And then there were 2...

[BlastedB]

I have been taking (downing) Hydrocodone at a rate of 8 or so a day for the last year at least with a full blown addiction to the bastards for at least 4 years now. It started with a car crash in which I damaged my knee in an unusual way, I split my Tibia bone down the middle and had to have it reconstructed with a rod, screws and cadaver bone inserted. I quit about 1 1/2 years ago taking the pills for about 4 weeks and remember the hell of the withdrawal but I also remember the feeling of being totally off the meds also. I slipped back on them because someone owed me money and paid me back in pills that I foolishly accepted thinking that I would sell them and recoup a little extra cash then I had loaned him. Big mistake. 1 turned into 2, 3, 5, 8 a day... with beer chasers. Now I have made the decision to quit again and have my last 2 to take today... I will be successful but not until about 2 weeks of hell. There was a day that I started... and this will finally be the last time I ever go through this.

[BlastedB]

Thanks and I will... Day 1 and yea it *****, but I'm tried of this and if I don't like something... It's gone :)

[BlastedB]

Reading your post has me thinking about my childhood. I used to glamorize the members of my family that were counterculture and marched to their own drummer... I fantasized about hanging out and partying with them when I was too young to be let in to that world and was excluded because they knew it was immoral to hook a child of my age (say 8-9) up with what they were doing. Sadly, that came to an end the first year of junior high school. As soon as I got there, I became friends with kids that did not have that barrier between... well, good and evil, and they were already hardcore users of all things imaginable. I jumped on that train and never looked back. I've had bouts with all types of things short of sticking a needle in my arm (too scared) and have never even saw heroin in my life... Coke, Crack, PCP, Crystal Meth, Weed, Alcohol, Ecstacy, Mescaline, LSD, Mushrooms, Scripts... well, nothing wrong with any of those! I used to count how many different things I was on in a day and laugh when it would be 6, 7, 8 different substances in a days time. I gave up All the others because they were either to scarce, too expensive, or bad experience. But Alcohol and Vicodin was the perfect combination for me. I don't consider myself an Alcoholic unless the Vics are involved. On the pills, I was a champion drinker that was and still is a badge of honor among my "crowd". No pills... I can have a beer or 2 or a couple of glasses of wine, eat dinner, and be done. That's just me and I know it doesn't work like that for everyone. Day 1 without the pills and I feel it... But I have the willpower to quit and so does my wife (over a week clean and still kicking) I am a STRONG willed person and when I set my mind to something, a little physical pain aint s*it to accomplish what I want (and need) to do. Good Luck and keep fighting... B

[LucyFan1975]

Please Be strong!!!! Good Luck!!! Let me knoGood Luck!!! Been there and done all that ****,,,was so sick i wanted to die....and then I prayed to die after that...I was a WUSS and got into methadone treatment....and now that **** is my ruler....14 bucks a day sounds so cheap when you are doing 100 plus a day in whatever narcotic was available first....and it was cheaper....but now 4 and a half years later....its a barrier to having a nice life...a car or a rent payment is 400 a month...and I dont DARE consider not getting my pink liquid everyday,.,,the wd is way WAY worse for methadone than what I was dealing with before....and I lived in fear of that last pill wearing off...and not a clue when or how...or what I would sell to make the next batch happen...and I was facing that sickness that is worse than a human should bear and still live after its over....and now I KNOW what I will face will be many times worse than the worst I had before...so I just swapped addictions....ones legal...and kinda ok morally...and you are told you are in recovery....and want so BAD to believe that you are a recovering addict...but are you really???? I guess I will find that answer out when I am answering for all my sins....and there are MANY....and I will see if methadone maintance was really a good enough answer to balance out all the bad I did as a "addict" and if i was actually recovering at all....or if it was alll just a moral bandaid to make my sins seem tolerable....because I got help...and got over the supposed addiction I let Saitan let into my life,,,and costed such a huge price to be paid by the ones I love the most in my life...and who I am making suffer allong with me...or more so, cause I got the joys of the sins...they did not...and my beloved kids were never ment to see me that way then...and have a paupers life now because of the **** *** mom that they were born to....who should have been able to give them all they needed for sure...and most of what they wanted...or would want if they knew it was in existance...like the 35+ cruises I went on as a teen....or the nice clothes that I picked out and begged to have...no matter the ridiculas price for just a name on a tag...and when I thought I had monsters for parents that would force me to live without the fad of that moment....and I would ACTUALLY die if I had to go to school without whatever item it was that day....and I BELIEVED I was being slighted in a HUGE way...they got me it...and all was right in my spoiled world again...till the next HAD TO HAVE thing came into my mind....but my kids dont have any of that drama....thier Gramdma buys thier clothes...and picks them out...and we are lucky that she does it....and whatever she has in the bags is what my preteen son and diva in her own mind daughter will wear till they either outgrow them...or they are so bad looking that Grandma breaks down and does it all again....and they know that there is no use to hope or fight for different than what they got...and they dont even seem to mind it too much....BAD MOMMY....and they have to live in a TINY apartment that is a old maids quarters on my parents home,,,,and they thought they had hit the lotto when my mom and I managed to arrange  the furniture to make a sad fascade of a bedroom for them...no walls...and not much space to call thier own...but they were over the moon when they were showed thier new "rooms"---BAD MOM....And there is TONS more but I have rambled on enough to have made my point somewhat....
w how you ended up???

[YesLife4Me]

Just wanted to send positive thoughts your way.   You have the right attitude to get er done!   Keep us posted on your progress or if you need anything.

[BlastedB]

Not from street but from a friend of my wife that was taking 2x, 3x the amount of vics I was... I have not decided to take that route yet as I haven't even started withdrawals yet... my last pill was taken an hour ago. I may look into NA but not while I'm kicking. I know how that goes and would rather not be around ANYONE while the worst is happening. It's gonna suck, but, from reading some of these posts, I seem to have it easier than others. I hope everyone can accomplish their stated goals as do I for myself, and life can return to... well, not NORMAL, but something other than masked.

[Bkitty]

Hi there and wecome! Congrats on taking control to get your life back. If I were you I would stay away from using the subs. Sub is complicated and comes with its own set of issues. Don't get me wrong~it works great for some members and many have been successful. Are you looking into a sub program? Or taking it from the streets? Its also very imperative to have an aftercare program in place. I am a firm believer that the physical withdrawal from pills is only about 5% (I know it doesn't seem/feel like that) of the battle of addiction. The rest is mental and that is 95%. Have you looked into NA/AA of any kind. Don't deny yourself the care that is needed to address the mental part of addiction. I wish you all the best and keep us posted! You will get thru the physical withdrawal! Be patient with yourself. ((hugs))

[BlastedB]

Well it didn't help that my wife was right there in denial with me, but, she has realized that this is no kind of life... The money, the ********, the feeling that we can only accomplish deeds if the pill supply lasts... She has been off for a week before my end date so that we were not both sick and useless at the same time... She's feeling better and now it's my turn. I will succeed. Such a nightmare from something that is supposed to help. I never took to the pills when I had a toothache or other minor ailments. I took them but never got hooked... When I broke my knee and had surgery, I was hooked. Thanks for the well wishes :)

[BlastedB]

I have only the plan of never coming in contact with those painkillers again... I have done it before and I will be stronger this time since my wife, who was as big an abuser as I, finally came to the conclusion that this was no way to live... She has been off of them for a week solid and although she is taking some suboxone to calm the withdrawals, she is vowing never to go down that road again. The last time I quit, she still used them and that's why I think I relapsed, thinking I could just have one or two on a night out. Nope. I may or may not use some suboxone also. From memory, I don't like the feeling that it gives me, but this time I was using Vicodin a little more than the last time I quit, so we'll see. I know it will be hard, but I am not scared because I know what kicking feels like...  

[dominosarah]

What are your plans after you wd?

[ang_811]

Well u learned a valuable lesson that a monkey can't sell bananas.  U only have to go thru the withdrawals once and that's it. We can't do this recovery thing alone without some kind of aftercare. We can only white knuckle sobriety so long b4 we relapse again. Bn sober is one thing bur having recovery is whole other thing. Good luck.

We only have to do this for one day as that's all we have.

Every morning u wake up tell yourself that your stronger than yesterday.