my older brother is about to be kicked out on the street at 36 years old

[sms216]

Hi, i'm new here and i sometimes have come to copy + paste some of the stories onto a printed sheet of paper just for my elderly foreigner parents to be able to read for themselves that they are not alone. Figured i'd make a post and see if it sticks. I'm 28, my brother is 36, it's just the two of us. I'm about to have my first born in a few weeks, so maybe that's why i'm more emotional.

My brother also has a 14 year old who I love to pieces and feels like my kid for all intensive purposes, since my brother left him for a 3 year stint when he was age 2-6 just to go out to Vegas and do nothing other than bum around and sap money from my parents at the casinos

He's been an addict for 20 years now, first incident being in 7th grade he was expelled for selling marijuana or seeds or both. Multiple times landed in trouble with the law. His main substance of choice has been Xanax, weed which I believe he is one of those people who simply cannot handle it and it adversely affects his mental health and he is way too extreme/addictive of a person to be able to do anything mild without it becoming over the top. He has always been into motorcycles, went skydiving at 18, that type of person. anyway. He has been baker acted twice, once 10 years ago and my parents gave him the ultimatum of getting treatment or leaving home so that's when he left to Vegas. Came back and my parents recognize it was a mistake to take him back in. Now its been 8 years since they took him back and he's made zero progress, regressed, and has taken over the upstairs and made it his dark drug den where he isolates himself, covers the windows with a dark tint and never turns lights on, converted a closet into an office where he has convinced himself he 'works tirelessly' making rap albums... he was misdiagnosed with bipolar and schizphrenia at a young age but from my own background and research i know these are all BS... his withdrawal from the Xanax is what causes hallucinations and delusion and being high on it is no different really, we just see less of him. He's always been agressive, so many holes upstairs in the wall, he's put hands on me before, he talks to his son about super inappropriate things and has offered him pot, thankfully my nephew knows better and has gotten to a point where he really resents him and calls him names, strongly dislikes him and has zero respect for him, which for its own reasons also makes me sad. I try to validate him by hearing him vent about his dad's abnormal lifestyle and choices, behaviors, but i find myself walking a thin line between being supportive and validating him and also not wanting to poison him to hate his father even more. I have a lot of resentment for my brother, he was my big brother and all i could remember wanting growing up was that protective figure who would look out for me, show me the ropes to life, and actually want to hang out with me. Instead he was very selfish, in his own world of partying, not really caring a whole lot what would happen to me, i was disillusioned from a young age and it only got worse when i realized my brother went from being the 'cool' guy in his formative high school years to an absolute loser who lives with his parents at almost age 40 and who has not even read a book in the last 10 years. He eats garbage food which doesn't help his health or biochemical processes, he would go back and forth between alcohol, benzos, weed, and we found him overdosed when i was 9, so he was 18, in his car where he almost died had we not gotten there in time to get in where he was sealed in with no oxygen. He's taken acid and other hard drugs since high school too. Currently he has no friends, no cell phone most of the time that works because no one even calls him, he has isolated himself so much that he no longer is speaking to me or my parents or his own son. Last november my dad baker acted him again and confirmed he's on Xanax and weed, but he managed to get a prescription for it so the judge tossed it and didn't really care, and emboldened him to think that he needs it or something. He's totally selfish, has put me and my parents through hell the last 20 years and now opnely says he is never leaving and plans to continue sponging off of them and their retirement until they either die or move away and leave him with their house... a nice beautiful home that my dad designed btw, with a lot of love that went into the selection of things like the cabinets, floors, counters, etc, that my mom picked. and he has become the ghost upstairs who haunts the whole damn place with his dark energy and his arrogance. He really thinks he has no problem. No one talks to him bc he gets violent and throws fits and my parents are just too old and tired to even want to engage with that. I feel bad, my dad doesn't have the vigor for the yelling matches that they used to get into. He just wants peace, and my brother is robbing us all of our peace

I finally convinced my parents enough is enough and that they need to do something. So, first, they wrote him a letter and told him in an empowering way that they really believe in him, in his potential, and that they want him to be independent, that they no longer wish to live with anyone, they are older and would like to enjoy their retirement with privacy and not having roomates, and they told him he had 30 days to find a job. They even said if he manages to get going with one, he can stay longer just  to be able to save up first and last so that their next step would be to move him out to his own place. They reallly thought this out with me in order to ensure success, and not just to boot him out at 36 only to fail. He yelled,screamed, threw stuff when he read it, and then proceeded to completely ignore them and essentially call their bluff, go back to making his 'music' and isolate even more. So now the 30 days have passed and they are about to file the unlawful detainer to forcibly remove him because he openly tells his son he is not going anywehre. THat will be ugly when it happens

I just had a dream this morning that he was homeless on the corner by my house and had the sign, i am struggling with all the feelings. My parents are such good parents, my father conservative and my mother a devout Catholic who only ever loved us and did the best tehy could to provide, I feel so much for them, more than for myself. I also feel for my nephew. I've never gone to counseling or anything over this, i feel like the psychiatrists have contributed so much to his problem by prescribing him these Benzos that i hve lost faith in the system alltogether to even hear me. Help please. If he gets kicked out he has a truck but i worry we will hear that he either died, got beaten up, overdosed, or never know one way or another. He is so stubborn and is so convinced that he's right and that he doesn't need others' advice that it scares me whether he will ever see clearly. Also with his age, it has become a way of life. His attitude problem is the worst.  but its become a full blown personality now.

[GuitarRox]

My honest opinion is that you offer support and help to your parents if they ask for it.  Are you worried that he's going to get the house when they die because he's there rather than it going to you or the proceeds to you?  If your parents have a will, that will will speak to what happens with the house. I do agree it is sad for them to see their son like this and to live like this with him.  But understand, it's complicated. It may also be horrible for them to think about him trying to survive elsewhere. That's the issue of codependency and these living arrangements with parents. They love him, feel bad for him and know that without them, he'd have a hard time surviving. Your brother likely does have some type of mental health disorder or neurological issue like undiagnosed autism. Anyway, my point is that unless your parents ask for help, I'd tread lightly. It's sad what has happened to your brother's life. And he has a son living with him? Where's the boy's mom?  

[motye51]

Xanax is one of the hardest drugs to come off of, even over heroin.  It MUST be medically supervised b/c it will cause seizures if done to quickly.  Your parents (and you) are in a boat that lots of parents are in.  They want to "tough love" b/c we know it's what were supposed to do........but what if MY kid is the one that doesn't succeed.  What if MY kid is the one that dies.  In all honesty, your brother is dying anyways.  I know it scary so please don't think that I believe it should be an easy choice as to what to do.  He called their bluff, as do most addicts b/c it usually works.  We bury an addict almost every day where I live and I live in a nice suburban area.  Drugs do not discriminate nor are they choosy.  And I'm sorry, but at 36, he should have a valid diagnosis if this is bi-polar, schizophrenia, etc.... why couldn't he just be a good old fashioned drug addict?  I'm just not sure finding a label is going to do anything?  Making him hit his bottom will though, even just to learn the idea that he has no control over anything?