The slippery slope we walk

[Xcalibure]

Everyday is a struggle for me.  My mind wants to be free of addictive substances yet it craves the high.  Maybe it's not even the high I'm after, maybe it's some other response.  I can remember tons of happy sober times.  I can remember feeling proud and accomplishing so much sober.  Why then do I constantly go back?  I've worked the programs and steps, the meetings and the counseling.  I've sworn every time will be the last time, and it truly is in my heart until it's not....again.  Why do I do it?  Is it possible for me to ever be free?  Will I forever falter in the face of these pills?  I probably know all there is to know about addiction, triggers, and withdrawal.  Even with all this knowledge I still back slide.  I see the person I am sober and I like that person.  So then why do I go backwards?  I don't want to give some sorry excuse for why I'm back to 48 hours clean after a year and a half of abuse.  I had gotten over 400 clean days, the most I had since I started my addiction and my life was great.  All the right stuff was happening.  My career took off, I met so many cool people and made lots of friends.  I was king and yet in a fit of some unknown reasoning I decided to take a pill.  Then continue for a year and a half.  I realize it's my fault, I do and I'm not out to garner sympathy.  I screwed me, plain and simple, and I own this.  The question I can't figure out is why?  With so much good in my life and being truly happy, why did I go back?  I followed through with after care, NA meetings three times a week.  Hung around like minded sober people to avoid temptation.  I can't figure it out.  Now this seems like a rant and I don't mean it to be so but more me working out my demons.  Am I possessed?  Is there a way to truly get rid of addiction in my life?  I don't have a crazy story of going broke and living in a gutter from scoring pills.  My life's pretty comfortable and I'm really good at my job.  I don't have crazy mistakes I've made and woke up in an ally.  I've never bought on the streets and I never stole pills.  Every time I've gotten clean it was because I wanted to.  I could get pills now but I don't want to.  I want my sober self back and I'm fighting for that.  I just don't want to be this guy anymore who's clean a year and change and then disappears in a bottle, I just don't know how to stop it.  

I don't know rather to be sad or relieved coming here.  Three years ago when I got clean this place was such a big help.  I met lots of people in the struggle that supported me, and I them.  I think though as people get clean they disappear from here, I did.  The place that helped most I forgot about with work and life.  That ***** on my end because maybe continuing to help others would help me.  Give me something to be responsible to.

The sadness of coming here is that no one seems to post anymore.  Threads are old and not many comments.  Maybe there aren't many addicts anymore, and God I hope that's the case.  I hope the world has wised up and chosen not to follow so many others into a life long struggle.  

Anyway, I've rambled on enough.  To everyone in the struggle I hope my words find meaning with someone.  I've read many post and while I may not comment on all they are helpful motivation to keep going.  Maybe my words will be that motivation for someone else.  We all feel horrible right now and can't remember the good but it's coming to you.  Life will return along with happiness, joy, laughter, dancing, all of which will be real and not chemically dependent.  

X

[brownvelvet]

Hi X
are you still here?  Did you stop coming back on? Did the comments help or hurt? I know they all want to help and sometimes they hurt anyway...and sometimes I guess it hurts because it is true....but I relapsed too and I dont know why. I dont think it is the same for any of us but we all come here to try to both help ourselves and help others. I have mixed feelings about some of the answers you got but I am sure they all mean well. I dont have answers for you but I just wanted to say...im sorry and me too...and it *****....keep trying.

[stilltrying1965]

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I did not mean to offend you in any way. You only know the reason you went back to the pills I was only saying I have done the same had lots of clean time yet started using again . Only I know why I done that but it was no one,s fault but my own. I hope you get back those 400 days. You so much desserve to be happy. Like I said I'm very sorry if I sounded harsh it was not ment to be like that.Ionly want what you want for you. And that's your freedom freedom from our disease. God bless and keep working hard you can and will get back to 400 but you know it will be hard work but you can do it your friend ,,,,,James

[clean_in_ks]

What happened to you X?

[gnarly_1]

hey dude you still with us???

[dominosarah]

Relapse happens when recovery doesnt~

Glad to see you reaching out

[gnarly_1]

Hi.....well it always saddens me to read about someone doing the deal and still having this disease take hold of you again.....relapse is real and it can happen to any of us....there is no magic formula but only choices we make.... my doctor once told me even though you relapse you havent lost the war as long as your still willing to fight....N/A is a great progam but people do relapse....the difference is like you many achieve 400 or even more time then drop there guard and wind up making a tearable decision  to pick up again....the one thing the progam promises is to releave you of the obsession to use but it takes time and the amount of time is different for everybody....for me it took around 3yrs but today I no long obsesses on using....something I thought was going to be impossible for me today I go to 3 to 4 meetings a week have a servise comitment twice a month chair a meeting for my home group and call my sponcer often....you have to become a member of the ''we dont pick up no mater what club''  be it good things or bad things ...it is life on lifes terms.....so you know what to do go back to N/A  pick up a white chip call your sponcer and just know this progam can even work for a addict like you if it worked for a old dope fiend like me dont let this relapse keep you down...we all are faced with the same decision each day...am I going to stay clean...or am I going to pick up....today I made the right decision....and remember not to get ahead of your self we all just have to stay clean today....YOU CAN DO THIS DUDE!!!!!
check you e/mail>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back X~
I can only share what experience teaches me.....maybe not a magic bullet answer as to "why".
Our addiction is a disease of "SELF-centeredness".  If we don't find some way on a daily basis to serve and/or help others, we won't grow into people who are "OTHER-centered".  
My belief is we are made up of 3 parts:  mental, physical, and spiritual.
When we first get clean, we are STARVED spiritually.  That part of ourselves has had no food for all the years we put chemicals in our bodies.
Sure we can exercise our bodies, we can re-train our brains with new thinking patterns, but if we don't find a way to feed our spiritual selves, we remain totally self-obsessed....still primarily only thinking of ourselves. (Having only me..me..me...on the brain)
If we help or serve others.....in actuality, we really help ourselves even more.  When we come to the end of ourselves....that's when we change.
The sayings of the 12 step programs gag a lot of people.....but that doesn't mean they hold no meaning.  I firmly believe "we cannot keep it unless we give it away".
As far as the forum dying......we have new owners of MH (tied to Big Pharma)  They have made MANY changes.  They have changed the format of the forums and they have taken away our friends feed.  I don't think there are less addicts out there, I just think it is harder and harder to post and stay connected with all the changes that have been made.  It has truly saddened me.  I have been grieving the changes in our addiction forum for quite awhile now, and finally decided, as long as I can still get the old format on my laptop, I will try to help at least one person on the forum as often as I can with all I have going on in my life right now.  It only takes a few of us making that commitment and perhaps we can re-grow our beloved forum♥

[clean_in_ks]

He said 400......not 4000

[wannabefreeagain]

Hi excalibure......I can relate to everything you said in your post......Even how you stated, there is a decline in activity, and responses on this forum.  I too have been coming here off and on over approx. 4 yrs.....this is the slowest I have ever experienced here.  Lets just hope its like you said....maybe there are fewer addicts.  I am so desperately seeking help...I cling to this forum anyhow....

[stilltrying1965]

Yes its your fault you can only blame you. I know were you are coming from I was the same with heroin id get clean then relapse for me it was an excuse to use heroin. Any reason would till I realised I did not want to stop that's the only excuse I can come up with. I did not want to stop. so its not failing you know the highs of being clean yet you go back to the pills. I do not know why ppl go back unless they don't want to stop 400 clean days you must have felt on top of the world. But your back using. Get clean stay clean you know all the triggers you know what is like to be clean, as for using again I cant understand nor qualified to say why you went back to the pills deep down inside I think you will know why. I just want you to get clean again and be happy addiction is sad. You know how to do this get back on the horse man and get it done for the last time. I don't mean to be harsh. But you and everyone else desserves to be happy. Good luck my friend we know you can do this. Get big and strong again we can all make mistakes. Best wishes on your future and much respect,,,,,James

[jifmoc]

Wow. What a post. 4000 days? That means over 10 years clean at one time? You wrote that you came here over 3 years. I apologize for my confusion. In any case, I have a question, before you relapsed, how many meetings were you going to consistently? How often were you talking to your sponsor? How many commitments in your meetings did you have? I'm only asking because anytime anyone relapses, and then they come back in to the rooms, they always say they let their program lapse in some way or another. They weren't in the middle of the herd, as it were. I'm just telling you what I've heard over and over.

I never had a low bottom either. Just a complete existential crisis. I wondered why on earth I was here to buy and consume pills and nothing else. I finally got so unbelievably, abominably sick of myself that I went to a meeting. I was very resistant before. In a way, it doesn't matter what happened before, what are you willing to do now? You are still alive and you have lost everything (luckily) and have the luxury of starting over. Perhaps there is no answer right now, perhaps it will come later. You probably don't need to know the "why" anyway. I think you know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

[jifmoc]

Oops, that's "you HAVEN'T lost everything"!

[Xcalibure]

It was 400 clean days, lol.  4,000 would be pretty amazing though.

[jifmoc]

Sorry I misread it. Aside from that, what is your response to my and all the other posts?