How Do I Overcome This!!!

[MissRecovery]

Hello!!!  I'm young woman who has been struggling with drug dependence for a while, but it is absolutely imperative that I remain clean for the sake of my future.  I have been abusing prescription/over the counter drugs off and on for about three years, but this past year it got very bad.  I was manipulating doctors, nurses and pretty much the health care system in my area to get and stay high on various substances.  My particular drugs of choice were oxycontin, percocet, and ambien...a lot of the time I was taking all three at once.  At first, it wasn't a significant issue...I was working full time, maintaining a 4.0 in college, and only using the drugs to get messed up/sleep at night.  But eventually my addiction to these drugs consumed me, and began to take precedence over everything else in my life.  I lost my job, my incredibly high gpa feel to a 3.5, and my doctor caught on to my drug abuse and I was no longer able to get any controlled substances.  The withdrawals were terrible, but I overcame my addiction...or so I thought.

Well, today things have improved in my life.  I was recently accepted to one of the top universities in the country to pursue my BA and enter a prelaw program...THIS HAS BEEN MY DREAM FOR YEARS.  I'll be transferring in as a junior in the fall.

BUT, my biggest fear is turning to prescription drugs again.  In a high stress environment with drugs easily accessible, can a recovering addict survive?  I thought if I got off of drugs, I'd be cured...NOT the case!  I still think about getting high and taking pills everyday...I want to take them everyday.  If they were right in front me, I don't know if I would take them (probably would).  How do I overcome this?  I don't want to lose something I've been dreaming about and worked so hard for.  Please offer advice...I don;t want to end up a loser! :(

[MissMalibu]

Oh you will and we will be proud to have you!!!

[Greatgreebo]

you can do it....just put the time in.........and get the help and stop hiding the secrets!!
stay strong
Greatgreebo

[MissRecovery]

Congratulations on day 6!  I remember those first two weeks of being off of my drugs...pure hell.  The shakes, the sweating, body aches, hallucinations, and of course those powerful cravings.  I tore my room apart looking for extra pills, it was awful...I even tried looking for places to buy them online.  Terrible!  But you'll get through it...it just ***** that the road to recovery lasts a lot longer than just those two or three weeks.

I hope to join you as a member of the bar in a few years! :)

[MissRecovery]

Thank you for the kind words. :)

I do want it, but at times my cravings for the pills feels stronger than my desire to stay off of them...which I'm sure plenty of people here can sympathize with.

[MissRecovery]

There are no drug support groups in this area...as I said, I live abroad (in Asia).  I'm sure there are support groups for addicts off of the military installation, but I do not speak enough of the national language to participate in them.

My future means EVERYTHING to me.  I have made many sacrifices and worked hard for my future...but it isn't just me.  My parents have spent A LOT of money to help me out of rough spots in my life, are currently paying for my education, and do everything they can to help me move forward and be successful.  They are aware of my addiction and support me to stay off of drugs.  I CANNOT let them down by falling back into drugs after everything they have done for me.  So why is it that if I had these drugs right in front of me, I would probably still take them???

These pills have an insane grip on me and I fear I will never break free.

[MissRecovery]

  I'm well aware of the false sense of security.  Whenever my anxiety or depression crept up on me, I would reach for the pills.  It typically takes about 15 minutes for the effects of the drugs to kick in, but as soon as I would swallow the pills I could feel a great deal of my anxiety just melt away.  I hate to admit this, but to me it absolutely felt like heaven.  When I was high, I was the me I always wanted to be...self assured, confident, outgoing, etc.

I've had some difficult periods in my life, but on the surface many people assume I'm on a great path...BUT THAT ISN'T THE CASE.  I'm crippled by my anxiety...I fear it will derail my future and push me to drugs.  

I see a therapist every week, and a psychiatrist every two weeks...it definitely helps, but I feel I would benefit more from an addiction support group...unfortunately, there are not any here.

[MissMalibu]

Congradulations!!!!!!  I'm a ESQ.  and I work, then these devil pills took over my life.  you are sofar along in your recovery it is not an option for you to look back.  I am only on day 6.  I will tell you that many of my collegues have far worse problems than me. And they have not lost their lic over them some are convicted felons, and repete offenders but good at their job that the get all charges dissmissed with the help of counsel.  Then they go to rehab and they are right back to where they started.  I remember how excited I was on my first day at law school, and I remember the agony of how long I had to wait to see if I passed the bar.  That was a walk in the park compared as to what I am going through now.  Everyone on this site says that thing will get better and I believe them and I believe in myself.  I believe in you and I think that you believe in yourself as well so please what ever you do stay on the straight and narrow and things will have a way of working themselves out.  I am facing my very own deamons but together as a group we will all get past this.  Addition is a lifelong battle.  Some days are easy and some days aree tougher.  On the tougher days just think about what you have and how lucky you are to be exacty where you are and push on through.  Good Luck and Study Hard!

[Greatgreebo]

Yep, get yourself some counseling and stay positvie. You can do this. You just have to 'want' it as bad as you want everything else you are making yourself do (law school, university etc). Like justneed says above, you know the answers to your questions-so don't waffle about it-get what you need to stay clean!
Congrats on stopping after 5 months (even if you didn't mean to stop). You are in a great position to NOT end up like so many of us on this forum.........years into a serious addiction and so lost and goofed up that it is a miracle we are even alive!

Stay strong,
Greatgreebo

[justneedtotalk]

I think you know the answer to your own question.....You are a smart person and know that you have to get into some form of aftercare where ever you end up.....The minute you realize that this addiction is very persisitant and you need daily help for a while will help you stay sober.  Without help, every time you fall into a way to get pills you will most likely fail and take them as long as that source will take you!  Many of us on this site have been right where you are now, just unfortunately several years ago.  You have an opportunity to end the madness right here and now and it sounds like you are already past the tough part of withdrawal.....You just have to decide if you are really done.....forever!!!  Good luck and God bless!

[IBKleen]

That pill popping produces a false sense of security. Had you stayed on them longer, you would have sadly found out.

Certainly you can have a recovery program. And no time like the present to get that going btw. If you don't feel 100% committed to it right now, that's okay.....do it anyway. Fake it 'till you make it.

Have you spoken with the health care professionals regarding this? Is one of these professionals a therapist?

[MissRecovery]

Thank you for your response!

I haven't used oxycontin, percocet, or ambien in about 5 months...NOT by choice.  My doctor put me on a list at my hospital and informed every other doctor I see about my issue...so I couldn't get drugs even if I tried.  I live overseas on a military installation (my Father works for the government), so it is really my only source of drugs.

I should also add that I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder...I'm on zoloft and see mental health care professionals every week.  I'm extremely committed to overcoming my mental and emotional issues (including addiction), but is simply wanting it really enough?

When I had my pills, life was easy to manage...pop a pill and 15 minutes later, no insecurity, no depression, no anxiety...I felt like super woman.  Now, when I get those feelings I don't know what the heck to do except stay in my room.  

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

It would probably be very helpful to read up on the disease of addiction so you understand what it is you are dealing with. Us addicts suffer from a disease for which there is no known cure. It can be arrested and recovery is possible. You will need to do the work and you will need support in order to do this.

How long since you used?