Crying

[littlebit667]

Did great for most of the day...stayed busy, took care of business, etc.  About 4 pm..I crashed and burned..well not right then...took me 3 hours to do that, but the road was rocky getting there.  I fight crying as I can't breathe and it scares me.  So I called my hubby (hard on him, he hates it and does not know what to do) but, I had to have him by me.  He held my hand as the tears ran for 10 minutes.  The rain has cleared from my brain...trying to hold on and remember this will pass and the end is so worth it.  I managed to breathe and not choke....and am the better for it.  
I have to remember that the pills kept me from REALLY feeling and I am paying the price now.  I need to feel, grieve for the things I let fester while I was not really caring..and give me time to heal.  I hid as long as I could and now I have to deal with the results.  I will do this, I will!

[bama88]

True friends will support you. they want us healthy. you might open that conversation like    
"im feeling under the weather because i am in pain and stopped some of my meds. and according to my doctor it will take time to feel better". that way your not coming out and stating your addicted most people are educated to a couple degree about pain pills. and know they make us feel a bit off balanced. its a personal choice tho. i know the fear of being judged. but again most true friends want us healthy. they will support you. i told a very close friend of mine. she completely got it. she never judged. she prays for my recovery and health. that's a true friend. they are there thick and thin.

[minn66]

I understand about not telling your best friend. I have three dear friends I have known since childhood. One, the friend I go to NA with, knows. The other two don't. In my heart I know they love me as I love them, yet I don't think they would understand. I think one of them might actually, because she was very conflicted about being gay and confided in me. I already knew anyway and it didn't affect how I feel about her, which leads me to my next point. Our friends know us almost better than we do ourselves, so they probably already realize something is wrong or different. They just can't pinpoint it and may even think it is them. So, I have been battling with myself about telling my other two friends. I think I will feel better, and so will they, if I do. Right now I'm just still a chicken.

[littlebit667]

Bama...you made me smile again!  Love ya, babe!  All of your pain and you are still so comforting.  I did get out Wed. for an hour or so to my hangout coffeeshop, but did not interact much (we have a bunch of talkers there) and took my hubby to the library, drugstore and copy store.  Was home by 2:30 and slept most of the day.  My RLS is being a bear and kicking my butt.  I am taking my meds, but it can't seem to get ahead of the RLS this time around.  Tomorrow is grocery store day so I will be out and about for awhile.  I turned my best girtfriend down on a shopping trip, just could not get it together to see her.  I have not told her about the addiction and not sure I will ever be able to.  She is so even and with it (even with the loss of her husband of 37 years last May) and I am not sure she would ever be able to understand.  Maybe someday.  It bothers me I have not been able to share with her.  We have been friends for over 40 years.  

[bama88]

When is the last time you got out of the house?? what have you been doing lately?? im just worried about you. im here if you want to talk.

[bama88]

Oh littlebit i can so relate ....the emotional rollercoaster and my heart goes out to you. id love to give you a hug and tell you this will pass. sometimes we suppress our feelings and bury them d deep down. we wanted to escape from the pain we running from. and when the brain resets all your chemicals. we feel so intently . Everything floods you at one. and sentimental and security issues can arise. its a phase thru recovery.i cried for a week once. admitting everything to my husband. it was intense. but this will pass. just when you think your out of the woods you hit mud. just let your emotions go. your cleansing your heart too. that was the moment it sunk in how vulnerable we are in the beginning. but it will pass. just accept who you are and want to be....hugs

[littlebit667]

thanks Bkitty and Sean.  You helped so much.  I talked to my daughter after she finished teaching her yoga class and she said the same thing.  The emotions scare me,  but I gotta take them one at a time til I figure it out.

[Bkitty]

(((Hugs))) :(( All those emotions flooding in can be overwhelming. We just have to feel it and deal it. Which you are doing. Crying is good,,it cleanses the soul. Hope you feel better ~Bkitty

PS: I remember the flood of emotions and I remember being told in aftercare that was a good sign,,because it meant I was not dead inside like I thought I was. That was "me" coming back.