Need MAJOR help or support!

[Teresa1717]

I really need advice/support tonight! I know its slow here today and maybe even just typing this will help me.

My day started off great! Enjoying Christmas with my mom and my family has been fantastic! But, I found out 2 nights ago My cousin was coming into town but she was suppose to be staying in a hotel. Now I just find out thats not the case, that she is staying here with us! This is a problem and I will tell you all why!

She and I used together MANY times and for many years! Infact, she is the one who got me to smoke cocaine when I was 14 years old. She is the one who got me drunk for the first time. She is the one who on many occasions has sold me pills. Her and I use to do everything together until I moved away 10 years ago. Then we would just get high when she would visit or vice versa.  I would many times over the years try to tell her no, but was always unsuccessful. I havent seen her in about 2 years, and havent talked to her at all since I got clean.  

When I got clean, I cut off ALL my ties!! Everyone who I used with, bought from, I told Dr's. Everything! Anything that would be a trigger for me in that regards, I took care of. Except her! She is a trigger, and one I have never been able to say no to! I always idolized her. I wanted to be her. I did! I became her, a drug addict!

I told her earlier today that I was clean, and she just laughed and said "seriously? Oh, well, hows that working for you?"  My parents both know about my recovery, and I have told them alot of things about what using did to me, but they dont know everything! And my cousin does, and Im afraid if I stir too much stuff up with her that she will let those things "slip"

I am really uncomfortable with how this day is turning out and I realy need advice from someone, anyone! I called my sponsor and left her a message, but its Christmas and I really dont want to bother anyone so Im hoping I can reach out here and get some help/advice/support.

[ricart70]

hey I'm here.

[ricart70]

Is there any way you can separate from her in the home.It sounds like she is kind of mean.Great that you are reaching out and not giving in to temptation.I am lucky I guess to be by myself when it comes to this subject.I can always run away and go home.  P.S. I absolutely can't stand the phrase "how's that working for you"-so condescending .  Hang in there  :)

[Jeffii]

I'm not sure how much help I can be cause you've been my Rock on here but I'm here for you.  

[Teresa1717]

Well, Im not sure what you mean by seperating in the home but I have my own room if thats what you mean?  Im not worried about that and I guess I could just stay in my room (which is where I am now) but my entire family is here. Just her presence is triggeriing me. I know shes using, Infact I know shes high right now! I saw her bottle of pills in the room shes staying in. My family knows she takes pills because she has Lupus and does have chronic pain so she doesnt have to hide her opiate addiction.

[YesLife4Me]

I hate it when someone says "good luck with that", etc.   That's just their addict talking.    They deep down want what you have right now.   Don't worry about what you think she may have over you.  What you have is more important!  

[Teresa1717]

Shes not mean I wouldnt say. She just knows how to get to me. Many times I would tell her in the past how I didnt want to use anymore, and wanted to stop doing this to myself and she told me one time that shes afraid if I get clean I wont want anything to do with her anymore. So she said She wont let that happen, and then of course laughed but I know she was serious

[YesLife4Me]

What's your biggest fear?  That she will ask and you will give in?    How long will she be around?  Take it minute to minute and then this will be over.  

[Teresa1717]

My mother and father, and the rest of my family actually, dont know I was arrested, and dont know about my felonies and my probation and all of that. She is the only one. And it would kill my mom if she found that out...SO while I agree, that what she has over my head shouldnt matter, in this case it does and this is what Scares me! Well that and her just being around me

[Jeffii]

Just remember you NO longer want to be like her.  You have outgrown her and your life is so much better. Now is her that wants to be like you that's why she is trying to upset you. Stay strong and keep as much distance between you and her as possible.

[Teresa1717]

yes...IF I cant say no to her like every other time in my life, then I am screwed

[ricart70]

sorry youre having to go through this.

[YesLife4Me]

Do you think she would tell your mom if you turned down something she offered to you?   I know you are worried about your history coming out....just wondering what would cause her to say something?  

[Teresa1717]

Thanks for listening and your support

[Teresa1717]

Well, To be honest I dont know if she would. I do know that she can be vengeful and I have seen that with other people. Its not that I am worried that if I tell her no, if she tries to get me to use, that she will say anything. I mean I guess I am worried about that. But I am frightened of her just being here and me not being strong enough. She already gave me a hard time because I didnt want a glass of wine! She said "oh come on, its not like im offering you blow!"  

I dont know how ot distance myself from her and be here with my mom! Being here with my mom this year is so very important to me!

[ricart70]

I have to work with a guy who is high every day and always on the phone with cnects and always talking about it.It does tend to get you stirred up.I would leave if you could and go stay somewhere else until she leaves if it's really threatening your state of mind.I don't know if that's possible but just throwing it out there

[Teresa1717]

Oh and just to add to that, when she offered me the wine I initially said no and then after she said that, she made me feel bad and so I took it!! Granted I only took 2 sips and then poured it out, but this is what i am talking about! She makes me feel bad or guilty or something.I dont know.

[windupbirdet]

Teresa thats how it starts...it just takes one sip on wine to slip up....you need to get out of there fast!

[YesLife4Me]

Gotcha!   I can see how that would be a problem.   You have got to set boundaries with her that you are not going back and that she doesn't need worry about not being a part of your life as long as she isn't tempting or taunting you.  My phone is about to die...sending you hugs and support.  You got this because you want it!  

[Teresa1717]

Thanks girl

[marycarmel]

I don't post often but I read here everyday.  Keep posting and posting to keep yourself strong.  You've done fabulous and you CAN say no.  You worked really hard to get where you are!  Do whatever you have to ... take a walk, go to bed early, fake not feeling well.  When will she be leaving?  I would hope she wouldn't drag up things to your family but if she does, you just have to keep your chin up and say, "That's all in the past."  You just keep posting and getting support and you'll get through this!

[Teresa1717]

Well, Thank yall for listening...I guess im on my own at the end of the day and will  have to figure it out

merry christmas

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

Hang in there Teresa. I've had so many triggers today also but I've stayed clean. Your such a inspiration to me and you've helped me and others more than you'll ever know! Stay strong and keep posting if you need to. I'm praying for you!

[IBKleen]

What's going on now? I just got here...

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

I hope she makes another post. I'm worried about her.