The first test

[ruthhr]

So, I think the universe just tested my resolve, and I think I passed the test. And I wanted to share it.
My parents have been staying with us since meltdown day, and my Mum has had two knee replacements and arthritis in her hips so she is prescribed co-codamol 30/500 (codeine/paracetamol) although I know she hasn't taken it recently. However, she sometimes has some with her if she's going to be active and they're helping us to decorate our front bedroom as a distraction for me and because it was a damp revolting hole and needed sorting.
Now, that is one combo I NEVER abused because of the paracetamol content, but here's the thing - a 'normal' dose of that (2 tabs) would give 60mg codeine without exceeding the paracetamol dose and that would be a reasonable 'boost' to my current severely curtailed allowance, which I am managing with okay although I feel a bit cruddy, truth be told.
So anyway, I went to the loo which is right next to our bath and Mum's toiletries bag was balanced on the edge of the bath with the zip open and I knocked it off with my elbow into the bath. When I picked it up, the stuff inside - soap, toothbrush and paste etc - shifted...
...and there was a strip of these 30/500 tabs.
I started shaking like you would not believe. But I didn't touch them. I had to pee anyway but if I hadn't gone as I'd intended I would have wet my pants. I dropped that wash bag like a hot rock, then sat on the loo and wondered what to do. I hadn't seen the whole strip so I didn't know if any were missing, and if there were and I said something, how would I prove I hadn't taken any?
Because I'll tell you this, the thought did not cross my mind. Not even for one second. My only worry was how to deal with the situation. If I said nothing but then someone else found them they'd know they had been there and would wonder if I knew and had said nothing, Then if there were some missing, it would look even more suspicious. But unless that strip was full, even if I DID say something, how would I prove I hadn't taken them? And I didn't dare look at the strip in case touching it would make me do something I'd regret.
Good job I was on the loo, because I just about sh*t myself, I can tell you.
Well, what I did was this: I went straight downstairs and told my husband what I'd seen. I told him I didn't know if the strip was full or not because I hadn't touched it, but if it wasn't, it was nothing to do with me because I hadn't taken any and all I could ask him to do was believe me. I asked him to either remove them himself or ask Mum to do it because I'm okay right now but I don't know what I might get like as things progress - there may come a point when I will ask for them to be removed from the house altogether but at the moment, although I know they're somewhere upstairs, I don't feel any desire to go and find them. They frighten me more than tempt me.
Hub went and spoke with my Mum and together they went and removed them. Mum had forgotten they were there and I know she feels bad although I've told her it's okay - this problem is mine, not hers, she needs the drugs legitimately and I won't see her denying herself the pain relief she needs, but I need her to help me by not placing unnecessary temptation in my path. I stood in the kitchen while they did this, shook like a leaf and waited for the axe to fall.
When hub came back he told me it wasn't a full strip, because I asked, at which point I just about had an anxiety attack and begged him to believe I hadn't taken any. He told me he believed me 100% but my anxiety is only just under control at the moment and I was pretty close to the edge all the way through dinner.
He saw this, got me on my own and told me he knew I hadn't taken any the moment I came and told him. But he also knew because it was a very old strip and the edges of the blisters where the paper/foil had torn (yeah, they were THAT old) when the tablets were originally popped out were clearly not new because they were grubby from being in the bottom of the wash bag for so long. I told him I'd swithered a bit about saying something, and why, and he totally understood, but he hasn't stopped telling me how proud he is of me all evening.
It feels good, really good, to deserve his love and trust for the first time in ages and to prove my commitment to getting off the codeine.
And, of course, to give The Beast the most almighty, righteous kick in the nuts. If The Voice comes back, it's going be falsetto for a bit ;-)

[ricart70]

You did a good job with that situation. Sounds like You are serious about this and that will help you immensely. Keep doing the right thing and soon You will be reaping the benefits  ;))    

[Sonrissa]

Hi Ruth, I think you did exactly the right thing, as difficult as it was. You got away from the pills, told your husband, was honest, and got those pills out of the house. Well done. Life will continue to throw you curveballs. As long as you have a good plan of attack, and follow it exactly, you will make it through every time. Stay focused on your goal, and always keep your head up and aware of the next curveball.

Congratulations,  and take care. You are doing great!

[ariley13]

Way to kick that beast squarely in his a$$!!

[CRSeaside]

You've got a great family. Mine is always in such a state of denial, nothing like your experience would be possible for me.
  Keep it up !! Pamela

[ruthhr]

'Belt', not 'best'.
Anxiety, depression AND rubbish typing. Jeezo.

[ruthhr]

Thanks guys - not planning to rest on my laurels but I didn't want to let this one just pass by as it's such early days and the Beast is biting deep just now so to whichever flying spaghetti monster sanctioned it, this was a bit below the best. But, you know, small victories ;-)

[Soulmindandbody86]

I'm so proud of you!!! Great job!

[ariley13]

I am proud of you and you should be very proud of yourself. There will be many, many tests and trials along the way. Keep your guard up and stay strong. Keep pushing forward and never, ever look back!

[ROSYouralright]

Thank you so much for sharing this! Be proud of yourself! You did great!