Aa
Well, you'll all be glad to know I think you're right
Had a loooong conversation with the hubby the other night til the wee hour of 2:30 am about a "battle plan". He wants me to be gentle on my body so I don't force myself into a seizure so we're planning a slow & easy taper.
I'm up to about 8 a day now so I will proceed with that for this coming week (today is Saturday). The following week I will drop to 7, week after 6 and so on til I'm down to just a half a day then stopping completely. From all the reading I've done it appears that heavy hydration and lots of hot baths are key and I know I have a problem with dehydration because I always have. Here in the South we mainline sweet iced tea, lol, and I'm no exception to the rule. I do NOT intend on cutting out my caffeine habit at the same time so don't even try and talk me into it! ;)
Anyhoo LOTS of Gatorade, Carnation Instant Breakfast, Saltines, etc. is what I'm going to load up on once I start feeling the effects of the gradual cutbacks.
I do a lot of thinking and my 5 year old is always asking, "Mommy, what cha doin?" when I'm staring blankly out the window. What I'm thinking is that yes, I DO spend a good bit of my time consumed with finding a website that will ship to my state and yes, I DO freak out BIG TIME when I get low on my supply. It certainly would not hurt my body and life if I stopped taking Trams so why not? Maybe I'll even be able to do the impossible and convince my mind and body that I'm not dopesick but genuinely have "the flu"?
One thing that really concerns me, and has for quite some time, is that I don't have a "hobby". I read that the boredom is dangerous because it causes many addicts to relapse so I'm a little frantic. My husband is a musician so his DOC is guitar. If he were trying to relax or take his mind off things he would make music. I don't have a "thing" like that. I don't make music, I don't enjoy knitting or the outdoors, I don't have a craft or interest that would take up my spare time. Likely one of the reasons I picked up the bottle of pills was our of boredom to begin with so now without that crutch what am I to do?? Hmm...
Well, thanks to all of you and your patience with me. I still have a lot of anger and resentment built up but I'm hoping this slow and gradual taper will help with that. I've noticed lately that my temper is a lot shorter with my kids - they don't deserve that so maybe I can be a calm, relaxed, contented mom that they require.
Thanks especially to you, nursegirl - you words shot straight through my heart. :)
I'm up to about 8 a day now so I will proceed with that for this coming week (today is Saturday). The following week I will drop to 7, week after 6 and so on til I'm down to just a half a day then stopping completely. From all the reading I've done it appears that heavy hydration and lots of hot baths are key and I know I have a problem with dehydration because I always have. Here in the South we mainline sweet iced tea, lol, and I'm no exception to the rule. I do NOT intend on cutting out my caffeine habit at the same time so don't even try and talk me into it! ;)
Anyhoo LOTS of Gatorade, Carnation Instant Breakfast, Saltines, etc. is what I'm going to load up on once I start feeling the effects of the gradual cutbacks.
I do a lot of thinking and my 5 year old is always asking, "Mommy, what cha doin?" when I'm staring blankly out the window. What I'm thinking is that yes, I DO spend a good bit of my time consumed with finding a website that will ship to my state and yes, I DO freak out BIG TIME when I get low on my supply. It certainly would not hurt my body and life if I stopped taking Trams so why not? Maybe I'll even be able to do the impossible and convince my mind and body that I'm not dopesick but genuinely have "the flu"?
One thing that really concerns me, and has for quite some time, is that I don't have a "hobby". I read that the boredom is dangerous because it causes many addicts to relapse so I'm a little frantic. My husband is a musician so his DOC is guitar. If he were trying to relax or take his mind off things he would make music. I don't have a "thing" like that. I don't make music, I don't enjoy knitting or the outdoors, I don't have a craft or interest that would take up my spare time. Likely one of the reasons I picked up the bottle of pills was our of boredom to begin with so now without that crutch what am I to do?? Hmm...
Well, thanks to all of you and your patience with me. I still have a lot of anger and resentment built up but I'm hoping this slow and gradual taper will help with that. I've noticed lately that my temper is a lot shorter with my kids - they don't deserve that so maybe I can be a calm, relaxed, contented mom that they require.
Thanks especially to you, nursegirl - you words shot straight through my heart. :)
Best Answer
Girl6572- you have a great way with words! I wished you were my neighbor! :-) If you were my neighbor... maybe we could talk and you would give me my dog toys back! I love reading your "stories" and advise (which is always on target)! Have a great Sunday.
Hey nursegirl!
Just very quickly wanted to address a couple of things you said before I log off for a bit - I have been up ALL NIGHT researching meetings and writing down pages of notes for what to do about my mom's social security and unemployment meetings next week.
The reason I come across as flippant on the extensive alcohol classes was that they were such an obvious waste of EVERYONE'S time and no one was learning a thing. Also, my main problem the night of my "incident" was pills and only a very small amount of alcohol. What was being pushed down my throat was not only degrading but it was addressing the WRONG issue. To the contrary, my arrest happened the NIGHT my father had died and I haven't had drop since. They were preaching to the choir at that point.
To the contrary, however, I DO want to attend an AA or NA meeting and am looking into attending one this very evening at a location just a couple of blocks away. I am quite interested to see what it's all about and what I will hear.
I DO think "how did this happen to me?" but I do NOT say to myself "this isn't me" or "I'm not like them". In fact, one of the things my hubby gives me the MOST credit for is my openness and willingness to confess my sins. He says he is proud of me for coming out and saying I have an addiction problem and that I'm not better or worse than anyone else who has the same addiction problems that I do. It seems I was coming across the wrong way to you and I want to correct that one immediately. :)
I've already looked up those 2 books on Amazon that were mentioned to me earlier and have already placed my order - can't WAIT to get them and then inhale them hopefully by next weekend! :)
I'm also kinda excited to see how this first new meeting will go tonight. Still trying to determine the difference between "closed" and "open" meetings but I am smiling right at this moment, jazzed to meet up with some people who understand PERFECTLY what I'm going through and can offer me some advice on how to cope when the times get rough.
Don't you worry - like I said, I've laced up the "diva" boots and some serious boot-kicking and bug-stomping will soon be on the agenda, my friend. ;)
Just very quickly wanted to address a couple of things you said before I log off for a bit - I have been up ALL NIGHT researching meetings and writing down pages of notes for what to do about my mom's social security and unemployment meetings next week.
The reason I come across as flippant on the extensive alcohol classes was that they were such an obvious waste of EVERYONE'S time and no one was learning a thing. Also, my main problem the night of my "incident" was pills and only a very small amount of alcohol. What was being pushed down my throat was not only degrading but it was addressing the WRONG issue. To the contrary, my arrest happened the NIGHT my father had died and I haven't had drop since. They were preaching to the choir at that point.
To the contrary, however, I DO want to attend an AA or NA meeting and am looking into attending one this very evening at a location just a couple of blocks away. I am quite interested to see what it's all about and what I will hear.
I DO think "how did this happen to me?" but I do NOT say to myself "this isn't me" or "I'm not like them". In fact, one of the things my hubby gives me the MOST credit for is my openness and willingness to confess my sins. He says he is proud of me for coming out and saying I have an addiction problem and that I'm not better or worse than anyone else who has the same addiction problems that I do. It seems I was coming across the wrong way to you and I want to correct that one immediately. :)
I've already looked up those 2 books on Amazon that were mentioned to me earlier and have already placed my order - can't WAIT to get them and then inhale them hopefully by next weekend! :)
I'm also kinda excited to see how this first new meeting will go tonight. Still trying to determine the difference between "closed" and "open" meetings but I am smiling right at this moment, jazzed to meet up with some people who understand PERFECTLY what I'm going through and can offer me some advice on how to cope when the times get rough.
Don't you worry - like I said, I've laced up the "diva" boots and some serious boot-kicking and bug-stomping will soon be on the agenda, my friend. ;)
The thing I'm the most proud of you for is admitting you're scared...admitting you DON'T have all the answers, and for admitting you're vulnerable and not in control (like you want to be). That's a huge start.
Now, I must tell you that the story you shared about your mandatory classes (DUI I assume?)...for one, it kind of leaves the reader shaking their head and for someone who is an addict, I can even see it being offensive. I DO get that you're being honest...I'm just being honest with YOU how you come accross. You come accross as though you couldn't have POSSIBLY deserved to go through all that nonsense...when the truth of the matter is...you DID.
I can understand that those kinds of things don't always have the same kind of impact when it's something that is REQUIRED versus something that is CHOSEN... HOWEVER CIK made some absolutely wonderful points. You get OUT of an experience what YOU want to, based on your mindset. That whole situation could have gone VERY differently for you had you surrendered a little bit and tried to get something out of it. I get the impression that you strongly feel you shouldn't have had to do any of it, maybe because you were a first time offender? The bottom line is...we must accept that there are consequences for our actions...and I think trying to "weasel" out of the consequences (or some of them) basically invalidates the whole thing.
So you got out of picking up trash on the side of the road....and you're almost proud of that...the way you write...you present some things in a very grandiose, bragging kind of way (I've told you this before). This is the same thing. While no one really wants to pick up garbage on the side of the road...it was PART of your consequence, and you got out of it. Therefore, there's no lesson there. If you want to be successful in recovery, you HAVE to try to change your mindset...you HAVE to WANT to get something out of these experiences that may not be something you've ever imagined doing or something you really WANT to be doing. I think it's safe to say that no addict WANTS to have to be at an AA/NA meeting...but they make the most of it, and learn to get as much out of it as they can. Then their mindset changes, and the meetings become a vital part of their lives. You just buck everything every step of the way, which makes things so much harder for you.
You're making progress...you're here talking, asking questions, you're talking to the hubby, you're trying to find other ways to cope besides taking a pill...that's awesome. Just keep on moving forward, with the advice given here in your mind. Just remember that you're really going to have to HUMBLE yourself in this process for it to work. I KNOW it's very hard for you on one hand, because you KNOW logically need the help, but you're still struggling with the fact that you are in this position...how did this happen to ME? This isn't ME! I'm not like "them".
That's a common internal conflict, and it won't improve overnight...you just need to start working it...start swallowing your pride, giving up the control...and plan to get something out of each experience. Don't write ANY method (or resource) off until you've given it a fair shot....if you go into these things with preconceived notions, you'll stay closed off to any ideas, and any kind of valuable info you could get out of it. You'd only be making yourself lose out. You're not a religious person, and while some of the more traditional programs include some bit of a faith-based approach, that doesn't mean that people like you won't benefit in their own way from it. You know? I truly think the hardest part of this for you is going to be getting past your own rigid standards and opinions.
I think it's wonderful that you've started down the road to recovery. It won't be easy at times...but man will it be worth it!!!
Hang in there! XOXO
Now, I must tell you that the story you shared about your mandatory classes (DUI I assume?)...for one, it kind of leaves the reader shaking their head and for someone who is an addict, I can even see it being offensive. I DO get that you're being honest...I'm just being honest with YOU how you come accross. You come accross as though you couldn't have POSSIBLY deserved to go through all that nonsense...when the truth of the matter is...you DID.
I can understand that those kinds of things don't always have the same kind of impact when it's something that is REQUIRED versus something that is CHOSEN... HOWEVER CIK made some absolutely wonderful points. You get OUT of an experience what YOU want to, based on your mindset. That whole situation could have gone VERY differently for you had you surrendered a little bit and tried to get something out of it. I get the impression that you strongly feel you shouldn't have had to do any of it, maybe because you were a first time offender? The bottom line is...we must accept that there are consequences for our actions...and I think trying to "weasel" out of the consequences (or some of them) basically invalidates the whole thing.
So you got out of picking up trash on the side of the road....and you're almost proud of that...the way you write...you present some things in a very grandiose, bragging kind of way (I've told you this before). This is the same thing. While no one really wants to pick up garbage on the side of the road...it was PART of your consequence, and you got out of it. Therefore, there's no lesson there. If you want to be successful in recovery, you HAVE to try to change your mindset...you HAVE to WANT to get something out of these experiences that may not be something you've ever imagined doing or something you really WANT to be doing. I think it's safe to say that no addict WANTS to have to be at an AA/NA meeting...but they make the most of it, and learn to get as much out of it as they can. Then their mindset changes, and the meetings become a vital part of their lives. You just buck everything every step of the way, which makes things so much harder for you.
You're making progress...you're here talking, asking questions, you're talking to the hubby, you're trying to find other ways to cope besides taking a pill...that's awesome. Just keep on moving forward, with the advice given here in your mind. Just remember that you're really going to have to HUMBLE yourself in this process for it to work. I KNOW it's very hard for you on one hand, because you KNOW logically need the help, but you're still struggling with the fact that you are in this position...how did this happen to ME? This isn't ME! I'm not like "them".
That's a common internal conflict, and it won't improve overnight...you just need to start working it...start swallowing your pride, giving up the control...and plan to get something out of each experience. Don't write ANY method (or resource) off until you've given it a fair shot....if you go into these things with preconceived notions, you'll stay closed off to any ideas, and any kind of valuable info you could get out of it. You'd only be making yourself lose out. You're not a religious person, and while some of the more traditional programs include some bit of a faith-based approach, that doesn't mean that people like you won't benefit in their own way from it. You know? I truly think the hardest part of this for you is going to be getting past your own rigid standards and opinions.
I think it's wonderful that you've started down the road to recovery. It won't be easy at times...but man will it be worth it!!!
Hang in there! XOXO
I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have a wonderful husband. That is going to make such a difference in your recovery! Please lean on him and don't worry about how you will repay him. I'm sure for him and the rest of your loved ones just having you clean and healthy will be all the repayment they need. And treat this site like anything else in life, take what you need and leave the rest. ;) We are here for you girl!
Proud of you for wanting to get clean. You can do it. Go for walks, read, watch t.v. play games. Find stuff to do. Drink coffee helps, eating helps, snacking. I love AA Na meetings, makes me feel great, and I enjoy the people. AA has a great program, made me a better person. Also went to recovery and did the twelve step program, it really helped me. Give meetings a try I love the socializing also.
>>"I've got to say, you're amazing. You take a tried and true part of recovery and twist it into a bad TV drama. Yes - you can probably get drugs at AA or NA meetings. Or at church. Or at the grocery store. Or or or...
I give up. You've wasted too much of my time."
First off, to Kyle - whoa, dude. I'm pouring out my heart to strangers on the internet and sharing TRUE stories of situations I have experienced and you feel the need to insult me? What's up with that? I honestly, legitimately asked if NA/AA places were also places where junkies can sometimes score and was curious for a sincere, straightforward answer.
I wasn't at church, or a grocery store and since junkies don't usually hang out at those places I would not expect to score there. But since junkies DO hang out at NA meetings then I would expect the ratio of users to non-users to be greatly in favor of the users.
Call me naive if you wish, since it's true, but there is no rationale behind telling me I'm "twisting" an experience I've never had. A simple "yes, it often happens" or "no, not very often does this happen" would have sufficed. I'm not as dumb as you may believe.
Now, on to the helpful answers. Kudos to ariley who kept it short and sweet with the reminder that: "Everyone is different when it comes to recovery, just like every other part of life...give it a shot. If it's not for you then you can find something else. There are so many things that you can use in your recovery. You will find something that works and is suited to you."
Finally a big cyber hug to CIK for a reality check I needed: "All people can be our teachers...even if the lesson we learn is that we "don't want to be like them". If we hadn't been around them or listened.....how would we have been taught that lesson?" VERY smart and very true, my friend. Your words there gave me a smile.
Bringing everyone up to speed it is now nearly 4am in my time zone and I have spent the better part of the past *9 HOURS* :O sitting next to my hubs on the patio, kicking back and talking out a LOT of my worries and fears.
I had just prepared dinner and my mood was not good. I was angry that I was the only one cleaning the kitchen, angry that my kids' toys were all over the living room, angry that the dirty laundry was on the floor instead of in the hamper...so I stomped around hurriedly correcting these oversights while quietly resenting it. My hands started to shake, my stomach began to feel queasy and I was approaching one of those pivotal moments. A moment that, up until now, I pop a pill to relax because I "need one". So I stopped, took a quick breath and made a decision. I was either going to walk out the front door and go for a quick walk around the vacant high school parking lot next door - maybe even jump up and down and fling myself around in frustration for about 10 minutes, or I was going to go outside where my hubby was having his portion of dinner and spill my guts.
If there is one thing I can say for my husband he is a WONDERFUL listener. He will quietly smile and attentively listen to me babble on for hours on just about any topic. If I need a sounding board, he is my number one authority.
We had hours upon hours of wonderfully healing talks on a number of subjects that have been bothering me, and all the while he gently massages my feet in his lap and smiles gently as he absorbs what I'm telling him. He offers his opinion when I ask and even gives me some constructive criticism when he can see I need some.
Within a half an hour my nausea was gone and, while my anxiety and tension was still gnawing at me, it was GREATLY reduced knowing I have someone in my life who truly cares.
We have been together for 11 years now and this man has seen me at my **VERY** worst but still chooses to love me and take me into his arms as his wife and mother to our children. Although I don't believe in destiny, I genuinely and intensely believe that no other man on the planet (or at least the greater United States area, lol) would put up with my $h!t over the past decade the way this man has.
He gives me every single thing I need to be a strong woman, emotionally, spiritually, physically. We connect on almost every single level whether it be politics, socialism, economics and religious ideals. And on the very few instances when we clash, we respectfully agree to disagree so that we may go about our business as being parents and a married couple.
I owe him SO VERY much and I have no idea how I will ever repay him. Part of how I will do so is to attack and CONQUER this addiction. I will squash it like a bug under my boot. I will do this to empower myself in my womanhood and to prove myself a strong, worthy spouse to my loyal husband. I will also do this to prove to my children that nothing is impossible in this world and someday, when I am telling them my story that is in process right now, I will inform them how my experience should teach them to NEVER give in to your fears. NEVER to try and numb yourself, to HIDE from life. Because life will always come to find you and it will be much easier to face if you are clear-headed, equipped and ready to accept it.
Am I still scared? Terrified. Is that horror still tingling in my fingers and toes? Absolutely. Do I know what tomorrow will bring? With every day that comes, it will bring less and less of the crutch I have been using for SO VERY long and this realization nearly paralyzes me with dread. Here I go down a brand new path - one that I have avoided for over a decade now.
But at the advice of some of you kind people here I have decided to attend a few of these meetings. As you may have guessed, I love to talk. I love to share my story and I love to hear the stories of others. Perhaps, just perchance, this is my calling.
Thank you once again to those I have quoted for your help. Now, to retire for the rest of the short evening and attempt some rest with all of these ideas and feelings bouncing around in my head and body. Sweet dreams, all. ;)
I give up. You've wasted too much of my time."
First off, to Kyle - whoa, dude. I'm pouring out my heart to strangers on the internet and sharing TRUE stories of situations I have experienced and you feel the need to insult me? What's up with that? I honestly, legitimately asked if NA/AA places were also places where junkies can sometimes score and was curious for a sincere, straightforward answer.
I wasn't at church, or a grocery store and since junkies don't usually hang out at those places I would not expect to score there. But since junkies DO hang out at NA meetings then I would expect the ratio of users to non-users to be greatly in favor of the users.
Call me naive if you wish, since it's true, but there is no rationale behind telling me I'm "twisting" an experience I've never had. A simple "yes, it often happens" or "no, not very often does this happen" would have sufficed. I'm not as dumb as you may believe.
Now, on to the helpful answers. Kudos to ariley who kept it short and sweet with the reminder that: "Everyone is different when it comes to recovery, just like every other part of life...give it a shot. If it's not for you then you can find something else. There are so many things that you can use in your recovery. You will find something that works and is suited to you."
Finally a big cyber hug to CIK for a reality check I needed: "All people can be our teachers...even if the lesson we learn is that we "don't want to be like them". If we hadn't been around them or listened.....how would we have been taught that lesson?" VERY smart and very true, my friend. Your words there gave me a smile.
Bringing everyone up to speed it is now nearly 4am in my time zone and I have spent the better part of the past *9 HOURS* :O sitting next to my hubs on the patio, kicking back and talking out a LOT of my worries and fears.
I had just prepared dinner and my mood was not good. I was angry that I was the only one cleaning the kitchen, angry that my kids' toys were all over the living room, angry that the dirty laundry was on the floor instead of in the hamper...so I stomped around hurriedly correcting these oversights while quietly resenting it. My hands started to shake, my stomach began to feel queasy and I was approaching one of those pivotal moments. A moment that, up until now, I pop a pill to relax because I "need one". So I stopped, took a quick breath and made a decision. I was either going to walk out the front door and go for a quick walk around the vacant high school parking lot next door - maybe even jump up and down and fling myself around in frustration for about 10 minutes, or I was going to go outside where my hubby was having his portion of dinner and spill my guts.
If there is one thing I can say for my husband he is a WONDERFUL listener. He will quietly smile and attentively listen to me babble on for hours on just about any topic. If I need a sounding board, he is my number one authority.
We had hours upon hours of wonderfully healing talks on a number of subjects that have been bothering me, and all the while he gently massages my feet in his lap and smiles gently as he absorbs what I'm telling him. He offers his opinion when I ask and even gives me some constructive criticism when he can see I need some.
Within a half an hour my nausea was gone and, while my anxiety and tension was still gnawing at me, it was GREATLY reduced knowing I have someone in my life who truly cares.
We have been together for 11 years now and this man has seen me at my **VERY** worst but still chooses to love me and take me into his arms as his wife and mother to our children. Although I don't believe in destiny, I genuinely and intensely believe that no other man on the planet (or at least the greater United States area, lol) would put up with my $h!t over the past decade the way this man has.
He gives me every single thing I need to be a strong woman, emotionally, spiritually, physically. We connect on almost every single level whether it be politics, socialism, economics and religious ideals. And on the very few instances when we clash, we respectfully agree to disagree so that we may go about our business as being parents and a married couple.
I owe him SO VERY much and I have no idea how I will ever repay him. Part of how I will do so is to attack and CONQUER this addiction. I will squash it like a bug under my boot. I will do this to empower myself in my womanhood and to prove myself a strong, worthy spouse to my loyal husband. I will also do this to prove to my children that nothing is impossible in this world and someday, when I am telling them my story that is in process right now, I will inform them how my experience should teach them to NEVER give in to your fears. NEVER to try and numb yourself, to HIDE from life. Because life will always come to find you and it will be much easier to face if you are clear-headed, equipped and ready to accept it.
Am I still scared? Terrified. Is that horror still tingling in my fingers and toes? Absolutely. Do I know what tomorrow will bring? With every day that comes, it will bring less and less of the crutch I have been using for SO VERY long and this realization nearly paralyzes me with dread. Here I go down a brand new path - one that I have avoided for over a decade now.
But at the advice of some of you kind people here I have decided to attend a few of these meetings. As you may have guessed, I love to talk. I love to share my story and I love to hear the stories of others. Perhaps, just perchance, this is my calling.
Thank you once again to those I have quoted for your help. Now, to retire for the rest of the short evening and attempt some rest with all of these ideas and feelings bouncing around in my head and body. Sweet dreams, all. ;)
great post cik even before the internet there was the hammer. A simple tool that could be used to build a house or hit someone over the head with..
It is important to do some things every day that support our recovery. Very true
It is important to do some things every day that support our recovery. Very true
From my point of view.....ANYTHING can be misused.
The internet is a GREAT tool.......you can sit in your living room and access the biggest library in New York City and the Vatican library in Rome!
Or.....you can gamble away your entire family's life savings......or you can
prey on children, be a pedophile, learn to make bombs, or obsess on all the pornography.
Facebook can be a way to stay up-to-date with friends and loved ones and share inspiration or special happenings in your life. It can also be a tool of the devil and hurt people, tear down others, photoshop and destroy reputations, gossip, etc.
We are given tools in life....we are given the POWER OF CHOICE on how we want to use them. ANYTHING can be abused.
I know myself.....I usually find what I'm looking for......if I go to a meeting and consciously decide to look for what I can RELATE to.....not to what BUGS me or what I CANNOT relate to........the outcome is totally different.
There are many, many recovery options in the world today. If you are a "non 12 step person"......there's a program called Smart Recovery that doesn't base their recovery program on the 12 steps. If you are a Christian and feel more comfortable in a certain environment...there is Celebrate Recovery or AddictionVictorious. (I may have that last one not quite right)
My point is.......if you truly want to live a clean and sober life......want to learn HOW to live your life different.....it only makes sense to surround yourself with others whose goal is the same as yours. All people can be our teachers.....and we need to be grateful to ALL of them......even if the lesson we learn is that we "don't want to be like them". If we hadn't been around them or listened.....how would we have been taught that lesson?
There are SO many varieties of meetings.....all times of the day.....all ages, all topics, women only, men only, gay only.....on and on. The 12 Step program is NOT a religious program........it is a spiritual program. Many yrs ago, a friend of mine had a major "problem" with the word Higher Power....and yet he could acknowledge that there truly was a power greater than he was that existed in the world. 12 step meetings give you the total freedom to choose "who" that higher power is FOR YOU.
I am learning not to be so "black and white" as I age. That all or nothing thinking really prevents me from loving or understanding so many people.
I can tell you one thing FOR SURE.......I need to be involved daily with recovery meditation/daily readings, helping and listening to other recovering addicts and helping the addict that still suffers. Otherwise....I will become complacent....and I WILL USE again.
The internet is a GREAT tool.......you can sit in your living room and access the biggest library in New York City and the Vatican library in Rome!
Or.....you can gamble away your entire family's life savings......or you can
prey on children, be a pedophile, learn to make bombs, or obsess on all the pornography.
Facebook can be a way to stay up-to-date with friends and loved ones and share inspiration or special happenings in your life. It can also be a tool of the devil and hurt people, tear down others, photoshop and destroy reputations, gossip, etc.
We are given tools in life....we are given the POWER OF CHOICE on how we want to use them. ANYTHING can be abused.
I know myself.....I usually find what I'm looking for......if I go to a meeting and consciously decide to look for what I can RELATE to.....not to what BUGS me or what I CANNOT relate to........the outcome is totally different.
There are many, many recovery options in the world today. If you are a "non 12 step person"......there's a program called Smart Recovery that doesn't base their recovery program on the 12 steps. If you are a Christian and feel more comfortable in a certain environment...there is Celebrate Recovery or AddictionVictorious. (I may have that last one not quite right)
My point is.......if you truly want to live a clean and sober life......want to learn HOW to live your life different.....it only makes sense to surround yourself with others whose goal is the same as yours. All people can be our teachers.....and we need to be grateful to ALL of them......even if the lesson we learn is that we "don't want to be like them". If we hadn't been around them or listened.....how would we have been taught that lesson?
There are SO many varieties of meetings.....all times of the day.....all ages, all topics, women only, men only, gay only.....on and on. The 12 Step program is NOT a religious program........it is a spiritual program. Many yrs ago, a friend of mine had a major "problem" with the word Higher Power....and yet he could acknowledge that there truly was a power greater than he was that existed in the world. 12 step meetings give you the total freedom to choose "who" that higher power is FOR YOU.
I am learning not to be so "black and white" as I age. That all or nothing thinking really prevents me from loving or understanding so many people.
I can tell you one thing FOR SURE.......I need to be involved daily with recovery meditation/daily readings, helping and listening to other recovering addicts and helping the addict that still suffers. Otherwise....I will become complacent....and I WILL USE again.
Hey stayathomemom- I'm really happy to read that you've came to this decision. I'm sorry if I missed this, but throughout your taper plan are you going to be in control of your pills or someone else? From reading your threads I realize you like to be in the drivers seat.....however as someone who is currently tapering tramadol I can say it is tough , extremely tough, to have access to the pills when you are not feeling so hot with w/ds. Just an idea, if you haven't already, that maybe your husband, who seems very supportive and on board could help you stay on track?
Here's my experience: I went to an AA meeting in 1982 because I had reached a fork in the road. One road led to help, the other led to sinking deeper and deeper into the bog of addiction. I had tried to quit on my own to no avail. But doing it on my own meant relying on my own thinking! It was my own thinking that got me to that fork in the road. My own thinking can't ever fix my own thinking. But that1982 meeting was the combined thinking of a fellowship of men and women trying to solve a common problem. So I went, and I got help. I never had another drink or drug for over 27 years. Then I blew out my back and eventually got hooked on pain pills. Now I attend NA. Been clean again for 7 months. In all the years I attended meetings I NEVER heard of anyone dealing. I've been to meetings from Hawaii to FLA to the Outer Banks of NC and never even heard of such a thing. The 12 steps have saved my life, twice now! I owe the fellowship my vote of confidence; that its a place an addict can go to save their life, and not be approached by some drug dealer. You can be assured of that.
I suppose if someone wanted to really search for something wrong with the fellowship, I'm sure they could come up with something if that was their mission. But I find it the perfect program for imperfect people like me, a true addict to the core.
I suppose if someone wanted to really search for something wrong with the fellowship, I'm sure they could come up with something if that was their mission. But I find it the perfect program for imperfect people like me, a true addict to the core.
Everyone is different when it comes to recovery, just like every other part of life. I say try it and give it a shot. If it's not for you then you can find something else. There are so many things that you can use in your recovery. You will find something that works and is suited to you. Hang in there! :)
This is not true,especially of aa meetings. If I were dealing I would go to the bars and would never go to an na/aa meeting to hook up or establish clientele.
aa/na is a great fit for a lot of people ,however,if you do not believe in a rescuing deity then there is literally no way to work the program as they say.
You can however STILL go to meetings and find sober friends and people who you can talk to about your problems. There are quite a few there who are not judgemental even when it comes to whether you have a god or do not have one. Lots of them just want to help.It is free. I do not work the twelve step program but I did in the past and I decided against it but only after attending hundreds of meetings (at least) and working the steps with a sponsor etc.. Like I said it was not for me but I still go to meetings sometimes as I need to not isolate and I go out with a few of those people here and there. I know there are some that judge me for being an outsider.I also know that there are ones who accept me and tell me "how I work my recovery is none of their business" as long as I stay sober.
To be totally honest with you,the main reason I go is because this meeting is at a treatment center with inpatients and it reminds me of what kind of shape I am going to be in if I relapse. Like I said there are lots of books that can assist you in creating a recovery plan suited to you as a unique individual.Grab you kindle and begin the construction of the new you. Hope this helps.
aa/na is a great fit for a lot of people ,however,if you do not believe in a rescuing deity then there is literally no way to work the program as they say.
You can however STILL go to meetings and find sober friends and people who you can talk to about your problems. There are quite a few there who are not judgemental even when it comes to whether you have a god or do not have one. Lots of them just want to help.It is free. I do not work the twelve step program but I did in the past and I decided against it but only after attending hundreds of meetings (at least) and working the steps with a sponsor etc.. Like I said it was not for me but I still go to meetings sometimes as I need to not isolate and I go out with a few of those people here and there. I know there are some that judge me for being an outsider.I also know that there are ones who accept me and tell me "how I work my recovery is none of their business" as long as I stay sober.
To be totally honest with you,the main reason I go is because this meeting is at a treatment center with inpatients and it reminds me of what kind of shape I am going to be in if I relapse. Like I said there are lots of books that can assist you in creating a recovery plan suited to you as a unique individual.Grab you kindle and begin the construction of the new you. Hope this helps.
I've got to say, you're amazing. You take a tried and true part of recovery and twist it into a bad TV drama. Yes - you can probably get drugs at AA or NA meetings. Or at church. Or at the grocery store. Or or or...
I give up. You've wasted too much of my time.
I give up. You've wasted too much of my time.
>>"NA is a bunch of addicts."
Thanks for bringing this up, Kyle. I didn't want to bring this up because I was(am) too ashamed but there's really no other way to put this than to just say it out loud...or in print as the case may be:
I have just finished up a year of probation (yaay!) that was more like a year and a half because my case didn't come up til 6 months after my "violation". Basically this means I haven't been allowed to drive in all that time and it has really sucked. The judge also assigned "classes" for me to attend and mandatory litter pickup off the side of the freeway for three 8 hour sessions to complete 24 full hours of trash pickup.
Well, due to a discrepancy with my probation officer I managed to weasel my way out of the litter pickup (yaay again!) and only have to attend 2 classes: a 12 hour (yes, I said TWELVE HOUR) "alcohol safety" class which amounted to nothing more than a bitter old woman with a nasty attitude collecting a mandatory $150 from each of us for the privilege and then napping in the next room as the rest of us sat through hours and hours of old, out of date, corny VHS video cassette tapes that told us what horrible people we are. *rolls eyes*
The last mandatory thing for me to do was to attend a MADD lecture that I finished up just 2 weeks ago RIGHT before my probation was up. We were all packed in like sardines so after collecting a mandatory $35 "donation" from each of us (funny how all of these classes require a mandatory fee, isn't it?) I sat closely with a small group of people who were discussing why they were there. The man to my right insisted it was because we were all drunks and repeat offenders and I responded that I was a first-timer and had a clean record up until now. The younger guy behind him piped up that he wasn't an alcoholic and would much rather take pain pills for recreation. At that moment a conversation started about prices on Lortab, where one can get the pills and how many. I stared at the card game I was playing on my phone and closed my eyes in frustration: I could NOT believe that the one place in town to "score" was at a meeting meant to preach to drunks and users!!
It would have been SO VERY easy to casually lean over and get the young man's phone number to give him a call when I was out of my Trams but I held back. The lecture started but didn't stop the men to my right and left from laughing about which bar to hook up at after we were "set free".
Now I know the key difference is that, in my situation, we were all forced to be there and also required to pay to attend, so the mindset was completely different than that of a "sober place". However, I also read a novel recently about a cop who was looking for a dealer and he hit up an AA or NA meeting to hit up a contact since "those meetings are always great places to score". Yes, I realize that was a BOOK and fiction at that but it makes me wonder - is it all true? DO people, in fact, go to meetings to score? Seems natural since that's where all the junkies are - what better a place than a dealer to go, right?
Those of you who have gone to the meetings - is this true? Or is it exaggerated?
Thanks for bringing this up, Kyle. I didn't want to bring this up because I was(am) too ashamed but there's really no other way to put this than to just say it out loud...or in print as the case may be:
I have just finished up a year of probation (yaay!) that was more like a year and a half because my case didn't come up til 6 months after my "violation". Basically this means I haven't been allowed to drive in all that time and it has really sucked. The judge also assigned "classes" for me to attend and mandatory litter pickup off the side of the freeway for three 8 hour sessions to complete 24 full hours of trash pickup.
Well, due to a discrepancy with my probation officer I managed to weasel my way out of the litter pickup (yaay again!) and only have to attend 2 classes: a 12 hour (yes, I said TWELVE HOUR) "alcohol safety" class which amounted to nothing more than a bitter old woman with a nasty attitude collecting a mandatory $150 from each of us for the privilege and then napping in the next room as the rest of us sat through hours and hours of old, out of date, corny VHS video cassette tapes that told us what horrible people we are. *rolls eyes*
The last mandatory thing for me to do was to attend a MADD lecture that I finished up just 2 weeks ago RIGHT before my probation was up. We were all packed in like sardines so after collecting a mandatory $35 "donation" from each of us (funny how all of these classes require a mandatory fee, isn't it?) I sat closely with a small group of people who were discussing why they were there. The man to my right insisted it was because we were all drunks and repeat offenders and I responded that I was a first-timer and had a clean record up until now. The younger guy behind him piped up that he wasn't an alcoholic and would much rather take pain pills for recreation. At that moment a conversation started about prices on Lortab, where one can get the pills and how many. I stared at the card game I was playing on my phone and closed my eyes in frustration: I could NOT believe that the one place in town to "score" was at a meeting meant to preach to drunks and users!!
It would have been SO VERY easy to casually lean over and get the young man's phone number to give him a call when I was out of my Trams but I held back. The lecture started but didn't stop the men to my right and left from laughing about which bar to hook up at after we were "set free".
Now I know the key difference is that, in my situation, we were all forced to be there and also required to pay to attend, so the mindset was completely different than that of a "sober place". However, I also read a novel recently about a cop who was looking for a dealer and he hit up an AA or NA meeting to hit up a contact since "those meetings are always great places to score". Yes, I realize that was a BOOK and fiction at that but it makes me wonder - is it all true? DO people, in fact, go to meetings to score? Seems natural since that's where all the junkies are - what better a place than a dealer to go, right?
Those of you who have gone to the meetings - is this true? Or is it exaggerated?
NA is a bunch of addicts. Different DOCs, different amounts of time using. Attorneys, doctors, contractors, street people. You go and listen. You don't have to talk, and if you find yourself in a group that you're not comfortable with, you move on. Eventually you find a group you like and then you find a sponsor. Someone who is also a recovering addict that is there for you, 24/7. Aftercare is a must.
Oh I am sorry. The author is Jack Trimpey. These books helped me in so many ways. They even helped me to deal with cravings and I still employ the information to this day.
Since you are not interested in 12 step recovery I would suggest 2 books for you. One is "rational recovery" the other is "the small book". I would get rational recovery first and read it. I agree with you that one size does not fit all in recovery. You need a social outlet in addition to these books and this technique. You could find that outlet in any number of places.
Great that you are deciding to start your taper. Why wait a week and just start on Monday? We always want to schedule these things for the future but the best time to start is always now. I never quit until the bs of the hunt was just killing any enjoyment that I got out of it. I am sensing that is what is happening with you. We are here and happy you are making this decision. Life will be easier when you are off and have a month behind you. Believe me.
Great that you are deciding to start your taper. Why wait a week and just start on Monday? We always want to schedule these things for the future but the best time to start is always now. I never quit until the bs of the hunt was just killing any enjoyment that I got out of it. I am sensing that is what is happening with you. We are here and happy you are making this decision. Life will be easier when you are off and have a month behind you. Believe me.
>>"I have made it this far because I cut all my sources. I told my secret. I got aftercare."
Not sure if I mentioned this before but the only source I have is internet pharmacies and the occasional ER visit. The hospitals are getting wise to me and have me flagged so that option is shaky at best. The only other way for me to get access is to wait on some overseas site to take their sweet time in shipping the stuff to me and even then the cost is usually out of my budget.
No family members take it and "dealers" in this town don't stock Tramadol - they only have the stronger stuff that I'm not interested in.
Make no mistake that this is still very embarrassing and shameful for me to admit so I resist the idea of telling friends and anyone who isn't an immediate family member. I'm toying with the idea of AA or NA but hubby has been to those meetings before and he's told me that they will push the 12 Steps on me, which I do NOT approve of. I vehemently disagree that I have "no control" over my own life and am a slave to my "disease" and am disgusted that such an organization would take advantage of sick people by telling them such. I will not be handing myself over to a "greater power" so will need every ounce of power I can find within *myself* to beat this.
Can someone please explain in a bit more detail what "after care" is?
Not sure if I mentioned this before but the only source I have is internet pharmacies and the occasional ER visit. The hospitals are getting wise to me and have me flagged so that option is shaky at best. The only other way for me to get access is to wait on some overseas site to take their sweet time in shipping the stuff to me and even then the cost is usually out of my budget.
No family members take it and "dealers" in this town don't stock Tramadol - they only have the stronger stuff that I'm not interested in.
Make no mistake that this is still very embarrassing and shameful for me to admit so I resist the idea of telling friends and anyone who isn't an immediate family member. I'm toying with the idea of AA or NA but hubby has been to those meetings before and he's told me that they will push the 12 Steps on me, which I do NOT approve of. I vehemently disagree that I have "no control" over my own life and am a slave to my "disease" and am disgusted that such an organization would take advantage of sick people by telling them such. I will not be handing myself over to a "greater power" so will need every ounce of power I can find within *myself* to beat this.
Can someone please explain in a bit more detail what "after care" is?
I felt the same way. I didn't realize how bad I was Til I quit. I would start on a project that was very important and find myself spending hours doing something not related to the project. And sometimes I Internet shopped (bad idea). Had a lot of debt to pay off. Finally did. You'll have ups and downs, but definitely more aware and also emotions are a great thing. There were times when is be do consumed in what I was doing, I'd tell the kids to "hold on a min", but, now, I put everything down and go have a laugh w them. :)
Before you search for a hobby you should consider (if you haven't already) coming up with a plan to stay clean. As you taper, especially near the end of the taper, you will find that your head will start talking to you non stop, ie, is this really necessary; am I really an addict; just one won't hurt; I have a big family function so I need meds to be myself. At that point if you have meds, or access to meds, the odds of you relapsing are very high. Many of us have made it through the physical hell of detox - think we've beaten the addiction - only to use again months later because we did nothing to support our hard won sobriety. I failed for over 15 years. I'm 16 months clean. I have made it this far because I cut all my sources. I told my secret. I got aftercare.
All of us approach life as well as addiction differently. Those three steps worked for me. I wish you nothing but success.
All of us approach life as well as addiction differently. Those three steps worked for me. I wish you nothing but success.
Thanks, ariley.
My decision to quit was inevitable - I knew I would come around eventually. It's just that, stubborn as I am, I had to do it on my own terms and on my own conditions. It's a possibility that I change my mind once the going gets really tough but there's no way to know until I give it a shot.
Unfortunately, no, there is nothing I've ever thought "I'd like to try that". I'm pretty boring, lol, and don't really do anything but cook for and clean up after my kids. That's my everyday life and it never changes, 24/7, including holidays and weekends. I secretly loathe my FB friends posting "TGIF!" when I'm all, "It's Friday? What difference does it make? Just like all the other days of the week to me." Hubby works full time and I watch the boys - that's my full time job. There's really just not a lot of extra time (or money for that matter) to run off pursuing some new hobby.
I do like to read but I do that every night as it is and I SWEAR every time I pick up the Kindle and choose a novel, no matter or exciting or riveting it is, it puts me to sleep EVERY TIME! Heck, just an hour ago our internet was down so I caught up on a couple of chapters of some murder mystery and before I knew it I had fallen asleep for half an hour, lol!
Are you talking about scrapbooking, laurel? Ha! I've tried that once upon a time and didn't have the patience. It requires a LOT of cutting, pasting, moving things around...even when I was a little girl I hated things that were tiny and detailed. They always made me frustrated. Gardening? I don't have any land to garden plus that means being outdoors - blech!
My personality is laid back and admittedly kinda lazy so the physical stuff has never appealed to me. However, I AM a very social person and love meeting new friends so maybe putting myself in some sort of socializing situation might be good for my soul.
Oh! And then there's always the AA meetings you all are talking about. The alcoholics aren't a lot different than me and maybe I can hook up with a "sponsor". You think that would work? They don't really have NA meetings around me but there is an AA spot just a couple blocks down the road from my place.
My decision to quit was inevitable - I knew I would come around eventually. It's just that, stubborn as I am, I had to do it on my own terms and on my own conditions. It's a possibility that I change my mind once the going gets really tough but there's no way to know until I give it a shot.
Unfortunately, no, there is nothing I've ever thought "I'd like to try that". I'm pretty boring, lol, and don't really do anything but cook for and clean up after my kids. That's my everyday life and it never changes, 24/7, including holidays and weekends. I secretly loathe my FB friends posting "TGIF!" when I'm all, "It's Friday? What difference does it make? Just like all the other days of the week to me." Hubby works full time and I watch the boys - that's my full time job. There's really just not a lot of extra time (or money for that matter) to run off pursuing some new hobby.
I do like to read but I do that every night as it is and I SWEAR every time I pick up the Kindle and choose a novel, no matter or exciting or riveting it is, it puts me to sleep EVERY TIME! Heck, just an hour ago our internet was down so I caught up on a couple of chapters of some murder mystery and before I knew it I had fallen asleep for half an hour, lol!
Are you talking about scrapbooking, laurel? Ha! I've tried that once upon a time and didn't have the patience. It requires a LOT of cutting, pasting, moving things around...even when I was a little girl I hated things that were tiny and detailed. They always made me frustrated. Gardening? I don't have any land to garden plus that means being outdoors - blech!
My personality is laid back and admittedly kinda lazy so the physical stuff has never appealed to me. However, I AM a very social person and love meeting new friends so maybe putting myself in some sort of socializing situation might be good for my soul.
Oh! And then there's always the AA meetings you all are talking about. The alcoholics aren't a lot different than me and maybe I can hook up with a "sponsor". You think that would work? They don't really have NA meetings around me but there is an AA spot just a couple blocks down the road from my place.
how do you call those albums of pics decorated with a lot of ornaments ? there are a lot of pages dedicated to this hobby... you don't need a lot of preparations, study or whatever... just a good pic of your daughter, small pieces of fabric, bottoms, crayons... your imagination and that's all.... gardening, cooking..easy stuff that can keep your mind busy :)
I'm glad to hear that you had a change of heart. I wish you luck on your taper. Please keep us updated, we are here for you! And start looking for that hobby. Is there anything that you've ever thought 'hey maybe I'd like to try that'? Even if you try 50 different things before something sticks your still keeping busy! Hang in there girl! :)
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Glad to hear you have a plan in place and you did some soul searching!!! Way to go hon!!
The NA/AA meetings MAY be a bit weird for you...I honestly don't know enough about them, so hopefully someone else will chime in, but I DO believe there is a good deal of it that's faith based. I know that's not something you are into...so it may not be for you. I think it wouldn't hurt to try...take out of it what you can and leave the rest. It's recommended to try a meeting site for at least 5-6 times before deciding it isn't for you. Just don't rule anything out til you give it a fair shake.
You're definitely going in the right direction sweetie...I'm proud of you!! You can retire your superhero cape, okay? Or at least, pack it away for a spell! ;0)
Anxious to watch your progress.
XOXO