Ashamed....

[delightdee]

So I relapsed....got really sick with pancreantitis laded my butt in a hospital bed for 3 days on dilaudid.  The problem is that I cannot take RX as prescribed.  Had real pain from surgery but couldn't stop.  Been 2 weeks that I've been back on Norcos....and I'm going off again today.  I am so ashamed that I am here again.  I don't know what to do.  How to handle this again.  Why do I keep going back here?  I

[OxyTired]

I feel ashamed too if I look my in the wrong way. Before getting clean almost 90 days ago I have been getting buzzed on one thing or another since middle school. And now I am 60. It overwhelms me the thought of how many years wasted.
But what is really astonishing to me is now I have a future. A bright and clear headed one. I dont have any idea how many times I have started over. I keep coming back to this site for the wisdom and caring people here. I read about their tough struggles and the victories they are proud of, and I dont feel so alone and ashamed anymore.
I am proud of you for not giving up on the fight for your freedom from pills. Its a tough battle, but everyone here is behind you ready to support you no matter what. We are not alone!

[kyle505]

Ariley is spot on as usual. At some point in an addict's life they will need to manage their pain in order to heal. Having a plan in place long before something comes up is very important. My left shoulder is bad - rotator cuff. I will have to have major surgery eventually. So I've talked to my wife. She will be with me in the doc's office when we discuss pain meds. She will pick them up; she will count them daily; she will give me my pills and then hide them. And I even told her about how I used to switch over the counter Vic look alike aspirin for Vic's, so she'll look at the pills too. Complicated? Over the top? Yep. But I need it to be.  Hang in there. Keep posting. We're here for you.
K

[ariley13]

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Live and learn. Work on your plan and change what didn't work. Pancreatitis is extremely painful and is a case where pain meds are needed (in most cases). Please think of things you can do in the future to ensure you can't relapse if you have another episode or other health issue requiring pain meds. Is there a trusted loved one who can sit with you and hand the pills out on schedule? I know that it is difficult trying to balance sobriety and serious health issues. Sometimes you can't avoid the pain meds, because doing so will limit and inhibit your recovery from illnesses, surgery, etc. Please just have an ironclad plan in place on how to handle this situation when and if it happens again. I hope that you are feeling better and wish you the best of luck with your recovery. We are here for you. Take care and try to keep your head up.

[kyle505]

I failed for over 15 years. As of today, I'm almost 21 months clean. This is what I did...Maybe it will help.
First, you have to really want to get and stay clean; if you don't, then you can stop reading this - it would be a waste of time. And you'll know if you're ready. I got to a point where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Not drama, just the truth. I flushed my Norco and went cold turkey. Spent four days in hell, but it was well worth it.
Now, if you really want to quit I suggest that you do these three steps. They are hard. A lot of people refuse to do them or make up excuses why they can't or don't need to. Bottom line, you leave one step out and you will relapse.
First - cut your sources. Tell your doc, dentist that you're an addict (or at least an abuser) and that you want to be red flagged as such. Again, very hard, embarrassing to do, but if you don't, and you have pills available, you will relapse.
Second - tell your secret. Not sure if you are married, engaged, single, etc., but you have to tell a close friend or loved one. If you keep your secret you will use behind it. Plus, these people will become an important part of your support system during recovery.
Finally - get after care. Go to NA meetings. This is a great site, but for all we know you're using as you post. You need real accountability, and being in a group, face to face, with other addicts is the only way to get it. Plus you'll need a sponsor - very important.
That's it. Simple? NO!  When I told my wife and children that the husband, father, provider they thought they knew is an addict, well, I just broke down. The guilt, shame, self-lothing...But they forgave me, love me, and have helped me stay clean all these months. Speaking of which, this is the longest that I've ever been clean, and the steps above made it happen. You have to do the hard work; you have to admit embarrassing and humbling truths; you have to stop lying to yourself and others; you have to stop listening to your own BS. You addict's brain is very powerful. It will panic and start yelling at you if you try to get clean. And it is a battle that we have to endure forever.
But it can be done, and life without meds is wonderful, that's a promise.
All the best,
K

[Bubbleguppie100]

Aww Hun, don't feel bad. A lot of us has relapsed... Myself included. Try not to beat yourself up. Learn from this situation. Did you stop aftercare? Plus, you went to the hospital for pancreatitis. It is, what it is. How are you doing?  Take it one day at a time. Xoxo