Cravings and anxiety

[wanttobeclean]

This is the first day I've really felt one.  I wanted that calm, happy, in control feeling those damn drugs gave me for a brief period of time.  I want to be clean more, trust me.  And I've flushed all the leftovers I had and have no way to get more...No way.  But the craving and anxiety is so hard today.  I cried in my hubby's arms this morning, and opened up about all the worry and anxiety and inferior feelings I had that made me use the drugs to be a better person, to be able to cope.  And the guilt.  Which just made me need more, to get rid of the guilt.  

sheesh..I'm just babbling...I just need some assurance that there will come a time I won't feel so agitated and needy and such a mess. I hate this and I hate those goddamn drugs.

[helpme101107]

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading your post, because I feel exactly the same way you do. I am lucky to have an understanding husband and I dont want to keep putting him through this, (w/d's) he has seen how bad it can get for me and he suffers right along with me. I dont want to lose him or my family, I just want to be happy and live a normal life without those damn pills which I hate also!!! I will be trying cold turkey again next week, I cant do taper. I have already said a prayer for you. Please think of me next week when you are feeling better. God Bless You and your family. Cindi.

[EmilyPost]

LieIsARide nailed it. Quitting pills is REAL. It's a huge accomplishment and it has to be put above everything else for awhile. Thank goodness you told your husband! Wonderful. Understand pills have an evil voice that instruct you never to tell anyone about them, they fill you with shame and demean you. That is the pill's Voice. It's going to get better every day. I'mreally proud of you and I am sure your Family is too. You are doing the right thing.Sometimes the right thing doesn't feel good.And that's ok.Not everything has to feel good, you know? That's another lie drugs tell you.

You are loved fro who you really truly are. And you always will be. The struggle is not as hard as staying ON the pills is.

You want to be clean? Me too! ;) And I really don't care what I have to go thru to get there. I'll do whatever it takes.

[wanttobeclean]

Thanks so much for the support.  I guess I 'm still overwhelmed by the life long work it will take to stay clean.  Even when this physical stuff is over, the mental side of it will be a daily issue, right?  It just kinda overwhelms me.  I'm feeling strong now, but what about a month from now, or a year, or when I hit a big, stressful moment with the kids or work (those were always big triggers to down one). I guess opening up to hubby and you guys is a start....I have never told a soul about my use before. And I'm guessing this place will give me good coping tips as time goes by.

Sorry if I seem to be babbling along...I truly appreciate the support and hope to give back soon.  

[GoingToMakeIt]

Pills give us a FALSE sense of control and energy and super human being feelings. But it is not real. When I go back and look at things I did when on them. I keep finding mistakes made. Reality is by far a better choice.

[lifesaride]

you mention the in control feeling you had on the pills, maybe you haven't noticed be the control you have now kicking the pills is REAL, not just a feeling!

[beck25752003]

hey there, yes just hang in there it will get better. that also was the hardest for me in the begining, feeling sad and all that anxitey but when the nautral calm came back man did that feel so good. and like joann said talk here all the time all day long if needed, getting the feelings out good ones or bad ones help so much. and if you can try to take a walk it help me so much with anxitey. keep kicking butt everyday will get better. and congrats to how far you have come.
beck

[joann1975]

I say keep babbling if it makes you feel better! I did it alot in the beginning... aaahh I still do it...but anyway.... I think it is great you could open up to your husband. Some people don't feel they can open up to their spouses. You will feel better and you will feel on top of the world when you realize what you have overcome! It's no easy feat trust me! You can do this!
JoAnn

[wanttobeclean]

Thank you twolve...those words sound so good to me...especially the part about my hubby thinking well of me...right now, I just imagine him saying the right words to help me, but thinking horrible things about his "loser, junkie wife".  I just hope he's being honest with me.

Thanks so much

[twolve]

your name says it all..you want this,.all this bad feelings are a means to an end..your going to get your life back and your going to be able to work  on your personality for the first time before the pills..i bet your hubby thinks the world of you for what your sacrificing right now for you and your family..this isnt easy otherwise there wouldnt be so many people addicted..when you get through this it will be one of the biggest feelings of accomplishment you will ever feel..hang tough!