Feeling Sad

[justme1119]

I am clean almost 18 months of Narco 10s and Methadone, my last Narco being taken end of 2013.  I've gone through rehab, aftercare, and the first 10 steps of NA.  Still have a sponsor.  I'm just so stuck.  Feeling like there is no way out of my problems.  It's so complicated.  I get tired of talking about it. I keep hearing that you must choose to be happy, and that no one can make you sad, mad, etc.  But I have been unsuccessful at choosing to be happy.  I suppose I can get there for an hour or so at a time, but it doesn't last very long.  There are so many differing opinions on medication for depression.  I have been on Wellbutrin 150 mg. a day for probably 12 years.  I originally took them for Migraines.  And then I was prescribed Trazadone 150 mg./night, which I also understand now is a form or antidepressant.  I really don't want any more antidepressant, or I might be completely numb to any feelings.  My major issues are 1. Pain. (have done and am doing EVERYTHING possible to help with this)  2. A 32 yr marriage that leaves me lonely and unfulfilled.  Probably married to someone with Vulnerable Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  3. I can't work or do much of anything without making my pain worse, so I sit at home on the computer and TV and get fatter by the day.
4.Can't leave or start over because I'll never have health insurance unless I decide to work full time, which I can not
do.  So I feel stuck and very sad.  

[jaztulip]

I know the feeling of just getting sad and depressed and feeling like there is no way out of it.  

I can tell you though that there really are ways, life is full of things to be thankful for. I know you heard the whole "choose to be happy", which is in a sense true but there has to be fulfillment as well. Maybe just small little goals to start just to inch towards something more.  Perhaps a new doctor just to see if there are any other options (and make sure the doctor understands your situation so they can evaluate best course of action).

Honestly, I know a lot of people are hesitant to do it but a good psychologist can also be very helpful (at least it was for me when I quit and it helped me just see a different perspective on things that I never did when I was on methadone / heroin since I became so accustomed to using that to "fix" my problems).

[jlannspr]

Hello. Let's take small steps here, as addicts and recovering addicts we think we should be able t conquer the world in a day. In your case, in a short 18 months, you feel your marriage, health, depression and aftercare should be conquered. That can't be possible. You have take a huge step to kick the pain pills, please don't go back down that road and add those back into the mix.

I can't give you advice on depression meds, but would a change of doctor be a solution? I work in the healthcare field and have found that different providers can provider different and innovative types of care.

Also, simple movement or walking outside really needs to be happening. Any kind of exercise or interaction. Now, the exercise doesn't work overnight, it takes the endorphins time to amp up, but that is critical in getting your heath back.

Rather you know it or not your clean time is an inspiration.