Anyone out there?

[HadEnough0920]

I've been doing ok with my taper, but I find the depression since I kicked the oxymorphone has been debilitating.  I cry a lot daily.  I haven't had a bite to eat in 3 days.  I have been off the Opana for 5 weeks, and now take oxycodone 7.5mg x 4 daily.  I would be alright if it wasn't for the crippling depression.  It was so bad last night that I got as far as looking up the number for the suicide hotline.  I asked about antidepressants while tapering but didn't get much help.  I guess I will ask my doctor if it would be something to try.  I take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but they seem to do very little.  My only relief is taking Clonodine and Klonopin and sleeping as much as possible.

I guess there isn't a question in there, but I wanted to talk to someone.  I'm scared that there is something else wrong with me physically.  I already see a therapist, and my mom offered to send me to rehab.  I'm not sure what they could really do for me that I can't do from home.  I guess I'm going to force some food down and see if it helps.  Thanks for reading my completely pointless rambling.

[HadEnough0920]

Just wanted to update those that have followed my trip towards recovery.  My depression has lifted somewhat since it finally started getting warmer out.  I actually had a good weekend, and then today happened.  I have been awake for 33 hours with no end in sight since I have to work in a few hours.  It was so bad that I called my doc and he called in a script for Trazadone 50mg to help me sleep.  It hasn't done a darn thing.  I need to be up for another 10 hours before I have another chance to sleep.  

This kind of came out of nowhere.  I had been using valerian root instead of Klonopin for my sleep, and doing ok.  Not great, but it was manageable.  This is unacceptable.  I don't know how I'm supposed to be productive at work like this.  It's almost like the Opana has come back around and told my brain that it is not done with me yet.  Poison.

I went to my therapist the other day, and he gave me a recommendation of some AD's to try, along with a list of psychiatrists that he likes.  I also confided in a boss at work about my issues and got started with our company's EAP.  

Maybe the Trazadone needs to build in my system a bit before it starts working.  I don't know much about it other than a lot of people like it a lot for sleep.  I have no other choice but to ride it out and hope it improves soon.  I actually feel halfway normal even without the sleep.  I'm so darn close...just need a couple things to start going my way.  

[FourJays]

Hello - sorry to hear you are feeling so down.  I just wanted to mention something about the Klonopin; as I have taken this off and on over the last few years too.  Like you, I did not realize that it can/does contribute to depression.  A few months ago I talked to my doc about lack of energy and motivation issues I was having, etc., and he told me then that the Klonopin could be contributing to it.  I wasn't taking it regularly, but enough that since I have stopped it completely I do notice a difference - with energy and depression.  But - if you have been taking it every day you should not quit it c/t; my doc told me to taper it even at the small dose I was on.  I hope that will help you.  It is really awesome that you have gotten off the Opana - congrats on that and the full shift.....hang in there :)  

[SmilingBright]

Great job on working full shift.  And trying valerian root instead of klonopin.   I'm praying u get some good rest and can't get out of that depression!!!  

God bless!!!

[HadEnough0920]

I just got home from work.  I work nights so that complicates sleep a bit.  This morning I'm trying something different.  I took my .1 Clonodine, but instead of the Klonopin, I took 1000mg of valerian root.  I honestly have never had any addictive issues with the Klonopin, but if dumping it helps my depression, then I'm all for it.  At least I was never on a high dose of it.  We shall see if sleep comes today or not.  I'm very tired from work and sore as heck, so I also took an Aleve instead of a perc.  I am trying :(. In fact, last night was the first time in 8 months I worked my full shift.  I was scared to death since I have issues there, but I did it.  Keep talking to me and I'll keep posting.

[HadEnough0920]

Thanks to everyone that responded.  It means a lot to me.  I want to clarify a couple things so everyone has a better idea of my situation.

I came from a bad Opana habit.  I told my doc at a previous visit that I flushed it and would not take it anymore.  It was killing me.  He gave me the 5 mg oxy for the first month, and when it wasn't controlling my pain, he upped it to the 7.5.  It's not perfect, but tolerable and I won't go any higher.  

I started aftercare before I even dropped the Opana.  Then for a few weeks I didn't see my therapist because I was so depressed that I couldn't do anything but work a few hours.  I talked to him last night and he's worried about me, so we made an appointment for Saturday.

The appetite thing is very bizarre to me.  I've always been big and strong.  Now I look like I'm dying.  I've lost around 40lbs since Christmas.  It's just so hard to eat when you're not hungry.  I did force myself to eat last night and this morning.  I've stayed hydrated with Gatorade and water, but I know that's not good enough.  I used to love to eat.  

I have been on the Klonopin for well over a year along with amatriptyline for sleep issues and anxiety.  I take .5mg twice a day.  I never thought about it contributing to my lack of energy and severe depression.  Since I started Clonodine, I had to drop the amatriptyline because they don't interact we'll.  I think I will call my doc and ask if I need to taper off the Klonopin to see if that helps with the depression.

I had a terrible reaction to Cymbalta, so I've been scared to try another AD.  I think I may need to try another though, since I don't think I should still be feeling this much depression and despair.  

I've come so far and have my doctor, therapist, and family on bird, even my wife.  I know how close I am to finally being clean.  I've got 3 weeks until my next appointment.  I will call him and see if I can get in sooner to discuss this depression with him.  It's really my last huge hurdle. I can handle being somewhat depressed; have my whole life.  This is just on another level.

[nursegirl6572]

I very much agree with the above posts.  The Klonopin could actually be making the depression much worse, not to mention, you are on that slippery slope, using it to sleep to escape how you're feeling.  You MUST be careful there, what you're doing is very much self medicating.

I agree too that you should seek some prpofessional help.  Even though a good bit of the depression is probably related to the detox, which takes time to resolve, that doesn't mean there aren't avenues you can take to help you feel a bit better.  An antidepressant may help, it's certainly worth discussing with your doc.  I would recommend therapy as well, to be able to vent, and explore all of these feelings.  It's hard to accept the help of others, but lean on those who are reaching out to you, you don't have to be a hero, okay?

And yes, you need to TRY to eat something, even if it is something bland and not large amounts.  THAT in itself will affect your mood drastically.  Please hang in there, and keep that hotline number handy...if you ever feel it's all too much, and you feel like harming yourself, seek help ASAP, calling 911 if you have to.  Hopefully, if you start making some changes, getting some help, eating and easing up on the Klonopin, you will feel a lot better.

My thoughts are with you.

[alex1234]

I am also in process of a taper... I could have written your post. I am barely making it through the day and have to work. I am also using Klonopin at night to get a little sleep, otherwise I would not be able to function! Although i know i could be starting a new addiction i am taking a small dose... I cry a lot too... Just know your not alone, I see a few of us going through the same thing.  Good luck to you!!! You are doing great! I try to read all the success stories... They help give me hope.

[alreadybetter]

I'm no expert, but I have used Klonopin now for over 3 years (at night because that is when my pain is screaming at me and it helps me sleep). Klonopin, and all the benzodiazepams, are known for causing depression. I have to say that I was on a much higher dosage of oxy than you and if you are only taking 4 7.5mg tablets, then I would say you are very, very close to being able to stop. And, find another doctor and tell them the truth about what you've accomplished by giving up opiates and that you need an antidepressant. That should be easy to get. Really easy. Lastly, Klonopin is so addictive, so if you could wean and taper yourself off of that you will be done! And, congrats on your successful taper. You should focus on that.

[dominosarah]

I know you are feeling really rotten right now.  Try and eat something really bland like toast.  You can also drink some of those protein drinks.  We need to feed our brain also.  The depression is very common but it doesnt mean you have to just ride this out.  Many a times we find an underlying issue when we start to wean down.  Lots of people here have gone to the doctor and got on some antidepressants.  They have some really good ones out there now that are non narcotic.  It cant hurt to talk with your doctor about this.  Your post is not pointless, we understand what you are going thru and we will be here to help you thru~

[dusk1010]

hi there,
ur post wasnt pointless first of all.its great to have asupportive mother especially at such a time.I understand u feel miserable and feel that something is seriously wrong with u.Well we addicts have led such indisciplined lives when it comes to food,chores and interests.Yes ul have physical issues accompanied with mental ones which are difficult to combat but not impossible.At a rehab u could probably understand the importance of self discipline which u find it hard to to do it at home.Im not quite sure but then that might help u in kicking ur bad but loved habits.I can understand ur depression,thats a part of wd.u might wana kno what i did.i video taped myself when i was depressed and crying all the time and watched it play.i dont need to tell u how i felt when i watched it.try it.i cannot tell u what is right and wrong but only understand u and share with u what ive been thru.I fought the war all by myself and ofcourse medhlp.still fighting and staying strong.u can do it too.take care and keep posting

[VICourageous]

Hi..Its all part of the process..I have 213 days..I went c/t from three meds..One being the Methadone..You find your self feeling things you never had before..I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately..I live in a area were it snows all the time..So I was having some emotions that I have never experienced before..and if I did I guess I just went and used a substance of some sort..There is alot on this Med Help form about depression..I found some good things about the Seasonal Disorder..There are vit that help built the serotonin, gabba and enorphines back up that are effected by drug, alcohol or even nicotine use..Exercise plays one of the biggest rolls for depression..I also read about Diet..Like staying with the lean protein and complex carbs..berrys are real good too..As far as the physical part is does get better..The body needs time to rid poisons and balance back..But you are still on a med right??? Well I just can say do not be scared..There is always some one that checks in now and then late at night OK..You will be fine....