We r only as sick as our secrets. I was the same way. I kept that secret to myself n also the only ones who knew were the people here and my step dad. I kept relapsing. It was a few days After my step dad passed away that I told my family about my disease. He was gone and no one knew my secrete but him. He took that to the grave with him. Anyways, when I said it out loud suddenly I felt free. Thousands of pounds have been lifted from me.
Get back to the rooms and b honest, open-minded, and willing. That's what it took for me to finally click in exactly how powerless I was and that I couldn't do this by myself. I admitted defeat and accepted help from others.
Good to c u posting. Was thinking of u the other day.
Head up and you can do this. Your worth the fight.
Hey Vix, You can do this. Get a concrete taper plan with a new doc if you can. This will help you stick with it and give you some relief that your not going this all alone. Is there someone you trust that can hold your meds while you taper, preferably out of your house? The fear of detox is always worse that it is so deep breath and know many have gone thru this and you will soon be ok. Life pill free is an unexplainable feeling. NO more little pills controlling your every move and taking over your mind. We're here for you so get busy girl!
A couple of things...You need to tell your husband. If you don't you will use again behind the secret. Sorry, but that is the reality for 99% of us.
I too am a recovering alcoholic; haven't drank in 28 years, but 12 years in to my sobriety I found pills. In my opinion, based on my own experience, getting off pills is much, much harder than stopping booze.
As far as tapering - granted, it is easier on you physically, but does draw the mental part of detox out. AND, most addicts cannot taper unless there is someone there to keep us on the program by hiding the meds. If not, knowing that there are pills in the house will lead us to use.
I wish you only the best but have to caution that, as you probably know by now, our heads will never stop talking to us. If, for one second, we think that we've "beaten" the addiction, we are on the road to relapse.
Thank you all so much for you honesty and suggestions. That's what I need to hear right now. This secret is literally killing me and I hate it. The drinking everyone who knew me knew I had a problem but unfortunately, for me, this addiction is easier to hide. No stumbling around, slurring my words, driving erratically, etc. I hate myself for allowing myself to get involved in these damn pills. I’ve seen what it’s done to others, I know they can f*** up your life just like alcohol or any other drug, yet I still took them. I really wish I could undo my decisions! In the meantime, I will hit a couple meetings and try to talk to my hubby very soon. He’s a recovering pill popper so he’s very familiar with the whole thing. I know he’ll understand and support me so I need to put my guilt and shame aside and do what’s best for my future. THANKS everyone!!!!! I don’t know what I would do without this board and all of YOU!!!!
Hi Vix - so good to see you posting! I know how much you want this and think it is great that you have tapered down your intake by half; that is a huge accomplishment! But as you know it is going to get harder and harder as your dose goes down, and you will constantly be fighting off the withdrawals. If a continued taper is how you want to go about this, that is great, but it's going to be really hard to do unless you have someone to hold the pills (in a location UNKNOWN to you), and dole them out to you in strict adherence to your taper plan. And trust me, if they are in the house, you will find them. It's like the addict mind can sense even the slightest moment of weakness (and we all have them, we are human, right?), and pounce on it; never fails. Unfortunately I know this all too well after several failed attempts at tapering over the years.
It really stinks what happened when you tried to get your doctor involved. Can you get in to a new doctor or some other health professional that can help you with this? I KNOW and completely understand that telling your husband is a very scary thing; but telling this secret will increase your chances of success a thousand fold. Until you do this (tell him or someone else that you will need to be 'accountable' to), you are fighting an uphill battle. And I know all to well how painful this is, having struggled with it for over 15 years, as you know. I had to go the c/t route and on the second day I spilled it to my husband; all the ugly details of my 'little secret', it was truly a life changing moment. He was upset and hurt at first, but I think it actually 'explained' a lot of things to him. Since that day he has been my number 1 supporter and could not have made it (6 months clean :) without him. I wish I would have trusted in him much, much sooner. You have some thinking to do. I know you are ready and really want this - the pills will never just 'let go'. You can do this - the fear of it all is actually worse than just doing it; it really, really is. Life without pills is better than I ever could have imagined - NO more secrets, no more counting pills, no more wondering if I had enough for the weekend or a trip out of town, no more waiting for mail orders or the Fed Ex man, etc., no more guilt and lies.....and the money issue? Enough said. You CAN do this. It will not be easy, but every single second of emotional and/or physical discomfort you will have to go through is well worth what you will get in return. So glad you are here; this is a huge step.....keep going. You are not alone in this - we are here to support you through :)
Wow, that doctor sure became a doctor to help people eh? Anyways, I sent you a PM as you sent me one, so that says everything I had to say. <3
Wow, thank you all so much for the feed back and giving me the support I need right now. This taper plan is difficult but I was just at too high a dose before to jump. Now that I'm down from 240mg/day to about 85-95/day I want to get used to that amount and then drop more. I'm already having several w/d symptoms but they're not as severe as they would be if I went CT, I assume anyway. And I haven't had a buzz from the pills for soooo long! I don't get why it's so damn hard to stop, it's sure as heck isn't fun anymore :( It just drains my bank account, barely gets me through my work and home day and layers me with guilt and shame.... doesn't seem worth it to keep dragging it on and on. And I know I need to tell my hubby, especially because I know he'll be supportive and understand. In fact he's been narcotic-less for quite a few years now so he knows exactly what I am, and will be, going through.... That darn shame and guilt seem to want to stand between me telling him right now. Watch, eventually I will and I will only wish I would have done so sooner. Regardless, your suggestions mean a lot to me and I honestly consider them all. My stinking thinking got me into this situation so I don't know that my thinking will help get me out... I need people like you! Thanks.
NOW is the time to tell your husband. Especially if he's been through addiction and detox, why wouldn't you? Answer - because your head is in control. Your addict's brain knows that once you've told him, then you've put up another roadblock to using, and it won't tolerate that. When you post, you write all the things that you think you should/that you think we need to hear, but it's hollow. Again, it's the meds running the show. I hope I'm wrong, but even IF you make it through your taper without falling off the schedule, then you will relapse. Sorry, but I've read so many posts from people who aren't willing to take the hard steps, and they fail. I wish you all the best.
"I realize many disagree with the taper approach but I'm determined to keep it up, if I can."
Definitely do what works for YOU. It sounds like you have a plan and you will definitely get support from this forum. I'm glad you decided to seek help. In terms of telling your husband....I think all are in agreement that it should be done. In terms of doing "NOW"....well, I wont try and sway you either way because I know everybody has different circumstances and situations in life. One thing that I find hard to swallow in recovery are those that preach the "one size fits all" motto. I took the custom made/tailored approach and broke away from the mold per say and have been clean 3 years 4 months. Im not saying you should do that as that would be hypocritical of me.
Im just saying, as you continue and move on in your recovery do what best for you and right for you. Many people quote statistics about relapse and say you will relapse if you dont do this...or do do that...etc...etc. MY advice is not always believe the hype. I find it interesting how people tell others not to try something because it didn't work for them. And again...unless people site there sources....take "statistics" like a grain of sand.
"At least I have a full tool-box which I accrued from being in AA for so many years. "
Thats great to hear! But you may want to as some other tools to that box since the tools accrued weren't enough to keep you clean. Im not criticizing but rather making an observation. NA/AA is a great program....saved many (not me) but Id do some soul searching and see what the missing piece is. Could be therapy...could be church...who knows? Im not going to push my program on you but rather just offer my support and ear.
Well, I wrote a book here...sorry, I haven't been on an a while. Hope to hear more from you and read about your successful taper and recovery.