so scared I will use again

[gatorgirl47]

I'm new here and just need a little support? Short version I am 47 mother of 3. I have used opiates (recreational) for a year. In March I suffered a heart attack. 2 open heart surgeries in 4 months. Needles to say I abused my pain meds badly. When they no longer prescribed them to me, I found a"friend" who knew where to get them. I was out of control. I couldn't function without them. 9 days ago I threw them away and suffered through 5days of hell. I have now been clean 9 days and feeling better. Today my "friend called from a new number. I had deleted her contact info. I told her I was not using anymore and we hung up. Now all I can do is fight myself to call her back. I keep saying just a few, just a few. We all know I'm lying to myself, I'm shaking im so scared I will cave.☹

[gatorgirl47]

Thank you so much. My 9 year old is my anchor at night. You see I never let him meet my friend and his bedtime is 9. Homework and bath and reading together make thus the easiest part of my day. When I am at work and he's at school is tough. I feel ok right now craving is gone. Tomorrow will be another meeting at noon and I am sure I will be here for support. Thank you so much. Oh and yes I blocked my friends new number until I can change mine this weekend

[dominosarah]

Yep it is an eye opener!  We all have the same thing in common, just different names.  Focus on all you have to be grateful for.  I used to make a list and keep it close by.  You will be amazed~

[gatorgirl47]

Thank you all so much. I did attend my first meeting. Have to say, very eye opening. Lol. I have told my self for so long I was not an addict. Ha. Every ones story sounded so familiar. I left with my head high but got home for that sinking feeling of "a pill would put me in such a good mood tonight" I'm good though. Tomorrow is 10 days. I'm gonna make it until tomorrow thanks to all of you. One hour at a time right?

[jifmoc]

Hi Gator, yes one hour at a time. LIke my pal Gnarly said, I too am so glad you are going to meetings. Do you know that the people that don't do any aftercare always come back here after a relapse? It's like clockwork.

You are wanting a pill desperately because you are still detoxing. At 10 days your mind is still accustomed to it's daily dose and it's angry. The only way for that feeling to go away is to resist it. If you cave in, you will be right back her but worse. Just because you have a thought or a craving doesn't mean you have to give in to it.

Yes, tell yourself you only need to make it til the next hour. That's it. At your stage, one day is too big. Try to make it w/o a pill til the next 10 minutes.

If there is another meeting tonight...go!  Your ph is blocked and you have no way of getting any yes? Give someone the keys to your car if you need to. You have to do ANYTHING you can to protect yourself. It won't always be like this, but it is at the beginning. If you do it right, you only have to go thru this part once.

Stay close to this site!

[gnarly_1]

Hi   welll im glad to here your open to N/A meetings .... it is the single best thing you can do for your recovery....your mind is going to play tricks on you  it is what I call the ''mind screw''... long after the pills stop your  still stuck with the addict that lives in your head....N/A treats the addict it is free the meetings are only a hour long and with time you will lose the  desire to use...something I thought was impossible...  just know recovery is possible and today I have a amazing life thanks to N/A  keep posting here for support.............Gnarly................

[dominosarah]

I am really glad you posted as it is important to hold ourselves accountable.  A walk, fresh air and meeting is just what you need.  Stay close and let us know how it is going.  Yes WE can do this!!

[gatorgirl47]

No I haven't done anything for after care until today. I just found an na meeting today very close and Im going to go. Yes I know there is no happy ending. I honestly think I needed to tell someone what I was thinking about doing. It was so easy to go get a few and no one would know but now they do! Doesn't make any sense to me really but thank you so much for telling me what I needed to be told! I'm going for a long walk and to my first na meeting. We can do this.

[dominosarah]

One is too many and a thousand isnt enough.  You and i both know there is no happy ending to this addiction.  I want to see you reach 48 with 3 kids.  Your "friend" is no friend.  Friends dont sell us things that kill us.  Get yourself busy, turn on some music, change your phone #, go for a walk, clean a closet, come clean mine, just do something.  Are you doing anything with aftercare?  You can and will get thru this~