Aa
A What the Hell moment!
400+ days of sobriety. We are in the process of moving and I am really really stressed out. Also today is day 5/6 off the Seroquel. Im finally kinda sleeping again. Im posting because today on top of the fridge I found an old stash of pills~time was suddenly in slow motion and I took 2 and put them in my mouth~grabbed my soda~took a swig and spit them in the trash. OMG! WTF am I thinking? Why did I do this? The only rationale I can muster up is that I am really stressed out with this move. My house is a disaster and I cant find anything. My OCD is a lil mad. I feel out of control. Unsettled. Unorganized and I am also being a real B*tch to everyone. Have I been thinking about my addiction? Lately...No. Life is busy-all good things. But it sure reminded me today that it is still there, ready to pounce and take advantage. I need to pay more attention to it-my addiction. I cant get to a meeting until 5pm. I know that is what I need and where I need to be at least for the next few weeks? My sponser is going to tell me " 90 meetings in 90 days kiddo and then when you are done do another 90 days". Ive done that 2 times already. I want to have a baby this year and we are moving and changing our life to do just that and get ready. Those pills really mind f*cked me today! I cant be on the Seroquel if I want to have a baby. But I noticed it "evened" me out. Took that "rawr" out of me. I thought maybe I should take it until we move. But then again am I looking to self medicate? My hormones are still a lil whacky from the miscarriage and today is cycle day 30 with no flow in site. ( Im not pregnant.) Bottom line. Stress is a huge trigger for me. We will get moved. Ok I can calm down now. Just needed to vent. Oh ya for a fleeting moment I thought those pills would give me energy to pack. Ya right!
Kitty kitty kitty. I'm so proud of you for spitting out the pills. I read your thread and can so relate. I hate change too. so I feel you. I too know how the wanting a baby thing feels. I had three miscarraiges. left me only wanting a baby more. right now concintrate on your blessings. New house. no more rent. think of all the fun things about your New house. keep it light and fun.
Stoo overthinking it. let go and embark as this a New beginning. a soriberty gift. moving and taking on a New adventure. New and improved things are showing in your life.......relax....breathe.....and be courageuos.
Stoo overthinking it. let go and embark as this a New beginning. a soriberty gift. moving and taking on a New adventure. New and improved things are showing in your life.......relax....breathe.....and be courageuos.
I think you handled it very well. Give yourself some credit. Many of us would have swallowed them. I just can't be around pills or I will take them. It's all I think about if I am.
You did good sweety. Be proud.
You did good sweety. Be proud.
I am feeling a lot better. Met my sponsor, went to a meeting. Its my actions that are a little concerning so I am commited to meetings for the next 30days. Need to stay on guard. Watching the Oscars & I am gonna watch that movie "Flight" later with Denzel Washington. So I am cuddled up-Tomm starts a crazy week
Wow... congratulations on doing the right thing, spitting those Satanic Master's pills into the trash. I have done that more than a few times in the past weeks (I am weaning off Vike.)
I caught myself popping a pill, then took it out of my mouth, calling myself a wimp, moron, and coward for taking the pills. Then a few seconds later I considered myself a bad a$$ for spitting out the pills. It takes a lot of strength to not gulp when the pills are on board (aka sitting on the tongue).
Don't be hard on yourself. You caught yourself, that's heroic.
Moreover, it is not a big deal that you wanted to remedy your stress. That's part of the normal frictions and controversies we face almost daily in our lives. We all want to make the hassles vanish.
And when we come across an instant remedy that will make us feel good in the process, most of us would pop the pills (and moronically think "finding these pills must be a sign from God, as a reward for my being a good person. Thank you Lord.") Of course it is really Satan tempting you with his poisonous wares, him despondent that you have been clean for so long.
I caught myself popping a pill, then took it out of my mouth, calling myself a wimp, moron, and coward for taking the pills. Then a few seconds later I considered myself a bad a$$ for spitting out the pills. It takes a lot of strength to not gulp when the pills are on board (aka sitting on the tongue).
Don't be hard on yourself. You caught yourself, that's heroic.
Moreover, it is not a big deal that you wanted to remedy your stress. That's part of the normal frictions and controversies we face almost daily in our lives. We all want to make the hassles vanish.
And when we come across an instant remedy that will make us feel good in the process, most of us would pop the pills (and moronically think "finding these pills must be a sign from God, as a reward for my being a good person. Thank you Lord.") Of course it is really Satan tempting you with his poisonous wares, him despondent that you have been clean for so long.
A good reminder that no matter how long we are clean that it can sneak up on us when we let our guards down. I know how you feel....pain is a huge trigger for me along with stress. I've been in awful pain and had thoughts of using to get a reprieve, but I know better. Plus I would have to find a way to get some and that's not a possibility anymore. In your situation and with all that's happened, I probably would have had that knee jerk reaction too. Good on you for spitting them out and getting rid of them. Your kitty was showing you love, peace and serenity by taking place of the pills.
I had just finished moving two days before I quit my DOC. I was a mess. Crying and having thoughts of death, when it should have been the happiest time of my life. Buying a home I wanted, no more rent!
Well, I saw my Psych Dr, and he told me moving ranked on the stress scale of divorce and death of a loved one. Knowing my reaction was somewhat normal helped me. I had moved before with no problems, but this time. Wow.
Not knowing where my stuff was.. I feel you!
Almost 8 weeks later, and I still don't really. That has become my daily to do list with this lack on energy from quitting. Open a box and remove just one thing. If I do extra, I pat myself on the back.
Point is, you must take care of your mental health right now. Meetings, great idea. Even talk to a psych if you must. This is a major stress, but you can get through it. Congrats on all your clean time. You did GREAT coming in contact with the pills, and not downing them. You got this!
Well, I saw my Psych Dr, and he told me moving ranked on the stress scale of divorce and death of a loved one. Knowing my reaction was somewhat normal helped me. I had moved before with no problems, but this time. Wow.
Not knowing where my stuff was.. I feel you!
Almost 8 weeks later, and I still don't really. That has become my daily to do list with this lack on energy from quitting. Open a box and remove just one thing. If I do extra, I pat myself on the back.
Point is, you must take care of your mental health right now. Meetings, great idea. Even talk to a psych if you must. This is a major stress, but you can get through it. Congrats on all your clean time. You did GREAT coming in contact with the pills, and not downing them. You got this!
COMMUNITY LEADER
You have a good plan in place so look at the positive things now. You learned a very hard lesson today(i hate that word lesson to by the way) and you are moving forward. That is a good thing!
I walked back into the kitchen and what do I see? My baby kitty Elmo laying on top of the refridge. That made it all better. Thank You God for putting him up there. ~humbled~
Yes I am going to meet my sponsor at 3pm. I have talked this out with my hubby and my family here. I am OK now. Just surprised at my actions. I came so close to swallowing them I could taste the paste they left on my tongue. The real issue here is stress and being overwhelmed. And change. Change is the root of my evil/addiction. I do not handle change well even if it is positive. Ive called upon my higher power, my friends here, my sponsor and am headed to a meeting later this evening. I will try to rationalize all this later.
Can you call your sponsor or someone from your meetings? I've had people rush to my rescue and help me with whatever was stressing me out. Don't beat yourself up, that won't help, and you did spit them out. Breathing and taking walks and breaks are a great idea. You'll get through this, use those tools you have gathered.
Yes they are gone-handed off to the hubby to dispose. I am overwhelmed and God reminded me I need to take care of me. I am just really bothered by the fact that I did that! I actually felt withdrawal symptoms too-maybe not real ones but I felt shaky, sick to my stomach and broke out in a sweat. Its funny this addiction I tell ya! Back to basics. I need to keep my foundation strong and Ive let it crumble some with all these distractions. My addiction is my "baby" and it needs tending too. It will always need something from me. That will never go away as I was reminded earlier. My actions are what is bothering me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sit down and take some deep breaths......then take some more. You have gotten so overwhelmed and that is never a good thing for our brain. Sounds like you have forgotten to take care of you too. I think the meetings are a great idea. You let your guard down for a fleeting minute, cant do that my friend. Now did you get rid of the remaining pills?
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