So, as a lot of you, I have been battling a pill addiction for far longer than I ever imagined.
To start, go back to last July, a oxy addict was telling me about Tramadol and how it actually gets you a decent opiate high and is legal to get on the internet. I researched it and saw it wasnt a scheduled drug and honestly didnt think it could possibly feel like a real opiate but ordered some. So I pick it up at FedEx the next day and WOW, I couldnt believe how easy it was to get something so potent. It was great! I started doing more reasearch and even found kratom and ordered it, it wasnt the same high but I still couldnt believe how something legal could work so well.
Anyways, I used the tram pretty regularly for the next 3-4 months, getting up to 11-15 50mg a night. At this time, I only took it at night when I was off work and home from the gym. I was an avid weight/bodybuilder, had been for 10 years or so. It was the one thing that gave me confidence and made me felt good.
So I recognized I had a problem and quit, I quit for 3 weeks. It sucked, I missed two days of work. The depression and anxiety engulfed me. I have a problem with depression and anxiety anyways, so that just made it even worse.
So like many others, I still had the tramadol around through the whole withdrawals and never took it, it was kinda nice to know its there just in case. So I never threw it out after I had been clean for three weeks. I hated how I went from being really productive to completely lazy and bored. It seemed like the smallest tasks were such a pain.
So I got on a project at work that required me to do some work at night, I gave in and took some to make it more exciting I guess...... and well I never quit since.....at least not everything.
The bad thing about tramadol with me is, I end up making stupid choices and wasting money. I was offered a job overseas, and I actually accepted it. Granted it took 2 weeks to say yes but I did say yes. At this point I was always either high on Kratom or Tramadol. I had a great job, a house, a GF, but I think deep down I took the job to get away from my out of control life. I have worked overseas in the past, so its not a shocker that I chose to take the position. But I really had it made, and I didnt even realize it.
So I go overseas, and it hits me how bad of a mistake I made. How could I do this!!?? There was no way to return, and I had just left everything I knew, put my home on the market and everything. Somehow is my tramadol enduced brain this all made sense... AND to top it off I somehow got my doc to write me scripts for Adderall. Its so embarrassing to even write this. The first two weeks were hell, I cant believe I didnt have a mental breakdown. I took kratom, adderall, and tram with me. I tried to stop it all because of what I had already done. But the depression was overwhelming, this time I actually had something to be depressed about.
So 5-6 months goes by, I am taking adderall everyday, but I have to take Kratom with it otherwise I cant eat, and remember how I was this big athlete weightlifter, well you HAVE to eat in order to get results. I was hit and miss in the gym, it was just so hard to get back on a routine. I was constantly thinking about how I was going to get my life back. However, when I took the tram I felt things werent so bad, maybe it was a good choice. I found a way to get all my pills out there, there were days were I ran out of the kratom and tram, and I couldnt stand taking adderall by itself while detoxing off the others, it just makes you a jittery mess.
I should of warned you how long this would be. Well, I got another job offer is a much more dangerous place in the world, the money was very good. I have worked in that environment before so I knew what to expect. Once again, I thought maybe that place is going to force me to get off this crap. At least there I was making up some of the money I lost by buying all this stuff.
I had a 2 week vacation back in the US before I left for the new job. I didnt want to use that time to quit taking everything, I hadnt seen my family or GF in 5-6 months. The last thing I want to do is be incredibly depressed while I am there and knowing that in 2 weeks I am going to one of the most dangerous areas of the world. So I was taking tram everyday, morning through night. I was easily taking up to 20 a day. No one knew....
So now here I am out in the middle of the sh1thole of the world. I brought tram/kratom/adderall with me. I went through the tram, ever since I started taking them in the morning I just continued. So I went probably 2 months straight taking them everyday, maybe 20 a day. I ran out of those 3 days ago, so I have been taking a butt load of kratom and my regular adderall. It does keep the tram withdrawals away, but you eventually have to deal with it once the kratom runs out.
Right now is a low low point. Sure I do have a job that is making me money, I felt I had to take this job to make moving away somewhat worthwhile, at least I will have some money in the bank. But I lost my GF, a great job, and I dont even workout anymore. I get depressed just looking in the mirror and seeing how much I have deteriorated because of all these chemicals, the depression, etc. I know how bad the depression is when you go through withdrawals, and I am just terrified to go through it when I am out here and have to deal with everything I let my addiction do to my life. I have to find a way to come off everything, including the adderall. And I have to do all this while trying not to be too obvious in the workplace. I work on a small team, I cant just hide away.
I know I wrote a lot, I dont even want to go back and proofread it all. Im not really asking for anything, I just needed to let it all out.