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Frustration Day 11
I just want to vent, maybe it will help my frustration. I am not doing so badly physically, but today the emotional is really messing with me. I AM SO FREAKING LONELY! I guess suboxone was like my lil buddy in my pocket.(don't worry, no cravings) All of my best friends live all over the country, and some in other countries. How do you meet people at my age with my issues? NA here is all the people I went to high school with and did drugs with, and a lot of them are still thugs, they just do it for probation reasons. Its just hard on me during the day when its just me and the puppy (he definitely knows Mommy isn't right!)I joined a chat room on here but it doesn't seem to be working. Idk, if I didn't have yäll's support and encouragement I wouldn't have made it this far, I wouldn't be back on subs but Id be on benzos most likely. So big hugs and big thanks! Im going to be hanging in here listening to music. XOXO CarrieAnne
Best Answer
Hi Sweetie..I am sorry no ne saw your post. It is a slow day today so be patient. Did you have any hobbies that you were into before pill addiction? Reading, watching old movies, doing jigsaw puzzles, walking the puppy at the park??? You need to get back to the old YOU. Hang in there. I promise it does get better.
PS-
Don't worry about the Trazadone. It is non-narcotic and an old drug that is fairly safe from what I know of it. Do whatever you can to sleep. Don't worry, you can't get addicted to it (:
Don't worry about the Trazadone. It is non-narcotic and an old drug that is fairly safe from what I know of it. Do whatever you can to sleep. Don't worry, you can't get addicted to it (:
Oh yeah I remember the awkwardness, and feeling like I didn't fit in my own skin. I also suffered from excessive sweating after detox...I've always been a sweaty pits girl, but after detox it was CRAZY! I remember going to a board meeting for the organization I volunteered for about 21 days in. I was SO freaked out that I spent HOURS preparing for something that these days I do as easily as breathing.
I totally thought everyone knew, and I felt like a huge freak. And I was also super honest with everyone so I told them all what I was doing (detoxing) Not a single person in that group ever knew I had a problem, and they were SO supportive of me. That was how I ended up being the head of the group at the Women's Centre for women who were addicts/abuse survivors. Once I began walking women into that meeting, telling my story time and again, and encouraging them to tell their stories-well- I've NEVER felt SO comfortable in my own skin.
There is this pride, peace, and comfort that comes from the struggle of detox and working recovery. No one can ever take it away from you.
CarrieAnne, you are doing awesome girl. And the idea to work with kids with autism is amazing as well. I volunteered with adults with developmental disabilities for awhile, and it was tremendously rewarding. I ended up being their yoga teacher for a time (:
I'm excited for you because you are at the beginning of your journey into a whole new life....And the sky is the limit baby!! You can reinvent yourself any way that you want. And when we live in love and accept ourselves fully, so does the Universe and all of the people in it (well maybe not all...But you will attract like minded folks)
Yay!
Lu
I totally thought everyone knew, and I felt like a huge freak. And I was also super honest with everyone so I told them all what I was doing (detoxing) Not a single person in that group ever knew I had a problem, and they were SO supportive of me. That was how I ended up being the head of the group at the Women's Centre for women who were addicts/abuse survivors. Once I began walking women into that meeting, telling my story time and again, and encouraging them to tell their stories-well- I've NEVER felt SO comfortable in my own skin.
There is this pride, peace, and comfort that comes from the struggle of detox and working recovery. No one can ever take it away from you.
CarrieAnne, you are doing awesome girl. And the idea to work with kids with autism is amazing as well. I volunteered with adults with developmental disabilities for awhile, and it was tremendously rewarding. I ended up being their yoga teacher for a time (:
I'm excited for you because you are at the beginning of your journey into a whole new life....And the sky is the limit baby!! You can reinvent yourself any way that you want. And when we live in love and accept ourselves fully, so does the Universe and all of the people in it (well maybe not all...But you will attract like minded folks)
Yay!
Lu
Haha, I'm always up for new cool friends! Mmm my DOC was oxy, and I was on them for stomach issues (crazy I know) which I'm still sorting out at the moment, keep getting knocked back which is a bit frustrating but what can you do. I was on 600mg +/- a bit per day at peak use and withdrawal was no fun at all (that's to be expected though in't it, haha). I think from memory it took me a couple of weeks until I could make it up the stairs without feeling like I'd run a marathon or something, long time with no sleep, climbing the walls and all that stuff that comes with it. Goodtimes :)
It sounds like you're doing really well for day eleven by the way Carrie, keep on keeping because you're keeping well from what it sounds like. I'd definitely second what BanMethadone said above about action being the way to go too. Action ( i.e real time) keeps you present while thoughts can sometimes keep us in the past or future more than required (psychological time)
It sounds like you're doing really well for day eleven by the way Carrie, keep on keeping because you're keeping well from what it sounds like. I'd definitely second what BanMethadone said above about action being the way to go too. Action ( i.e real time) keeps you present while thoughts can sometimes keep us in the past or future more than required (psychological time)
Hi Annie:
I don't know you, but I definitely know the feelings that come along with that time period post detox. I don't know that I would have described mine as loneliness exactly, but more like a huge void. It was as if I could barely connect with the world around me in any satisfying way. Even when I did get a glimmer of it, it was fleeting. It all comes back, but it does take work. I would not recommend staying tied to a computer or stuck indoors with your loneliness. I would recommend getting out and trying something that you've always wanted to do, that does NOT center around other people with your issues. It is good to join forums and some benefit from NA, but moving towards a clean life kind of means moving away from drugs and drug related things...for me anyway. That's not to say that there isn't always a place for medhelp or people who can relate, but just that you have to expand your circles and include other types of people and activities. It took a lot of work for me to shake off that hollow feeling sometimes, and sometimes it would last all day. When I got it, I would force myself into action. I really think action is the way to go. Be it walking, doing some task, exercising, or picking up a hobby. It's very hard to do when you feel like hell, I know that. I recall just walking and talking with a friend felt like it was so hard. I wanted to say to him "all of this is uncomfortable...it's making me uncomfortable...EVERYTHING is uncomfortable!" but I didn't. I just pretended it was ok, because I knew that it would be in time. I knew I just had to get through it, and looking back it seems pretty distant. I just don't experience those things anymore, and you won't either. It's been nearly 210 days for me I think. After 160 it was all gravy. Up to that point, the bad feelings decreased incrementally but definitely at a steady pace to where I knew, without a doubt I was healing. It feels good to be comfortable in my own skin and I will always describe withdrawal as being in an extreme state of comfort. It is a price that you pay, and really that you only need pay once. It's going to be ok, but you have to just be ok with things NOT being 100% for a while. Accept it as a part of the process, is my advice.
I don't know you, but I definitely know the feelings that come along with that time period post detox. I don't know that I would have described mine as loneliness exactly, but more like a huge void. It was as if I could barely connect with the world around me in any satisfying way. Even when I did get a glimmer of it, it was fleeting. It all comes back, but it does take work. I would not recommend staying tied to a computer or stuck indoors with your loneliness. I would recommend getting out and trying something that you've always wanted to do, that does NOT center around other people with your issues. It is good to join forums and some benefit from NA, but moving towards a clean life kind of means moving away from drugs and drug related things...for me anyway. That's not to say that there isn't always a place for medhelp or people who can relate, but just that you have to expand your circles and include other types of people and activities. It took a lot of work for me to shake off that hollow feeling sometimes, and sometimes it would last all day. When I got it, I would force myself into action. I really think action is the way to go. Be it walking, doing some task, exercising, or picking up a hobby. It's very hard to do when you feel like hell, I know that. I recall just walking and talking with a friend felt like it was so hard. I wanted to say to him "all of this is uncomfortable...it's making me uncomfortable...EVERYTHING is uncomfortable!" but I didn't. I just pretended it was ok, because I knew that it would be in time. I knew I just had to get through it, and looking back it seems pretty distant. I just don't experience those things anymore, and you won't either. It's been nearly 210 days for me I think. After 160 it was all gravy. Up to that point, the bad feelings decreased incrementally but definitely at a steady pace to where I knew, without a doubt I was healing. It feels good to be comfortable in my own skin and I will always describe withdrawal as being in an extreme state of comfort. It is a price that you pay, and really that you only need pay once. It's going to be ok, but you have to just be ok with things NOT being 100% for a while. Accept it as a part of the process, is my advice.
Thank you for the inspiring words! I would love to get into the local art scene once Im a little better, or volunteer with autistic children. I have a lot of self esteem/guilt issues Im working through, we all know that feeling that we are damaged and everyone that looks at us knows this. At least that's how I see things right now, but I know that will change! Hope you are well also, everyone on here is so amazing, it makes my heart full. xoxo CarrieAnne
I am in the Central time zone, and am up a lot at night and have a lot of time during the week, but will make time on weekends, we will get it together!
I have a lot of creative interests and its just the last 3 years Ive been numb to anything good or positive, but I am slowly feeling myself come back. This site and the people on it are invaluable and precious. I would not be at 11 days without you all. Fate and good Karma mustve brought me here, Everything happens for a reason! Take care of yourself as well. XOXOXO CarrieAnne
Annie that was a BEAUTIFUL post to Annie (: I couldn't have said it better myself.
To the new Annie whose post this is-
Try getting into some volunteer work. When I woke up out of my 6 year opiate haze I had lost nearly everything. I had my family, but no real friends to speak of, and I hadn't worked in over 6 years because of my chronic pain and illnesses. The first thing I did was find a good support group. I did SMART recovery. And as my using was a result of an abusive marriage that I'd recently escaped, I was eligible for free trauma counseling through the women's shelter. I spent a lot of time there and became a volunteer. It awoke a great passion in me, and I used my talents as an actor/writer/director to create a drama piece so that women who were recovering addicts and abuse survivors could tell their stories. It was a very healing process for all of us.
Think outside the box my dear. Spend some time doing a personal inventory and see what makes you feel excited, or what draws you out of your shell. Service to others in recovery is amazing as we've spent so much time centred on ourselves and our addictions. There is a whole big beautiful world out there, just waiting for you to discover it. And the world looks very different through clean eyes. Clarity is a beautiful thing.
I'm excited for you!!!
Lu
To the new Annie whose post this is-
Try getting into some volunteer work. When I woke up out of my 6 year opiate haze I had lost nearly everything. I had my family, but no real friends to speak of, and I hadn't worked in over 6 years because of my chronic pain and illnesses. The first thing I did was find a good support group. I did SMART recovery. And as my using was a result of an abusive marriage that I'd recently escaped, I was eligible for free trauma counseling through the women's shelter. I spent a lot of time there and became a volunteer. It awoke a great passion in me, and I used my talents as an actor/writer/director to create a drama piece so that women who were recovering addicts and abuse survivors could tell their stories. It was a very healing process for all of us.
Think outside the box my dear. Spend some time doing a personal inventory and see what makes you feel excited, or what draws you out of your shell. Service to others in recovery is amazing as we've spent so much time centred on ourselves and our addictions. There is a whole big beautiful world out there, just waiting for you to discover it. And the world looks very different through clean eyes. Clarity is a beautiful thing.
I'm excited for you!!!
Lu
You sound so much better!!! BTW, day 11 is amazing!!! You keep pushing forward lady and you'll look back and be glad you did. Hang around the forum..you are an inspiration to the members who are just starting out and for us old timers too. Everyone here keeps me clean no matter how much they have. Keep posting honey..it does help. Enjoy your day!!!!!
Anne :)
I'm very happy that my comment inspired you some. Thank you so much for sharing a bit about yourself & your situation. I usually have to get ready & go to work @ about noon & come home a little before 12:00 pm most nights. I'd be more than happy to PM w/ you. I'll make every effort to answer anything you might like to send when I get home or in the mornings. It sounds like we have a lot in common re: interests! :) (Yup, I felt it too;)
I loved this:
I have been getting my endorphins going, chocolate, exercise, sex, spicy food.
(Girl after my own heart. Work that dopamine & oxytocin!). :).
The people here will certainly help, as will I as much as possible but it will be you that will ultimately do it. Never forget that, warrior!
I'm very happy that my comment inspired you some. Thank you so much for sharing a bit about yourself & your situation. I usually have to get ready & go to work @ about noon & come home a little before 12:00 pm most nights. I'd be more than happy to PM w/ you. I'll make every effort to answer anything you might like to send when I get home or in the mornings. It sounds like we have a lot in common re: interests! :) (Yup, I felt it too;)
I loved this:
I have been getting my endorphins going, chocolate, exercise, sex, spicy food.
(Girl after my own heart. Work that dopamine & oxytocin!). :).
The people here will certainly help, as will I as much as possible but it will be you that will ultimately do it. Never forget that, warrior!
You have absolutely made my day, YOU get me!!!! If you weren't so busy Id ask you to be my mentor. My sub dr prescribed me a low dose of trazadone because I have severe panic and anxiety(this was b4 I got on pk's) I feel like I shouldn't take them but they are so helping me as I have a husband that works constantly and a 5 yr old to care for.The first 8 days I slept 15 or 20 minutes total, now Im at 4 or 5 with the trazadone. Ugh! I don't know what the right thing to do about that is. Moving on, I am an artist at heart and subs took it away, I make jewelry, I sculpt, draw , paint, craft, sew, whatever ,I can do it! So I am looking forward to getting some inspiration back, My daughter keeps me busy as well. I think you are totally right, people think they are going to feel as good as they did on subs or opiates and that's not going to happen, however, I have been getting my endorphins going, chocolate, exercise, sex, spicy food. I am going to make it especially with people like you behind me! Please keep in touch when you can, some people you just click with. XOXO CarrieAnne
Thank you for the kind words, I am already feeling better, guess I m going to go to meetings-Blech. Don't knock it til u try it I guess. I am the type of person that usually handles things by myself, due to past life experiences. So may I ask you what your DOC was and how your W/D went? It helps to hear others experiences. I hope you are doing very well and are happy and healthy, its awesome to meet new friends, especially cool ones like me! Ha Ha JUST Kidding! XOXO CarrieAnne
Hi there Anne & Welcome! (I haven't had a chance to do that yet :)
Congrats on Day 11 off Subs. (Well done, you!)
I'm not able to be around too much these days but I have the day off & when I read your post, it really resonated with me. I'm glad you're here, you're in the right place :)
The first thing I'd like to point out is that it's still early days. Subs & M'done in particular, bind super-tightly to receptor sites. Your body/mind is literally in trauma right now scrambling to adjust from the sudden change. We've done ourselves damage [in just about every area of our lives] & we need time to heal. It's a process & it takes time & work. I read that you're able to sleep & that is a really great sign! It tells me that you're one of the luckier ones & that your neural healing might be quicker than that of certain others (points finger @ self :). Give yourself a pat on the back for coming off now rather than later as it gets harder & harder the longer we stay on & the older we get.
Now, it seems that you've already sussed the real challenge (which, as rough as it is, isn't physical detox). You've 'awoken' & you're starting to see & feel things w/ a Clarity that's literally impossible on opiates. When we first stop, we're on an emotional roller coaster -- we tend to be all over the place. This slowly eases & then we're faced w/ the reality of all the things that we've been masking, avoiding & not working on in our lives. It sounds like this has come 'early' for you. We're like a patient that awakes from a coma only to discover that they no longer have the use of their muscles -- like a musician that hasn't practiced in decades, picks up their instrument & is shocked that what used to flow so naturally, is gone. In short, in a certain sense, we're stone beginners. It's not only that we have to relearn but to learn to see & do differently. The folks that I see who fall, often do b/c when faced with the onslaught of post-detox mental/emotional changes insist on comparing their energy levels & 'emotional ease' w/ that of their time on opiates. What they fail to understand is that that was never real & that the whole time, they were living a lie & letting life pass them by. You seem to have already realized this. That's great! Mindfulness (hey there fellow-Yoga/meditation enthusiast:) & no-holes-barred self-examination are key to protecting what you've accomplished thus far.
It is a very lonely feeling to wake up so unpleasantly & be 'human' again. One of the most insidious lies that I think dope tells us [& that we seem to believe in our country today] is that we should feel great all the time. That if you're unhappy, depressed, restless or whatever, there's something wrong w/ you. These are normal human feelings, they're generally there for a reason [so that we'll self-correct & become better, more contented people]. The thing is that they've been there all along, waiting to be dealt w/ beneath the deadening treacle of the Suboxone & whatever drug(s) came before. The constant influence of opiates/drugs stopped us from living & doing the work in our lives that we needed too. These are YOUR real feelings & it's okay to feel them. In fact, it's good to. Learning to sit in our skins is the heart of the matter. It's the art we must learn if we want to live without drugs. Think of it this way: @ least you're able to feel & see these things now! As painful as they might be, they will not kill you & they will pass. Please, know this! Just try to observe them & not struggle w/ them.
I too am a chick (older by 8 years) that woke up @ 47 to find herself in an unacceptable relationship (broke that off) w/ no real direction in life & friends that I could no longer associate with. It's been a painful, enlightening & @ times joyous 1 year & 11 mos. since I came off of almost 30 yrs. on Heroin & 20 off M'done. I'm now a work in progress & respect myself most of the time (whereas before, I was unable to as I increasingly knew that I was in avoidance mode re: everything about my use & my life). I'm now doing the work & it's bearing fruit. I still get lonely, etc. & there are lots of things I'd like to improve in my life but THAT IS life. I'm now able to accept it & deal with it as I never was able to before. Anyone who remains clean has had to build a new 'self' & develop new skills. It's a challenge & a revelation & it's well worth it.
Every thought, every action, every word -- everything we're doing @ the moment is shaping our future. You're doing that right now. So far, so good! The changes -- the painful realizations about our situations & ourselves -- they're challenges to be worked on going forwards. Let your imagination take flight. What are the positive things you enjoy doing? What would make you feel beautiful about yourself? Maybe you'll have to develop new healthy interests (which might in turn lead to meeting a whole new set of people). For now, if MH helps you, then use it for all it's worth! MH is all I had for quite some time & I will be forever grateful to some of the amazing folks here & for the site in general.
Stick w/ it, Anne. I know what you're facing, I understand. Others here do as well. You're not alone. I've discovered that we're much, much stronger than we've generally given ourselves credit for. This is your rebirth -- like your initial one, it's painful -- against all odds you made it through that long, dark tunnel & into the bright light, smells & sounds of the real world. A rude awakening, certainly, but one that offers you limitless possibilities. If you stick w/ it & do the work, you have it in you to make whatever you choose of your life. So, my girl, hold fast! You're on your way :)
We're here & we're pulling for you,
Annie
Congrats on Day 11 off Subs. (Well done, you!)
I'm not able to be around too much these days but I have the day off & when I read your post, it really resonated with me. I'm glad you're here, you're in the right place :)
The first thing I'd like to point out is that it's still early days. Subs & M'done in particular, bind super-tightly to receptor sites. Your body/mind is literally in trauma right now scrambling to adjust from the sudden change. We've done ourselves damage [in just about every area of our lives] & we need time to heal. It's a process & it takes time & work. I read that you're able to sleep & that is a really great sign! It tells me that you're one of the luckier ones & that your neural healing might be quicker than that of certain others (points finger @ self :). Give yourself a pat on the back for coming off now rather than later as it gets harder & harder the longer we stay on & the older we get.
Now, it seems that you've already sussed the real challenge (which, as rough as it is, isn't physical detox). You've 'awoken' & you're starting to see & feel things w/ a Clarity that's literally impossible on opiates. When we first stop, we're on an emotional roller coaster -- we tend to be all over the place. This slowly eases & then we're faced w/ the reality of all the things that we've been masking, avoiding & not working on in our lives. It sounds like this has come 'early' for you. We're like a patient that awakes from a coma only to discover that they no longer have the use of their muscles -- like a musician that hasn't practiced in decades, picks up their instrument & is shocked that what used to flow so naturally, is gone. In short, in a certain sense, we're stone beginners. It's not only that we have to relearn but to learn to see & do differently. The folks that I see who fall, often do b/c when faced with the onslaught of post-detox mental/emotional changes insist on comparing their energy levels & 'emotional ease' w/ that of their time on opiates. What they fail to understand is that that was never real & that the whole time, they were living a lie & letting life pass them by. You seem to have already realized this. That's great! Mindfulness (hey there fellow-Yoga/meditation enthusiast:) & no-holes-barred self-examination are key to protecting what you've accomplished thus far.
It is a very lonely feeling to wake up so unpleasantly & be 'human' again. One of the most insidious lies that I think dope tells us [& that we seem to believe in our country today] is that we should feel great all the time. That if you're unhappy, depressed, restless or whatever, there's something wrong w/ you. These are normal human feelings, they're generally there for a reason [so that we'll self-correct & become better, more contented people]. The thing is that they've been there all along, waiting to be dealt w/ beneath the deadening treacle of the Suboxone & whatever drug(s) came before. The constant influence of opiates/drugs stopped us from living & doing the work in our lives that we needed too. These are YOUR real feelings & it's okay to feel them. In fact, it's good to. Learning to sit in our skins is the heart of the matter. It's the art we must learn if we want to live without drugs. Think of it this way: @ least you're able to feel & see these things now! As painful as they might be, they will not kill you & they will pass. Please, know this! Just try to observe them & not struggle w/ them.
I too am a chick (older by 8 years) that woke up @ 47 to find herself in an unacceptable relationship (broke that off) w/ no real direction in life & friends that I could no longer associate with. It's been a painful, enlightening & @ times joyous 1 year & 11 mos. since I came off of almost 30 yrs. on Heroin & 20 off M'done. I'm now a work in progress & respect myself most of the time (whereas before, I was unable to as I increasingly knew that I was in avoidance mode re: everything about my use & my life). I'm now doing the work & it's bearing fruit. I still get lonely, etc. & there are lots of things I'd like to improve in my life but THAT IS life. I'm now able to accept it & deal with it as I never was able to before. Anyone who remains clean has had to build a new 'self' & develop new skills. It's a challenge & a revelation & it's well worth it.
Every thought, every action, every word -- everything we're doing @ the moment is shaping our future. You're doing that right now. So far, so good! The changes -- the painful realizations about our situations & ourselves -- they're challenges to be worked on going forwards. Let your imagination take flight. What are the positive things you enjoy doing? What would make you feel beautiful about yourself? Maybe you'll have to develop new healthy interests (which might in turn lead to meeting a whole new set of people). For now, if MH helps you, then use it for all it's worth! MH is all I had for quite some time & I will be forever grateful to some of the amazing folks here & for the site in general.
Stick w/ it, Anne. I know what you're facing, I understand. Others here do as well. You're not alone. I've discovered that we're much, much stronger than we've generally given ourselves credit for. This is your rebirth -- like your initial one, it's painful -- against all odds you made it through that long, dark tunnel & into the bright light, smells & sounds of the real world. A rude awakening, certainly, but one that offers you limitless possibilities. If you stick w/ it & do the work, you have it in you to make whatever you choose of your life. So, my girl, hold fast! You're on your way :)
We're here & we're pulling for you,
Annie
Hey Anne, how are you? Sorry to hear the emotions are feeling out of whack. One thing to note I think is that things like being lonely and other mental phenomena, we go through when we're clean as well. It's life, I'm only saying that so you don't get too down about feeling lonely. It's not necessarily all the pills and it's likely your normal feelings coming back too I'd suggest, which is a good thing. Emotionally difficult but the body taking steps in the right direction so to speak :)
Also, 41's not old :P You'll make us 30 or so year olds freak out if we start thinking like that. I'm sure meeting people won't feel like such an issue when you're feeling back to your old self a bit more. The way you're thinking now won't be at all the way you're thinking when you're feeling healthier.
Also, 41's not old :P You'll make us 30 or so year olds freak out if we start thinking like that. I'm sure meeting people won't feel like such an issue when you're feeling back to your old self a bit more. The way you're thinking now won't be at all the way you're thinking when you're feeling healthier.
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