Aa
Time to join the party...first post
I was gonna wait to do this tomorrow, but before I go to sleep I wanted to feel like I took a step and did something! I've been reading for quite a while but not posting. I feel like I know some of you already, and I'm overwhelmed with the amount of caring for each other there is here. Support is sooo important.
Anyway, I was taking anywhere from 1-12 fioricet w/codeine (also has butalbital, a barbituate) per day. Sometimes few, sometimes a lot but always something. I did not skip days. This all started with my mother who has her own medication issues started giving it to me when I was in college when my migraines were not being controlled by my triptan medications anymore (ex. imitrex if you are not familiar). My mom ended up taking me to her neurologist and told the dr that I should get the same meds as her. Well I did and I'm sure you get the drift from there...
That all started about 5 years ago... Last summer I had asked for my medication to be dropped down to just tylenol 3 instead of the fioricet because I knew they were hurting me and I couldn't stop. Horrible, constant rebound pain. But my mother was still a huge trigger for me, both emotionally and her willingness to give me her own fioricets when I ask AND even when I tell her I don't want her to (she leaves them at my door!). It's like she has to make sure I'm using them or something (she has her own addictions but that's another page worth). Problem being is that she currently lives in the apartment below me and there is no avoiding her.
HOWEVER...happy to say I have 2 weeks ago did my detox off the fioricets, and then this past weekend spent it detoxing off my T3's. I had had enough and this is just my time. I've never felt so actually ready, as in ready I can't do anything else until I do this!
I'm not tooting my horn yet because the past few days I backslid and caved when I couldn't handle my emotions on my own :( That's why I'm here...tomorrow it's back to the grind and now I know EXACTLY what everyone means by all the feelings coming back and not knowing what to do with them. I need to talk to people about it because I was just slammed with them. Anger, and worry about the future the most. I had anxiety attacks for a few years, so when all those feeling came at me at once it was like I was right back there.
I could really use some tips about how to handle these things.....and I know the obvious would be to go to therapy but because of my prior depression in my college years I have already spent the better half of a decade living as a patient and it didn't help me much except make me feel trapped in that identity. A patient, that's how my family knew me and how I knew myself and I hated it. I wanted to just be a normal person for once who didn't have to go to therapy every wednesday to talk about all the horrible things that happened to me. It felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy and I didn't improve much in that whole time anyway. I don't know if that makes sense, but what eventually helped me so much more was my own reading, and doing workbooks and learning exercises to learn coping skills at home. That finally worked for me. Doing it for myself. I got out of my depression and could be myself again.
I'd just like to know when those emotions come up and I stop to think about what I should do, what I should be asking and telling myself in that very moment, when I would normally be wanting a pill....what are some of the things you guys do?
As for AA/NA, yes I have considered those and would take those over a therapist who may not have been in our shoes but I do still have much social anxiety remaining so not sure if I could do that just yet. I may have to take some time to work up to it. I have been reading the literature though.
As for my mother, I know that I cannot be around her so much like this. It's too much of a trigger to me to have her right downstairs. My fiance and I are planning on moving but he lost his job so now it all depends on when he gets a new one. I'm stuck here for now...in the same apt building.
Gotta try to get myself some sleep tonight...it has not been easy at all lately! Be back tomorrow....thanks in advance...
Anyway, I was taking anywhere from 1-12 fioricet w/codeine (also has butalbital, a barbituate) per day. Sometimes few, sometimes a lot but always something. I did not skip days. This all started with my mother who has her own medication issues started giving it to me when I was in college when my migraines were not being controlled by my triptan medications anymore (ex. imitrex if you are not familiar). My mom ended up taking me to her neurologist and told the dr that I should get the same meds as her. Well I did and I'm sure you get the drift from there...
That all started about 5 years ago... Last summer I had asked for my medication to be dropped down to just tylenol 3 instead of the fioricet because I knew they were hurting me and I couldn't stop. Horrible, constant rebound pain. But my mother was still a huge trigger for me, both emotionally and her willingness to give me her own fioricets when I ask AND even when I tell her I don't want her to (she leaves them at my door!). It's like she has to make sure I'm using them or something (she has her own addictions but that's another page worth). Problem being is that she currently lives in the apartment below me and there is no avoiding her.
HOWEVER...happy to say I have 2 weeks ago did my detox off the fioricets, and then this past weekend spent it detoxing off my T3's. I had had enough and this is just my time. I've never felt so actually ready, as in ready I can't do anything else until I do this!
I'm not tooting my horn yet because the past few days I backslid and caved when I couldn't handle my emotions on my own :( That's why I'm here...tomorrow it's back to the grind and now I know EXACTLY what everyone means by all the feelings coming back and not knowing what to do with them. I need to talk to people about it because I was just slammed with them. Anger, and worry about the future the most. I had anxiety attacks for a few years, so when all those feeling came at me at once it was like I was right back there.
I could really use some tips about how to handle these things.....and I know the obvious would be to go to therapy but because of my prior depression in my college years I have already spent the better half of a decade living as a patient and it didn't help me much except make me feel trapped in that identity. A patient, that's how my family knew me and how I knew myself and I hated it. I wanted to just be a normal person for once who didn't have to go to therapy every wednesday to talk about all the horrible things that happened to me. It felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy and I didn't improve much in that whole time anyway. I don't know if that makes sense, but what eventually helped me so much more was my own reading, and doing workbooks and learning exercises to learn coping skills at home. That finally worked for me. Doing it for myself. I got out of my depression and could be myself again.
I'd just like to know when those emotions come up and I stop to think about what I should do, what I should be asking and telling myself in that very moment, when I would normally be wanting a pill....what are some of the things you guys do?
As for AA/NA, yes I have considered those and would take those over a therapist who may not have been in our shoes but I do still have much social anxiety remaining so not sure if I could do that just yet. I may have to take some time to work up to it. I have been reading the literature though.
As for my mother, I know that I cannot be around her so much like this. It's too much of a trigger to me to have her right downstairs. My fiance and I are planning on moving but he lost his job so now it all depends on when he gets a new one. I'm stuck here for now...in the same apt building.
Gotta try to get myself some sleep tonight...it has not been easy at all lately! Be back tomorrow....thanks in advance...
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post...I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders because I don't feel like I have to struggle on my own anymore. Before that's what I was trying to do.
I'm not taking fioricets anymore for anything....those are just bad news for me. I do still have my tylenol 3 prescription, but I asked my fiance to lock them up from me and dispense them for me only when I am in obvious legitimate pain, and only 2 times a week at the most. Not everyday like I would if I did it myself. I'm thinking I probably won't need it that much anyway. He knows about my addiction and was very supportive. The only reason I have T3's at all was because I started having adverse affect to drugs like imitrex and maxalt. I've been in the ER 4 times over the years for reactions. When I took them it felt like they were suffocating my chest, and my muscles and my arms and legs were difficult to move and I couldn't walk...it was scary. So if I want to have any meds available at all, I need someone else to handle them for me.
I have no idea what my base level number of headaches is anymore, so I'd like to see and maybe I can ditch it altogether. I'm not waking up in pain anymore which is a first in years!!!
All of the tips are great. I especially like the one about just taking 15 minutes to let the craving pass...I didn't think of that. Exercise and music help me a lot too. I've been thinking about starting a journal. I also like to write affirmations down everyday. 10X each for 21 days because that's how many days they say it takes for your brain to adopt a new belief. Positive thoughts.
thanks again
I'm not taking fioricets anymore for anything....those are just bad news for me. I do still have my tylenol 3 prescription, but I asked my fiance to lock them up from me and dispense them for me only when I am in obvious legitimate pain, and only 2 times a week at the most. Not everyday like I would if I did it myself. I'm thinking I probably won't need it that much anyway. He knows about my addiction and was very supportive. The only reason I have T3's at all was because I started having adverse affect to drugs like imitrex and maxalt. I've been in the ER 4 times over the years for reactions. When I took them it felt like they were suffocating my chest, and my muscles and my arms and legs were difficult to move and I couldn't walk...it was scary. So if I want to have any meds available at all, I need someone else to handle them for me.
I have no idea what my base level number of headaches is anymore, so I'd like to see and maybe I can ditch it altogether. I'm not waking up in pain anymore which is a first in years!!!
All of the tips are great. I especially like the one about just taking 15 minutes to let the craving pass...I didn't think of that. Exercise and music help me a lot too. I've been thinking about starting a journal. I also like to write affirmations down everyday. 10X each for 21 days because that's how many days they say it takes for your brain to adopt a new belief. Positive thoughts.
thanks again
Awesome post and great start. Personally, I took up horseback riding. Something totally different and out of my comfort zone. I've never ridden a horse until 7 months ago when I decided I didn't want to use opiates anymore. I'm learning daily this is "literally" a life changer. I feel like I have to change my music, friends, hobbies, etc. all because there is always a trigger in my past stuff. I would use when I got really mad or wanted to have a really good time. During these times now, I take a deep breath, give the craving about 15 minutes. During those loonngg minutes, I clean, walk around, read, post on here, listen to music, or do whatever to help get over that tiny hump. Best of Luck and keep us posted.
I understand u. My battle with worry didnt originate from within, but, instead the world we live in. i did my best to find any way to burry my head. I numbed myself in the 17th yr of life w/alcohol then ended on oxy, soma, xanax, pot at age 42 (was an awesome grower w/legal license to use, buy, grow) I was becoming a shadow of my mom, whom has crippling r/a. dad drank. at 20 started having vision dreams. some where little insignificant snippets of what would happen that morning, what was happening with others at that moment and then evolved into full blown eventful dreams. Fires, car crashes, near misses, then 911. The world huge around me played in my head film reels of what was to be. till this day i am not certain how to differentiate between visions and junk. since i was born i remember every dream I've had and no need to journal. every night i dream all night. my infant memory, awake, began at 4 - 6 mos. was lucky to have had a great childhood. surrounded by love and never harmed. but there was something missing, no one specifically my mom could relate to what i shared w/her. knowing the future, seeing it, having de ja vus, etc. i numbed myself to the fullest extent hoping god would pluck me cuz it was too much to see. stopped watching and reading the news. and i started realizing it was everyone else that was not on the same wavelength. THEY started to understand when i started to accept. i settled into a knowing about this 'gift'? !
stay with me wysteria17, trying to get to the place i relate to u on. I am a huge satellite dish. Some weeks i forget that is what 'innately' happens to me so i do the freak, ranging from jeepers creepers i'm a nut job to the freaks, where anxiety is in every breath i take. i had to find ways to deal. detoxed off everything and started to allow myself to feel it all. i still limit all negative influences, be them people I know or sound bites of news. embarrassingly enough i've had to limit my outer world intake to celebrity news because their world is pseudo real and harmeless to me. It takes mind control. In the beginning of developong this practice, meaning admitting I had the control and was going to use it, it was April 2007, 5 mos before i detoxed from all the drugs - at once > 12 days of hell no sleep zombified. it was good i started the mind exercises before detox. because till that point i couldnt go into my garage without seeing my body hanging from the rafters or my body sitting in my car with exhaust fumes surrounding me. I was unable to imagine surviving the drugs and admitting that I was an intuitive that would be shown things while I sleep and or WORSE - things dropped into my ears from my guides while awake. these are not imagined voices. they are instead bits and pcs of guidance that dont originate from within myself and keep me safe, help me financially all positive guidance; avoid him or dont take that route,etc,
so when i say i relate to anxiety you can see why. I hated living numbed - dumbed down and seeing my dead body 'to be' in my garage - moved out of that house, it held too many memories I couldn't deal with then. Now i could then no. too cuz it was a beautiful house with a pool.
sounds like you need to get away from your mom's influence/presence, however that has to happen. like ignore, return pills, or move. U said u plan to. I am happy for you that you know there is a better way to live and you are just going to choose it. we forget we have ultimate choice control. choice over what we consume, whom surrounds us, what we look at/listen to and whom we draw to us.
i said this a couple days ago - adnauseaum on another rspnse post; we attract to us what we are like, what we want, etc. at a semiconscious level or at full bore awareness level. I even question if i manifested diseases in my dna default early on in life so I could get numbing agents by physicians; so I could just blend into the background of my own life. Am working well at this mind mngmnt and have been for 7 years. every 7yrs we begin a new lifecycle - how exciting for me, just thought if that, I digress.
We have ultimate control over what we think. Our thoughts lead to feelings. We must control our thoughts to avoid those feelings that lead to anything not positive or good - period! It took about 6 mos to catch myself everytime I had a negative thought. it was a full time job to manage my thoughts. taking responsibility of what we allow to go on in our heads is a full time job only at first. Then, OH 'then' it becomes natural.:) you sense what is beginning, a hint of anxiety and you make your conscious mind take over and not permit those feelings to let thoughts of worry creep in. It is a job at first, but for the mentally evolved it becomes a fun challenge. Success is inevitable if you just work the mind and use a mere portion of our abundant brain cells.
Anxiety, depression may be from different causes. Specifically if a chemical imbalance exists. I do not have an imbalance chemically, just an intuitive 24/7 OVERLOAD. I say that because I know, not everyone is like me, heck I've been sufffering to accept that for over 4 decades. But i know that anxiety can be controlled and eliminated permanently w/out drugs.
Believe in your powerful mind. God made we creatures of this era to manage what is going on around us without it creeping into our skin and polluting our souls. The real trick is the mental tool box.
First become aware, when any negativity starts - wherever it starts from within u somewhere, you gut? your head? Then they both work together against you and pow anxiety blows up. Sit with the feeling and it seeps into your being.
I instead have a mental toolbox. I dont have to use it much anymore. I began with a list of 10 things written down that bring me or brought me great comfort and joy. I took 5 of the 10 thougts and memorized them. whenever i feel any negativity I mean even sense it's near I use my toolbox and take control because ultimately I am the end of the line, the last defense. We all have the gift of peace within. It just takes practice of managing your conscious mind. The management then becomes a hobby. When I see people reminding me of old pcs of me, I just laugh rather than judge or internalize. When I feel the creep of the negative I know that it didnt/doesn't originate from within me but instead from our carazy world we live in. There IS peace for you ALL the time WHEREVER you go and it lies within you. It is your God given right. Society makes it close to impossible to remember that.
Slow down, watch the sun rise, the sun set, and EXERCISE! because it brings you into a meditative state. Try and do it outside and speak to mother nature, cuz she's there and she listens. oh so totally there. We have just paved over her and made her into parking lots. I have to remember to look for the good in everyone and when I stumble across a soul that is harmful I literally discard them. Their junk will not get close enough to rot or touch my inner light.
Hope ypu find some solace in what I've typed because it feels embarrassingly strange to be so vulnerably revealing of myself. But if I knew it helped anyone I would scream it from the hills. Don't encourage her right guys?! Well too bad it's already been written now I will post it and hope someone, anyone finds the peace they seek.
stay with me wysteria17, trying to get to the place i relate to u on. I am a huge satellite dish. Some weeks i forget that is what 'innately' happens to me so i do the freak, ranging from jeepers creepers i'm a nut job to the freaks, where anxiety is in every breath i take. i had to find ways to deal. detoxed off everything and started to allow myself to feel it all. i still limit all negative influences, be them people I know or sound bites of news. embarrassingly enough i've had to limit my outer world intake to celebrity news because their world is pseudo real and harmeless to me. It takes mind control. In the beginning of developong this practice, meaning admitting I had the control and was going to use it, it was April 2007, 5 mos before i detoxed from all the drugs - at once > 12 days of hell no sleep zombified. it was good i started the mind exercises before detox. because till that point i couldnt go into my garage without seeing my body hanging from the rafters or my body sitting in my car with exhaust fumes surrounding me. I was unable to imagine surviving the drugs and admitting that I was an intuitive that would be shown things while I sleep and or WORSE - things dropped into my ears from my guides while awake. these are not imagined voices. they are instead bits and pcs of guidance that dont originate from within myself and keep me safe, help me financially all positive guidance; avoid him or dont take that route,etc,
so when i say i relate to anxiety you can see why. I hated living numbed - dumbed down and seeing my dead body 'to be' in my garage - moved out of that house, it held too many memories I couldn't deal with then. Now i could then no. too cuz it was a beautiful house with a pool.
sounds like you need to get away from your mom's influence/presence, however that has to happen. like ignore, return pills, or move. U said u plan to. I am happy for you that you know there is a better way to live and you are just going to choose it. we forget we have ultimate choice control. choice over what we consume, whom surrounds us, what we look at/listen to and whom we draw to us.
i said this a couple days ago - adnauseaum on another rspnse post; we attract to us what we are like, what we want, etc. at a semiconscious level or at full bore awareness level. I even question if i manifested diseases in my dna default early on in life so I could get numbing agents by physicians; so I could just blend into the background of my own life. Am working well at this mind mngmnt and have been for 7 years. every 7yrs we begin a new lifecycle - how exciting for me, just thought if that, I digress.
We have ultimate control over what we think. Our thoughts lead to feelings. We must control our thoughts to avoid those feelings that lead to anything not positive or good - period! It took about 6 mos to catch myself everytime I had a negative thought. it was a full time job to manage my thoughts. taking responsibility of what we allow to go on in our heads is a full time job only at first. Then, OH 'then' it becomes natural.:) you sense what is beginning, a hint of anxiety and you make your conscious mind take over and not permit those feelings to let thoughts of worry creep in. It is a job at first, but for the mentally evolved it becomes a fun challenge. Success is inevitable if you just work the mind and use a mere portion of our abundant brain cells.
Anxiety, depression may be from different causes. Specifically if a chemical imbalance exists. I do not have an imbalance chemically, just an intuitive 24/7 OVERLOAD. I say that because I know, not everyone is like me, heck I've been sufffering to accept that for over 4 decades. But i know that anxiety can be controlled and eliminated permanently w/out drugs.
Believe in your powerful mind. God made we creatures of this era to manage what is going on around us without it creeping into our skin and polluting our souls. The real trick is the mental tool box.
First become aware, when any negativity starts - wherever it starts from within u somewhere, you gut? your head? Then they both work together against you and pow anxiety blows up. Sit with the feeling and it seeps into your being.
I instead have a mental toolbox. I dont have to use it much anymore. I began with a list of 10 things written down that bring me or brought me great comfort and joy. I took 5 of the 10 thougts and memorized them. whenever i feel any negativity I mean even sense it's near I use my toolbox and take control because ultimately I am the end of the line, the last defense. We all have the gift of peace within. It just takes practice of managing your conscious mind. The management then becomes a hobby. When I see people reminding me of old pcs of me, I just laugh rather than judge or internalize. When I feel the creep of the negative I know that it didnt/doesn't originate from within me but instead from our carazy world we live in. There IS peace for you ALL the time WHEREVER you go and it lies within you. It is your God given right. Society makes it close to impossible to remember that.
Slow down, watch the sun rise, the sun set, and EXERCISE! because it brings you into a meditative state. Try and do it outside and speak to mother nature, cuz she's there and she listens. oh so totally there. We have just paved over her and made her into parking lots. I have to remember to look for the good in everyone and when I stumble across a soul that is harmful I literally discard them. Their junk will not get close enough to rot or touch my inner light.
Hope ypu find some solace in what I've typed because it feels embarrassingly strange to be so vulnerably revealing of myself. But if I knew it helped anyone I would scream it from the hills. Don't encourage her right guys?! Well too bad it's already been written now I will post it and hope someone, anyone finds the peace they seek.
I just wanted to say hi and welcome! You have done great already by posting, reading literature, and making the decision to quit. This site is a Godsend and it helped me a lot to post and read. The people here are very caring and supportive and will be honest with you. Great to meet you and hope you keep posting :)
Hello and welcome! One thing that caught my attention reading your post was
what to do when you feel some strong emotions and you want a drug. My advice: Don't. Sounds simple, and it is. No matter what, just don't use. You
obviously have given this a great deal of thought, and now you're ready for some action. First thing: DON'T PICK UP a DRUG. No matter what. What do I do when I'm feeling shaky and I want to take something? Call someone and talk about it. Go to a meeting and talk about it. Pick up a pen and paper and write exactly what's in my head on the paper. Amazing how the power of those feelings begins to evaporate when we take some action. Each day, tell yourself you won't take anything for that one day. Repeat this each morning and the days will add up. Keep posting. I think we have a slot for one more addict around here!
what to do when you feel some strong emotions and you want a drug. My advice: Don't. Sounds simple, and it is. No matter what, just don't use. You
obviously have given this a great deal of thought, and now you're ready for some action. First thing: DON'T PICK UP a DRUG. No matter what. What do I do when I'm feeling shaky and I want to take something? Call someone and talk about it. Go to a meeting and talk about it. Pick up a pen and paper and write exactly what's in my head on the paper. Amazing how the power of those feelings begins to evaporate when we take some action. Each day, tell yourself you won't take anything for that one day. Repeat this each morning and the days will add up. Keep posting. I think we have a slot for one more addict around here!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome to the forum. I am really glad you finally posted. You can and will get your life back. It is hard work but it is worth it.
Some people work thru their anxiety with yoga, music, exercise etc. I found music and exercise to be very helpful for me.
Your mom is going to be a trigger for you but there are things you can do for that too. Does your fiance know about your addiction?
Some people work thru their anxiety with yoga, music, exercise etc. I found music and exercise to be very helpful for me.
Your mom is going to be a trigger for you but there are things you can do for that too. Does your fiance know about your addiction?
Sry no clue why my phone is changing my spelling.The last sentence is to stay with us
There is an amazing woman on this forum whp has been extremely sucessful quitting these.I had a different drug I abused(lortab which caused a lot of headaches on top of my migraines)I took fironal daily as prescribed,never abused them by the grace of god but I didnt know the dangers until I came here.Im lucky I found out.I went from taking them daily to weekly then bi weekly but the more I thought about it and the obvious threat of cross addiction/changing to a different drug the more worried I got.I havent taken any n over6weeks now and domt plan to EVER take them again.U can do the same.I too got my1st script because my mom was with me at the doctor and aaid to him thats what I needed BECAUSE she had given them to me from hers many times before so I can relate.Like u moms issues r another story.I found that if I get a bad headache excedrim really does help BUT watch ur caffiene intake right now it does seem to raise the anxiety.Please keep posting and atay with us.This med doesnt get enough attention and we need you here.
I can completely relate to bad anxiety.Have u ever thought of seeing an addictiom specialist?I am doing what works for me which isnt traditional NA meetings(although I see it helps SO many people&I would suggest that immediately as a very sucessful aftercare plan).Im much more comfortable one on one.Its just a thought that may work for you.I can say the anxiety WILL lessen im time after you quit.Im sorry I forgot to say welcomeTo the forum btw.
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