Getting clean, back to reality???

[HelpMe305]

So here I am once again. My DOC oxycodone 30mg. I can do up to ten a day. About two weeks ago, I moved cities, therefore my connect is no longer available. I've had about ten methadone 10mg on hand to hold off the WD. I recently ran out. (please don't preach about the dangers of mathadone, as I despise taking them and only do it when I'm out). Over the last week, I felt my body detoxing from the Roxys... I know the real test starts now. I'm not "clean" until I have nothing to take. Anyways, I'm not sure how sick I'm going to get but it seems I have no choice. My life seems to be crumbling before me. My mom is threatening to call DCF on me, therefore I have to stop. A peice of me wants to, and some of me isn't ready. Either way, I feel this two year binge has to end. Let me give you a little background.  I had a miserable childhood where I contemplated suicide a few times. I've been abused, molested and depressed. (I also have a 5 year old).  Anyways, I've always wanted to escape my life, and when I found Roxys, that's just what they did. I used them as a coping mechanism. Now that they are no longer available, I feel back to square one. I am opening my eyes, to my sorroundings and starting to realize once again how much my life *****. I am a generally unhappy person. What now?

[kyle505]

I want you to be assured that most of us on this forum are always honest and very straight forward. Since we all recover at different rates, you can't take any one personal experience as gospel. When I make a statement, I'm offering my own story, my own timeline, and my own approach to getting clean.
During the depths of my abusing meds, I could never, ever imagine day to day life without the drugs. I'd watch people that I know (thus I knew that they weren't on anything) laughing, talking, having a great time, and wonder how in the hell they could do it without pills! That concern, above all others, was the thing that kept me from getting clean for years and years.
I can tell you that, for me, the natural high of daily living (good days, bad days) is much more enjoyable, and lasts longer, and doesn't have a crash at the end, compared to the short rush from meds. And everyday it's getting better. That is my truth.
Keep posting.

[HelpMe305]

I'm going to trust you guys when you say being sober is way better than using. I hope you all are right... I'm just going thru a rough spot, I'm going to pick up some more emergency C cuz it made me feel better. I had this horrible cramp in my leg then I drank the C and it helped. I also have a multi vitamin and Imodium, I'm thinking about attending NA well see... One step at a time

[kyle505]

Glad you're here...And let me tell you, pills get you no matter what your life is like or how healthy you are, physically and mentally. I've been abusing for over 15 years. I have a great family, great kids, great job. A lot of people who love and respect me. So, why did I abuse? I don't know. I'm an addict, that's the bottom line. I'm trying to say that even those of us who've been luck enough to have been set on a smooth path become addicted to meds.
I admire your courage, and hope that you choose to stop. That's pretty much what it comes down to; your choice. Are you ready now, or, like me, do you have to waste years before you understand that life can be great without meds. Tomorrow will be my 90th day clean. Life is worth living without pills - that's a promise.

[Bkitty]

Yes that is all very normal. Its really going to feel weird in the beginning because you have to break that cycle. Its not so fun at first. But you have to learn to cope and adapt in a positive healthy manner. It takes time and patience.

[Teri9498]

   you said a piece of you wants to stop and some of you isn't ready.....well I will tell you from my experience....you have to seriously want to quit or you never will!!!.....no one or nothing can make you....but YOU!  You have to want it bad!  You have to want to be sober more than you want to be high!!!!!!!!.....a life on pills is no life!!!  If you just put your mind to it and do it, you will see how MUCH better your life will be! (promise!).....Good luck to you!

[HelpMe305]

I'm going through a life change right now. My boyfriend of two years, whom was also my supplier, broke up with me. I'm devastated. It's like losing two loves... I'm starting to realize maybe I can do this. Just one day at a time. I know I have been stubborn and always wanted things done my Way. I feel like NA just reminds me of the drug I am missing... Is that normal. I don't want to talk or think about it, so like an ex, I keep it out my mind. Although, I must say, everything triggers me. From using the bathroom to social situations. Everything makes me want to use. Is that normal?

[Bkitty]

Hey sweetie I can relate to a lot of your post. The main reason I used was because I needed to "escape", You really really are going to need to address that underlying depression that you have that keeps you using. Can you find a doctor in the area that will see you? You are probably going to need an antidepressant. I was on one even when I was using (totally pointless) as the opiates pretty much cancelled it out. I immediately went on several antidepressants as I detoxed and addressed the depression and it has made all this difference this time around. I detoxed many many times before but didnt address the depression and it didnt work. Aftercare and NA can also help too if you are able to get to a meeting. You can do this!! ~Bkitty