Aa
Finally joined, 14 months clean!
Hello all,
It is weird that I am posting for the first time on this forum, because I have been lurking for YEARS! I feel like I already know a lot of you. I don't have anything to ask, really, but I have been feeling guilty for using this site as a support in my recovery, and not giving anything back. This forum helped me through my darkest days, when I was deep in my addiction, hiding it, wishing I was dead. I have been clean and sober for 14 months today, and it is in no small part because of all of you and the help that you give to people when they come here in desperation or to celebrate their victories with you.
My story is long and multi faceted (lol), so I will give you the Reader's Digest version. I got addicted to pain pills after I had a lumbar fusion surgery (car accident). I took them as prescribed for awhile, but eventually I just took more and more, started buying them on the street, lying to my husband, conning my dr (and myself) into believing I needed more. I had two drs giving me scripts the last year or so of my use. Morphine and hydro 10s from one, and another 240 hydro 10s from another. I had all kinds of treatments on my back, nothing worked, of course, I would have had to stop taking the pills. I stole a couple checks from my husband (after I had my financial privileges revoked, after 1st confession of use), I got a title loan, pawned things, ect. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame, but am working through that. Lol. So things were already falling apart at my house, due to my insanity. I decided what was the harm in having a drink or two? Then, I couldn't get pills one day, and thought drinking would keep me from being sick. Soon, I am taking pills, and drinking everyday, DURING THE DAY. The last couple months of my addiction is very fuzzy, I had blackouts, I still don't remember much. So, my husband took me to the hospital because he thought I was going to die, having found me passed out. He gave me the option to go to treatment, or move out and keep using. He told our families, I was humiliated, ect. I went through the first two days of withdrawl at home, then went to inpatient. I still remember how sick I was so vividly, I honestly think it was so bad because I was w/d from alcohol AND opiates. Anyway, I thought it was the end of the world, but it turned to be the best thing that has ever happened. I went to outpatient when I got home, actually just getting done there next week. I stayed as long as possible, my insurance covered it, and I feel like the longer I am immersed in treatment, the better chance I have. I go to meetings, too. I have recently been asked to head the alumni association at my treatment center, so I will continue to have a process group once a week. Stoked that that people can depend on me again. I don't have to hide anymore, and there is something so freeing about honesty. I am still struggling with the steps, because I am looking for a new sponsor, we just didn't click. I am a better person today than I ever was, I look at everything differently, and I am so grateful that I get to be with my family, because I was this close to losing them.
Sometimes, I need some recovery stories. I watch a lot of Intervention (and the like), I read my Big Book, or NA book, or I come here. I have spent hours just reading, and it centers me and reminds me where I have been and where I could easily be again if I'm not diligent. Thank you all for my recovery, you are amazing. Sorry if I sound all preachy, I just know what is working for me, and I agree that aftercare is so important. And secrets really do keep us sick. Sorry this is such a novel, I guess I was saving up! Lol
Allison
It is weird that I am posting for the first time on this forum, because I have been lurking for YEARS! I feel like I already know a lot of you. I don't have anything to ask, really, but I have been feeling guilty for using this site as a support in my recovery, and not giving anything back. This forum helped me through my darkest days, when I was deep in my addiction, hiding it, wishing I was dead. I have been clean and sober for 14 months today, and it is in no small part because of all of you and the help that you give to people when they come here in desperation or to celebrate their victories with you.
My story is long and multi faceted (lol), so I will give you the Reader's Digest version. I got addicted to pain pills after I had a lumbar fusion surgery (car accident). I took them as prescribed for awhile, but eventually I just took more and more, started buying them on the street, lying to my husband, conning my dr (and myself) into believing I needed more. I had two drs giving me scripts the last year or so of my use. Morphine and hydro 10s from one, and another 240 hydro 10s from another. I had all kinds of treatments on my back, nothing worked, of course, I would have had to stop taking the pills. I stole a couple checks from my husband (after I had my financial privileges revoked, after 1st confession of use), I got a title loan, pawned things, ect. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame, but am working through that. Lol. So things were already falling apart at my house, due to my insanity. I decided what was the harm in having a drink or two? Then, I couldn't get pills one day, and thought drinking would keep me from being sick. Soon, I am taking pills, and drinking everyday, DURING THE DAY. The last couple months of my addiction is very fuzzy, I had blackouts, I still don't remember much. So, my husband took me to the hospital because he thought I was going to die, having found me passed out. He gave me the option to go to treatment, or move out and keep using. He told our families, I was humiliated, ect. I went through the first two days of withdrawl at home, then went to inpatient. I still remember how sick I was so vividly, I honestly think it was so bad because I was w/d from alcohol AND opiates. Anyway, I thought it was the end of the world, but it turned to be the best thing that has ever happened. I went to outpatient when I got home, actually just getting done there next week. I stayed as long as possible, my insurance covered it, and I feel like the longer I am immersed in treatment, the better chance I have. I go to meetings, too. I have recently been asked to head the alumni association at my treatment center, so I will continue to have a process group once a week. Stoked that that people can depend on me again. I don't have to hide anymore, and there is something so freeing about honesty. I am still struggling with the steps, because I am looking for a new sponsor, we just didn't click. I am a better person today than I ever was, I look at everything differently, and I am so grateful that I get to be with my family, because I was this close to losing them.
Sometimes, I need some recovery stories. I watch a lot of Intervention (and the like), I read my Big Book, or NA book, or I come here. I have spent hours just reading, and it centers me and reminds me where I have been and where I could easily be again if I'm not diligent. Thank you all for my recovery, you are amazing. Sorry if I sound all preachy, I just know what is working for me, and I agree that aftercare is so important. And secrets really do keep us sick. Sorry this is such a novel, I guess I was saving up! Lol
Allison
Best Answer
what a great story I could feel your honesty in your post and your happiness I love it Thank you and I agree with Sarah No More lurking Please keep posting :) Congrats on your clean time and taking your life back! :)))
As far as my pain goes, I take Tylenol or Advil most days, and it actually works! I remember going to treatment and being so focused on how I was going to deal with my PAIN, still convinced I just needed a different narcotic, the patch, ect. When the counselor said things like "non-narcotic" medications, I thought, what an idiot. He obviously doesn't understand the unbearable pain I am in. Hated him. I was in tremendous pain while in treatment, but I took the Tylenol, cause anything was better than nothing. As time has gone on, my pain has significantly decreased. I am still in pain, I use heat and ice, and I hope for the best. I actually just made my first dr appt since my last humiliating experience, just for a check up. I have been avoiding it for over a year, and it is time to bite the bullet. I have to say, I am super careful now not to hurt myself, cause I am terrified I will blow out a knee or break something, and I don't want to wake the beast by exposing myself to narcotics at this point.
Just want to thank you for sharing your inspiring story! I hope you were able find some good ways to manage your pain through all that. I just recently stopped my meds and use this site daily just to check in, read and keep focused on staying clean. SO happy for you! Keep it going.
Very cool story Allison! Congrats on your clean time!
Bryan
Bryan
I meant sometimes I feel fortunate to be an addict (other times not so much)! Lol
It is ironic that the absolute worst happened, being exposed as the hot mess I had become, and gasp! rehab, and now I feel so lucky. I have come out so much stronger than ever before. At times, I feel fortunate (other times not so much) that I have learned so much and changed my thoughts and feelings about things. I used to think "people don't change", but now I know that they really can. I know a lot of "normies" that are totally miserable, and they may never know how to change that.
Aww, thanks guys! Glad to be here, and help if I can. I am no authority on anything, by any means, but if anyone can benefit from my experience in h*ll, I am here to share it:)
Hi Allison
Thanks so much for sharing your story. You really have been through hell and back. I am sure you will inspire others and hope you stick around.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. You really have been through hell and back. I am sure you will inspire others and hope you stick around.
Wow, what a story. I think a lot of us lurked before we leapt into actually posting!!! I'm so happy that you did; your story is going to help many, many people at all stages from denial to detox/withdrawal to recovery. Thanks so much, you are truly an inspiration!
Julie
Julie
Congrats !! Way to turn a negative situation into a positive. This site has helped me so much too by being able to post questions and also by being able to help people by posting words of encouragement. Please keep posting your story is so up lifting. WAY TO GO!!!
Welcome and no more lurking lol. I am so proud of you....your story is so close to mine. oh how I can relate to the finacial priv. being revoked. I still only carry around twenty bucks. lol. because I don't want any temptations. I wish I had your clean time. should have but...well that's another story. I'm so glad your proactive in your recovery. I am in Aa and na. I found an awsome group of women who embraced me the moment I walked thru the doors. it was like coming home. sponcered up and well.. seven months clean. it works if you work it. please stick around. we need you.
Congratulations on getting your life back. Thank you for posting and telling us about you. We love to hear when those bond by addiction have been set free.
You will be an awesome head to the alumni association.
Yes honesty does set you free. It really is the best policy.
Continued blessings to you,
Debbie
You will be an awesome head to the alumni association.
Yes honesty does set you free. It really is the best policy.
Continued blessings to you,
Debbie
Wow...what a great story to read. You have A LOT to offer here...especially to those new to it like me.
Hope you stay and keep sharing your knowledge and experiences!
Congrats on 14 months!
Hope you stay and keep sharing your knowledge and experiences!
Congrats on 14 months!
Wow Allison, What a journey you've had. Isn't it funny how things that evoke humiliation and anger in us ending up being a hidden blessing. Congrats on 14 months and all your hard work. Please stick around, this forum needs you!!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Congrats on your clean time!! You are doing amazing! Please stick around, no more lurking!!!!
Thank you for the post and congrats on the fantastic clean time. I hope the new folks read this. You are an inspiration. Please stick around.
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So glad you shared some of your history w/us. I only have about half the clean time off opiates as you do and love to hear what is working for those that are STAYING clean and those that sound healthy to me.
I was in AA for many yrs prior to my medical issues that led me down the "hydro path" and worked the steps more than once, both in AA and AlAnon....they helped me SO much and are helping me again many yrs later....glad you are going to mtgs and recognized the need for a new sponsor. You'll find just the right one I'm sure of it! There are also a lot of tools/books/literature that have been written to help us as we work our steps. Maybe you can check them out and they'll help you w/your struggles. Thank you for finally posting and sharing......you know the paradox......in order to keep it......you have to give it away~
Blessings to you~