Lortab 10 Addiction/Depression

[usmlucky]

Ok here is a little background to me:  I am about to begin Law School and I am a fairly successful poker player who has used poker to pay for school.  Unfortunately I have also used poker to fund my addiction for the most part.  Here is how my addiction began:

I have always been unattractive and have been depressed my whole life.  All of my friends are good looking guys who have no problems with girls (and they treat them like garbage for the most part).  I had a 9 month relationship 5 years ago and that has been my only relationship my entire life.  I went through my entire undergrad without having one date.  I have attempted suicide twice in my life, once in high school and once in college.  My doctor prescribes me a regiment of Zoloft (SSRI antidepressants) to counter my depression and it works ok.  Anyway, back to how my painkiller addiction began.  I had to have my gall bladder removed about a year ago and I was prescribed 60 blue Watson 540s.  Well I took them as prescribed, but they made me feel fantastic about myself and worked far better than my Zoloft did (although I still take the Zoloft).  Well, after I ran out of the 60 I was prescribed, I feigned pain for a couple of months to my grandmother who has arthritis and gets several a month and was more than happy to give them to me.  Well I began to tolerate them quite a bit and eventually found a dealer.  At this point I am taking nearly 15 a day.  Money is not an issue because of my success playing poker (something which Lortabs actually help quite a bit.  My mind is clearer and I am more patient.  My ROI jumped from 17% to 31% when I became and addict lol).  I am extremely lonely and the Lortabs make me feel much better about not having anyone.  I am well aware that the acetaminophen is wreaking havoc on my liver right now, but the fact that I go back and forth between mild depression and suicidal doesn't make me care much about that either.  The one person or thing that I care dearly about is my mother and she is aware of my addiction.  She is heartbroken by it and I want to get clean for her.  I am going to taper off of the drug to minimize the withdrawals I experience.  She is literally the only reason I am getting off of them.  Oh and by the way, before this I did not do anything that would be considered mind altering.  I have never smoked weed.  Never been drunk or anything like that.  I feel like I became an addict on accident and I am not a part of what would be the "drug culture."

I have two questions for you guys though:

1.  Do you guys have any advice to help me along the way?

2.  Do you guys have any advice on how to better deal with my depression?  I feel like a girlfriend would be the best remedy, but even though I am in Law School, have an IQ of 140 and am a quite successful poker player who makes more money than probably anyone else my age (22), girls just do not find me attractive I guess.  I just don't want to get off of the painkillers and let that lead to a successful suicide attempt.

2.

[usmlucky]

Oh you will get no argument from me, I am a very self aware human being and I know I'm an addict.  No question nor defense.  I was driving at a different point when I said the thing about hiding it.  He was implying that my addiction was a possible cause for me being single and I would argue the reverse of that bc the knowledge of my addiction hasn't reached my peers.  That's all.  

[Fireby29]

Hi there and welcome.  You have gotten some good advice, but I want to point out some things to you that stood out for me.  It really does not matter how much you are taking, nor how well you can or cannot hide it.  I can understand what you are getting at, but it really is only a crutch to minimize the addiction.  I did the same things for a long time.  Sorry to be blunt, but you are a addict.  The good news is you can defeat this and come out on the other side.  It sounds like you have some great stuff, like law school, going on.  Decide that you are worth fighting for, because you are.  

Bryan

[usmlucky]

Pat thank you for the great post.  The only thing I would disagree with is my ability to hide my addiction.  I am a big guy (6'3" 275) and I handle the drugs well.  I only take large amounts when I'm alone.  I only take around 3 when I'm out and about and I am fully functional and not impaired at all.  The only person who knows about my problem aside from family is my best friend and it's only because I confided in him about it.  Other than that, I took a lot of positivity from your post.  Thank you.  

[waterLilly7]

wow, what Pat said!
I can't do better than that, LOL, yes, thre comes a time when you don't go for looks anymore, and some girls never do. My daughter is a teen, and she is one of them, I mean, she likes the cute celebrities, but in her life she picks the ones with personality and who treat her well.
Once you get clean and are strong on your own, then it will be time to be there for someone else, but you can't be there for someone else if you are not there for you first.
once you get clean, and get your self esteem back you will find that things fall into place.
good luck and God bless,
Lily

[smiles4eva]

Check your inbox :)

[Pat1956100]

Would you be attracted to someone who was high all the time?  We think that we don't act high but we do.  We think that noone notices but they do.
Try getting clean, become a lawyer and I guarantee you, someone will find you attractive and love you unconditionally.  You sound very intelligent and all women are not just attracted to looks.  Yes maybe when we are teenagers but the older we get we realize how nice it is to carry on an intelligent conversation with someone.  We also wonder what happened to those "nice guys" that we rejected when we were young and stupid.
You have a great life ahead of you and a big step towards it will be getting off the pills.  

[Bkitty]

Hi and Welcome! I really feel that if you can get the depression under control that would help with the addiction. I was severly depressed and I saw a psychiatrist and was put on a cocktail of medication and it has helped me tremendously! ((hugs))~Bkitty

[On2better]

Hi and welcome :)  one thing you said really jumped out at me.  You said you were only quitting for your mother, and that is a guaranteed path to another relapse. Why not quit for YOU? With your depression and thoughts of suicide, I would definitely recommend seeing a psych.. Someone who understands the neurology of what you're experiencing and who can put you on meds to detox and treat your depression more effectively.  Listen, all of us have felt like superheroes when we use! But life in control with a clear mind is so much better! Overcoming addiction is a major confidence building experience. Then everything else (girlfriend, social life) falls into place. Keep posting, we're here for you