****** up again

[gunn73]

yesterday i went to the city to see my family. on my way back met 1 of my old friends who is still using heroin, he asked me to join him ............. i refused and came back but that was enough to make me drive back to the city at night .... the urge was so strong i wanted to but couldnt stop myself and i did it. now i m ashamed of my self. i wanted to tell my wife abt it but i can t. she s has planned a trip and this is the first time i ll be taking her outside india, earlier i was never in a position. but if i tell her she s goin to cancel all plans and would want me to go to a rehab again. i don t want that to happen ... she s so excited about the trip. i wanted to share it and this is the best place .... so here it is.
i ve been thinking of posting since i got up but then the thought of betraying u all also crossed my mind. u all have been so supportive and i m sorry for my deed last night.

[gunn73]

even i thought it s been quiet some time i ve been off heron so what if i do it once. and once it came in my mind i couldn t stop myself and screwed it up. well lesson learnt.  

[zoea]

Glad u r ok gunn .

Sometimes when we r healing and feeling beter we feel we can handle the drug just once. Well thats how it seems for me. But it always turns to a binge.
Our minds play very funny games.

Glad u r doing well. Keep up the good work.
Zoe

[dominosarah]

Look at all the pain they are going thru(mentally) from relapsing.  Doesnt sound real appealing to me, how about you?  The high isnt there anymore, most feel tortured.  Focus on the good things about being clean, no more romancing those drugs.  It is a dead end road.

[Sarah11212]

That post was by no means intended to single you out Gunn.
Please don't feel that way!
I have seen quite a few ppl relapse and while I am in the thick of my cravings, the sound of someone relapsing sounds so appealing to my brain.  If that makes sense?
No apologies needed here.
Keep moving forward my friend!

[gunn73]

i m fine Sarah. just low on energy.
trips next month
i read ur post and i m sorry if a relapse makes u feel that way, i mean triggers ur urge.

[Sarah11212]

How are you doing this morning Gunn?
Been thinking about you,
When is your vacation?

[gunn73]

starting over and over again is not an option for me. i had never before tried quitting it untill now. i had thought of quitting but never had the strength to. same way i never thought relapse is normal. but it s ok now.

[littlebit667]

thanks, Gunn..so glad you posted.  I am glad you are continuing to come here!!  Each day is a new day!

[minn66]

Hi gunn, glad you checked back in. I think the vacation will do you good. Enjoy being with your family, doing fun things and creating memories. You feel remorse and don't want to do that anymore, which is a great sign. Learn from it, like how certain situations can be triggers and be aware of them. Don't let the guilt eat at you. I know it is much easier to say than do. I have faith in you, though. Also, please look into some form of aftercare. There are many options, even online, and not just limited to NA or AA. We all are here for you. I am thinking of you and remembering you in my prayers.

Minn :)

[MikeInFrance]

I am really sorry to hear about that Gunnu... You just need to pick yourself up and stop it right now before it goes any further. as for your wife and the trip you're planning....only you can answer that question of whether or not you want to keep this from her or when you want to tell her. I don't have any experience to speak on but it would seem to me that lying to her/not telling her has the real potential to create more guilt and shame and that cannot be good for either one of you. Definately stay around here and get the most out of it...it works in good times an bad. Stay strong man! :)

[dominosarah]

I am glad you are feeling better.  We are always here gunn so lean on us.  We understand and we care about you~~~sara

[lulu747]

Gunn,

Hi you.  You are human and an addict and you relapsed.  It happens.  As the wise folks posted, you must protect your sobriety at all costs.  It means learning to live again, and it takes time and hard work and a lot of self love.  Don't let the shame pull you down deeper.  Move forward and make different choices.  Go and enjoy your vacation with your family, celebrate the moment-you deserve this and all the love and happiness in the world, my friend.  Believe that.

Lu

[gunn73]

thank u all for being so supportive. i m alright now, though i didn t tell my wife about it, i might tell her someday in future. but telling u all made me feel a little better. so i shared.
Thank u so much.
love always
gunnu

[staticage]

hope your doing ok,,thought bout u all day at work...hope to hear positive things fr u soon..take care.

[littlebit667]

we are here to help you!!!!!

[littlebit667]

It worries me that you have not posted or checked back in. Please let us and me know how you are doing.  You mean a lot to all of us and I am hoping you are just trying to get a handle on what happened and not hating yourself too much.  Please don't.  You are human...not super human and sometimes we fall, just pick yourself up and keep on going!  

[Kresaera]

If I had a dollar for everytime that drug sucked me back in I would be much richer... Things like this happen, don't beat yourself up too much and it's a great sign that you feel bad for using. That shows you want to quit!

Good luck in the future gunn, take care.

[Allscrewdup]

Dude just put it in the past like it never happened, just regroup and stay focused. Don't tell your wife she will make ot a huge ordeal and you are already stressing enough. Everybody makes mistakes that's what makes us human. Don't look back just keep moving forward.

[ricart70]

You didn't screw much of anything up.............yet.  Just be extra careful the next few days.Your mind will be working on you.Sometimes when we feel better finally it is then that we think everything will be ok and we screw up.You can get by this hurdle with minimal problems just stay on course with your original plan..still rooting for you.don't worry about us being mad..not a problem

[minn66]

Just letting you know I am thinking of you, gunn :)

Minn

[zoea]

Don't beat yourself up. U know what will happen if u continue. U won't be physically hooked after one use. So quickly move ahead.
Enjoy your holiday.

Be strong
Zoe

[10356]

Hi Gunn.. Everyone is right do not beat yourself up It is now in the past..  Go on your vacation with your family and have a wonderful time.. You came clean about your use You can feel good about that You told and that takes a lot of strength and dedication.. when I wrote to you about living with your family as you go thru this Is still good as you can not hide from life forever in your country home separated from your wife.. You need to set up some aftercare in the city meetings counseling.. You need to gain a support system on the outside so You can go back to living your life..  I know you feel safe where you are but it takes more then just removing yourself our what happened last night will reoccur.. Have you thought about moving from the city and starting out somewhere else ? just a thought I hope you do not take this as being harsh just trying to help you set yourself up for success for when you do go back home. take care and be kind to yourself.. lesa

[LostNoMore]

Gunnu - It;s OK man. The main thing is that you're talking about it here, and that one slip won't set you all the way back to square one. Use this as a learning experience, and please get back to your recovery now. Don't get caught up in negative thinking, GO on your vacation!! You deserve it, your family deserves it. Go and be CLEAN!  You're a strong person gunn. You
can beat this. You  know that. I really want you to find some aftercare. We need it. The hard part of this thing is staying clean after we start to feel better and the old mental patterns are still there. We all want you to succeed. Your family sees the changes in you. GET BACK ON THE HORSE. Keep posting and think hard about getting some help.

[gunn73]

what i did last night , i know it was just a 1 time gig...........i m so pissed at my self, i was doing so well and i ****** it all up. it s just the guilt that s eating me. i just want her to be happy.