30 Days Today. To all the lurkers. IT IS WORTH IT!

[duckandcover]

I started out as a lurker trying to find a place where people could help me.  I'm on 30 days free and clear off of Oxy today.  I haven't really sunk my teeth into the board but I know I could NOT have done it without this place.  I'm not really a big poster but I have had to deal the the different phases of getting clean.  Detox.  Withdrawal.  Anxiety and more anxiety. Dreams.  and from what I've read my brain will sort of "Reset" itself on a monthly basis so I understand that the continuing anxiety will go on for a while and is to be expected.  I learned about these phases and how to deal with them.. here.  I learned that what I was dealing with was part of a process.. here.   Recently, I FINALLY got over the feeling that I was going through the day while looking through someone else's eyes.  For better ow worse it's all me now.

I'd like to say something to those of you who don't know what to do, who are carrying guilt or shame, who are afraid of what might happen if you quit... THE STRUGGLE THAT COMES WITH QUITTING IS WORTH IT!!.  

I got off easy compared to a lot of the folks on here but if quitting had been twice as hard it would have been worth it.  How do you put a value on thinking clearly.  What would an amputee pay to have a leg back or an arm back.  Drugs are worse than physical.  They take much more. They take YOU.

I have my SELF back.  My clarity back.  And a lot of other things I missed out on over the last... (god help me)... YEARS!!

Anyway,  If you're lurking like I did for a long time and struggling with what might lay ahead for you then I thought you should know that YES it's worth it.  Take the plunge.  Commit. Get whatever help you can from whatever resources you have available to you.  And make sure to introduce yourself to the amazing people on this board and don't be afraid to ask for help.  There is literally NO shame here so you can put those worries aside.

Without the information and encouragement and (amazingly) humor that I found here I know I would NOT have held out. You CAN do it!

Peace..

[allaboutmary]

Congrat's on 30 days !  You sound like you are doing great.  Stay strong and keep going.  Best wishes..  Mary

[lostsoul2]

Thanks for everything you said.  I have been up and down with these f*****g pills.  I can't do the roller coaster anymore.  What you said about seeing the world through someone else's eyes is what I needed to hear.   I have this feeling of detachment, like I'm just drifting away, no direction, no idea of what's going on, no idea how to interact without being under the influence.  I am so tired of counting days, hours, minutes.  I just want to find a place where I can feel normal, like I was before I started this s***.  And I want a day when I don't even think about a pill.  It seems so far away.  Thank you for you inspiration.

[avisg]

wooo hoooo on your 30 days ,you are doing great ....living clean is sooo much better.Keep it up

[duckandcover]

You described it perfectly.  That's what I hate the most about these pills.  Every day as myself is sharper and clearer and more interesting.  Don't get me wrong, it's NOT easy.  Opiates are like insects that burrow themselves into your brain and won't leave.  The only way to get rid of them is to starve them out.  They don't go easily but the DO go.  The struggle is not easy but it is worth it.  Hang in there!

[1234betterlife]

great post. i think you have it down now. congragulations.

[kimmieb]

wow, you sound free and clear.  Congratulations on your success.  I have nothing but respect, as I'm still trying to figure out how to get where you are right now.  How did you even start?  Do you have to hit absolute rock bottom before it sinks in that this is totally a losing battle and no good will ever come out of using opiates?  I can't get there.  I'm between wanting to and scared to death to take the plunge.  You really sound like you've come a loooooooooooong way.  Geez, how I wish I could be in your shoes....but I know wishing ain't gonna make it happen.....

[duckandcover]

Well everyones bottom is different and my situations was very complicated.  I was on Lortabs forever (at least it felt that way) but at a stable dose.  Then one day when I ran out I took a "nibble" off one of my wife's prescription oxy's (a 40mg) and pow!  

Thus began a long spiral of stealing some from her script every month (she was prescribed 6-40mg / day and was too out of it to miss the ones I ook). I was mixing them in with my own lortabs etc etc... I didn't know about the time release of the oxy's and how potent it was to chew on them.  I told myself that if I ever got to the point of "nibbling" a whole 40 in a day that I had to quit.  

What really got me was that I stuck (oddly enough) to that rule because I saw the awful effect they were having on my wife (she's in chronic pain and on Methadone now and doing waaay better).  I never consumed more than a 40 in one day.  But stupid me I didn't realize that my body and brain didn't care.  I was for months (without realizing it) in a near constant state of withdrawl.  The anxiety and panic attacks were killing me so I'd go out with friends and add a LOT of drinking on top of it which calmed me down.

Then one day thought it was possible that I was having a heart attack.  Went to the ER got checked out and cleared.  Told it was anxiety.  Deep down I knew what was wrong.  I then did some research and found this place and lurked for a while and got a bit of an education.  I got my ducks in a row.  Found the best weekend to get "the flu" and be out of work and took the plunge.

I never realized how strong a grip it had on me until I FINALLY got back to being just myself.  Scares the S#it out of me to think back on it.  For me I had a "rule" about my consumption (reinforced by watching my wife) and I just refused to break it for some reason.  Thank God.

Like I said in my first post though.  I realize that compared to a LOT of folks on here I got off easy.

[toxictome]

Congrats on your 30 days!!! That is so awesome!!!!

Great post...you said lots of good things...

I , like you, felt like i got off easy compared to a lot of people on here......But reading all the stories..i knew those "YETS" were  to come had i stayed out there feeding my addiction.........but no matter how we got here...we all the had the same demons eating our hearts, minds, and souls....isn't it AWESOME to be free??

[kimmieb]

Well, after being through all of that (not as easy as you might consider), congrats are in order!  I was on the fence about tapering....and I think I just hopped over to the other side tonight.....so tomorrow will be a big day for me.  If anyone is a praying person, I can use all the prayers I can get.  Almost 10 years on these things (my children's WHOLE lives, which makes me sick to think of) -- that's a heckuva strong behavior to just taper down in a few days.....but I know it can be done....I've read the stories here.....I hope one day I can be one of these success stories.  Nothing would make me happier....