Let's talk about day 4 I'm NOT doing too good.

[Back2Me]

Most of the physical has lifted thank God except for some still warm skin and the bathroom trips. The big problem now is I am having UNCONTROLLABLE panic/depression attacks. My brain feels like it is squirming in my head. I CANNOT stop crying and hyperventilating. I just had an episode that I tried to get through on my own for over an HOUR and it was hell. If i would have had a gun here I would not like to think about it. It's terrible I know. I'm not that type of person. But this mental anguish is just terrible. It's taking me to some very dark places and not letting me up. I hate to keep taking klonopin but it's the only thing that brings me back down. But then I just get tired. Man please tell me this will pass real soon. I have done this before but it's been awhile and I DO remember doing this I just need some reassurance. Amd this time I jummped from my highest amount CT. Over 160 mg of oxy's and percs per day. I hope this is the peak. Please let It be. Day 5 starts at 6:00 pm for me. Day 4 was not nice to me at all:(

[faith_hope_love]

Gnarly you are so right about that personal relationship with the Lord.  I have seen some nutso stuff since I became a christian unfortunately.  But God, He never changes and I know I can alway's count on Him.  In fact, I know I would hate living this life without Him.  In saying that, there are some wonderful people and churches still so thank God for that too.  

Back2me, I hope you get some good sleep tonight.  ttyl!

[Back2Me]

Gnarl my man you have been a great brother on here man. I remember you from LAST October 09 when I made my very first jump. Yes I have to be more active this time I know. I did try last time going to therapy but it was crap. So maybe tomorrow I can find my first meeting. That's my goal. You said you found Jesus. Where the hell has he been hiding lol! Probably on the other side of a big pile of pills.

[Nicole1105]

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry to hear it's been rough, but glad to hear you made it through. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do. Just keep pushing through. You're very strong; you'll make it! We're *always* going to be here for you.

Congrats on your wonderful little celebration, and Happy Birthday!! Just the thing you need to get your spirits up! So glad your boss has been supportive as well. Sounds like you're in a good place mentally and you have lots of support all around you. :D

[gnarly_1]

HI .....glad to here your feeling a bit better the emotional stuff is normal im a guy to and cryed over even a sad song it will pass in time its your emotions coming back on line
I dont recommend you find religion to me its ruined Christianity get a personal relationship with Jesus going has helped me considerably ....I am so happy your willing to go to meetings this I think has been the missing link in you staying clean it works good for so many of us
the physical detox is probably over by tomorrow now its just the mental mindscrew dont wait on those meetings your going to need them now so get pluged in  just google N/A meetings it will bring you to a meeting locator...I thing your starting to understand addiction and what it going to take to get well.....I wish you the best in your recovery good luck and God bless
........Gnarly    

[faith_hope_love]

A loving wife and mama that has got your back...awesome!  What a nice surprise for you tonight and happy early birthday!   I agree with your points on aftercare.  I definately have to do the same.  This was my 3rd relapse in 10 wasted years.  I am 45 now, enough is enough. I don't want to be going in withdrawals at 50 and 60 yrs. old.  That would be so bad.   This time, for some reason and probably is God and learning more about addiction, I am more peaceful yet determined in my mind.  I know it takes time for our brains to restore themselves so that is what we have to remember on off days.  My mama is very supportive as well, (God bless her, I love that woman)  I told her today that for the next few months especially, the main focus in my life is gonna be me and getting well physically, mentally & emotionally.  Then when I am better and back to myself before pills, maybe I can help others.

Ok, let's see, you are a .....Doctor?  Lawyer?  Indian Chief?  lol jk

[Ballgame]

What ur feeling is standard. Your body and brain are readjusting

But with all those bathroom trips you need to drink water.  That's probably the most dangerous thing right now.

Day 4 is awesome.  You're basically done

[ImDONENoMore]

You sound wonderful!!!!  How great to hear.  Let me tell you you're going to keep getting better and better and those moments (like yours in the snow) and going to feel so so GREAT!

Congrats to you for moving forward.  Keep going!!

p.s. i'm going to throw a guess out there and say you work somewhere within the medical field?  not sure why i think that?  :-)

[Back2Me]

Yeah since my mental breakdown earlier and my klonopin I feel much much better. My brain does not hurt right now. In the middle of feeling sticky and terrible after that episode my awesome wife came home with a TON of nice presents and cards for me and my mom showed up at the exact same time with some gifts and card. See my 40th birthday is Tuesday but I guess they all decided to celebrate it tonight!  That really helped. I am very open with my addiction problem and everyone is supportive for me. So after my mom left me and my wife bundled up REAL GOOD ( it's like single digits here) and went outside and I cleared all of the snowstorm off of all of our driveway and walks ( I have a lot). I fired up the snowblower went to the store and got some new gloves and dug in. I was whipped when i was done. I was sweaty but finally in a GOOD way! Took like an hour but man after my hot shower I feel like a million bucks now! I have the new eminem pumping on my iPhone it's very inspirational! He is also from the D and has been through EXACTLY the same thing and now he is finally clean for a long while. I got a little tear listining to it at first but in a good way this time. Thanks to everyone who is praying for me! I cannot tell you how much it means. ReAlly you guys have really helped me out. I'm not through it yet I know there is more to come and maybe those prayers could be directed at me STAYING clean forever. I'm looking at a lot of things now. I'm probably going to have to find my religion again and go to meetings and work it. Things I have never done before. I did the therapy thing but she was the wrong one. It did nothing for me. I have to find something that works though this time HAS to be my last. 6 X is enough! So please know I have much love for you guys all of you and Lyn thank you very much. On another positive note I just talked to my boss on the phone ( I have been faking the flu) he said take as much time as you need to get better. He was worried about me!!!!  So that's a relief. But maybe tomorrow I'll tell everyone what I do for a living. You wont believe it. :)

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Oh those Nasty nasty panic attacks! That was the worst!! I could NOT get a deep breath and cried at everything! I feel for you because that just stinks! I would litterally say "just stop" out loud to make myself snap out of it. A few times my youngest would look at me like I was crazy and say " I'm not doing anything" lol I just say " it's okay baby, mom's just thinking out loud". Ugh. What a pain. It will pass soon. I had that for about a week or so then it let up. I hope it passes quickly for you. I would also tell myself that it was part of the wd and healing process and reassure myself I WAS NOT GOING CRAZY! I know it feels like that but it's just part of it and just like the physical part. Keep that in mind and it makes it a little less stressful. Good luck and keep your chin up. This too shall pass :-)

[Back2Me]

Thanks everyone and my buddy lyn :). The klonopin help a lot. I just don't want to have to take anything else but I never had a problem with benzos. Not my thing. But still. I thought I wanted my brain to heal naturally and suffer the effects. Well they were insufferable believe me. I could have jumped out my bedroom window screaming. It was crazy and I could not stop it. It felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. But I'm good now. At peace for the time being. The prayers and klonopin worked :)

[faith_hope_love]

Hi Back2me,  I thought of you right when I woke up this morning and hoped you endured the night.  Words really do fail, but we all truly can empathize.  You are not alone and you will make it.  I felt compelled to use less words and just get on my knees and pray for you and I did and I am telling you right now, I know I am stranger but I felt that prayer.  God is faithful,  He loves you..hang on.   Lyn

[laurel453]

yes, those breathing exercises that Rick mentioned  are very helpful when you are feeling so ansious, concentrate on your breathing, deep breaths and keep doing them for some time..., a hot bath will also help you to relax. good luck :)

[quitinoxys]

Back2 I'm sorry you are feeling bad but it will pass. The Lions won so that should brighten up your day. What helped me when I started to go where you are was doing breathing execises. Just try to sit and clear your mind and take deep breathes and concentrate on your breathing and nothing else. It truly works, I hope this helps you and please when you are feeling down and out POST POST POST as it is theraputic. I am praying for you, God Bless---Rick

[laurel453]

don't fight being so emotional.... part of how bad you are feeling is made up inside your mind apart from a wd sympton. You know it is temporary and this too shall pass... talk to your mind on a positive approach, you know how important is feeding our mind with positive talking....  you could even laugh at yourself, fetch your sense of humour and some funny movies and laugh.... you will have those moments of tears but find yourself with some moments of laughs. Don't overthink too much now, whatever you gonna amend, you will have time on the future once you are better and with a fitter mind to think reasonably, it is too emotional now as you know ;) .....We go thorough a beating phase also, please, don't pay too much attention to those thoughts now, you don't have to amend everything , what you have to do now is taking care of you the best way. Love yourself.... start exercising to boost your endorphines, eat healthy, this is more important than you think now... avoid junk food, sugar, alcohol, you could read the amino acid protocol, it really helps, maybe try a natural antidepressant as st john's wort if you are not taking anything , or 5htp.... to help you with serotonine, BE POSITIVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT, PLEASE :)

[tomskat]

Hello my friend...congrats o day 4!! You are in the rough spot right now that's for sure. I am a Packers fan so I too am crying,lol! I know there are some who aren't fans of replaciing 1 drug with another,but honey,if you have some klonopin,take a half to get your through this. Everyone is different,so this could last anywhere from 2 days to 7. The physical issues are bad enough (immodium helps immensely,btw!) but the mental issues are the killers. I believe that's why we relapse-mentally. Your mind is your worst enemy. Stay strong and know that you cann beat this and get through this!! Keep your guard up,and keep posting,reading post,check out the health pages too.I am here if you need to talk or vent. Going CT from anything is not easy and I never recommend it (taper is my way),but so proud of you for cutting them out of your life!!Stay safe and keep me posted as to your progress...thanks and hang in there~Anne

[Back2Me]

Oh and BTW I am crying over EVERYTHING. I EAT I CRY. The lions make a good play and look like they might win today and I start crying! ( which if you are a lions fan you probably understand that one:). But seriously. A sad song. A commercial about christmas. EVERTHING sets me off. I can't take it.