Aa
@ 70 days
Im still here, but haven't been posting, just lurking around reading others' stories. I have had a really bad 4 or 5 days, and didn't want to share, in fact, I didn't want to do anything.I hit a brick wall of the bleakest, blackest depression I have felt in a very long time. I could not think of one thing that I wanted to do, or that would lift my dark mood. My sleep has returned to 3 or 4 hours a night, for no apparent reason. I have become a ghost wandering around my house in the middle of the night. I don't know if this is due to Suboxone, still, or if I am just fu%ked. I do want to state that I did not relapse, had no desire to use, and am working my aftercare to the best of my ability.You all have helped me through this so much, I just wanted to explain why Ive been absent.I wouldn't just disappear from MH without an explanation to all of you. Just bear with me through this, I don't know how long it will last and everything is a chore, I have migraines everyday from lack of sleep, and spend most of the day trying to catch some sleep, even if its 15 minutes. I am deathly afraid of going to a Dr about this, as I don't want to be on any kind of psych meds, Id rather take a more holistic approach, any advice on that front would be appreciated. My husband is concerned and has no idea how to help me at this point. I am not suicidal, just to clarify, just feel dead inside. I hope to be back to my positive normal self soon, and this is some kind of weird w/d symptom. Thanks for listening, X. C
I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside ~ The Smiths
I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside ~ The Smiths
Thank you Refills! I have noticed a lot of changes in my eating habits as well. I can no longer tolerate sugar like I used to, and I crave salty food. Its like I can taste all the sugars I couldn't taste before. I crave Italian food and could eat it every day, but need to slow down or Im going to gain some major weight! I realize my therapy is going to take a long time, and she has also suggested some other holistic options for me, like bio-identical hormones, and a better way of eating. I am happy with my current therapist, and I know she is helping. It just takes time, whats that saying? All good things come to those who wait? I am trying to have more patience, but can say I feel better than 14 days,30 days, & 45 days, I am just having a setback. It HAS to get better! XO C.
I would love to try acupuncture, and I do yoga, just haven't practiced since my w/d started in October, but plan on picking it up again. I will look into it,(acupuncture) it has always interested me greatly. XO C.
Thanks A, I will probably be texting you later, I feel a little better this morning, at least I have the desire to shower and get out from under the covers. I hope you are hanging in there, and we will talk soon. Love Carrie
Thanks Annie, its comforting to know it isn't just me, and that there is a reason at this point. I get my TSH checked this week, my levels go constantly up and down anyway, because my body attacks my thyroid gland as if its a foreign object (Hashimotos disease) I do feel like it is off. Youre right, the dead feeling is very hard to deal with, not knowing what to do with myself, not knowing of one thing that would make me feel better. As you know, I always reached for a pill, or whatever was available to change my mood, and I think that is the biggest hurdle to get over now. There is no more reaching! Ive spent a lot of time the last several days with the blankets over my head, and I know that has to change. On a more positive note, I slept an
hour longer than last night, and when I started sleeping well at 2 months, that is what happened, every night I slept another hour until I reached 7. The weather has been terribly bleak and cold, and we may have ice rain in a cpl days so that effects my mood tremendously also. My daughter goes back to school today (freakin' finally!) so I can catch a break for the day. I adore her, but there is a thing as too much togetherness with a 5 year old chatterbox.
I wanted to add something off topic, my nephews wife, Ana, who is 26, they are newlyweds and she is the most angelic, lovely girl Ive met in a long time, had an aneurysm (sp?) yesterday, and is currently in Houston awaiting surgery, so anyone that reads this please send positive thoughts her way, at 730AM she is having a 5 hour long surgery, where they have to go in her head to remove it. They haven't even been married a year yet, and my nephew is freaking out, rightly so. Its scary and we are all on edge right now.
Also Annie, Hotmail/Outlook has been down for 3 days, Microsoft is offering no solutions that actually work, and its impossible to talk to a live person. I will email you when it is back up, if ever. I may change my email to something else, if so, I will let you know.
Love Carrie
hour longer than last night, and when I started sleeping well at 2 months, that is what happened, every night I slept another hour until I reached 7. The weather has been terribly bleak and cold, and we may have ice rain in a cpl days so that effects my mood tremendously also. My daughter goes back to school today (freakin' finally!) so I can catch a break for the day. I adore her, but there is a thing as too much togetherness with a 5 year old chatterbox.
I wanted to add something off topic, my nephews wife, Ana, who is 26, they are newlyweds and she is the most angelic, lovely girl Ive met in a long time, had an aneurysm (sp?) yesterday, and is currently in Houston awaiting surgery, so anyone that reads this please send positive thoughts her way, at 730AM she is having a 5 hour long surgery, where they have to go in her head to remove it. They haven't even been married a year yet, and my nephew is freaking out, rightly so. Its scary and we are all on edge right now.
Also Annie, Hotmail/Outlook has been down for 3 days, Microsoft is offering no solutions that actually work, and its impossible to talk to a live person. I will email you when it is back up, if ever. I may change my email to something else, if so, I will let you know.
Love Carrie
Ooh - great point Annie! I also have hypothyroid and the anxiety/depression is always worse when those levels are out of whack. In fact, now most doctors test thyroid levels when a patient complains of anxiety/depression as its more common than you think. I think you said you were going in for blood work soon. Maybe it is exacerbating the situation?
Hi Carrie :)
I'm so sorry to hear about you hitting this particular wall & so early on too! (Reaches out to give you a hug of support & fellow-feeling). Some of us go through periods or extended periods of anhedonia. I didn't start to happen for me until my seventh month but it's certainly been a challenge! (That dead feeling that you describe -- I always explained it as: 'No fire' or 'Low ebb').
The simple fact is that you need time to heal: in body, mind & spirit. It's a process. You & I have been self-medicating since our early/mid-teens & stopped in our 40's. So, it's understandable that the change doesn't happen overnight. Please, explain this to Paul so that he doesn't think it's simple depression. If what is going on with you is the same thing that went/is going on with me, it's very chemical in nature & is a direct result of skewed neurotrnsmitters/hormones. I'd also look into how the hypothyroidism may factor into it.
The problem is that we're so used to instant gratification & medicating symptoms not only as addicts but as a culture in general, that the expectation for & habits of 'quick fixes', be they drugs, food, social media, booze, OTC's, gambling, sex, (whatever) have weakened our ability to stay the course with the required patience & tenacity. It's hard for us to sit in our skins w/ difficulties like restlessness, anxiety, depression, lonliness & apathy. For me, apathy/flatness & the weird resultant restlessness were the most difficult. It has forced me to change my expectations & taught me a great deal about myself. These changes will come gradually to you & they will Definitely help. Besides, as stated above, the nature of detox/recovery is cyclical. This too shall pass & there's every chance that you'll be climbing out of your current funk quite soon. :)
I'm with the above posters on D3 but make sure that you balance it with the proper levels of K2, Calcium & Magnesium. I'd also suggest 'sleep hygiene' (complete darkness, no ambient noise or radiation w/ a room temp between 60 & 70 degrees). Try not to eat before bedtime. A relaxing bath, massage & a calming yt meditation also help).
Try not to stress too much about the no sleep thing. Struggling with it makes it worse & we become subconsciously 'hypervigilant'.
Thank you so much for posting this. It's good to see you, Dop & I'll be thinking of you today. You're a warrior so keep Fighting the Good Fight!
Ttys, my friend,
Annie
I'm so sorry to hear about you hitting this particular wall & so early on too! (Reaches out to give you a hug of support & fellow-feeling). Some of us go through periods or extended periods of anhedonia. I didn't start to happen for me until my seventh month but it's certainly been a challenge! (That dead feeling that you describe -- I always explained it as: 'No fire' or 'Low ebb').
The simple fact is that you need time to heal: in body, mind & spirit. It's a process. You & I have been self-medicating since our early/mid-teens & stopped in our 40's. So, it's understandable that the change doesn't happen overnight. Please, explain this to Paul so that he doesn't think it's simple depression. If what is going on with you is the same thing that went/is going on with me, it's very chemical in nature & is a direct result of skewed neurotrnsmitters/hormones. I'd also look into how the hypothyroidism may factor into it.
The problem is that we're so used to instant gratification & medicating symptoms not only as addicts but as a culture in general, that the expectation for & habits of 'quick fixes', be they drugs, food, social media, booze, OTC's, gambling, sex, (whatever) have weakened our ability to stay the course with the required patience & tenacity. It's hard for us to sit in our skins w/ difficulties like restlessness, anxiety, depression, lonliness & apathy. For me, apathy/flatness & the weird resultant restlessness were the most difficult. It has forced me to change my expectations & taught me a great deal about myself. These changes will come gradually to you & they will Definitely help. Besides, as stated above, the nature of detox/recovery is cyclical. This too shall pass & there's every chance that you'll be climbing out of your current funk quite soon. :)
I'm with the above posters on D3 but make sure that you balance it with the proper levels of K2, Calcium & Magnesium. I'd also suggest 'sleep hygiene' (complete darkness, no ambient noise or radiation w/ a room temp between 60 & 70 degrees). Try not to eat before bedtime. A relaxing bath, massage & a calming yt meditation also help).
Try not to stress too much about the no sleep thing. Struggling with it makes it worse & we become subconsciously 'hypervigilant'.
Thank you so much for posting this. It's good to see you, Dop & I'll be thinking of you today. You're a warrior so keep Fighting the Good Fight!
Ttys, my friend,
Annie
Hey Carrie. What you're going through sounds very familiar. I to suffer even after 120+ days. I've tried just about everything. While my anti-depressant helps a little I still get some anxiety attacks. Why these attacks have come on me I believe is that we have thrown away the toxins in our bodies and our own terrible self-meds. I know I'm replacing at a frenetic pace. I now eat sweets and I never ate that junk before. ?? Things are happening now that have never happened to me before. I have begun to take DBT Groups. Mindfulness/ Stress relief/Skills/Process and individual Therapy. All these groups are helping. They are helping me live with my anxiety and depression. But remember. I still take Nortripytline so I can deal with my problems a little better. I'm glad you're taking the holistic approach but remember, of all medications this type of therapy might take the longest time. Maybe a doctor is such a bad idea. I think we all need some help when it come to fighting our toughest challenge we have ever had to deal with. I wish you the very best Carrie. You've come a long way and you're doing great. Please keep posting. Congratulations!
Hey CarrieAnn - Do you know of a accupressurist or accupuncturist in your area? I really believe that it helps almost any condition! Most true Eastern healers will work with you on cost as well. And my favorite natural remedy - yoga!! The meditation aspect of yoga helps get my mind right when I'm down. I've had severe anxiety since I was in high school and it has helped me more than any drug ever has! Stay strong!
Hey Love,
This time I could tell by your last text you weren't feeling well. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Just look at everything you have already accomished!! That's HUGE!! It's just a small phase. Please try to keep your head up. I am here if you need me.
Xoxo
This time I could tell by your last text you weren't feeling well. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Just look at everything you have already accomished!! That's HUGE!! It's just a small phase. Please try to keep your head up. I am here if you need me.
Xoxo
Thank you all for the concern and support. I am going to try to shower and go to the vitamin store for the D3 and see what else they may have. I will also order the book Weaver suggested. I will keep you all updated on things. XOXO C.
"Nutrient Power," by Dr. Walsh is a good place to start with holistic nutrition approach to your concerns. "The Feeling Good Handbook," by Dr. Burns is a good workbook for CBT. The normal highs and lows of life happen to everyone, like mentioned above, active addicts simply don't feel them. The whole thing about "some weeks are better than others," is a reality for our whole lives. It takes getting used to, just don't feed the flames of depression.
THis last week is why I encouraged you to try some various aftercare, before this happened. It's hard to seek, find, and be motivated to do anything sometimes, much less ask for help, so we gotta hook up with support during the good times, if we are so lucky to have them early on. It's are to convince folks though, until they feel the first post detox, hard time. Hang in there, time will change how you feel, a therapist and medhelp alone are often not enough. Hope you find more support, before it gets any worse. Nothing is forever, good or bad. Hope you feel better soon.
THis last week is why I encouraged you to try some various aftercare, before this happened. It's hard to seek, find, and be motivated to do anything sometimes, much less ask for help, so we gotta hook up with support during the good times, if we are so lucky to have them early on. It's are to convince folks though, until they feel the first post detox, hard time. Hang in there, time will change how you feel, a therapist and medhelp alone are often not enough. Hope you find more support, before it gets any worse. Nothing is forever, good or bad. Hope you feel better soon.
I totally agree with the D3 suggestion. It has really helped me. Supplements are a must!
carrie my therapist suggested to me to take some vitamin D3 i have been taking it for about 3 weeks and boy what a difference holy crap when our vitamin d level is low we can get depressed this one tiny pill has lifted my mood like holy moly i take 5000 iu of it go get some today and let me know i also take a super B vit too i am usually so depressed and sad at this time of year cuz the weather here is so crappy and i am handleing the impending winter so well can't remember feeling this good at this time of the year!!! best of luck to you girl!!
It's good to hear from you. As that song says... "If you're going through hell, just keep going before the devil knows you're there." Well we've been going through hell on these meds only we were too numb to feel it. Now we are waking up and here we are but at least we have the ability to get out! Sounds like you've hit a rough part of climbing out but know that it is positive thing. It means another stage...another challenege...but you've made it this far and you can make it another day too. Think of what an awe inspiring thing you are doing!!!! Fight the depression. Do anything that makes you even crack the tiniest smile. It might even seem dumb. For instance watching Judge Joe Brown (which I dont even usually watch) video clips on YouTube got me through most of a day the other day. You just have to laugh at some of the idiots on there. You might find something else. Find a music channel on Pandora or something that plays just happy or light music. Use headphones if you're wandering around at night. Dance a little! I also downloaded an audiobook written and read by a favorite comedian of mine. Watch old funny movies that you enjoyed as a kid. Nothing heavy or sad. And keep posting! You amaze me. Keep fighting.
Hey Carrie! Im so sorry to hear that life is so hard right now! I wish I had magic words but I dont since Im so new to this too!!! I do understand depression though and it S***S to be in that place! So glad that you posted and are keeping in touch! Ill keep you in my prayers!!! Im sure that others will be on soon to bring some insight to your situation and Im sure that there are many others that have felt depression during the first few months! Hang in there!!
instead of thinking how bad you feel start doing things to find out what makes you happy or enjoyable things I wish I could say i was clean for sometime but for me its been a couple days. Just no even though you feel this way there's people like me that look up to you for being clean and sober I can't wait til I can reach that point! But you gotta change your way of thinking be happy , continue after care and talk talk talk about it!!! Its gonna be okay I promise
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