How in the world do i regain my wifes trust

[mm27]

I have been clean and rebounded many times over the past 5 years. Not untill 2 days ago my wife did not know i have an addiction problem to vicodin.  I told her and went through detox with suboxone and now am going to attend my first NA meeting tonight.  I wish she could go so she can understand what being an addict is.  she keeps telling me "how could you do this to yourself and to me".  I can't explain to her that i am an addict and am not mentally healthy.  She can't grasp it.  I need some help on how to explian this as the meetings that i am going to attend are closed so no one but the addict can attend.  Any info or referrals on books or articles would be greatly appreciated.  thanks.

[el_em_en_oh]

ginbud:
Your first paragraph (directly above) is EXACTLY what my wife went through with me, and is STILL going through, 500-days into my recovery.

mm27:
Making them aware of Al-Anon, and getting them to go, are 2 completely different issues, to those that suggested Al-Anon. If she's as jaded & repulsed as my wife is/was/is, she'll think "Why should I be the one that has to work on something that HE lied about?"

I'm not sure my marriage is going to work out, and I'm sad. I'm not saying this is you or going to happen, so keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight. Your sobriety should be your number-1 concern at the moment. Put your wife a VERY close second, but being clean should come first.

If YOU'RE not "right", your marriage isn't going to be "right".

My 2 cents.

LMNO

[ginbud]

Two days ago you popped a life full of myth filled beliefs she has built her whole marriage around. Her whole existance with you is now being reanalized through the eyes of someone who realizes she has been "hood winked" for five straight years. It probably hasn't sunk in what the whole issue really means when you use the term addiction. I bet her focus is on all the times you lied to her, the lossof trust she thought you two had, the BS she bought into when money went missing and the crap she allowed herself to buy into...I could go on and on but she hasn't even begun to comprehend the addiction issue. You have violated the whole issue of trust she thought she had and now she doesnt know who you really are and if she wants to bother with your issue, You are not just in the dog house, she is thinking you screwed her over in such a major way that she wants huge payback or just out. I know your focued on withdrawing, but she is thinking sbout the violated trust. Don't try to explain your thoughts and feelings right now because she does not see the man she thought she was married to, she is seeing you as a major BS who has taken her for a ride.
I suggest you start a journal, discussing why to tried to hide it, how it escallated over time, how you fed your own mind into believing you could quit, how you felt out of control when you chose to lie to the woman you loved, how you didn't want to face the truth about what was happening to you and just write about your feelings.. Tell her she can read your journal and that over time she talk when she is ready to. Write for you, write the truth, write about the fight your going through to get yourself back from the grip of addiction...And hope some time down this road to recovery she will see you didn't just lie to her, but yourself as well.
Good Luck
Ginbud

[gnarly_1]

HI.....when an addiction is first discovered in a family weather it be wife husband or child the first reaction is usually anger followed by a lack of trust and then shame to the family it becomes a dirty little secret that no one can find out about.....what would the neighbors think or for that mater extended family....secrets keep us sick....in time at least the family should know that way your accountable not only my family knows but my whole church knows I shared at a mens retreat to this day I have people ask me how thats going for me and its been over 16mo since I quit....dude the only way your going to get your wife to trust you is not by what you say or take here to your meeting but by you actions around her....you have been making love to your DOC and your wife has been number 2 even if you dont think so she does you need to get well for you and do the right things to recover its more then just going to the meetings it getting a sponsor and working the 12steps I agree with tram if your wife wants to learn more she can go to ALanon meetings but she should only go if she wants to go this is your addiction she was just an Innocent bystander...as addicts we think everything should just be fixed and go away because we stoped using...its the classic I want it and I want it now...with time your wife will come around but actions speak louder then words...I spent a lot of time praying that my wife would forgive me today I can honestly say she has....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[SoYouSay]

Have her read, here.

[kaboy1]

I'm no expert but I'd agree with tramhater, give her some time. Maybe set an appt. with your detox Doctor and ask her to go? I'm sure he could explain how these things happen (If you were put on them for an actual reason) and explain addiction to her. I dunno, good luck.

[LeaAnn807]

She can attend Al Anon.  It's for families and loved ones of people with substance abuse issues.  You aren't gonna get her to "understand" or "grasp" it.  She just has to deal with it in her way.  BUT....It needs to be a healthy way and in her time.  You can't push this with anyone.  She is hurt, so just let her be for now.  There are also open meetings that she could go to with you.  You might look for one of those!

Congrats to you!  And yaay on your big step of going to NA.  I bet it helps you a lot.  Let us know!!! :)