Relapsed and very upset about it

[TimmyVD]

I am going through so many different emotions right now. Anger, hurt, guilt, sadness, and anst. I was doing so well, four months clean. I let work get to me. I saw it coming like a freight train. I don't want to play the blame game, but just for a moment, just for a second I just have to point the finger. This friggin' lady man...this lady would not leave me alone. I mean I am already anxious about my job because I work for small company, I work for a misogynistic boss AND I'm six months pregnant (please...spare me the lecture about being pregnant and using...I have managed to beat myself up enough about it). Then here comes this freaking lady with her sensitive self and I have to constantly be on my toes so I don't offend her. It just got so bad that I just couldn't take it...I just couldn't cope with it.

I just wound up making the situation at work worse. Of course when I use my bravado is out of control. I went to an impromptu doctors appointment on Thursday...I was gone for 3, almost 4 hours! I missed a conference call and everything. Not to make excuses, but my boss blew it off too. He wasn't at work on Thursday or Friday.I guess it was good that I went because I have to get an MRI but STILL...why did I have to dash out of work THEN I called out on Friday! I suffer from generalized anxiety so worry for me isn't normal...its out of control and scary. My head is pounding, I feel sick, IBS is flaring...ugh I'm a mess and I feel like pure hell physically. I can't even tell my therapist about my relapse because I don't want any problems in regard to my child.

Those of you who are reading this, and if you are having a weak moment...DON'T DO IT. The afternath isn't worth it. Why would you want to feel like this to deal with a problem that would have only lasted a short time? You can get past it....dont relapse!

In case your wondering my DOC is xanax...I know, I know. Xanax? How can one abuse that? Well I do...to me its like alcohol in a pill. If I take enough its like Im drunk. A mess. I had 10 1mg pills that I took over a period of three days. Thank goodness I dont have any cravings for more. This won't happen again.

Thanks so much you guys for listening to my ranting and complaining! It does help :-)

[TimmyVD]

YES! It has recently become a trigger for me. This new person really affected my comfort zone a lot. However, I cannot quit my job because I am pregnant and I need the benefits and the short term disability. Now, on the flip side of that I cannot let this place affect my soberity either (which it already has). I think I can stick it out for the remaining 2.5 months I have left until maternity leave. I just have to remain resilient and not let things reel out of control like they did in this situation.

I also been having some little family problems (extended family) but I nipped that in the bud too...so I'm hoping this will aleivate some of the stress I have been experiencing because stress and anxiety over a prolonged period of time is a definitely trigger for me.

[broknbck]

It sounds like you are pretty unhappy with your job. and it was a trigger?

I have learned through all this that there are some things we cannot change and just have to deal with. Like you are having a baby.(not to say that is a bad thing)

And there are some things that we can change. Like your job. Everyone seems to think that the job they are in is the only job around for them-ever. It is pretty ridiculous when you really think about it.

[avisg]

band is right next tme come on here we will do our best to hlep you threw ,we all need help sometimes thats what we are here for ;)
avi

[bandnmom]

No one is perfect, we all make  a poor choice here and there. Just learn from it!! Like you just said, you could ave found another way to deal with the situation, and that is exactly what we have all had to do. Next time come on here and post. It really does help and you will get so much support. Hang in there and stay strong. Good luck to you and that lil' one you are carrying. Just think, you will be holding he/she real soon. That alone is a good reason to be done with it all.

[wait2long]

we all have regrets, like you said - what is done is done...
start new and fresh when your feeling better, ok?
no worries, and thanks for the message...
i'm here if you want to chat more...
talk soon..

[TimmyVD]

I still feel like ****! I'm at work slumped in my cube praying to God no one wants to chat. I stayed holed up in my house all weekend. This is the first time since Thursday I've been outside. I'm guessing it's my body getting its self back together after the relapse but it still ***** pretty bad. I'm hoping that a few days will pass and I will be back to normal.
As far as the pregnancy and the pills are concerned...I'm worried about the harm it will do to the baby (the pills) but more importantly I am more scared about what I do when on those pills. That is far more a cause for concern. I mean they are gone now, and thank goodness I didn't go on a larger binge (or do anything stupid). I just cannot believe I actually decided to put myself back in this position. Unbelievable. It is what it is, and it's done now but geesh! I guess I could have found another way to deal with the situation.

[wait2long]

dont beat yourself up hun...stress can be worse for your unborn child than many are aware of, just start over and get back on the right path,...i found this info that may be helpful to you and ease your mind, i will also send you a private message with the link so you can check things for yourself...
QUESTION:
I’ve heard that benzodiazepines can cause
birth defects like cleft lip and palate. Is this
true?
ANSWER:
Some early data in animals and humans
suggested a slight increase in the risk for
cleft lip and/or cleft palate if a
benzodiazepine was taken during the critical
time of 7 ½ to 14 weeks of the pregnancy.
BUT..Since these early reports, there have been
studies and reviews that have not supported
an association between benzodiazepines and
cleft lip or palate or birth defects in general.
It is generally felt that exposure to a
benzodiazepine does not significantly
increase the risk for birth defects.

having read this, you need to talk to your doctor about something that may help your anxiety that isnt addictive, that seems to be more of a worry for you?...and give you peace of mind without feeling guilty about it...
if you know you will abuse xanax, then you need a better alternative that cant be abused but will still help you...

i bet your excited about the baby...its such a happy time.

good luck to you (and beautiful baby)

[avisg]

How are you doing today ?

[sunshinedaydream3]

sounds like you have alot on you,
totally cant imagine having to go through this thinking about a baby one the way, much less carrying one

i agree with joan,
nothing you can do, and at least you were able to wake up and not get lost in a "binge" that last days/weeks/months

just focus on now, screw the past its done, focus on whats best for you and your kid now

no point in beatin yourself down ;)

[joangy]

I also relapsed after going thru withdrawals... I was fortunate enough to learn my lesson with 1/2 pill of my DOC... but I totally understand all the emotions you are going thru right now (and to be pregnant on top of it-whew!!)

You need to stop beating yourself up about it, what is done is done- now you have to move on and focus on not relapsing again. For me, the relapse was a good thing because it absolutely relieved all my cravings!! The emotions weren't worth how I felt on the drug!

Focus on staying clean now for you and your baby... move forward from here :)

[avisg]

I am sorry if I upset you .I am sure you are upset enough .you are very right your mood will effect the babies . Try to relax beating yourself up will not do either of you any good . concentrate on all of the wonderful times you will have with your baby focus on that let the other things wash away you cant control the past but you can your future ......It can be a great one for your whole family.

[TimmyVD]

PLEASE...I do not want to hear about birth defects and xanax...I do not need that right now. Thanks. I'm not trying to be rude, but I know the risks. I could sit here all night long and write about the things that can cause birth defects. I obess over it constantly. A lot of times I just don't mention my pregnancy because people seem to think this **** gets suddenly easier when you're with child. FYI it gets 10X harder!  Any women that has an active addiction then gets pregnant and remains 100% clean and SANE deserves a gold medal because it is so, so hard.

The pills are gone...they have been since Thursday morning, but unfortunately the emotions that come along with a relapse did not leave with the pills. Of course I'm done with it. I just needed to vent because this is eating away at my nerves and this along with pills is no good for a baby.

[cathy5841]

i am glad it wont happen again.  pleae come and post when things get bad.  you will  get lots of supprt and so many reasons not to use.  glad you were honest to...that makes a big difference.

[avisg]

I am sure you know that xanax is knowen to cause birth defects .how long have you been taking it and how much . Are you ready to go back off of it .If there is anything we can do to help let us know ,you have done it before you can do it again :)
avis