How can i get back to the way life was???? Cant stop thinking....

[BAThinker]

Last year  i got into smoking marijuana heavily and drinking heavily.  I also tried Extacy multiple times and shroomes before that.  Nothing was bad at all and i was having a great time with everything.  A couple times though i had a bad trid off one pill and i barely had a piece of a mushroom and i had another.  From there on i never tried them again.  But kept on abusing alcohol and marijuana.  The past 4 or 5 months have been horrible since and i have always been in my head.  I feel scared sometimes when i sit down and just think about my past and the world im in now.  I am drug free and will never get into that world again and it is good at my age at 19 but i still feel as though i am living in a different  world then i used to and sometimes the fact of that is mroe then i can bare and i break.  I cant talk to my girlfriend or anybody without blowing up and just being by myself.  I tried to explain it to people sometimes but its more then i  could say and from there i think about how i got into all this from being so happy and life living just a coupleof years ago.  Also during this timeand am STILL going through today is the fact that my mother had changed from the most caring mother in the world to an alcoholic that i cant een see anymore without getting sad.  A lot of things have changed in my life and its sometimes hard to bare and i would love any help that i can get its just too much soemtimes and the help from others would be the est thing i could get.  Thank you

[LeftCoastChick]

Bat if you are suicidal - you need to go to your local ER, I know the kind of pain you are going through, and it feels never ending, but it does stop. But you need to get help now!
It's pretty normal at one point while you are growing up, which you really are still doing, to think about the same sex, perfectly normal, we don't really form our full sexual identity until we are in our twenties, mostly. . There's also nothing wrong with being gay either. What ever you chose, the most important thing is not to lie to yourself.

Here's a list of hotlines and crisis centers as well you can call or find out about, but you need to get help.

http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA#state-CALIFORNIA%20(n)

[BAThinker]

Im back ive had my second apt with my therapist and things i THOUGHT were ok.  My thoughts ab out being gay grew and grew and even thogh i could never be with a man and wouuld never ever have any sexua interactions with one i  cant stop thinking it.  I was sitting in class today and thinking  ahotu that whitch lead to me and drugs witch led to thinking about being gay again and then my girlfriend.  It was a horrible circle of thoughts and i was thinking i was going crazy.  Then suicide came into my head.  At once i thought and i kind of knnow i would never do that.  But the thought of that became a bteer reality.  Something to take away everything.  I dont know what to do.  Im spiralling down and things are getting worse and worse and worse.  Help.  Please.

[Sammich616]

Hi BAThinker,
  I can tell you from experience, you can't always control what you think or what pops into your head.  It's how you react to it and whether you choose to keep thinking it or try to focus on something else.  I have had horrible thoughts pop into my head, however I never act upon them, and I usually stuff them into the mental file cabinet.  Sometimes to be remembered, and other times to stay in there.  If it's the OCD making you think things over and over, maybe you can try to focus that mental energy on something positive, such as going to the doctor appointment and how you will work with your doctor.  Maybe there's something else that you can think about doing, such as helping your mom out by cleaning her kitchen for her.  Try to harness that mental energy and use it for good.

[BAThinker]

you see it is though, it started a long time ago with the drinking and drugs, but its not that.  I dont drink or smoke everything now is in my head.  I dont feel the urge to go smoke or anything all it is now is i cant stand the THOUGHTS in my head.  It has nothing to do with drinking or anything i just want to get rid of some the negatvity in my head that wasnt there before.   I dont know if it is my ocd or what but it kills me everyday and im looking forward for great help as time goes on.

[LeftCoastChick]

I think the best place maybe for you to go to the Addictions forum, you will probably get more specific support over there. This forum isn't the best one for you.
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/158

[birdie0907]

If you were drinking and drugging, I don't know that you can isolate the feeling of, "but i wasn't liking the way it was making me feel or be" to the meds. You said in the beginning post that you had taken too many substances.
I still think AA is the best place to dry out and stay dry, and don't think you can get that kind of valuable support for drinking on this site. Otherwise, I couldn't agree more with Sammich.