Help me help my marriage

[helpmymarriage]

I went to the focus unit yesterday for my apt. It was ok other than she manipulated what I said. I am going to go back. I haven't taken more than 3 tramadol during a day for my back pain. I need help to be able to help my marriage. I know that it'll take a long time to gain my trust back after lying and stealing tramadol. I want more than anything to make my marriage work. My wife doesn't believe me that I do and it breaks my heart. I love her more than anything and she is my world. I know I screwed up big time. What can I do to make her fall in love with me again, trust me again and see that I am serious and don't want to lose her. Losing her would kill me. She is my everything.

[atthebeach]

have you spoken with and counseled with your pastor yet?  it is going to take time, she has to have her feelings validated. please don't yell, don't argue, that just makes it worse.
just tell her you know she is hurt, mad, sad. she has every right to be.
ask her to please be patient and allow you to make it right.
will she post on our forum here "living with an addict"?
have you suggested alanon to her?
did you look in your area for celebrate recovery or overcomers outreach?
they are 12 step programs that are Christian based.
sending prayers
Debbie

[helpmymarriage]

It is so hard right now!! I know she's hurt and mad but we are constantly arguing and she's constantly bringing up divorce. It breaks my heart. I know it's my fault but dang!! I hope we can get through this like I said I love her to death!! Please pray for her and I, and our relationship. I don't want to lose her.

[ActingBrandNew]

You sound very determined so I hope and pray everything works out for you.

[helpmymarriage]

I do understand that. I hope to god ours is strong enough to make it through this. I know she is very hurt and angry and I wouldn't try to talk her out of her feelings. I know it'll take a while for this to change, id wait forever if it took that long which I hope it does not. I'm sorry things turned out how they did for you.

[ActingBrandNew]

"She says I don't or this wouldn't of happened which kills me inside to hear her say that."

Thats a very common thing said by SO's, especially ones that never used before. Your wife will forgive you eventually just work on yourself and allow her to feel what shes feeling. Dont try and talk her out of her hurt...

"I'm glad things are better for you!!"

Keep on mind its better for some...but many relationships cant withstand the strain of addiction. My last relapse sealed the deal for my marriage so Im now a divorcee...please understand that they dont stick around forever.

[helpmymarriage]

I hope sooner or later she will see again I love her more than she'll know. She says I don't or this wouldn't of happened which kills me inside to hear her say that. I've been honest and am not going to lie again. I want to make this work. I'm glad things are better for you!!

[Andie015]

Weaver, your situation is exactly what I was dealing with last week.....it was strained with my husband for a couple of months then we finally had it out and we were able to just lay everything on the table and get it all out.....we have been so happy since then, it feels so different now....in a good way.

[helpmymarriage]

I think it's great the you all have made it as far as you have, it's awesome!! Congratulations to all of you. It gives me hope to see that I can do something to try and eventually win back her love. I plan on going to see a counselor as much as I can and find a different way to help the pain in my back. I don't want to take these pills for the pain anymore. I notice I do if she gives me one for my pain. I love her more than anything and I hope she will give me this chance to prove it to her. I know I hurt her very much and it kills me inside but I'm trying to supports her more now!!

[weaver71]

It killed me when my wife said, "yeah, yeah, we'll see." It took several months clean for her to even beleive I was serious, then the healing started. Just before I had a year clean, we had our biggest fight of all. It was hard. The good part is, we worked it out for real, we're closer than ever. Family members form habits too. My wife was used to me being and responding a certain way. She responded to the addict in me, not the new me. I've proven I mean it, I went to meetings daily, sought counseling, and started fixing what I could in my life. I earned the right to confront my wife's behavior over about 10 months of obvious effort. She realized I had done nothing wrong, but she was acting like I had. She is healing too. You know, I learned the lies where the worst mistake I made. She would have been okay with the truth, but my addict mind had to try and be sneaky. I truly think we are going to make it now. I wasn't sure for a long time. I made a deal with my wife. I told her to prove why I should want to be with her and I'll prove to her why she should want to be with me. I started over. It's fun now. I take her out and try to give her pleasant surprises. It feels weird dating the mother of my children, but I'm a new person, which makes my relationships new. When she hurts my feelings, I remember how often I hurt her and she kept trying. The above posts are right on. She's still there, that says it all. Prove to her you are worth the wait. Focus on recovery, the rest will follow.

[Andie015]

Acting said it very well....there's nothing you can tell her that will make a difference...you need to show her how you feel. You also need to give her time and room to be angry and let you know how she feels. I had the same situation with my husband. I am extremely lucky that I have a very patient husband who was willing to wait for me to clean up my  act and give me a chance to prove myself and my sobriety, but it's not at all easy to gain that trust back. Time is all you have here and you need to be patient with her as she has been with you. If you two truly love each other, and it sounds like you do, this can get better. But it all starts with you, you have to prove you are done and can be trusted. Shower her with love and affection, let her know how much you love and appreciate her and she will see it. My husband and I are truly falling in love all over again and it feels amazing....it's worth it to keep at it. I just had 8 months clean on Monday and we are finally doing much better, not perfect of course, but I really feel great about where we are headed and it all started with strong communication.....you can have this too, just show her in actions what you told us in words.....

[ActingBrandNew]

I looked at your profile and the other threads you responded to so I can know a little more about your situation before responding.

"I need help to be able to help my marriage. I know that it'll take a long time to gain my trust back after lying and stealing tramadol. I want more than anything to make my marriage work. My wife doesn't believe me that I do and it breaks my heart."

Your right...trust takes a very long time to come back. My advice to you for someone who was in a situation similar is to just show by actions. When we hurt our loved ones through addiction, we make all kinds of promises to the that my sound good to us...but to them its all lies. They dont want to hear that stuff...they want to SEE it.

I was married many years and had all kinds of negative scenarios where I did bad things...got caught...then begged for forgiveness and said it would never happen again. Needless to say I messed up one time to many and Im now divorced. They wont stick around forever! In my mind she would never leave because I did all these bad things and she stayed before...boy was I wrong.

Right now is the time to be SELFLESS...the opposite of SELFISH. Meaning...dont tell your wife how much you hurt because she doesnt believe you or for any other reason for that matter. Just be there for her and listen. If you want to win her back....just show her by actions and understand the yes you do hurt but she hurts too and its because of your drug use. Give it time...a lot of time. It can take years to gain trust back but if your wife means that much to you...it wont matter.

Hope it all works out.