Just for today.......be ok with yourself. Being totally off opiates is a HUGE change and you are doing GOOD!
I did a lot of ranting....emotions all over the place....think of it like a volcano that was kept "at bay" for years.....and now you are freeing the pressure that has been numbed for so long. Eruption is to be expected. You are apologizing and your children will love you unconditionally.....if they know Mommy has been sick....and now she is working on getting well...they can understand that concept. And they will love you through this....no worries~
Your question about posting.....yes, your original post for that day....just keep posting under the original one for awhile.....and continue to post on that same one...all your conversations back and forth will appear there. You don't have to type separate responses in the "to" box. We can all see what is written on that thread. Each time a person responds on your thread....it brings it up to the top of the forum page. The reason it is better not to post 3 or 4 original threads on the same day is because it bumps other people off the front (first) forum page. All your activity will still be under your original post. If it is still confusing (because I'm not explaining it very well...lol) just let us know and we'll help you.
Keep posting....let us know how you're doing, ok?
Hey....you didn't rant...you have valid questions!
1. I think a lot of people's "perception" of what an addict is, is wrong. That's where a lot of people get confused. I am a 42 year old mother of 4, wife (of 1, lol), business owner, PTA member. We are all kinds of people! Doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers, etc...
2. You've had a lot of trauma in your life, and those things affect us! Wether you want them to or not...they do. Pain meds allow us to be numb, so we don't have to feel. Oh yeah, we can feel some things, but not really. If your now off of the pain meds, then you know what I'm talking about. Your probably feeling WAY more now than ever before, we just don't know what to do with those feelings because they hit us at once.
3. We're human....your NOT scarring your kids. They're resilient and when your "better" they see the difference and they'll like the new you! I promise.
Take some time, it's going to take time before you start feeling better (more normal). What I found tricky was that I was numb for so long, I forgot what normal felt like? Today I am 4 1/2 mths clean of opiates/subs and today, I can honestly say, I'm o.k.! I'm still taking it one day at a time, still going to 4 N/A meetings a week, working with a sponsor and working steps. You know, step work might be right up your alley as to what you need to work through all of the "trauma's" in your life. Step work isn't just for drugs, alcohol, etc... it's to learn how to face life head on, without running. Just a few words from someone who's father was an addict of which he commited suicide, grandmother addict, brother addict, me addict, me cancer survivor, me PTSD (along with my husband and 3 of my children). We all have traumas in our lives, they can't take over our lives...we can't live like that! Your going to make the situation worse by over thinking it...we're human, we all make mistakes, no one is perfect! You recognized the problem, made a decision to change it and are doing it! Just keep moving forward!
So sorry you guys, but I've never ever done a form like this before. When you say the "post on same thread", do you mean under my first original post? Still super clueless. For everyone to see it who commented on my question, do I have to put everyone's name in the "To" section?
If anyone read my previous entry, I do apologize for the rant, and maintain my own responsibility for being too stupid to recognize that the amount of pain medication the doctor had me on was too much. I increase both after surgery and he was supposed to taper me down and then staff change in his office and before I knew it he was closed and I was on the super high amount of meds.
The last eight years I have been so concerned about addiction based on my family history. I have had five different doctors over those years who assured me that I was not showing addictive behavior and therefore after eight years did not need to worry. And clearly many on this form see otherwise. I don't care what the label is, I just needed freaking hope and help dealing with all these everlasting withdrawal symptoms.
I really feel awful too, because today I erupted in anger and overreacted and said some things to my little ones (10 and 5) that I should not have. I did apologize and try to explain what mommy is going through. But I feel my very presence is scarring them for life.
My church and therapist etc. say otherwise but at times it feels like they are just spewing b.s. B/c they are afraid I might off myself like my older brother did. I lost my fiancé and first love along with three good friends in college all at once in Feb. 1999 while they were backcountry snowboarding and believe me when I say I know what that does to people would never do that intentionally to people I love. Oh, and did I mention that I was pregnant with his baby and lost it after he died the following month?. Probably because I was not eating or drinking or taking care of myself due to grief.
But I digress, as usual, I have spent most of my life in therapy of all sorts trying to deal with all of this trauma. Maybe some of it surfacing now. I just feel lost and unable to be A decent human being. Not to mention half-way good wife and mother due to how crappy I feel. Before anyone asks--yes, I am on antidepressants - just saw psych again Wensdgay- and have been since I was 17. clearly depression runs in my family. I'm doing well and not taking pain medication but that's about the only thing I and doing decent. I just want to feel normal. How do I ignore and not think about any kind of a timeline question mark. My apologies for the erratic nature of my posts. Please help if you feel so inclined. Many thanks. God bless
First, wanted to let you know that even if you have a new question in the same day, you can post it on the same thread that you already have going. It's easier for all of us to follow you if you stick to one thread.
Second, after reading a lot about your history.....I'd suggest a Celebrate Recovery group at a church in your town. It doesn't necessarily have to be at the church you go to either. Your history and memories of Al-Anon and other "recovery" type meetings may be skewed some since it was 24 yrs ago and your attendance was due to your brother's addiction. Plus losing him to addiction after completing this rehab may have affected your feelings about all things "recovery". I'd say since you've been off and on opiates for over 8 years....that Celebrate Recovery would benefit you whether you think you are dependent OR addicted. It's just a good program that I think would bless you.
If you and your husband want to learn more about how opiates affect the entire body.....there are a lot of resources out there that will educate you.
He simply does not understand that long term use (and at a very high dose) of opiates changes most everything about us. Our neurotransmitters are changed, our central nervous systems, our digestion and elimination, etc. Our entire "electrical system" has to first, heal....then learn to "fire" naturally again. This doesn't happen overnight....but please don't get a specific "time frame" set in your head either.
It helped me to write down my symptoms each day....how I was feeling, what was particularly difficult for me on the day...and what was improving.
When I have hit a "discouraged" bump in my recovery road.....I can't tell you how many times I have gotten back out that little notebook and read where I was during those early days. It HELPS a lot to be grateful for each improvement....and our mental attitude is 80% of recovery. If we are negative....we will feel negative.
Getting off opiates isn't like any other medication/drug I have EVER taken. Even getting off anti-depressants was long and drawn out....but nothing like opiates.
Be gentle with yourself. Read all you can about how opiates affect the human body. Print those off for your hubby to read so he can better understand what the healing process involves.
Congrats on 13 days opiate free!! That is saying a lot from the amount of opiates you came off of. If you were on that heavy dose for the past year.....it will take more than a couple weeks to offset and heal.
Try taking some short walks....sit it the sunshine and hold your face up to the light......list the things you are grateful for today...and be proud of yourself......it will get better and better every single minute, hour, day and week you don't put an opiate in your body.
Now I read All your threads from today, have you asked for support specifically for this at church? Pastors and priests often will know of who is battling with these things. Have you asked local doctors or pain management specialists what they know about for your situation? You are very active in many recovery activities, are you keeping this a secret from them?
I will say, you sound more dependant than addicted by what you shared. With time, anyone can cross that threshold. If you plan to stay on meds, a pain management group could be helpful, If you want to quit, start here and we can talk about other options. Lots of people find people at church for support, our gym has lots of people on meds an they exercise together and talk about their issues. So, what is your goal and what kind of support are you looking for? What are the stronger meds and dose you are on now?
If you are not an addict and don't have to deal with the mental part, you can quit and it will be like a severe flu and will pass. If you are a high functioning addict and haven't realized it, then It will be lots of work after detox. Give more info and we'll try to help guide you to what you are looking for.