Aa
Worst timing for this
HI,
I just got my addiction under control.I am a chronic pain patient and had to switch meds away from DOC to something eles.Its been over a month now and i dont seek, crave or obsess. My prescriptions are right were there should be today in the count.
Yesterday, my wife and I were finaly alone (I have two teenagers its been months since the house was empty). I asked he if she wanted to 'cuddle' She promptly said NO! Ok, so i just let it go, rejected but let it go.
I asked her later if I had done something to upset her. She went on that she wasnt happy anymore. I have been happliey marrried 15 years. The addiction never got so bad it was an issue in the relationship. She started bringing up things from the past years, like from ten years ago how she was treated by me and my friends, the butt of jokes, it honestly was in good fun. I got disabled and we relocated to Maine so she could be back on the East Coast where she grew up. I sold the house, business, toys everything. The move was for her after everything she had been through with my major illness. She says the last house we had and this one and the move to Maine were all my dreams, not hers. She says everything is always about me.
I think I am a good husband. I have never yelled at her, everything is a comprimse, Im a good Daddy, I dont cheat Im not a drunk. I pay the bills and she is a stay at home Mom becuase I have changed things around so we could do it for her. Shes says she cant live with my jealocy. There were some instances where guys hit on her and put them in thier place. Im protective, but not butt head maniac.
I have been divorced before. I have seen this behavior, shes bringing up just anything to make it all look bad. I wrote her a long letter and i apologised for what ever I had done in the past to hurt her. I asked her to look forward to the future and told her what ever she wants,things will be different. Im still very much in love with my wife and family. She says there is no one eles and i believe her, if thats what she says.
This morning she was leaving to go voloenteter at the kids school and said Bye, and I told her "I love you" and she just kept walking out the door, Im optomistic though. Im very sad it all came to this point. If she wasnt ahppy, why didnt she just talk to me,Im a very easy going guy. I dont have a temper and Im not a vengval person.
I just started depression meds as i am struggling with my disabilty and being limited, this has thrown me right down the tubes. I was crying thismorning just thinking about the posibiities and not being able to raise my sons everyday.
Im just gunna give her the space she may need. I dont know how I can make her fall back in love with me. She is not a romantic person. Flowers and such mean nothing to her. Im thinking her mind is already made up. Its just so sad. How bout a hug someone, I could really use one today.
I just got my addiction under control.I am a chronic pain patient and had to switch meds away from DOC to something eles.Its been over a month now and i dont seek, crave or obsess. My prescriptions are right were there should be today in the count.
Yesterday, my wife and I were finaly alone (I have two teenagers its been months since the house was empty). I asked he if she wanted to 'cuddle' She promptly said NO! Ok, so i just let it go, rejected but let it go.
I asked her later if I had done something to upset her. She went on that she wasnt happy anymore. I have been happliey marrried 15 years. The addiction never got so bad it was an issue in the relationship. She started bringing up things from the past years, like from ten years ago how she was treated by me and my friends, the butt of jokes, it honestly was in good fun. I got disabled and we relocated to Maine so she could be back on the East Coast where she grew up. I sold the house, business, toys everything. The move was for her after everything she had been through with my major illness. She says the last house we had and this one and the move to Maine were all my dreams, not hers. She says everything is always about me.
I think I am a good husband. I have never yelled at her, everything is a comprimse, Im a good Daddy, I dont cheat Im not a drunk. I pay the bills and she is a stay at home Mom becuase I have changed things around so we could do it for her. Shes says she cant live with my jealocy. There were some instances where guys hit on her and put them in thier place. Im protective, but not butt head maniac.
I have been divorced before. I have seen this behavior, shes bringing up just anything to make it all look bad. I wrote her a long letter and i apologised for what ever I had done in the past to hurt her. I asked her to look forward to the future and told her what ever she wants,things will be different. Im still very much in love with my wife and family. She says there is no one eles and i believe her, if thats what she says.
This morning she was leaving to go voloenteter at the kids school and said Bye, and I told her "I love you" and she just kept walking out the door, Im optomistic though. Im very sad it all came to this point. If she wasnt ahppy, why didnt she just talk to me,Im a very easy going guy. I dont have a temper and Im not a vengval person.
I just started depression meds as i am struggling with my disabilty and being limited, this has thrown me right down the tubes. I was crying thismorning just thinking about the posibiities and not being able to raise my sons everyday.
Im just gunna give her the space she may need. I dont know how I can make her fall back in love with me. She is not a romantic person. Flowers and such mean nothing to her. Im thinking her mind is already made up. Its just so sad. How bout a hug someone, I could really use one today.
Dezdon, please let us know how that works....we've had a nice day together today and things went real well...long way to go...
Jim
Jim
so sorry bro I am dealing with the same bs right now but I try to just write it off and put all my attention into my children which custody is being astablished by a judge next week. I am sad to see this happen so often so many children from broken homes but life is what it is and thats that. I just payed an attorney 4gs to fight this out thank god my house is not comunitty property. There is always another door opening when one is closed so hang in there with me bro we can do this bs....... U no?
my marriage is strained right now too, finacial insecurities is the root cause of our problems, you have the courage to talk about it, i havent gotten there!
your in my thoughts, prayers and good karma, hehe, not sure which one to write, thought this would cover it
your in my thoughts, prayers and good karma, hehe, not sure which one to write, thought this would cover it
I was in complete misery all day yesterday.I couldnt stand it.I had to know her intentions, how bad this really was.
I got her alone and asked her if she was thinking about divorce or leaving me. She said " Not at this timeeeeeeee, but if things dont change........I have talked to you about this many times and nothing ever changes with you"
I reassured her I would give her my best effort. I AM listening this time. I just didnt realise in the past what she ment and how seriose she was about it. She says I have no problems talking to my friends but when she talkes to me I just glaze over. And I'll talk to my friends but leave her out of the conversation, or change the conversation topic if she's talking. I never even realised I was doing this to her.
I told her not to worry,Im listening now. I will be what your looking for. I dont want to EVER loose you.
She and my sons are going to out of town for the weekend at hotel that has an indoor heated swimming pool this weekend. We live up north and its still a bit chilly. They have been planning this trip for awhile. I have to stay back and take care of the animals. I asked her if she wanted me to go with them and get someone to care for the animals for me. She said "No, the room only has enough beds for her and kids and thier friends, she wants time with the boys" It wasnt cutting me out or anything. Its something she has been planning with the boys for months.
I bought her a nice romantic card with words relative to what were going through. And a latest released book. She's an advid reader. I wrapped the book up like a present. Im gunna give it to her when they leave.
I know this doesnt sound like a tragic ending or event for a marrige. I know people go through a lot worse. But this is the worse, or biggest threat to our marrige we have had in 15 years. There wasnt a big fight or screaming or anything. I was just told what was up and replied in the same tone. When she told me she just wasnt sure if she loved me anymore and sex as definitly out of the question for awhile, it hit me hard. Not just the sex thing, thats ok for now, but the idea that she doesnt love me anymore really hit home and it hurt, bad. And you know you cant MAKE people love you. You have to draw that atraction to yourself, you have to earn it. And if you get all mad and huffy puffy about it, it drives them away even further. It ***** keeping the pain to yourself. Thats whats great about this board. I can express pretty openly, anonomysly. I cant even talk to my best freind about it as he hangs around my house alot. He would probebly stop coming over and wouldnt act normal around us if he knew we were having probelms. Then my wife would be pissed I was talking to my friends about our martial problems.I really do want to talk to him about. He has a awsome marrige, I know he would have great advice.
Wow, sorry for the rambleing on here., got a little long winded!
Everybody take care and hang in there too. Try to talk openly with your spouse if your having troubles. And keep the tone at a controlled level. I think If I had just started screamin and crying out loud, she would have clammed up and would make her think even worse of me. It would have turned her off even more.
Good luck to everyone and Thanks So Much For The Support! It really helped.
-d
I got her alone and asked her if she was thinking about divorce or leaving me. She said " Not at this timeeeeeeee, but if things dont change........I have talked to you about this many times and nothing ever changes with you"
I reassured her I would give her my best effort. I AM listening this time. I just didnt realise in the past what she ment and how seriose she was about it. She says I have no problems talking to my friends but when she talkes to me I just glaze over. And I'll talk to my friends but leave her out of the conversation, or change the conversation topic if she's talking. I never even realised I was doing this to her.
I told her not to worry,Im listening now. I will be what your looking for. I dont want to EVER loose you.
She and my sons are going to out of town for the weekend at hotel that has an indoor heated swimming pool this weekend. We live up north and its still a bit chilly. They have been planning this trip for awhile. I have to stay back and take care of the animals. I asked her if she wanted me to go with them and get someone to care for the animals for me. She said "No, the room only has enough beds for her and kids and thier friends, she wants time with the boys" It wasnt cutting me out or anything. Its something she has been planning with the boys for months.
I bought her a nice romantic card with words relative to what were going through. And a latest released book. She's an advid reader. I wrapped the book up like a present. Im gunna give it to her when they leave.
I know this doesnt sound like a tragic ending or event for a marrige. I know people go through a lot worse. But this is the worse, or biggest threat to our marrige we have had in 15 years. There wasnt a big fight or screaming or anything. I was just told what was up and replied in the same tone. When she told me she just wasnt sure if she loved me anymore and sex as definitly out of the question for awhile, it hit me hard. Not just the sex thing, thats ok for now, but the idea that she doesnt love me anymore really hit home and it hurt, bad. And you know you cant MAKE people love you. You have to draw that atraction to yourself, you have to earn it. And if you get all mad and huffy puffy about it, it drives them away even further. It ***** keeping the pain to yourself. Thats whats great about this board. I can express pretty openly, anonomysly. I cant even talk to my best freind about it as he hangs around my house alot. He would probebly stop coming over and wouldnt act normal around us if he knew we were having probelms. Then my wife would be pissed I was talking to my friends about our martial problems.I really do want to talk to him about. He has a awsome marrige, I know he would have great advice.
Wow, sorry for the rambleing on here., got a little long winded!
Everybody take care and hang in there too. Try to talk openly with your spouse if your having troubles. And keep the tone at a controlled level. I think If I had just started screamin and crying out loud, she would have clammed up and would make her think even worse of me. It would have turned her off even more.
Good luck to everyone and Thanks So Much For The Support! It really helped.
-d
Thank you, Karen....I talked about it in my counseling session today..I have to run now and take my wife to a dr appt.
Jim
Jim
I am so sorry you are going through this, and Jim maybe it is just because your family has had so much hurt lately. I am so sorry about the death of your son, no one know how hard that is until they live through losing a child. And dezdon I hope and pray you can work this out with your wife. Maybe try flowers,a romantic dinner. huh? can't hurt, and she might see what a wonderful person you are. Boy I wish my husband was like you two.
take care, and am sending hugs to both of you, praying everything works out for the best,
Karen
take care, and am sending hugs to both of you, praying everything works out for the best,
Karen
Thanks, Trouble...it could be temporary thing...I hope it is..I am somewhat forgetful and distant..my counselor says that's typical with depression and the loss of a child..but it seems that more and more lately I can't do anything that pleases her..don't do the dishes right, whatever I cook there's something wrong with it and the criticism of just about everything has me feeling like I'm being sledgehammered into the ground...i comment on her criticism and it comes on heavier...just gets to be a little too much. I love her she says she loves me, apologizes and offers some reason or excuse and we hug and go on..and then it starts again...i hear about something that happened 10 years ago, I hear of something she *thinks* happened 10 years ago which I swear did not but she's convinced...her ex husband was a liar and manipulative thus making me the same.
I could go on
Jim
I could go on
Jim
Hey man so sorry you are in this, I know when i was using and in deep depression, I got my thur h***, and then some I brought up everything that ever upset me I accused her of everything you can think of and ALL of it was unfounded I have the best wife this world can have, she is everything you can ask for. We have had really the perfect marriage until I got scerwed up in the mind. I hope this will pass for you and I said what I did b/cuz this might be whats going on with your wife. Best of luck to you!!!
Jim Im so sorry to hear you are also having problems right now too. What is going on around here lately? Seems like everyone is in a very rough spot in their marriage/relationships lately. I will pray things work out for you. You are a very nice, hard working, compassionate, giving person and deserve happiness and i hope you find it again soon.
Dez- It sounds like you have learned alot from your past mistakes of the years past and you have really put forth all your effort in this second marriage and sacrificed alot. I hope you get the rewards you deserve. Im still waiting on mine I think, lol. I think thats partly why Im still so bitter right now. Its been about 8 months since I left (was with him for about 17+ years!) and not only have I still not caught a good break, Im still being abused from a distance and this man is still not taking care of his kids. So i feel really shafted and its hard to keep my depression and resentment in check sometimes.
Hang in there, I hope things look up for you soon!
Dez- It sounds like you have learned alot from your past mistakes of the years past and you have really put forth all your effort in this second marriage and sacrificed alot. I hope you get the rewards you deserve. Im still waiting on mine I think, lol. I think thats partly why Im still so bitter right now. Its been about 8 months since I left (was with him for about 17+ years!) and not only have I still not caught a good break, Im still being abused from a distance and this man is still not taking care of his kids. So i feel really shafted and its hard to keep my depression and resentment in check sometimes.
Hang in there, I hope things look up for you soon!
Thanks Trouble and Jim for the hugs and wishes.i really need them right now. Im on the patch system now for pain management and was tempted to change my patch early for the rush. i decided not,I dont want to come up short at the end of the month.i finaly made it through a whole month last month with no w/ds or tapering.Its not worth abusing over.
Your right Jim, it so hurts to get pushed away from one you love and care about. Sometimes we need that human touch and affection. I know I need it right now more then ever.
Trouble,I was a verbaly abusive husband in my first marrige.But I was realyoung and didnt know how to treat a lady yet.
I have so treated my wife right in this marrige.made sure she always had everything she needed. Sacrificed so she could be a stay at homemommy that she always wanted to be. i even left calif when my first son was 16 so she could move to the east coast. She is a treasure, I dont want to loose her, she's my best friend. How could this be learking under the surface for so long and her not saying anything till it reached the point of almost obliviation. I talked to her about everything i go through. My pill problems, depression cause of my disability and I showed her i was strong enough to make the life changes and get the DOC out of my life. I didnt wait for her to say hey, I think you have a problem....... I saw it and dealt with it. I wasnt about to let it wreck everything I have worked so hard for and hurt her or the boys. I have more love to give her then she could possibly handle. And im not a selfish lover, Her needs ALWAYS first. I WISH I had me as a lover..WOW! and a friend.
I just dont like living in this grey area of our marrige. if she's planning a move.. friggin tell me, if she can work through this or is willing to, friggin tell me! I think I have been decent enough of a husband that I at least deserve that. I dont deserve to be hurt.Ima good guy!
Your right Jim, it so hurts to get pushed away from one you love and care about. Sometimes we need that human touch and affection. I know I need it right now more then ever.
Trouble,I was a verbaly abusive husband in my first marrige.But I was realyoung and didnt know how to treat a lady yet.
I have so treated my wife right in this marrige.made sure she always had everything she needed. Sacrificed so she could be a stay at homemommy that she always wanted to be. i even left calif when my first son was 16 so she could move to the east coast. She is a treasure, I dont want to loose her, she's my best friend. How could this be learking under the surface for so long and her not saying anything till it reached the point of almost obliviation. I talked to her about everything i go through. My pill problems, depression cause of my disability and I showed her i was strong enough to make the life changes and get the DOC out of my life. I didnt wait for her to say hey, I think you have a problem....... I saw it and dealt with it. I wasnt about to let it wreck everything I have worked so hard for and hurt her or the boys. I have more love to give her then she could possibly handle. And im not a selfish lover, Her needs ALWAYS first. I WISH I had me as a lover..WOW! and a friend.
I just dont like living in this grey area of our marrige. if she's planning a move.. friggin tell me, if she can work through this or is willing to, friggin tell me! I think I have been decent enough of a husband that I at least deserve that. I dont deserve to be hurt.Ima good guy!
Best of luck Desdon I feel for you and your wife...it seems my marriage could be heading in the same direction. not the same circumstances..much of it my procrastination some of it my depression, so of it that I am manipulative to her (I still don't get that one) and dont' take care of her when she's ill or depressed. she went through a 3 year period of depression several years ago and I did all I could to help...took her to doctors offered to take her to counselors (they don't help took care of the house and spent time with her "leave me a lone" was the usual response..
We seem to be heading back to that now...could be all the stress we're dealing with between my son's death her kids finances, or who knows what. I've always taken care of her kid's financial needs (as they need them) and showed them my love and showed her my love...not fun getting "pushed away" when you try to hug or kiss the one you love.
I'm hoping it will pass I'll keep working at it and we'll see what happens...unfortunately my dreams of living in Georgia seem to have been dashed which has me a bit depressed.
we will see...god bless you
Jim
We seem to be heading back to that now...could be all the stress we're dealing with between my son's death her kids finances, or who knows what. I've always taken care of her kid's financial needs (as they need them) and showed them my love and showed her my love...not fun getting "pushed away" when you try to hug or kiss the one you love.
I'm hoping it will pass I'll keep working at it and we'll see what happens...unfortunately my dreams of living in Georgia seem to have been dashed which has me a bit depressed.
we will see...god bless you
Jim
Hugs to you
Im sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to go through stuff like this (who hasnt at some point, right/) my situation was very different (i left an abusive man ) but anyhwo, I hope you find happiness. For today though Im sending you lots of hugs and a big ear if you need to talk
Im sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to go through stuff like this (who hasnt at some point, right/) my situation was very different (i left an abusive man ) but anyhwo, I hope you find happiness. For today though Im sending you lots of hugs and a big ear if you need to talk
Thanks AlessandrasMom for the hug. Gees, I thought I had it bad.Mine is just the point of not know where this going. Or what i did to deserve it. Im a good family man, what the heck is going on. I guess i just have to give her space till she finds whats shes looking for. If she wants change or has found someone eles. Nothing I can do about it. Ive been through it all before.it sure hurts, but you cant change a persons mind. I just have to look out for myselfand my boys. Its just so needless and sad.
BIG hugs to you - seems this is happening with a few of us on here - all of a sudden spouses don't love us anymore. If you want to check out Rebelshubby's post on this same side, further down, that might explain more. Just wanted to give you some support, a hug, let you know you are not alone.
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