When can I say enough is enough?

[hmf099]

   I got clean 9/30/09 and I thank GOD for that so much! My family situation is very painful though, please bear with me as I try to explain.
   While drinking/using xanax I called my extended family often (aunts, uncles, cousins), all messed up and I guess I said some pretty terrible things. I do not remember any of this. I know I called because of my call log, but of the things said, I only know what they told my mother. They have no reason to lie, so I believe most of it. I guess i blabbed some family secrets, did alot of name calling, and threatened to beat a few people up. I heard I also made some messed up accusations, I'm still a bit confused about those.
  Well in my 4 months of sobriety my parents, husband, kids, 1 cousin, and grandparents have all forgiven me for the stupid things I did during my 18 months messed up, but the rest of them have not. I can understand and respect this. However, I have been beating myself up and trying to come to terms with what I did for 4 months, and I think it's time for the punishment to end. I have made every apology I can. I have been excluded from every family function, ignored, and overlooked to the point where I spend time in tears knowing the rest of my family is together having a good time. They even invite my 4 year old to events but invite her to come with my parents. It is extremely painful.
  So I guess my question is, how long until I can say "I've been punished enough and I'm moving on"? I mean, how long do I have to sit around and take this? Where is the line where it moves from fear and distrust to just plain cruelty? I just want to be able to say ok, they don't want to get past it, fine. But I don't have to send my daughter to be with them or send my well wishes as they are no longer a part of my life. Please don't get me wrong, I would much rather them be a part of my life and spend time with them, but how long do I have to wait for forgiveness before I can just decide time is up, and I don't communicate with them ever again? I understand their point of view, really I do, but I can't keep repeating this agony.

[hmf099]

Thanks for your responses, they really helped a lot. I have a sponser but haven't been keeping in contact as much as I should and I know better. Thank you again, it feels like I can breathe again.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Do your own thing ,still invite whom ever you would like to attend, cherish those who show but don't give your power to those who don't . I also think that it takes longer for some people to heal. Do you have a sponsor?
Becca

[Brokenbutglued]

Eeek. I don't know what to suggest but I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :( It's hard feeling rejected. I sense that you are more upset that you feel like your daughter is somehow being punished too. Most parents, I think anyway, have a strong connection with their children...like you and your child are one in some ways. It's totally normal. It would be no different than saying you could come to a family function but your husband could not. You're a team!

I think it's up to you to decide when it's enough. When you know you've given it all that you can then maybe taking a step back is the only other option. If I were in your shoes I'd stop sending my daughter over there. Not to punish them but for the simple fact that the people under your roof are your family first and foremost, everyone else is next. The way I'd see it is either everyone under one roof is welcome or not. You can't force them to forgive you or invite you. So, I'd stop asking and take control over my own life/family and start some of your own traditions and such until they come around. During that time you can show how mature you are by accepting their right to have their opinion and respecting their need for space and time. Four months isn't very long in my opinion, maybe their wounds haven't healed yet.

Sometimes family suck. LOL when mine suck it makes me stronger and more independent. I like the friends I pick better sometimes anyway lol. I've already found a "dad" and maybe even a "mom" and a "brother"...yes I'm serious! LOL. Ya know though, I come from a broken home so my views on family might be a little harsh. :)

[hmf099]

Yes my family knows about I'm an addict. I tried the family function thing, a birthday party for my daughter. They didn't come (no shocker there). I've written letters and emails with apologies. I don't push, I wanted to give them space. They got phone invites from my mother and 1 letter or email from me. Now I'm just ready to say the relationships are over, but I feel guilty for doing so.

[pharma9]

Is it possible for you to host your own family function and invite all the members to  get together as a celebration of your sobriety and take that opportunity to tell them that you have reformed and apologize again for the past wrongs and state that you are proud to be clean.

[LADNORTHERN172]

hi... things cant be a bed of roses for you right now.i can inly speak from personal experience when i say that families hold grudges for a long long time. you have no idea exactly what went on or what got said or why certain members of your family refuse to acknowledge your sincere appologies. that must be tough. the drugs made you act that way,a way you would never act sober. do they understand drugs were the instigators in this mess? if not then you should tell them..put your pride in your pocket and fess the drugs.maybe then forgiveness may be forthcoming over time..some people just dont forgive in hurry thats all, in time if you show them you are sober they will come around..remember actions speak louder than words.

[hmf099]

I would just like to add that I was extremely blessed and got sober before i became physically violent, stole, or did anything to directly affect anyones life.