Avatar universal

Lost without Vics

I have been reviewing the posts here and am not surprised to see so many people with a Vic problem.

Without going into to much drama about myself; the details aren't important, all I can say is at 53 years old, I have found myself in an uncomfortable position in life. I am starting over from ground zero. Everything I owned, loved and knew in my old life is gone. My health is failing, I used to be a real "gym-rat". At about age 50, I learned to trian properly, eat everything I could to gain, (I have a very fast metabolism); at 5' 4" I weighed 170 lbs and benched easily 250 lbs. I had such a strong personality and my new physic landed me a part time job as a bar bouncer.

I had my thyroid removed a couple years ago, and although I was battling depression before that, once the thyroid was gone, I plunged into uncontrollable depression. I had no motivation to live any longer, I couldn't force food down my throat, became very reclusive and fearful of the world outside my door. I soon lost all the muscle I worked so hard to gain, I dropped form 170 to 125 lbs. In a very short time

I have no hobbies, no interests, and nothing at all gives me any kind of pleasure or peace. I am on disability and consequently can't afford to do much of anything, not that I care to anymore.

My new wife, (no comparison to the former wife of 29 years), introduced me to Vicodinland. I found that by taking 2 7.5s, I could manage the simple tasks of life, such as bathing, balancing my checkbook, etc.

I got my Dr. to prescribe me Vicodin along with the already prescribed Soma for back pain; which is why I draw SSD.

Before the Vic exposure, I literally could not function, I was a zombie. Smoking 3 packs a day drinking coffee all day and often sitting in the dark staring at a TV that may or may not have been on.

Anyway, to the point. I have been diagnosed in severe clinical depression. The counselors and shrinks are no help.
I tried celexa and most recently zoloft fot the depression to no avail. I am tired of the experimental treatment and have found that the only thing that helps to motivate me are the Vics. I start my day at about 6 a.m. by popping 2 7.5s on an empty stomach, (otherwise they don't do anything). I drink a few cups of coffee and smoke a bunch and wait for the buzz. YEAH I'M HOOKED! I am just glad to find a place I can admit it anonymously. I can't let my friends or old family know my secret. Life really *****.

Without the Vicodin, I have racing thoughts; all terror of what my life is becoming, how long do I have, will my grown sons ever accept me again. Thoughts of my former "good" life depress me to tears.

I take more Vicodin than I am supposed to in a day, and sweat out the last 4 or 5 days before my refills by only have 1 a day to try and survive.

Someone suggested Ridilin for the racing thoughts, but I have heard that is about as addictive as Vicodin. I am in school and trying to build a new life and begin a career once I graduate in a year.

I am completely unable to function without the Vicodin, and that not only angers me that I have become an addict, but it naturally scares me as well.

I don't know why I am even typing this, but I am thankful for this forum. I have gleaned a little info on some vitamin supplements that may help, but my depression is overwhelming.; not to the point that I would ever hurt myself or anyone else, I just curl up in a ball and cry, hoping to go to bed and not wake up the next day to the same vicious cycle over & over each day.

I am not happy with anything about my life or myself, but I am trapped, due to a number of things I have no control over. I won't bore you with the details if you made it this far, I thank you for at least reading my post.

A trapped soul
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Avatar universal
Look at your name.  You know what to do.  Stop with the "trapped soul".  Stop.  Make a plan and pull it together.  Have a tough talk with the person in your looking glass.  Stop.  Just stop.  Yes you can.
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Avatar universal
Hello Iwannawin --   I was just reading your post. You said something very profound - - and dead wrong (hope I don't offend you by telling you this).  You said -  "I am trapped, due to a number of things I have no control over."   I suppose as long as you perceive yourself and your circumstances in this light you are creating the very thing you want 'to win over'.   You are not trapped unless you agree to be trapped and consent to it.  There are always choices and it is just so easy to take the path of least resistance - that of popping a pill for that boost of energy and feeling of 'not being trapped'.  Man, you CAN quit -- you just have to 'wanna win' more than you 'wanna lose'.  A wise person on this site once wrote words that many of us have lived by since she said it --- (I am paraphrasing here)  "When your desire to be clean outweighs your desire to use, you will quit."   She was so right on.  Some of these folks overcame their addiction because they quit believing the big lie -- that they were trapped by forces they had no control over and they felt they 'had' to have that next pill.  Unfortunately, many continue to believe the lie and may fall into the same pit that so many others have gone into.  It is a pit of death --  and it is usually not quick or pretty.  Before he kills you that demon is going to make you die a thousand deaths and rob you of every ounce of dignity you have.  Someone else wrote on this site - "One pill is too many and ten thousand pills are never enough."   I realize that cliche's are not the answer but they do paint a truthful picture.  Iwannawin -- you can win -- you must reach down deep - all the shrinks or counselors can not do the hard work for you -- you have to want it for yourself.  We (everyone on this site) wishes you well and that you indeed will win.  Somehow I think you really have already started on the journey to winning - just by posting -- keep it up - share your story -- read other posts -- All the best.  Ochealed (formerly Ochooked) --- ps -- just a thought but you may try attending church -- make some friends who go regularly -- take the chance.  Don't be judgmental   You CAN do it.
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Avatar universal
ochooked, very very good post...I don't find it offensive , and i hope iwannawin doesn't either....

iwannawin--  I agree by you just posting, you do want to get better .. I agree that counsouling can be good...But YOU have to want all the good things life has to offer first..
As far as the depression, I have been there too..IT is no fun..I have been off and on lexapro for a few years...Happy to say i am off now..Many things have happened in my life the last 7 months that i thought would literally put me in a mental hospital.., OR Worst Start up the poison pills "opiates"  again...I ended up taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to get through some very rough times..I now deal much better with the things I can't change because i have no control over them..Many great people here have helped me get there...Sometimes, i look around me , like other families i know personnal that have had so much tradegy's in their families, that mine are molehills compared to theirs...Then i think If i were to put all of my troubles in a pile with the others, I would be more then happy to pick mine back up and move on...Sometimes we look for that magic answer, magic pill, or vitamin, when really we have to dig really deep for the strenght we all have, and push forward..if you pray, then pray.....Also, to me the best thing to do is try and keep busy, keep your mind busy...YOU CAN WIN!!!
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Avatar universal
It would advance your personal cause if you worked at changing a few things. I quit a hydro habit between 20-35 10mg per day.......so I know it can be done. But you are the one that must do it. We can tell you how to lessen the w/d's and give you tips on other stuff. And we can support you and even understand where you are coming from. But you gotta do it. All the other things are window dressing. No vitamins, supplements, or different flavor pills are available to negate the work. But doing the work is so worthwhile. You really do get your life back from the pills.  Stick around, keep posting, and get your own life back...............
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