Opiate Addiction Recovery

[RainyDay75]

Hello all,

I have been browsing the forums for quite some time now and now has decided to join. I will make my story short. It started, much like most people's, with pain. Surgeries, accident, etc.. pain, that had led to narcotic prescriptions: Vicodin and oxycodone most of the time. I take anywhere from 6-13 5/325 Norco per day. And supplement it with Tramadol. At my worst, I would take 8-12 50mg Tramadol per day.

When it started threatening to ruin my life, I decided it was enough. I want off these things. I tapered off Tramadol: now 2 weeks completely without it. Norco, on the other hand, I did not have the will power to taper. I actually called my doc and asked for a taper schedule. But couldn't do it. So... Here I am, with 2 pills left and not wanting to do this anymore. (Well, i really want the Norco.. Actually, crave it, but will not ask for more.) I hope I will not.

I am honestly quite terrified to be off Norco. I have taken it for so long (5-7 years), that it has become my personality. I will take my last 2 pills tomorrow and then will be off. I feel completely alone with this, as no one (not even my husband) knows about it. And if I tell anyone, I risk losing my job and ruining my reputation.

So here I am, looking to give and get support as I go through this process of getting clean. I saw many helpful posts by people who lend their help to others and have already received quite a bit of support, albeit indirectly. Thanks so much in advance.

RainyDay75

[finding_faith]

  Greetings from California... I am here to share a story with all you brave souls.. I am an addict, a totally functioning, successful, driven, ADDICT.  I am able to say that now after so many years of denying it.. of watching the show: "Addicted." and saying how those people are so lost and gross and I am nothing like them..  well... addiction is addiction people. It comes in many forms, whatever is our weakest, our addiction will become the strongest in that area..  I truly believe God has given me this struggle to show me how important my life is.. to myself, my husband, our son, my friends.. to God himself. You are all loved, needed, appreciated and special in your own way, al of you..
  My parents raised my brothers and I by the seat of their pants. I began taking Soma and Darvocet when I was 16 with my mom. I am now almost 25...
  Basically I have never had a sober stint longer than 10 months (when I was pregnant..)  thankfully I detoxed from Ultram a month before I got pregnant, so I was able to be strong when I found out, and did the entire pregnancy not even taking a Tylenol. HONESTLY!  
   But, after my cesarean I began my addiction, it has lasted until now which is about a year and a half...
  I tell myself that this is me, this is my life, I will always struggle with this, I will always re-lapse..  why? because I have never truly wanted to be done with pills.. I haven't liked living in reality, I like the "high", I like the routine!!!!! ****!!!   but thats just not acceptable.  How can I bring a child into this world, look him in the eyes and say: "I'll never hurt you.."  but turn right around and take a pill...
  addiction is a choice, just like recovery, that is also a choice. and as anyone knows, if you're not ready to make the choice, you might as well quit joking yourself.  I am sick of myself when I think about how low I have become.. I am to the point of panick when I know I can't get a Vic, getting that obsessed persona for the next few hours until I can finally get my hands on one..  I have alienated a few people over it, leaving me so f-in humiliated about it...
   I am now only my second day in.. withdrawal is about as common as a sneeze for me, I go back and forth all the time, so this aint no thang! however, I feel for all you new timers, because I've been there myself, and I know that you would rather die than make it another hour, even minute in your withdrawal period.   Just know this, you are the only one who made yourself this way, and you are the only one that can ultimately push through to the "safe-ER" zone (never actually safe again...)   you honest to God, have to live minute to freaking minute... GET ANGRY!! tell yourself: "self, I'm sorry I'm putting you through this, but you're NOT gonna go through it any more!!!!"    
   The comments about exercise couldn't be more accurate, but i would have rather eaten dog ****, than exercise during withdrawals,   as a seasoned vet, my secret to all of you...CAFFEINE AND BENADRYL.  There! a best free advice you'll ever get lol..  but seriously, in the morning brew tea so strong it looks like coffee,  chug it!!!!  also Jack in the Box tea is bomb, and the benadryl, if you can get time to sleep, take two and be ready for it to work, in bed, lights off, tv off, head on the damn pillow.. let this take it's course, be good to yourself..  if you have people or kids around you, you need to handle it!!  tell them you have the flu (symptoms are just like it anyways!!)  and shut yourself out to the world.. as far as the people mentioning they have to "work" so they're gonna detox later on vaca,  sorry but thats a load of horse ****, cuz next week when that vaca is coming up, you're gonna be outta this desperate moment, and want to have a fun relaxing vacation, hence putting it off yet again.. truthfully there will NEVER be a good time or place to do this.. I've with-drawled before on a monday, and worked the whole work week through just to relapse a week later.. but I did it. caffeine flowed through my veins non-stop!!
   We all secretly know inside if we are going to give up before we even start, so you gotta trick yourself if thats whats up with you!! tell yourself, ok, make it through today, and tomorrow you can have one.. then tomorrow comes and post-pone it yet again... I wish you all the love and luck in the world, I wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy... and I want u all to know that, if you think after you detox that you willl be magically cured, you're dead wrong..  addiction is a part of you, and will follow you around for the rest of your life...  you must absolutely remove yourself from any triggers in your life that could cause you to relapse, if you're serious about this, you'll do it.. it may take avoiding certain people (been there, done that), avoiding certain people, certain places, certain songs,  re-train your brain to find happy times in new places.
   Lastly, set small goals for yourself, and allow yourself rewards.. looking forward to a movie and dinner on friday can get you through the week as dumb as it sounds. No one has to know you're lame little goals you might get pumped on, if it works, **** yes!!!  
  So: 1) be honest w yourself about your situation
        2) be realistic about the fact that it's along road of recovery
        3) avoid triggers
        4) set small goals
        5) treat yourself
        6) last and most important: LOVE YOURSELF!!!
sincerely, your friend.

[starlita8]

I just wanted to say I hope you are doing well and to stick in there! Atfer reading some things on this site today, I also decided to join. I've gone about 36 hours now with out any painkillers and it's been tough...but i'd rather go thru a week or two of hell to have the rest of my life back to be the best mother I can be to my beautiful baby girl.

[gnarly_1]

if I where you I wouldent stay on them another moth itsyour addiction talking to you you need to get rid of the pills any time your serious about getting off them if there there you will use them twisted ankle or not its just a given wile in acute withdrawals 80% of the people who have pills will find a reason to take them this can not be an opton you need to flush them and start over you can do this but only with better preparation witch includes duping the pills
I will walk to the other end of the would with you to get off this stuff but you have to be 100% committed ....you got to want it bad and no safety nets lets give this another try SOON
LOOS THE PILLS good luck and God bless........Gnarly  

[RainyDay75]

Hey gnarly, I twisted my ankle and had to take some vicodin. Well, didn't have to I guess, but I did.  Anyway, I don have enough to taper for a whole month, maybe a couple more days. Then I will have to do ibuprofen and ice. These are truly the "devil pills" as someone called them. Amazing how they grab a hold of you and just won't let go.

[gnarly_1]

hey well finely some sleep stilll feeling the side effect kinda feel high and that su cks when you dont want to but so goes bipolar been down this road b/4 my meds are adjusted and I should start to feel better in a few days.......how are you doing.....it sounds like you turned your C/T into a taper this might work but often only prolongs the withdrawals will see
you got to do what is right for you there is more then one way to get off this stuff but if you C/T next time the pills have to go otherwise it becomes an option to use im not getting down on you for this as I sad b/4 some people need to taper to do this its just C/T is like ripping a bandaid off it hurts for a second and its kinda the same with C/T it gets it over with tapering spreads out the misery over a month or so you still go threw the withdrawals just not as harshly but over a longer period of time.....the key to having it work is have a set quit day and have it carved in stone you need to end the madness
you will be happy when its over we will support however you decide to do this just know there is no painless method each way has its down falls keep on pushing forward it would be best to find someone to give your pills to to hold and givve out only according to what the taper calls for and just know it is normal to go threw withdrawals wile doing this keep posting for support where here to help you can do this its just going to take a bit longer this way good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[RainyDay75]

Hey gnarly! I am so glad that you got some sleep! I actually did pray for you. But you know.. Don't want to take all the credit for it. :)

I haven't had any vicodin since last night, so 15 hours or so. And won't take one until at least 3 pm. And only one. I was kind of squirmy and restless this morning, so I put on my walker boot and went to pick raspberries. I actually had a good time, and was so thankful to God for allowing me to experience joy that wasn't pill related. Unfortunately, I had to hurry home due to stomach issues, which I'm sure are wd related.

How are you doing today? What is new in your world?

[gnarly_1]

HEY GIRL......good to see your still going......last night I sleept praise God was getting a bit scary there but I do feel 100% beter still not perfect but improving the real question here is how are you its been another day things should start to turn around here for you and yes you do need to tell your hubby our secrets keep us sick .....its ok if he gets mad thats the reaction of a lot of guys but he will vcome around and support you is also the norm of what we see it just guys dont know how to respond so we react it a guy thing but having his support will be huge I know having my wife on board made the difference of me making it or not so try to bring him up to speed  I ment to ask you did you get to a meeting yet I know you where talking about it they will help you go threw what is coming.....I call it the mind screw
it where this thing messes with your head keep pushing forward hook up with ac metting as soon as possible and we can get you out of this mess we all want to see you succeed
keep posting good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[RainyDay75]

You guys are awesome. You really are. I don't cry much, or very easily for that matter, but reading your responses made those tears run down my cheeks. Yes, I feel "better" for the most part: the RLS is gone, the chills and flashes... But I have that knot in my stomach, the little voice saying: "You are a failure. You can't do this. This is your life." And that terrifies me.

Justneedtotalk: you are absolutely right. I likely could have handled the pain with just ibuprofen and ice. But I didn't. It was a great excuse. I need to stop that. How do you deal with finding yourself again? How does one fill the void left in the absence of daily use? I am scared. But hopeful now as well.

I am thankful to God for people like all of you. I will come off this stuff and will be clean.

Gnarly, I will pray for you as well, though I haven't been a model Christian. But I truly do hope you stop this cycle of no sleep for a week at a time! It must be excruciating. And I will really think of how to approach my husband about this. I don't think I would want him to keep something like this from me. Thanks all. Again.

[gnarly_1]

HEY Rainy how you holding up I still havent sleep hopefully get to see the doctor tomorrow
I tihnk there is a veage chance I might get some sleep im tired and thats a good sigh
so your probably right in the middle of acute withdrawal this part su cks but it part of what you got to do to make it to the other side im  praying for ya and I hope God gives you a mild withdrawal remember to force the fluids and lots of hot baths will help with the symptoms
your doing good .....you need to tell your hubby about all of this our secrets keep us sick
if he is any thing like my wife he will be your bigest supporter they know more then you think you know mines as well come clean it could help get you threw this also hang in there good luck keep posting we all want to see you make it out .....God bless......Gnarly

[justneedtotalk]

Do not beat yourself up over this but when I quit for this last time, I was so desperate I actually hoped I would break a finger or something so I could justify taking a pill.  I basically realized that if I took one I would take 100.  With every addiction there are downsides.  The downside is that we can no longer take narcotic pain relievers for legitimate pain.  I have found that non-narcotic prescription pain relievers work good enough to take the edge off.  You have to honestly look inside yourself and ask if you truly want out of this life.  To not allow a drug to rule your life.  I read your first post and it brought back a lot of memories and emotions.  I was sooooo sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I was tired of lying to my wife and family, I was tired of spending hundreds of dollars on pills.  I was tired of planning family vacations, trips, and outings around my supply.  I was tired of going through withdrawal after withdrawal, being sick each month when I ran our of pills.  I finally woke up and said enough.....When I had only 7 days sober this last time I hurt my back and I was screaming for pills....I knew I could go to the doctor and easily get my fix....but....I looked at myself in the mirror and the thought of possibly feeling normal again without the use of pills was barely stronger than my cravings....I did not go and now as I sit here typing this I have 4 months sober.  When I was high, I thought I was normal....I thought I functioned better on pills and boy was I wrong.  

Basically, I just wanted to tell you that life sober is absolutely fantastic....I actually enjoy life now.  I am not constantly worried about my addiction.  I am not constantly trying to maintain my addiction.  I laugh, I cry, the tree's are greener, food tastes better, my sex life with my wife is sooooo much better and more enjoyable.  I cannot imagine going back to pills....I still have cravings from time to time but I have lost over 25 pounds, I look and feel great and have channeled all of the energy I used to put into my addiction, into exercising.  I know it is hard to see now because you are trying to fight yourself out of the depths of addiction but let me tell you that you need to give yourself a chance to see what life is like on the other side.  I promise that if you give yourself 30 days you will see what it is like to live life again!  I truly wish you the best and your are worth it....Just keep telling yourself that.....God bless!

[RainyDay75]

Ugh... This is what I did today: I tripped and twisted my ankle, which is now the size of a football. Anyways, I took some vicodin. That's the bottom line. But the pain of the ankle was almost better than that of withdrawal. That is an awful mental anguish, sort like a very bad break up. My hat is off to all of you who did it and survived. I will try again in a couple of days.

[RainyDay75]

I'm hanging in there... Was hoping to go for a longer walk, but it started raining. I'll have to think of something else. How are you? Have you called your doc yet?

[gnarly_1]

HEY Girl how you doing .....no sleep last night ether for me these friggin manic episodes su ck but it is what it is and I will just have to deal with it till I can see the doctor hopefully tomorrow so your working on day 2 now just batton down the hatch roll up the sails and ready yourself for the storm....remember to force the fluids and try to sty bizzy it will take your mind off it good luck and God bless........Gnarly......I will check in on you later on in the day
remember to keep telling yourself I can do this  

[RainyDay75]

Gnarly, did you get any sleep last night? I tossed and turned my way into the morning. It's the middle od day 2 for me and every cell is screaming. Or it feels like it. I do hope you got at least some rest. And love you for praying for me!

[RainyDay75]

Welcome to the thread. What are you up to today?

[quinn1970]

ok good nite , see ya around the forum

[quinn1970]

Oh thats cool, I like sports but I love the outdoors too, never did the hunting thing but fishing hiking and camping havve been a big part of my life. I really miss the roughing it in the bush though, my wife doesnt enjoy that type of camping, she needs to have her bathrooms and showers close by where i like to go deep into the wild and get in tune with nature. My daughter has been bugging me to take her into the wild, she loves the outdoors too, as soon as I get better I'mm going to take her then just grab the canoe and see where it takes us. My wife can stay home and do her nails or something lol. What do you hunt in AZ

[gnarly_1]

well im off to try and ketch even a hr of sleep would help restore my mind here that tea has already started to work so im out of here have a nice night everyone Good Night

[gnarly_1]

I live near to the ball part 10 min away but im not into ball sports im an outdoorsman got to chase it race it ketch it or kill it to draw my interest but ya heard there giving the tickets away
from my daughter she works at a leagle office right next to the ball park

[quinn1970]

I live in the toronto area up in canada, Its pretty cool how similarities in our lives can bring people from all parts of the world together. Ya the sleeping thing is really getting to me, Its like a roller coaster ride where at times I accept it as part of the process and other times like now its pissing me off.  I am trying to spin it to work for me where if I do get some sleep I chalk it up as a moral victory but its getting harder and harder to do that the longer I go.  I'm going to try getting myself something tomorrow. So you enjoy the all star game down there?

[gnarly_1]

HI  your welcome to keep company with us ....im seeping some ''yogi'' kava stress relief tea as we speak the sleep thing su cks  it usally only last 2 weeks to a month but go on line and find somebody that carys this perticalur tea it usually dose the trick but in not only a recovering addict but I also suffer bipolar disorder and thats why I havent slept in 4 nights
just hopelessly wide awake with racing thoughts I go threw one of these perodicly  just one more thing to deal with  what part of the country you from  where both out west

[quinn1970]

I've been reading your posts to each other because Its almost 5 am in my area and I am having another sleepless nite with nothing else to do. Probably have gotten 4 hours sleep the past 4 days and its driving me up the wall. How do you cope with the anxiety that comes along with insomnia?  I guess I shouldnt complain because the first few days of my detox were brutal and here on day 6 battling sleeplessness is still better than those first few days but man I am going nuts.  I wish I at least had some energy where I can do something instead of vegging in front of the tv or computer.  Anyways Hope I didnt interrupt you guys to much, but any advice for sleep would be very appreciated. Thanks

[gnarly_1]

YA putting God and Jesus back into the equation really helped me threw I know for a fact I could not have gone threw 8 1/2 mo of tapering off methadone going in and out of withdrawals along the way but today I not only know Jesus as my God lord and savior but also as my deliverer on oct 18 2009 I walked into church that sunday a broken man I had taken my last dose of methadone the saterday b/4 and this would be the first sunday
of my new life ending a 16 1/2 yr addiction to narcotics ....all I could do was cry and cry out to God to spare me the real horrific withdrawals I expected and he came threw with flying colors
my detox was no fun but nothing like the extream withdrawals I had experienced b/4 when I matablised all the methadone out of my body by accedent that happened  at a mens retreat  I went to bed at 10 got woken up with fuull blown acute withdrawals at 1 in the morning...it was awful my whole body convulsed I manged to get out of the cabin so I wouldent wake any body felt really alone out there up in the middle of nowhere it took me an hr in the shower to gain my composure enough to figure out I need to take my morning dose at 2 instead of 7 am that one night really scared me I thought I would have to go threw that kind of withdrawal for 4 days I couldn't handle it for 2 hr how on earth was I going to get threw it......I got very close to God going threw this would have to recamend just finding a good church though and tonight dont forget to pray I will add you to my never ending prayer list it make a huge difference ...I spend 6 nights a week out here 2 to 3 hr a day helping people get free of this stuff but its Gods plan for my life my wife Cat and I   are trying to set up a 1/2way house to help people detox somewhere you could go for free so God is birthing something just dont know quite what or how soon but he is slowly been putting people in our lifes that want to help us along im 49 all my children are grown and gone accept for my last son Josh hes 18 but with the ression and all has been having a hard time finding work but I know when he can it will be his time to leave and we will have successfully raised all 5 kids out the house and freeing up our time...man 20 to 2 and again still not even remotly tired this s u cks.....        

[RainyDay75]

I am in portland, or. So you're completely up without being able to concentrate well? That doesn't sound fun. I just re-read "Day 4 with no sleep." Seriously? And you're here giving me support? You sound like an amazing guy. I am terrified of telling my husband about my problem. I just don't know how he will react. He is wonderful though: sweet and caring.

You do have a point about God having plans for you. For now. I keep forgetting that. I really need to get back to God. I've been away so long...  I used to go to church, and really try and live a life of a Christian. I want all that back.

I just took that clonidine. Actually a few minutes before I saw your post. It's supposed to make me drowsy, but we'll see.  

How often do your manic stages last?