Day 1 - Time for Some Accountability

[teachermommy690]

Hi everyone~
I posted a while back regarding my use of hydros for chronic migraine. Like many others (my story is nothing new), I began by taking the prescribed amount, but after 10 years on the pills, I became addicted.  I knew it had changed to addiction when I couldn't just 'take it or leave it', I HAD to have my refill and would become very anxious when I knew I was getting low on pills.  I have been reading the posts on this forum for quite a while, knowing that I will soon be one of the people needing to post as I go through withdrawals.  You are all amazing and strong!  You give me hope and strength that I, too, can count myself among the lucky ones that kick this horrible addiction.  I HATE waking up in the morning knowing that the first thing I think about is how soon I can take my hydro to 'jump start' my day.  I'm a teacher and a mother of 3 boys that I love more than anything in the whole world.  Our last day of school was Friday, so I knew I wanted to start my detox this weekend.  I took my last hydro at 8:00 last night and flushed the 2 remaining in my bottle (not much to flush, I realize, but the temptation was very strong this morning to take the final 2 I had.)  I just told myself, 'hey if you flush them now, you'll already have 12 hours clean under your belt.  In that moment of strength (and thinking of all of you on this forum that have given me the encouragement to do this), I have now started my journey.  I know the withdrawals will be difficult, but I will embrace the discomfort and anxiety, knowing that the pills are a dangerous thing and once I am 'myself' again, I'll handle life so much better.  I've told myself for far too long that the pills are what make me a great teacher, a loving, patient mother, a good wife, etc.  I know in my heart that is not true.  Before my doctor prescribed hydros, I was a happy person.  I enjoyed life, but soon discovered that the pills gave me that little bit of extra energy to do things 'even better' HA!  I wish I never started!!!  I just hope that after the detox and my brain starts thinking for itself again and my emotions come flooding back (because I know they will) that I"ll be able to handle it.  I know for me, the pills help to 'numb' out so many emotions so I felt like I was always on this linear plane of not really showing any true emotion.  It was easier just to take the meds and move on with my day. Be the happy, bubbliest teacher in the building.  What a joke.  I am so ashamed that I have sunk this far.  I just want myself back and I want to be an 'authentic' mother, teacher, wife.  I want to be me again, without the help of pills.  I have the entire summer ahead of me to re-set my body, my mind, my life and I want to use this opportunity wisely.  I want to post on this forum for support and hopefully, I'll be able to 'give back' by supporting others who take this journey after me.  

I have vitamins, Immodium, gatorade, and Lexapro (my dr. prescribed it over a month ago for migraine prevention and anxiety and I take only 5 mg. per day.)  Anyone else on an SSRI?  Did it help with your detox?  I also have a few Valium left over from surgery over a year ago that I will only take if I'm not getting any sleep.   I think that will be hard for me because I don't function well on less than 7 hours of sleep at night, but who am I kidding?  I'm not functioning well on pills either, no matter how much they try to suck me in and tell me that I am.  I will keep posting and hope I can help someone out there who wants their life back, too!  Thanks for listening and God bless all of you - I wouldn't have had the strength to make this decision without this forum and all of you wonderful people!!!  Hugs!

[positiveinparadise]

Wow teachermommy, you told my story! I too started out taking them for migraines about 10 or 12 years ago, and felt like hydro was the vitamin I needed, to not only deal with the pain, but to be a better person and deal with life. But now, I feel like a nut case. I started off taking them as needed for break through migraine pain and then started taking 1/2 in the afternoon to get me through the day. Now I wake up and take 1/2 then another 1/2 in the afteroon and then another in the evening, but sometimes the 1/2 is a whole. I'm afraid more of the emotional wd than the physical wd. I have 2 teen agers and a husband that is difficult to life with, he's a good man, helpful, I love dearly but is high maintaintance. I had to call my doctor for an early refill last month and that is when I realized I need to get off of these! Meanwhile, I sober in AA for 24 years and so is my husband and all of my friends, so no one knows about all of this. Plus I'm an RN. I'm so glad I found this site where I can get it out!  I want to go off of these because I'm noticing that I've become very forgetful and have a hard time following conversations, I think it's all the meds. I have tried to wean myself down but always go back up, never had the balls to FLUSH. I want to quit but I'm afraid. Thanks for being here and being honest! I'm trying to stay positive, that's how I came up with the name positiveinparadise :)

[teachermommy690]

Thank you Minn! You are so supportive and thanks for the flush in my honor!  I have 24 hours clean now, so I am proud of that at least.  I was taking 8-10 hydros a day, so today was tough with cravings, but I kept busy, ate well, and tried to have fun with my family.  I fear that tomorrow and Tuesday may be horrible compared to today, but I'll take it as it comes I guess.  Even though last Friday was my last day with students (I'm a teacher), I have an in-service day on Tuesday and I have to go to work all day.  I will take my Immodium and vitamins & hope for the best.  

Blessings to you and have a good night!!  Thanks for your kind words of support!

[minn66]

Hi and welcome! Great for you taking control and flushing those last two pills. Very empowering, wasn't it? I flushed in your honor. Lol, my water bill is going to be sky high! ;)

Take it as it comes. Sounds like you're very well prepared. Hang in there and post as often as you need.

Hugs,

Minn

[teachermommy690]

Thank you everyone!  Your words of support are really helping me today. So far, so good.  I am restless and have some anxiety and tummy issues but trying to stay busy and positive.  Hoping I sleep tonight so I can continue to fight this battle tomorrow.  I get overwhelmed when I think too far into the future, so I just try to stay in the moment.  That is NOT in my nature, so it's very difficult for me.  Aren't all addicts like that, though?  LOL We want what we want when we want it, right?  Oh well.  Thank you to everyone and I'll keep posting.  Hugs to all of you.

[Pat1956100]

Congrats on your decision to become clean.  It's not easy but you are well prepared.  If I was you I would save the valium in case you have bad anxiety.  Good luck and keep posting.

[Dixiechick72]

Hi and welcome. Good luck on ur journey. So I don't know too much about the other meds ur taking but wanted to offer support. Ur taking a great big step and doing great coming clean. U have so much support here it's amazing. Just hang in. Know that it's gets bad before better ok. Good luck. Big hugs

[bb454]

Boy do I know what you mean. Im a mother too and started taking them for back pain..a few years later I was up to between 6 and 8 a day. Unable to get through the day without them. Running out getting sick running out getting sick....the cycle is nauseating to think about. I only have 5 days so am in no condition to really give advice I just wanted you to know your not alone..the withdrawal wasnt as.bad as I thought it would be..what would alwsys drive me to the point of refilling a script was the restless legs..drove me mad!! I got Hylands restful legs and they were a godsend..you can get them at any pharmacy.. Dont know you but I know how you feel...prayers and strength to you! Xoxo

[Lilasme]

You've taken the first step...congrats! Life is so much better on the other side...be patient...stay strong...take it one hour at a time. There are so many ppl here to support you...we have all been where you are...keep reading this forum....it helped get me through it too : )