My heart hurts

[watermom]

My daughter just said something to me and it broke my heart.  She said "Mommy why aren't I scared of you anymore"  OMG.....I KNEW my moods were becoming erractic the last few months.....she was afraid of my moods (not of me physically).....

This makes me so sick to my stomach.  I didn't need any more convincing to stay cleane.....but I got it.  The one thing I always said is that I would be a good mom because I didn't have one really......and I was up until the last 6 months.......I am not even going to tell my husband what she said....he will be really upset.  

Oh she is going to be 4 next week.  I think I am going to throw up

[worried878]

touching....sad I know but kids are so brutally honest!   You know quitting something that hard is also something to be proud of....my friend...I have never met her but we talk on the phine...has been in the OD situation ...everything   her daughter is now 26...she has been clean a year but used for more than 15.quitting/relapsing...i can feel she is done...her daughter said that she respects her mom more than anyone...because she was so strong to be able to do this...she respects her

[worried878]

touching....sad I know but kids are so brutally honest!   You know quitting something that hard is also something to be proud of....my friend...I have never met her but we talk on the phine...has been in the OD situation ...everything   her daughter is now 26...she has been clean a year but used for more than 15.quitting/relapsing...i can feel she is done...her daughter said that she respects her mom more than anyone...because she was so strong to be able to do this...she respects her

[here4info]

Hi,
I have been clean since 3 days befor x-mas. I read about your Daughter, all the comments to you about this. I see all these people get it and so do I. It tears your heart out doesnt it. My son told me it was like I just didnt want him anymore. I was like that is so not true your my life and when I said it I realized that I wasnt acting like it cause I was so numb and gosh I hated the world. I felt like I couldnt get up in the morning without 1 to 3 vicodene, ect., what  a terrible place to be in. I have a halloween picture of my son with his class at school...I was about to loose evrything cause of the pills...DIVORCE...I was living with my sister for awhile. In this picture my sons face says it all he looks so damn sad......I put that picture on my mirror on my dresser to remind me of what I put him through and it crushes me...he is 8 and his name is Josh....So yes I understand. I wish you all the best.  

[runt316]

I think its a great thing that happened...it means that you are almost back to being you. Don't beat yourself up over it. I have friends who are not addicts who have experienced similar things w/ their children. I think it comes w/ being a parent. You're feeling guilt because of the personal pain you're going thru. But it's a good sign that you're kids are getting their mommy back. It's easy to explain to children that what had been happening in last 6 months had nothing to do w/ them or your love for them. It reassures them & makes them feel safe that they were not the cause of it. You've gone thru this hell for 8 days now & that is such a great accomplishment. You've stuck to it because of those kids. So don't be too hard on yourself when you're doing it all for them (& you too). They love you & will remember the mommy they get back, not the one who was vacant for 6 months. Keep it up! I'm proud of you!

[Lyn212]

wow, maybe your little girl said that to you, so you would post it on this site, and look how many people it will help motivate...who knows, but that is very powerful...thank you for sharing that, it must have been so difficult for you to hear that. I wonder if my kids feel that way...how could they not I guess.  That is so sad. Are you feeling better, how many days clean are you now?  You really inspire me.  

[toxictome]

We do not wish to forget the past, nor shut the door on it...we DO NOT want to FORGET where we came from.....this is all the more reason to stay clean...bless her heart. Hopefully when she's 8 she really won't even remember that anymore.....
don't let the shame bring you down.....that is one of my BIG triggers....
You are doing good...be proud of yourself!!!

[watermom]

nicely said ......Lots of hugs to you lostmarbles.....Thank you from the bottom of my heart......

[lostmarbles]

well darling, sometimes it's the horrid price we have to pay... but my God I appreciate what I have now, moreso than ever before I actually took the meds..thank you for your comment, it is very much appreciated.. and really, I am so sorry you felt sick.. I understood straight away when you posted..your daughter sounds like a little angel and you ARE a fantastic mum.. we did what we did right? no going back, but what a great future we have to look forward to.. especially having gone through so much, we can better see what's ahead of us and guide our children to a far better place... if this has shown me anything it's that my heart has swollen with immense love and pride towards my girls.. our hearts are not numb anymore.. what was the lesson we had to learn in all of this? who knows, but I do know that for whatever reason, our lives and that of our children/family are so very precious...I wish you love and luck and thank you for posting x

[watermom]

Thanks....everyone..I appreciate the kind words.

Lost Marbles......I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal.  That is horrible on so many levels.  I am happy you are clean but I am sorry it had to be such a rough road to get there.  My heart goes out to you.

I did pick my daughter up when she said this and asked why she was scared of mommy...she said "your forehead and nose"......hmmmmm  I told her you never have to be scared of mommy.....I said that I just had the "suds" as we call a cold or sickness (from spongebob).....and I was grumpy.  Then we went for a long walk.  

Pain pills are sooo weird.  They give you the energy you need to clean...take care physically of your children and house etc. But you become somewhat vaccuous.  I could give hugs etc...but my heart became numb.....not a good thing.  Live and learn I suppose.    

[mimi1313]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you feel except more determined than ever to stay away from pills. Your daughter is getting her mom back and that is awesome.

[VicUser]

Sounds like a happy meal night, go and celebrate being back

[cathy5841]

watermom thankfully you are getting off the sh*t and going back to being a wonderful mom.  always keep that statement with you, so when the cravings come on you have ammo to fight it with.  i am so happy for you, life is fixin to be much better for you.
cathy

[lostmarbles]

oh no don't throw up.. i know it's awful but hey, she's talking to you about it, bless her.. i just wasn't 'there' at all for my kids.. they are a little older than yours, my youngest is 6 the oldest nearly 13 and they said they were 'happy their mum was back' imagine... it was sweet but sad as I had disappeared and happy mum had turned into a zombie for 3 years... that's three years out of their lives where I couldn't even function, was erratic, couldn't speak at all... the house was silent.. awful, awful, awful...it is a huge wake up call when the little 'uns say something like this... but you know what? she is young enough to hopefully not remember this... i woke up in hospital after being unconscious for 3 days a few weeks ago, to find my eldest, Lolly, at the end of the bed sobbing, I had taken an overdose and was on a hear machine.. the doctors didn't know if I would make it and they talked around my daughter so she knew exactly what was going on.. for the rest of my life I will never know what that did to her...

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

How long you been clean 8 days? You think the pills are putting you in a good mood then when you lose that buzz you can get so ill and nasty. I know your heart hurts but at least you have decide to change:-) Give her a big hug

[Flutterby111]

OMG, I think I'M going to cry.  There's the REASON, right there.  RIGHT FLIPPIN THERE.  'nuff said.