End of the line~

[dominosarah]

My daughter called me this morning.  Asked if i had heard about the body they found on the shore in the town i live in.  I said no.  I am heading to DQ and i hear the name of the victim.  It was a former coworker of mine.  She was 38 and it was suicide.  I saw her about a month ago at my other job.  She came in with that smile she always had to show me her new tattoo and update me on her life.  She was doing so well.  Was in a relationship, was sober and working at a new job.  I dont know what happened from then till last night, all i know is her demons must of came back with a vengenance.  She fought addiction, was clean and then would relapse.  She could never really put any amount of time together but she was always honest with me.  I would tell her how proud of her i was and to always keep her Guard Up.  We always said see ya with a hug.  There wont be anymore hugs.  I always had to laugh as she was so much shorter than me.  She didnt stand 5'0 with heels on, i am 5'8!!

My emotions are all over the place right now.  I should of seen this, i should of done this and i should of done that.  Am i so wrapped up in my own life that i cant see into someone else's?  I am pretty good at reading people, how did i so badly fail at this one.

My point in this tragedy is for everyone to talk talk TALK.  I dont care what it is that is bothering you, please reach out.  We all have value and are important.  I dont want anyone to feel this despair, there is a way out and talking about things is a start.

RIP my friend, may you soar with the eagles~

[ricart70]

Sorry Sarah. Don't blame yourself. She could have been fine a month ago and then something happened.  Things happen quickly with us lots of times.
Sorry about your friend.  

[Dane74]

WOW!!!!! What the hell is going on with all of this?  I have never experienced suicide with anyone until recently one being Bkitty's attempt, and of course what we all hear on the media, and for some reason it just hits my core.  I am not sure why, maybe because i know how dark places can get and fast, and it is very scary.  Please Sara do not blame yourself, as you are very well aware  us addicts are really good at hiding our emotions and i cant speak for others but for me, one day i feel normal and the next day i am so bad, and its so dark, so really its not easy for anyone to really see the signs of this unless they are very close to them.  Very sorry, i cant imagine how much this is impacting you, as she was your friend , i am just a stranger and it hurts. Another reminder that its FINAL........ There is no turning back or second chance.  Thank you for sharing.

[kyle505]

So sorry. Even thought I know you really aren't blaming yourself, I do believe that addicts tend to try and take on the weight of the world sometimes. It could be our world, or someone else's, but we want to make everything right, and if we can't or if we miss something, then we willingly try and take the blame. I don't know...Anyway, my thought are with you.
K

[ariley13]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very sad reality of addiction. Please don't play the blame game with yourself. It sounds like you were a good friend to this girl. I'm sure you were there to share your wisdom with her. Please take care of yourself.

[FourJays]

Oh Sarah, what a tragic story.  Please don't blame yourself in any way.  You were a positive in her life; this is evident in that she wanted to share the GOOD things with you.  A lot can happen in a very short time; there is no way you could have known.  I am very sorry for your loss.

[dominosarah]

Thank you all for you comments.  I am heading to work now so that will help clear my head a bit.  Talk later~

[Jade59]

Sara, there is nothing you could of done to prevent this.  When someone is serious about suicide, they will hide it from the world.  Even seem happy; feel at peace, as they have 'made up their mind'.  Or maybe she did it in the moment.  Like FJays said, a lot can happen in a very short time.  You've read my journals enough to know me by now, and if I truly had my mind made up, I wouldn't want anyone to stop me, and would not reach out to a soul.  You were a great friend to Nita, and I know she appreciated your love, support and friendship. Just please know you did all you could.  Hugs my friend~

[ricart70]

This is also a very sad reality of depression.  Sorry Sarah

[toothfairie]

So sorry for the loss of your friend Sarah....my prayers are with you and her family...so much sadness

[VICourageous]

So Sorry to hear this Sarah. Sometimes even the best of the best can not see this coming. I know for me this hit home right now..I too have been fighting a few of theses demons in my life and I know I need to talk..Can not do it alone..Please do not be hard on your self.
Bless

[waterLilly7]

So sorry to hear this Sarah.
Sometimes there is no way of telling. I had a very close friend commit suicide, and this is the way I felt, only we were very close. He showed no signs, so you see sometimes you just can't tell, so don't think you should have done this or that. If someone doesn't reach out there is nothing we can do.

hugs,
Lily

[Brightfutureahead]

Good thing you have lots of 'tools' in place to help you get through this emotionally, spiritually, etc. (Not to say it isn't difficult!!) you hit the nail on the head..keeping your emotions inside often leads to a lonely, dark path...so good message!  

[addict3]

I don't think you are so wrapped up in your own life that you can't see to help others. I don't think I know anyone who helps others as well as you.

There is no way to know what was going on in that ladies world that would lead her to take her life. You reached out to her and you talked to her it sounds like to me you put forth a great effort to help.

It is unfortunate that she could not help herself but you know you cannot hold any responsibility for that.

It is always hard on us when we loose a friend or someone we know or are concerned about, most of the time it is completely out of our hands.

I agree that talking is good therapy, That's why this site has been a lifesaver for so many. I'm sorry about your friend. I sure hope you will feel better soon. Guard up!

[meegWpaw]

Sarah so sorry to hear about this.  it sounds like you were definitely there for her and did all you could to try and reach out to her.  you are a good person and so strong, im sure you provided much support to her in the times you saw her.  ty for sharing the important message of getting our feelings out.  very sorry about your loss  --meegy

[10356]

Oh Sara.. I'm so sorry to read this, my heart just breaks for you for the questions you ask and the doubt you have in yourself.. It was not a failing on your part. I know these questions as you know my lil brother committed suicide, there is nothing you could have done different then what you did and what you did do was a lot.. You know if the hug meant something to you it did too her, you know this in your heart. So in her life You were a comfort.. This is what a friend is someone we can be honest with and someone we feel comfort from.. Her pain was more then you could fix. You are a Good solid person Sara. So do not even doubt that. Suicide does nothing but leave pain and questions, questions that can not be answered..  again I'm so very sorry my friend and send my condolences to all who love her. love with warm hugs, lesa

[dominosarah]

All of your comments have really helped me tonight.  I know i am not responsible for her but it still feels rotten.  The thing that bothers me is she was all alone and it must of been so dark in her world.  I was a good friend to her as i always took the time to listen.  She was a free spirit and that is what i loved about her.  She wasnt afraid to be just who she was.  I was the one who got to train her and my biggest concern at that time was not stepping on her!!  She was so short!!  I always gave her the toes to toes nose to nose saying!!!  She would always just crack up!  Please keep her family in your prayers~

[nursegirl6572]

I'm so sorry Sarah.  You're in my thoughts. It'\s so hard!!

[atthebeach]

Sara you were her  friend, coworker, an ear, a hug, she knew she could count on you. She  was blessed to have you in her life.
She has a place in your heart.
Hugs, comfort and peace my friend

[Overwhelmed10]

I'm so sorry to hear this Sara.  Se was lucky to have had you as a friend.  Sending thoughts and prayers.

[akitagurl12]

I am really sorry too.  That is very sad.  You gave excellent advice, let us all promise to reach out and talk BEFORE we make a permanent decision for a temporary problem/state of mind.  There is always hope, even when it doesn't feel like it.  

[weaver71]

Really sorry Sarah. You know how fast it can happen, she may have been fine until her last few hours. You lived an example, you did all you could have. I really feel for you and those who knew her.

[dominosarah]

Just had a phone call from one of my coworkers who i am very close to at my other job.  Her daughter was murdered yesterday by the husband who then took his own life.  They were 47.  Both of them had trouble with drugs and alcohol.  Please PLEASE i beg all of you to check yourselves at the door.  This could be anyone of us~

[laurel453]

this is heartbreaking... i am so sorry for you friend, sarah and for your coworker, poor daughter !!

[dominosarah]

It's so scary laurel as to how fast the insanity switch is turned on.  The husband had been drinking and the situation escalated into 2 deaths.  I am in total shock over this.  When she called and told me this i couldnt even speak.  I am so grateful for my sobriety.......