worried i may OD on cocaine one day...

[sicknsadmamabear]

So in a nutshell ive had a rough past. i come from a good loving family but as soon as i became a teenager i became very socially awkward. I am always loud and boisterous to friends and family but i stay indoors most of the time and reply to calls and texts when im ready to have a conversation. im 25, a first time mom (not planned but definitely was welcome) ive been married at 21 and divorced at 23. Im from a small town and am very naive when it Comes to this stuff. Ive been raped and have not fully dealt with those feelings specifically. I all around make quick and poor choices but always take the taste of my own medicine. Unfortunately, for the past 6 years ive taken a liking to marijuana and quit taking medication on a strict medicinal way 3/4x a day. I smoke half a pack of smokes as well per day
my current significant other/ babys father is not anywhere remotely close to being "a contributing member to society" to say it politically correct ("ex con") so i cant fully 100% rely on him to be "available" or there if something god forbid happend. I dont have a will either. IM also very hush hush about my "issues".  Of this past year ive had To deal witH multiple life changing events and problems i only dealt with on My own. i moved back to the big city to start my family here amd ive dipped my Nose per se in cocaine a little too deep for my.comfort zone. For example, one night a week i will binge abuse cocaine.Friday night after i put my daughter to bed im doing  6g myself of the stuff....... i cant stop the amazing Euphoric high I get. Ive been to shrinks before my daughter and got antideppressants and talk more about my feelings.high or to a close friend maybe better So i quit. Recently this past week i took myself to a clinic to ask for  how to deal with my anxiety but because i have to bring mydaughter with me im too scared to fully disclose my life.how do you go about getting help while keeping my daughter. I dont do it in front of her, absolutely not! Just on weekends and at.night but i obvioisly cant sleep. So im up for a good 48 hrs. ..its sunday night currently and ive only snuck in a 4 hour nap last nigHt.... im a "good" mom as well. 100% there. Anyone would say sO. I promise you.

[addlover]

I've got nothing but love for you. I was friends with a gal who left her coke out on the coffee table and her dog got into it and died. This was "just a dog"  but she loved that dog with every fiber of her being. It could have been her kid. Every time she thinks of her dog she goes into a deep dark depression. And is useless to her kid. I feel for you so much. The pain is palpable.

[NeverAgain127]

Ok, no one is here to beat you up, honey.    

You KNOW deep in your heart that this is no way to live.   You want to be fully present for your child's life AND your own.   What happened to you violated you in the worst way possible...and you've been stuffing down those feelings with drugs.    

This won't be easy, but think of it this way....If your daughter were the one smoking pot and using six grams a coke in one night, and she came to you for advice, what would you tell her?  What if she had a little one at home of her own?  

You can do this honey...but it needs to start with you taking the first step towards reclaiming your life.  And it can be a beautiful life...I hope to hear back from you.   Please?

[addlover]

What if you dropped some coke on the floor by accident,  or left it out. Your child could get sick or worse. Then what

[keith600]

Not to be harsh but you say you dont do it in front of your child "absolutely not", so what ? So the child doesn't see you actually taking drugs but for the next 48 hours your with your child and high. I"m sure that in most ways your a great mom but as soon as you do your drug that pretty much cancels everything else out. Theres plenty of help out here starting with med help, n.a. aa, etc. I think you would be wise to listen to Neveragain.  

[NeverAgain127]

Six grams of coke is a dangerous amount to do.  Think of your child!

You need help.  The rape that happened to you is probably, I'm guessing, at the bottom of your emotional pain.   Tell your doctor everything...the whole truth..and get yourself into treatment immediately.   Can you leave your daughter with any responsible family while you go thru rehab?

If not, then I'm sorry honey, but you may have to face facts and let her be in a short-term foster care situation until you straighten yourself out.

Please, PLEASE, for the sake of ALL mothers here, do not keep doing what you are doing.  Fight for your life, your child NEEDS a health, clean mother.

Make an appointment with your doctor, leave your child with a responsible party, and confess everything. EVERYTHING.  Then tell the doc you are committed to getting clean and being the mother you want to be.  

I'm 53, I wouldn't steer you wrong.  You need detox, long term counseling, and after-care.     Stop being a drug addict mom.   Pot and coke are no way to raise a child.  Look at Whitney Houston...she loved those drugs (the "white and the green") to the point where they killed her and now her only child is in a coma, probably from an OD.

Listen to older folks who are sober. Talk to a doctor and stop using coke.  Spend time with your daughter until you get can into a treatment facility.  

You brought this innocent life into the world; you need to step up and take responsibility for her life.  Good luck honey.

Do the right thing.   Just do it.

Hugs,
-Robin