Aa
Oxycontin Withdrawl and Suicidal Thoughts
I have been a OC addict for well over a year and spent tens of thousands to sustain my increased dosages to support my increasing tolerance. It started with 20s, then 40s, then 80s. The tolerance kept getting higher and I used to sniff them but then started smoking them (chase the dragon method on tin foil with a lighter and a tube). At that point I could do as many as ten 80s in a day. That is 800mgs of OC in a day. It took financial ruin for me to take steps to quit and now i am waking up from a bad dream into an even worse nightmare. I have no money, i have months of back rent, i am back on antidepressands and anti anxiety medication to deal with the mental and emotional problems associated with the withdrawls.
I have been suffereing severe depression with suicidal tendencies for years since my dad killed himself when I was 15 and i started using OC in my twenties because it was an escape. a way to feel happy and socialize and talk to girls be be able to go out...I am 27 now and have only been a true addict for the last 18 months or so. Now I cant go out of the house without it because of the withdrawls. I have to plan everything I do ahead of time to make sure I have enough to not get sick while I am out or away or at work. This is harder than anything anyone can possibly imagine unless they have gone through this themself.
I dont have money for treatment so I researched methadone detox and am down to 20 mgs a day which is a VERY low dosage considering some addicts require up to 500mgs a day. I am on zoloft (sertraline) and Trazadone which helped previously with the depression anxiety, there are days now that i cannot even go to work because i sit in bed for 6 or 8 hours staring at the ceiling and crying for hours for no reason at all. I dont have the will to make myself dinner, I cant sleep, I cant focus, I cant function and it got to the point where I couldnt even get myself into the shower and would go a week between showers. I lost all will power to do anything at all. I have lost control of my emotions and my body, as well as my entire life and I am trying desperately to take back control and even though i have broken the OC cycle at this point, the place I am in now is even worse and even harder and I keep slipping due to the depression and suicidal thoughts.
I keep going back to the 80s and will smoke 3 or 4 of them to get those thoughts out of my head. I am in debt (150k from school loans a lone), I am broke, I may lose my apartment from missing rent for the past 3 months because I spend all my money on OC. My life is in tatters all because of the drug and the emotional and mental escape I used it for. I could not deal with my own reality and smoked weed for a decade as my escape before moving on to OC which took over every single aspect of my life. I spent rent money to get more because i cannot function without it. And while I am off it now, the depression is unbearable and prevents me from even getting out of bed for days at a time.
I am looking into psychological therapy, group sessions, support groups, alternative treatments but I am broke so I am limited to programs for the financially challenged and low income or state funded programs. Anything anyone can recommend for the financially broke would help hugely. It is a long hard uphill battle ahead, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do by a LONG shot, but I know once I get through this and take my life back I can fix things. But the damage I have caused myself is already done and I am in a self induced financial ruin due to the addiction and the OC escape.
I sincerely can relate to anyone who is having problems with OC and this drugs is the devil. If you are just starting, STOP now. If its prescribed, ask you're doctor for something else. I started out small, on 20s, and I always thought i could stop whenever but within the first 12 hours of trying to stop the first time you will go thru withdrawls so bad you will pay anything to get more and make those feelings go away. I have told myself hundreds of times at this point that "this will be my last pill." I have a ending ceremony where I sit down and enjoy one last smoke but within hours or by the next day I am back where I started.
It is a viscious terrible drug and I wish I had never EVER started using it because it has takin my life away from me, my happiness away from me, my will to live away from me. I think about killing myself every minute of every day. every bus that drives by i want to step in front of, every lightening storm I pray I get hit. I had to sell my home defense handgun because i was too afraid i would use it on myself when i hit one of those lows in the depression. I cannot walk across bridges because i am afraid i will impulsively jump off. The only reason I am still here is because my mom and my brother already had to go threw the suicide of my father and I cannot put them through that pain again. That is the ONE and ONLY reason I am able to be here typing this right now.
You do not want your life to get to the point I am at and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Please believe me that anyone who thinks they have control of it is only deceving themselves and I thought and believed the same thing for a long time. NEVER start with oxycontin. never ever ever ever. It is the devil. I have tried to quit hundreds of times but the withdrawls or the depression always ALWAYS makes you go back. This is the closest I have ever come to quitting and I am trying with every ounce of will power I have to get through this but it is physical, mental and emotional torture. I have spent hours on end staring at nothing and just crying for no reason due to the depression and I am a very emotionally strong person having gone through my fathers suicide at age 15. This is unlike anything you can imagine unless you have been here yourself. I never understood addiction until I got to this point.
I have accepted that I do not have control, and I have severed all ties to my sources, deleted numbers and cut the enablers out of my life. I am so close to being off the drug but the depression is killing me from the inside out. I need serious help but dont have the money to get it. Please take these words to heart because you do not ever want to get to this point. Thinknig about ending your life all day long is something beyond comprehension for most people, but that is the place I am in and it is the thought of my Mom and my brother and the pain that I would cause them that is keeping me going.
Any recommendations from anyone will be sincerely considered and taken to heart because at this point I am open to anything. I will be off methadone by my schedule by the end of July, but the depression will only be worse at that point and I am truly afraid of my own thoughts and what I think about doing to myself. I dont even sleep anymore because these thoughts keep me up til 4 or 5 am every single night. And when I do fall asleep i have horrible dreams and it is only a half sleep and I wake up feeling like its been hours to look at the clock as see it has only been 5 minutes. My body is run down, I am emotional and mentally broken, physically broken. I went from size 32 waste to a 28 in 6 months because I cant eat and dont have the money for food.
I have given up everything I have for the drug and put my own physical and mental health over the edge for it and never thought Id be able to get off it. I retionalized buying more hundreds of times in the most ludicrous and insane ways possible. I validated my own usage my lying and deceiving myself. It is only now that I have been off it for weeks or a month that I am at a point where I can see and realize these things. Trust me, like I said above, it was like waking up from a bad dream into a self induced nightmare that I perpetuated with my own twisted illogical rationale.
Please help me any way anybody can because I have nowhere else to turn.
I have been suffereing severe depression with suicidal tendencies for years since my dad killed himself when I was 15 and i started using OC in my twenties because it was an escape. a way to feel happy and socialize and talk to girls be be able to go out...I am 27 now and have only been a true addict for the last 18 months or so. Now I cant go out of the house without it because of the withdrawls. I have to plan everything I do ahead of time to make sure I have enough to not get sick while I am out or away or at work. This is harder than anything anyone can possibly imagine unless they have gone through this themself.
I dont have money for treatment so I researched methadone detox and am down to 20 mgs a day which is a VERY low dosage considering some addicts require up to 500mgs a day. I am on zoloft (sertraline) and Trazadone which helped previously with the depression anxiety, there are days now that i cannot even go to work because i sit in bed for 6 or 8 hours staring at the ceiling and crying for hours for no reason at all. I dont have the will to make myself dinner, I cant sleep, I cant focus, I cant function and it got to the point where I couldnt even get myself into the shower and would go a week between showers. I lost all will power to do anything at all. I have lost control of my emotions and my body, as well as my entire life and I am trying desperately to take back control and even though i have broken the OC cycle at this point, the place I am in now is even worse and even harder and I keep slipping due to the depression and suicidal thoughts.
I keep going back to the 80s and will smoke 3 or 4 of them to get those thoughts out of my head. I am in debt (150k from school loans a lone), I am broke, I may lose my apartment from missing rent for the past 3 months because I spend all my money on OC. My life is in tatters all because of the drug and the emotional and mental escape I used it for. I could not deal with my own reality and smoked weed for a decade as my escape before moving on to OC which took over every single aspect of my life. I spent rent money to get more because i cannot function without it. And while I am off it now, the depression is unbearable and prevents me from even getting out of bed for days at a time.
I am looking into psychological therapy, group sessions, support groups, alternative treatments but I am broke so I am limited to programs for the financially challenged and low income or state funded programs. Anything anyone can recommend for the financially broke would help hugely. It is a long hard uphill battle ahead, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do by a LONG shot, but I know once I get through this and take my life back I can fix things. But the damage I have caused myself is already done and I am in a self induced financial ruin due to the addiction and the OC escape.
I sincerely can relate to anyone who is having problems with OC and this drugs is the devil. If you are just starting, STOP now. If its prescribed, ask you're doctor for something else. I started out small, on 20s, and I always thought i could stop whenever but within the first 12 hours of trying to stop the first time you will go thru withdrawls so bad you will pay anything to get more and make those feelings go away. I have told myself hundreds of times at this point that "this will be my last pill." I have a ending ceremony where I sit down and enjoy one last smoke but within hours or by the next day I am back where I started.
It is a viscious terrible drug and I wish I had never EVER started using it because it has takin my life away from me, my happiness away from me, my will to live away from me. I think about killing myself every minute of every day. every bus that drives by i want to step in front of, every lightening storm I pray I get hit. I had to sell my home defense handgun because i was too afraid i would use it on myself when i hit one of those lows in the depression. I cannot walk across bridges because i am afraid i will impulsively jump off. The only reason I am still here is because my mom and my brother already had to go threw the suicide of my father and I cannot put them through that pain again. That is the ONE and ONLY reason I am able to be here typing this right now.
You do not want your life to get to the point I am at and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Please believe me that anyone who thinks they have control of it is only deceving themselves and I thought and believed the same thing for a long time. NEVER start with oxycontin. never ever ever ever. It is the devil. I have tried to quit hundreds of times but the withdrawls or the depression always ALWAYS makes you go back. This is the closest I have ever come to quitting and I am trying with every ounce of will power I have to get through this but it is physical, mental and emotional torture. I have spent hours on end staring at nothing and just crying for no reason due to the depression and I am a very emotionally strong person having gone through my fathers suicide at age 15. This is unlike anything you can imagine unless you have been here yourself. I never understood addiction until I got to this point.
I have accepted that I do not have control, and I have severed all ties to my sources, deleted numbers and cut the enablers out of my life. I am so close to being off the drug but the depression is killing me from the inside out. I need serious help but dont have the money to get it. Please take these words to heart because you do not ever want to get to this point. Thinknig about ending your life all day long is something beyond comprehension for most people, but that is the place I am in and it is the thought of my Mom and my brother and the pain that I would cause them that is keeping me going.
Any recommendations from anyone will be sincerely considered and taken to heart because at this point I am open to anything. I will be off methadone by my schedule by the end of July, but the depression will only be worse at that point and I am truly afraid of my own thoughts and what I think about doing to myself. I dont even sleep anymore because these thoughts keep me up til 4 or 5 am every single night. And when I do fall asleep i have horrible dreams and it is only a half sleep and I wake up feeling like its been hours to look at the clock as see it has only been 5 minutes. My body is run down, I am emotional and mentally broken, physically broken. I went from size 32 waste to a 28 in 6 months because I cant eat and dont have the money for food.
I have given up everything I have for the drug and put my own physical and mental health over the edge for it and never thought Id be able to get off it. I retionalized buying more hundreds of times in the most ludicrous and insane ways possible. I validated my own usage my lying and deceiving myself. It is only now that I have been off it for weeks or a month that I am at a point where I can see and realize these things. Trust me, like I said above, it was like waking up from a bad dream into a self induced nightmare that I perpetuated with my own twisted illogical rationale.
Please help me any way anybody can because I have nowhere else to turn.
Methadone works well. It breaks the cycle of chasing the next pill and you can wean down to be off with no or little withdrawal. It works the best. When you first start you won't be counting your pill figuring out how many days till you run out and are a le to get more. Thames your dose leave the rest home with no worries. It was a life saver and gave me control again and event quit all together. I would highly recommend this over anything else. Good luck and there is hope. I am living proof
It looks like jail was a blessing for you. You might not be alive without it! Prayers to you as you start your program!!! : ) Good luck!
You have been Blessed by the Lord now keep going in a foward path and I will pray to God that he guides you through your journey. God Bless---Rick
There is much to be gained by asking the heaven's for help..I know,,I asked one time :)
Its a new beginning for sure..Wishing you the best of everything...
Its a new beginning for sure..Wishing you the best of everything...
I haven't been on here for a while due to a long relapse after successfully quitting. The problem was that I didn't remove myself from this environment and fell back to old habits. I've since been arrested, apent 9 days in jail, lost my job and my apartment. I didn't think I could fall any lower and was building my life back up when this happened. However, I am happy to say I start a rehab program friday, I am going to daily support groups and weekly therapy sessions. I am taking my life back one day at a time. Unfortunately it to jailtime to detox and quit, but I am clean and am getting help now. Thank you from the depths of my heart for everything and all the support. I will continue with updates and pray my story can help others face their problems by seeing how much you can lose to this drug. Last night under the night sky I asked the universe for strength, for a sign that I was on the right path and this sounds crazy but at that moment a brilliant shooting star shot across the sky. Now I know I am doing the right thing and I will make it. Just believe in the power of the universe and it will show you the way.
I am so happy to hear that reading my story gave you the strength and perspective to realize you do not want to take it as far as I did and get yourself into a hole that depp. it was extermely hard and was the worst and lowest point in my life. harder than my dad killing himself when I was 15. harder than mt griflriend who proposed to me and was going to move to california with me before breaking up with me 8 days before the move, harder than the love of my life and soulmate leaving me because of my addiction 8 months ago. the places I was in the the darkness that filled my life made me want to die every second of everyday and it was only the thought of making my brother and my mother go through another suicide in the family that got me thru those times all I could think about was ending it.
it is because of them that I kep pushing forward no matter how much I wanted out. someday I am gonig to send my email the web address to my profile so that she can see the depth of my problems, the people who have come to my aid and support me, and the differences I have made in other addicts life by the warnings my story show to people who still have the chance to turn it around before it gets too late. For me, there was nobody to warn me or turn me around before it got out of control and I want to make sure this doesnt happen to anyone in the world.
I would even be willing to help my worst enemy to not have to go thru this. If my story can change one persons life, prevent them from letting the OC useage go too far and get out of control then I will have succeeded. I just want my story to get out there so that people who are jsut starting to use, or are thinking about experimenting with OC can see what can happen and to avoid and prevent it. I would love to become a speaker or get my story out there printed in media, addiction help pamphlets or magazines, news papers, online addiction groups, anything. I want as many people as possible to know this story because I was smart, honors in high school, honors in college, top of my architecture class with all the talent, experience and potantial to do anything and OC took it all away from me and always took my life.
I want anyone and everyone struggling with OC and painkillers, thinknig about starting to use them, experimenting with them to know this story and see that someone smart, successful, talented, strong and confident can still lose their life to this drug.
If my story can save one person from going down the path I did then I will be satisfied. I just dont know how to get this story out there. I am ready to be brutally honest with anyone and not hold anything back because it is only thru being totally honest and open about it that people can see the depth and magnitude of the pain, misery, self deprication and self hatred, shame and torture than this stuff can cause to a life....even someone with as much potantial as me.
Everyone in my life was 100% positive that I could do anything, i have always exceeded in all in do, i won the architecture thesis award my 5th year in college for my thesis project, and despite the limitless possibilities, OC took my happiness, my relationships with friends family and lover/girlfriend/soulmate. It took my happiness, it took control of me to the point I was living a lie. I lied to myself, everyoen around me and refused to admit the problem until it was too late and out of control and now I am slowly rebuilding my life one step at a time but I was so far into it and so deep in a hole that its going to take years to undo the financial damage, the mental and psychological damage as well as the physical damage.
I dont want anyone who still has the power and opportunity to turn it around to make the mistakes I did and all I want is for this story to get as much exposure as possible because it shows that someone with all the potantial and talent and brains in teh world can still lose it all because this drug is so powerful that it can tear anyone down.
If you have any ideas about how I can get my story more exposure I am all ears because I want to save lives. I want to prevent this from happening to others. I can see in responses on here that my story has already affected people in positive ways and given them the strength to avoid falling as far as I did.
I have always been popular, successful, I am good looking, I was prom king in high school, honor student who received academic scholarships, successful with jobs and relationships and I still feel so low that I though Id never be able to climb back out. So far down that I thought taking my life was the only answer left because I could not live with the pain, the shame, the embarassment and self hatred I had for letting this happen to myself.
I want as many people as possible to know this story. I want to get it in print, published, anything. I would be willing to speak to groups, answer questions and be brutally honest about it because honesty is the only way to let others know how terrible it can be and no matter how strong and successful and talented you are, OC can still take youre entire life from you.
Thank you to everyone who has read this and responded with support and kind words. I am still slipping here and there, I am still struggling, but day by day I get stronger and am taking steps in teh right direction to take control back over my life. Please please please, if you or anyoen reading this knows of anyone struggling with pain killers, PLEASE refer them to this post and my story. It could save them from losing their life to drugs and losing everything they have worked so hard to create for themselves.
Thanks you everyone, all the help means the world to me and has helped me immensely.
it is because of them that I kep pushing forward no matter how much I wanted out. someday I am gonig to send my email the web address to my profile so that she can see the depth of my problems, the people who have come to my aid and support me, and the differences I have made in other addicts life by the warnings my story show to people who still have the chance to turn it around before it gets too late. For me, there was nobody to warn me or turn me around before it got out of control and I want to make sure this doesnt happen to anyone in the world.
I would even be willing to help my worst enemy to not have to go thru this. If my story can change one persons life, prevent them from letting the OC useage go too far and get out of control then I will have succeeded. I just want my story to get out there so that people who are jsut starting to use, or are thinking about experimenting with OC can see what can happen and to avoid and prevent it. I would love to become a speaker or get my story out there printed in media, addiction help pamphlets or magazines, news papers, online addiction groups, anything. I want as many people as possible to know this story because I was smart, honors in high school, honors in college, top of my architecture class with all the talent, experience and potantial to do anything and OC took it all away from me and always took my life.
I want anyone and everyone struggling with OC and painkillers, thinknig about starting to use them, experimenting with them to know this story and see that someone smart, successful, talented, strong and confident can still lose their life to this drug.
If my story can save one person from going down the path I did then I will be satisfied. I just dont know how to get this story out there. I am ready to be brutally honest with anyone and not hold anything back because it is only thru being totally honest and open about it that people can see the depth and magnitude of the pain, misery, self deprication and self hatred, shame and torture than this stuff can cause to a life....even someone with as much potantial as me.
Everyone in my life was 100% positive that I could do anything, i have always exceeded in all in do, i won the architecture thesis award my 5th year in college for my thesis project, and despite the limitless possibilities, OC took my happiness, my relationships with friends family and lover/girlfriend/soulmate. It took my happiness, it took control of me to the point I was living a lie. I lied to myself, everyoen around me and refused to admit the problem until it was too late and out of control and now I am slowly rebuilding my life one step at a time but I was so far into it and so deep in a hole that its going to take years to undo the financial damage, the mental and psychological damage as well as the physical damage.
I dont want anyone who still has the power and opportunity to turn it around to make the mistakes I did and all I want is for this story to get as much exposure as possible because it shows that someone with all the potantial and talent and brains in teh world can still lose it all because this drug is so powerful that it can tear anyone down.
If you have any ideas about how I can get my story more exposure I am all ears because I want to save lives. I want to prevent this from happening to others. I can see in responses on here that my story has already affected people in positive ways and given them the strength to avoid falling as far as I did.
I have always been popular, successful, I am good looking, I was prom king in high school, honor student who received academic scholarships, successful with jobs and relationships and I still feel so low that I though Id never be able to climb back out. So far down that I thought taking my life was the only answer left because I could not live with the pain, the shame, the embarassment and self hatred I had for letting this happen to myself.
I want as many people as possible to know this story. I want to get it in print, published, anything. I would be willing to speak to groups, answer questions and be brutally honest about it because honesty is the only way to let others know how terrible it can be and no matter how strong and successful and talented you are, OC can still take youre entire life from you.
Thank you to everyone who has read this and responded with support and kind words. I am still slipping here and there, I am still struggling, but day by day I get stronger and am taking steps in teh right direction to take control back over my life. Please please please, if you or anyoen reading this knows of anyone struggling with pain killers, PLEASE refer them to this post and my story. It could save them from losing their life to drugs and losing everything they have worked so hard to create for themselves.
Thanks you everyone, all the help means the world to me and has helped me immensely.
ive been havin a real yough time the past coupleweeks. i havent even had the will to come on here i just try to sleep as long as i can to shoten my day and minimize my waking life because it hurts so much...i have semi-decent days and god aweful days i just want to lay in bed and not ven leave my room...my dog is the one thing that really gets me out on those days and walkin thru the forest really makes me feel better, i love b=nature and i love my dog and she keeps me going cuz she is so loving, affectionate and therapeutic.
hope all is well with you and life is going smooth and successful
hope all is well with you and life is going smooth and successful
Call your mother and just tell her you need help she brought you into this world the last thing she wants is to see you leave. Call her please call anyone there are people out there waiting to help you
Hey man, it's okay to slip (most call it a relapse). You have a very serious problem with oxy's and should not think about cold turkey. Go to an NA meeting maybe? Look for one that's "open" (means anyone can attend) and then choose smoking or nonsmoking depending on your preference.
You were taking so much oxy that I don't think Methadone is going to get you over it totally. I tapered down off Lorcets but had a love affair with 40 mg oxy's. When I quit the oxy's (not my choice, my supply dried up) it put the fear of God in me. They are a tough drug.
You are not alone, me and everyone else on this list is here for you man. We love you and want the best for you. You can succeed in this but it's not going to be easy. Life is a gift from the universe (hopefully that's acceptable to you). You just have a hiccup going on. Please don't destroy your gift.
Have you looked into subsidized counseling? Many cities/counties offer psych counselfing offset by what you earn for folks in their communities. You may need to get on some serious medications (i.e. heavier than zoloft and trazadone). Something that helped my mental outlook immensely is moderately intense exercise. If you don't run or anything go somewhere and run for a while, then walk to recover, then run again.
Love,
buzzhorn1
You were taking so much oxy that I don't think Methadone is going to get you over it totally. I tapered down off Lorcets but had a love affair with 40 mg oxy's. When I quit the oxy's (not my choice, my supply dried up) it put the fear of God in me. They are a tough drug.
You are not alone, me and everyone else on this list is here for you man. We love you and want the best for you. You can succeed in this but it's not going to be easy. Life is a gift from the universe (hopefully that's acceptable to you). You just have a hiccup going on. Please don't destroy your gift.
Have you looked into subsidized counseling? Many cities/counties offer psych counselfing offset by what you earn for folks in their communities. You may need to get on some serious medications (i.e. heavier than zoloft and trazadone). Something that helped my mental outlook immensely is moderately intense exercise. If you don't run or anything go somewhere and run for a while, then walk to recover, then run again.
Love,
buzzhorn1
Isaac, i wished i could hold your hand.... i guess that writing here and answering your post is my way of holding it.
i don't know what to tell you but that you are not alone here at this moment.
i know about feeling lost and not knowing what to do with my life...it seems that if we hadn't have to deal with it we would be much better, we are so exhausted so tired of fighting...but we can not giving up fighting, this is all i can say...fight...call some crisis phone numbers...fight, please.
i don't know what to tell you but that you are not alone here at this moment.
i know about feeling lost and not knowing what to do with my life...it seems that if we hadn't have to deal with it we would be much better, we are so exhausted so tired of fighting...but we can not giving up fighting, this is all i can say...fight...call some crisis phone numbers...fight, please.
I have slipped a few times. I get so depressed at times and all I cant think about is killing myself. At work I want to walk up to the roof of the office tower and jump off. in my room I have a gun for self defense since we had a break in and my very worst fear is having my girlfriend raped in front of me while I am held down and powerless. I could not live with myself after that. since then she has left. In fact she left 8 months ago now.
I often put bullets in the gun and hold it to my head and in my mouth just to feel the cold metal. to feel what my dad felt before he pulled the trigger. to get as close to his last moments as i possibly get. I want to go to the hotel room where he did it. I want to spend a night in the very same room, stay in the same bed, feel his energy in the last location his soul occupied. Its a weird twisted thought but I cant help but want it more than anything. The only time I am happy is on OC. the only time I stop worrying is on OC.
it is the only thing that makes me feel normal and feel like maybe things will be ok but when it wears off im back down even worse than where i was 6 hours ago when I started. It is a terrible vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to break but I just sit and cry and cry and cry for no reason at all. i hate lfe so much. I hate the world, the evil i see in it. the shallowness, the superficiality, the self loving self centered egocentric personalities that only care about themselves and think that their problems are end of the world situations. a girl loses a guy and its the end of the world. a guy cant get the car he dreams of. a student fails an exam...these things feel like the end of the world but if they knew what it was like to wish death upon yourself every single waking moment they would know true pain and misery and the worst part is that i know i am doing it to myself...i need serious help but am stuck in a situation where i am utterly helpless without giving up my life....giving up what i have worked for my entire existence. school, college, my career....it would all be washed away for nothing.
in the grand scheme of things we are all so insignificant. the scale of the universe and the length of time....infinity. we are but a fleeting moment. then what? what comes after? i dont believe in god in the religious sense, i believe in a center for all energy that is the source of all life, physical reality and all the variations and parallel universes that exist based on the infinite deisions we make every single day unknowingly. i am lost.
i am totally lost and alone.
I often put bullets in the gun and hold it to my head and in my mouth just to feel the cold metal. to feel what my dad felt before he pulled the trigger. to get as close to his last moments as i possibly get. I want to go to the hotel room where he did it. I want to spend a night in the very same room, stay in the same bed, feel his energy in the last location his soul occupied. Its a weird twisted thought but I cant help but want it more than anything. The only time I am happy is on OC. the only time I stop worrying is on OC.
it is the only thing that makes me feel normal and feel like maybe things will be ok but when it wears off im back down even worse than where i was 6 hours ago when I started. It is a terrible vicious cycle that I am trying desperately to break but I just sit and cry and cry and cry for no reason at all. i hate lfe so much. I hate the world, the evil i see in it. the shallowness, the superficiality, the self loving self centered egocentric personalities that only care about themselves and think that their problems are end of the world situations. a girl loses a guy and its the end of the world. a guy cant get the car he dreams of. a student fails an exam...these things feel like the end of the world but if they knew what it was like to wish death upon yourself every single waking moment they would know true pain and misery and the worst part is that i know i am doing it to myself...i need serious help but am stuck in a situation where i am utterly helpless without giving up my life....giving up what i have worked for my entire existence. school, college, my career....it would all be washed away for nothing.
in the grand scheme of things we are all so insignificant. the scale of the universe and the length of time....infinity. we are but a fleeting moment. then what? what comes after? i dont believe in god in the religious sense, i believe in a center for all energy that is the source of all life, physical reality and all the variations and parallel universes that exist based on the infinite deisions we make every single day unknowingly. i am lost.
i am totally lost and alone.
Hey there,
You still on this thing and being sober?
My hubby and I were in the same boat as you. We read a lot of other blogs and said man, our withdrawal is so much worse than other people's!! We were snorting 10 80's easily a day....
But I think on top of w/d from these things, they make you feel worthless. Try looking into AA, it's free, and not just for booze:-)
You still on this thing and being sober?
My hubby and I were in the same boat as you. We read a lot of other blogs and said man, our withdrawal is so much worse than other people's!! We were snorting 10 80's easily a day....
But I think on top of w/d from these things, they make you feel worthless. Try looking into AA, it's free, and not just for booze:-)
You're story literally just put tears in my eyes, and if I could put you into my pocket and save you from everything..I would. I am infact an oxy addict myself. But, I do know one thing for sure, Waking up and reading you're story...saved me from making a really bad decision today. So know, that no matter how bad life may seem...continue to tell you're story...because you will save others, and to me..there is nothing more rich in this world then knowing you have effected others lifes in such a positive way!!
I just read this string and joined the community. I have been living with the devil for several years now. It started when I was going through divorce and my best friend had cancer. He started sharing his pain meds with me and we would go to the casino together and get high like it was both our last days. He is in remission and I picked up two nasty addictions. I quit gambling and ramped up the opiates. I though I was fooling every one but my family sent me a email recently stating that they know I am an addict. Now I find myself in a really bad situation. I borrowed a lot of money from clients that was supposed to be for investments and I am completely dependent on oxycontin. I am so depressed because starting to feel like I have no chance at ever having a happy ending to my life. I have worked for thirty years and I nothing to show for it. I am now estranged from my family, friends, my kids. My ex doesn't want me to see my children. I am 200 grand in debt and I worry that I may never be able to pay it back. I my very existence is a nightmare and I too fantasize about a freak accident that will just take me out. The irony is I won't increase my dosage because I can't afford it and I don't even get the euphoria of oxy anymore, I just take enough so I won't get withdrawl symptoms. Mid life, broke, addicted, skinnier than sh*t , depressed, haven't even touched the opposite sex in years. I used to be a healthy, happy, intelligent, handsome, functional man.
Hey man just wanted to drop in and say I have felt your pain and know what it feels like to be confined to a room and overthinking every step you take just to have your pills to feel normal or even to leave the house. I work from home now, I can't complain but it's do to losing my jobs because I woke up every morning and stared at the ceiling for a few hours feeling like a piece of sh*t trying to find motivation and energy to deal with the day or just a reason to live that day through. Some days I just stuck to the bed or room. I felt no love for anyone, eventually couldnt date girls anymore because I couldnt love or have a sex drive due from the addiction. Dumped a gorgeous girlfriend of mine for no reason other than I couldnt feel anything. All i felt was misery and depression.
Now just know that it all does get better, get through the wd's which last about 10 days or so but the worst is over in less than a week. Try to find something to keep you occupied and positive and force yourself to get out to start relearning to live your life again. NA works for most so try hitting meetings whenever you can especially if you are having a bad day. NA didnt work for me but talking to someone works. Message me if you need anyone to talk to.
Now just know that it all does get better, get through the wd's which last about 10 days or so but the worst is over in less than a week. Try to find something to keep you occupied and positive and force yourself to get out to start relearning to live your life again. NA works for most so try hitting meetings whenever you can especially if you are having a bad day. NA didnt work for me but talking to someone works. Message me if you need anyone to talk to.
have been on 10mgs of methadone for 5 days now and am getting by quite well. I am going to colorado with my family for a week starting the 24th and will be away from all drugs and out int eh wilderness for 8 days totally clean. When I get back I aim to be off everything, methadone included.
Please pray for me, send me good energy, and hope I can do it.
Thanks to all that have supported me and given me uplifting words of help, I appreciate it more than you know and it helped me through some of teh lowest of lows in my entire life. I cannot thank you enough and with my mothers support I will get my life back. Thing are looking up for the first time in almost 2 years. and I am happy about that much at least.
Please pray for me, send me good energy, and hope I can do it.
Thanks to all that have supported me and given me uplifting words of help, I appreciate it more than you know and it helped me through some of teh lowest of lows in my entire life. I cannot thank you enough and with my mothers support I will get my life back. Thing are looking up for the first time in almost 2 years. and I am happy about that much at least.
Isaac as you can see from the replies so for ,that your not alone. Alot of us have been where you r now. Its great that you can see and admit your problem. You can get over this. It will take work on your part. i wish there was an easy way, but there isnt. But ur not in this alone. Depression is a major player in coming off opiates, Do like others have said here and find some help. Try, as hard as it may be to get out and get some sunshine on you and even a little exercise ,even if its just walking around the block. You have a very powerful message and will be able to help others oneday. But Isaac right now its time to help urself. Ask any and all who can help. Don't you be ashamed, Addiction happens to millions of people. Please keep posting . God Bless ya
Your doing just great. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are really pulling the pins out of a big block in your life. You may be suprised by the way things start to go your way when you do the right thing. I know it hurts you to hurt your loved ones, but give them credit for the desire and sstrenth to help you. I'm sure they would not want you to try to do this alone.
Thanks for the words and the help. I only did 15mg of methadone yesterday, 10 at about 1 pm, and 5mg at 11 pm before bed. as usual I couldnt fall asleep until about 5 am, and my alarm gets me up for work at 7 am but I had to snooze for 2 extra hours. This is really affecting my attendence at work but i cant seem to sleep at night at all and for the past 2 or 3 weeks, it takes until 5 am typically to actually get into a real normal sleep.
Dont worry, I will not harm myself. I have my mother and my brother to think about and would never put them through another suicide in the family. I have been thinking about telling my mom about my profile here so that she can see what I am going through and see that there are other people here who care and are going through the same thing. I am just so ashamed of letting this happen to myself. That is feeding the depression enormously.
I have been on 50mgs of sertraline for almost 2 years now, and it always worked wonders on my depression. I have alcoholism, addiction and depression coming at me from both sides of the family so i definitely have a genetic predisposition for this kind of behavior and while I have never struggled with anything in my life besides depression, i know the thought that I turned to OC will kill my mom inside. I cant unsend the messages I sent her but she hasnt responded yet. There is a chance she hasnt seen them yet, but I am so afraid of getting that phone call.
My mom has been nothing but supportive and loving and caring my entire life and has sacraficed as much of herself as she can to make the lives of my brother and I better, so I know when she learns of this it will bring her to tears which hurts me even more. Everything I think about hurts me even more there is no upside or brightside to this, no way to spin it to make it seem OK.
My ex-girlfriend got here last night and will be looking after me for the next week. I reached out for help because the OC is one of the main reasons she left me. And the OC caused me to behave in ways that were not myself and to lie to her and the people who cared about me and wanted to help me before it was to late so I guess I can say the OC was entirely behind why she left 6 months ago. She knows I am off it and have been stuggling the past 2 months and wants to be here with me at this crucial and difficult time.
I am seeing a doctor this afternoon, and he wants me to see a CDRP doctor and get me on a program. I explained that I do not have the money for it and have been undertaking my own detox program for the last 6-8 weeks, and while I have slipped very slightly here and there, I have never done more than 60mgs and typically only fall back to smoking 40. I am offically down to 15mgs of methadone for the first time, and have not required any yet today. I am going to try and make it as long as I can because I want to get through this, not drag it out. I have my EX for love and care and support to get me thru it so I will have help. I expect to be taking another 10mgs at around noon or 1 pm again today since I have only had 5mgs in almost 24 hours now.
Thanks for all the help. I will keep updating to motivate myself along and track my progress and if I feel weak this will be the first place I go.
Wish me luck with my Mom, that is a phone call I am dreading more than anything previous.
Dont worry, I will not harm myself. I have my mother and my brother to think about and would never put them through another suicide in the family. I have been thinking about telling my mom about my profile here so that she can see what I am going through and see that there are other people here who care and are going through the same thing. I am just so ashamed of letting this happen to myself. That is feeding the depression enormously.
I have been on 50mgs of sertraline for almost 2 years now, and it always worked wonders on my depression. I have alcoholism, addiction and depression coming at me from both sides of the family so i definitely have a genetic predisposition for this kind of behavior and while I have never struggled with anything in my life besides depression, i know the thought that I turned to OC will kill my mom inside. I cant unsend the messages I sent her but she hasnt responded yet. There is a chance she hasnt seen them yet, but I am so afraid of getting that phone call.
My mom has been nothing but supportive and loving and caring my entire life and has sacraficed as much of herself as she can to make the lives of my brother and I better, so I know when she learns of this it will bring her to tears which hurts me even more. Everything I think about hurts me even more there is no upside or brightside to this, no way to spin it to make it seem OK.
My ex-girlfriend got here last night and will be looking after me for the next week. I reached out for help because the OC is one of the main reasons she left me. And the OC caused me to behave in ways that were not myself and to lie to her and the people who cared about me and wanted to help me before it was to late so I guess I can say the OC was entirely behind why she left 6 months ago. She knows I am off it and have been stuggling the past 2 months and wants to be here with me at this crucial and difficult time.
I am seeing a doctor this afternoon, and he wants me to see a CDRP doctor and get me on a program. I explained that I do not have the money for it and have been undertaking my own detox program for the last 6-8 weeks, and while I have slipped very slightly here and there, I have never done more than 60mgs and typically only fall back to smoking 40. I am offically down to 15mgs of methadone for the first time, and have not required any yet today. I am going to try and make it as long as I can because I want to get through this, not drag it out. I have my EX for love and care and support to get me thru it so I will have help. I expect to be taking another 10mgs at around noon or 1 pm again today since I have only had 5mgs in almost 24 hours now.
Thanks for all the help. I will keep updating to motivate myself along and track my progress and if I feel weak this will be the first place I go.
Wish me luck with my Mom, that is a phone call I am dreading more than anything previous.
I used to be on 280mg oxy a day and doubled that at times. Switched to methadone and tapered down to just 5 mg a day. The thing I wanted to tell you is that I tryed the methadone before I started on the oxy and had such a bad depression from it that I had to go off it. I have a history of BAD depression and always take some type of AD. The second time I went on methadone I didn't have any depression from it at all. I don't know what made the difference, but it could be contributing to your depression. I asked my Dr.'s about it and they said they had never heard of depression as a side effect, but I'm here to tell you it can cause it and bad. You may actually be less depressed when you are all the way off. You have done such hard work already, get whatever help you need to keep going and remember the methadone may be makeing your depression worse all on its own.
Ok. I agree with Vicki SO much, YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW. You are going through withdrawals, thats all.
Your story is heartbreaking, the worst I have seen on here. It actually brought me to tears. I was popping 15-20 vicodin a day AND I HAVE been where you are right now. I had 400 dollars on me years ago, and contemplated buying a gun to kill myself. Thats how bad the withdrawals were. I'm so glad I DIDNT GIVE UP! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You have a future ahead of you.
Don't let these pills get the best of you. You could function just fine WITHOUT them. Remember the life you had before pills??? YOU CAN have that life again. You can! And you will.
Please listen. I wrote my parents and some true friends last night. You can send them a link to this forum. I suggest you do that. They will understand and they can see everything you have posted. Get it out in the open. Its amazing your story is so similar to mine. Its hard to do, but your parents or close friends THAT DONT ENABLE YOU can help you. They care. Tell anyone you can that has YOUR best interest at heart. I'm sure your family does.
Like you, I deleted numbers yesterday, and turned my phone off. I'm starting over, and you can too. My email is shut off too. Just stay on this forum, ad keep us updated PLEASE. We are all in this together. That takes lots of courage, (cutting off your phone), but you did it!
The guilt sets in, but trust me, don't beat yourself up about it. Im on day 2 clean. YOU WILL GET BETTER. You want to, I know it. Running out of money is the best thing that has happened to you.
Please don't take that route of commiting suicide. You can beat this, you want to and you will. Just stay on the forum, thats what I am doing. This is helping me so much.
Keep strong, keep strong. You can message me or anyone else. We are all going through the same things you are. Keep posting, and write everything you feel. Peace.
Your story is heartbreaking, the worst I have seen on here. It actually brought me to tears. I was popping 15-20 vicodin a day AND I HAVE been where you are right now. I had 400 dollars on me years ago, and contemplated buying a gun to kill myself. Thats how bad the withdrawals were. I'm so glad I DIDNT GIVE UP! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You have a future ahead of you.
Don't let these pills get the best of you. You could function just fine WITHOUT them. Remember the life you had before pills??? YOU CAN have that life again. You can! And you will.
Please listen. I wrote my parents and some true friends last night. You can send them a link to this forum. I suggest you do that. They will understand and they can see everything you have posted. Get it out in the open. Its amazing your story is so similar to mine. Its hard to do, but your parents or close friends THAT DONT ENABLE YOU can help you. They care. Tell anyone you can that has YOUR best interest at heart. I'm sure your family does.
Like you, I deleted numbers yesterday, and turned my phone off. I'm starting over, and you can too. My email is shut off too. Just stay on this forum, ad keep us updated PLEASE. We are all in this together. That takes lots of courage, (cutting off your phone), but you did it!
The guilt sets in, but trust me, don't beat yourself up about it. Im on day 2 clean. YOU WILL GET BETTER. You want to, I know it. Running out of money is the best thing that has happened to you.
Please don't take that route of commiting suicide. You can beat this, you want to and you will. Just stay on the forum, thats what I am doing. This is helping me so much.
Keep strong, keep strong. You can message me or anyone else. We are all going through the same things you are. Keep posting, and write everything you feel. Peace.
I started with 3 before bedtime, 3 when I woke up, then as needed thruout the day. I had also spent a month weening down my usage of OC itself.
there was about a 2 week period where I would do between 6 and 10 80mg pills in a day smoked. That much would result in OD and death if sniffed. I weened down my usage to 3 a day, then 2 1/2, then 2, and eventually down to 1 a day for about 2 weeks before transitioning to doners.
Id say my starting dosage was around 100mg. That is WAY more than enough to cause OD in a person who is not opiate tolerant, so you have to adjust the dosage based on your known tolerance. I had an enormously high tolerance as pointed out by the doctors I have talked to thru out the day today. Some addicts require as much as 500mg to get by, by my dosage was based on getting off OC, not making myself feel fine.
You are going to have to face the withdrawls at some point and I didnt want them to hit me all at once so I weened down then shifted to doners and weened down on those to keep the physical withdrawls to a minimum. I went through the crawling skin, hot/cold sweats, muscle/joint pain, nausea, vomiting, and now im in the depression phase.
I tried to do this as gently as possible but you have to know that a high dosage isnt going to help you at all, just face the withdrawls as mimimally as you can tolerate and work your way down. I did a lot of internet research and you do some trials to figure out how much you need to get by. Then you take away 5mgs every 1-2 weeks. then when you hit 20-30 you might consider a decrease of 2.5mgs every week or 2 depending on how you feel. By my schedule I will have worked my way off methadone by the end of july, by I am gonig pretty agrressively at it and at a faster pace then a chemical dependency clinic would normally plan because I just want my life back. I am willing to deal with some discomfort, just not enough to make me useless during the day because I have a job I need to keep. I take enough to get by, but not enough to take away all teh syptoms....It is a delicate balance that is different for everybody. Just find what works for you, the minimum amount required to get by, then cut out 5mgs every week or 2 or as tolerated. Then at the end cut even less because this last part I here is very difficult.
I will be able to tell you in 3 weeks how difficult. As for now, I still have to get thru it myself.
there was about a 2 week period where I would do between 6 and 10 80mg pills in a day smoked. That much would result in OD and death if sniffed. I weened down my usage to 3 a day, then 2 1/2, then 2, and eventually down to 1 a day for about 2 weeks before transitioning to doners.
Id say my starting dosage was around 100mg. That is WAY more than enough to cause OD in a person who is not opiate tolerant, so you have to adjust the dosage based on your known tolerance. I had an enormously high tolerance as pointed out by the doctors I have talked to thru out the day today. Some addicts require as much as 500mg to get by, by my dosage was based on getting off OC, not making myself feel fine.
You are going to have to face the withdrawls at some point and I didnt want them to hit me all at once so I weened down then shifted to doners and weened down on those to keep the physical withdrawls to a minimum. I went through the crawling skin, hot/cold sweats, muscle/joint pain, nausea, vomiting, and now im in the depression phase.
I tried to do this as gently as possible but you have to know that a high dosage isnt going to help you at all, just face the withdrawls as mimimally as you can tolerate and work your way down. I did a lot of internet research and you do some trials to figure out how much you need to get by. Then you take away 5mgs every 1-2 weeks. then when you hit 20-30 you might consider a decrease of 2.5mgs every week or 2 depending on how you feel. By my schedule I will have worked my way off methadone by the end of july, by I am gonig pretty agrressively at it and at a faster pace then a chemical dependency clinic would normally plan because I just want my life back. I am willing to deal with some discomfort, just not enough to make me useless during the day because I have a job I need to keep. I take enough to get by, but not enough to take away all teh syptoms....It is a delicate balance that is different for everybody. Just find what works for you, the minimum amount required to get by, then cut out 5mgs every week or 2 or as tolerated. Then at the end cut even less because this last part I here is very difficult.
I will be able to tell you in 3 weeks how difficult. As for now, I still have to get thru it myself.
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