Well here it goes:
I am a self-centered, narcasistic, selfish, arrogent, stubborn, attention-seeking, addict. I have done many things in the last few months that have made me ashamed of myself and I do not even feel worthy of life. I lost my job last wednesday because I was going to work in withdrawal and ****** up on Suboxone and falling asleep or just sitting there in pure anxiety, and on top of that i was doing things to beat the system and appear that I was working when I really wasn't. Lesson learned, people are alot smarter than you think and if you think you are above the law and can get away with whatever you want, your wrong. I still tell everyone that my position got cut and I wasn't hitting quota (partially true), but really I am 100% at fault for my termination. So now I lost my job, and almost my Fiance whom might I add is carrying my 1st born child and due in August. I still have been geeking out on Oxy's as much as possible except for the last week, which I have been clean and plan to stay clean. I was spending all of my money, roughly over $120 a day, and I even stold money from my parents after they borrowed me $100. I justify all of my actions in the cause of getting high and I think that I am invincible when I am not. I was so broke and desperate for a High that I crushed up 2 IR 15 MG morphines and chopped em up and boiled em and put them into a spoon and tried to shoot it up; this act definitely ranks my top 5 stupidest actions on my part. I must have missed the vein or something because instantly when I pushed the plunger in a big blobbly wealt appeared underneath my skin in my tissue and was about the size of half a pool table ball on top of my skin and itchy redness spread throughout my whole arm. I went into a severe panic attack and almost brought myself to the emergency room but decided to pass out instead and woke up when the swelling went down.
In the meantime my girlfriend and the rest of the world have been under the impression that I was clean but really I have been doing Oxy's in secrecy without their knowlege.
Today was anothe wake up call, even though I have not been taking any Oxy's I have been taking my prescription of Suboxone to get me through the W/D I think i am on like day 4 or 5, but I chopped up a half of a pill on the bar in my basement and while my girlfriend was in the bedroom I tried to snort it really quick and she walked out just as I was snorting it. Yeah I know totally stupid for a number of reason, but the even more stupid thing was that I tried to lie to her and say that I was putting the powder in my mouth because it taste bad and breaks up easier that way, but I was caught with the dollar bill tooter and everything and she knew, so there was no denying it. This time she pretty much did leave me, she left and was set on looking for some place to rent and I started wheeping like a baby. I realize now how good she is to me, and how big of a piece of **** I have been to her, and I know I have a baby on the way and I need to be there to support her alot better. I am a horrible person and I need to make up for all of my wrongs by doing right from now on. I am going to try to wiend down off of the suboxone and start taking anti-depressants to try to be happy with normal life. I know I really should go to treatment but I cant bring myself to tell my family I have been lying to them the whole time and I have a kid on the way and a house to pay for and I am trapped with no way out. Today I had to beg for my girl not to leave me, and she even said that she doesn't know who I am anymore, I dont even know who I am anymore. If there is anyone out there that has read this and is thinking about taking any kind of mood altering drug, dont do it. It will make normal life dull and pointless, and you will soon need that drug to feel good about yourself and your life, and you will hide behind it when problems come along; the harsh reality is that no matter how many lines of Oxy I snort, or the 6 vics that I take, when the buzz is gone my problems are still there and need to be taken care of. Since I have been struggling i have let my finances go, almost all of my credit cards and my line of credit are past due, my insurance and medical bills are in collections. I fear that I am in to deep to get out, and the worst part is that I still find myself craving and planning to try to get more OC's or Vics, and thank god my dude is out because I have no control over actions when it comes to OC's.
I am about 5 days clean and my main concern right now is getting another job, paying more attention to my deprived GF, and trying to be happy with normal life and eventually be off of the Subs.
Is there anything additionally that I can do to help keep my mind off of the Oxy's and stop the cravings other than the Suboxone? Any tips or encouragement would be appreciated, I fear that my life literally is on the line and I know that every person has their breaking point and I think that I am playing with mine and I have been sad and depressed for far too long, and I have lost way to much and now it is time to stop, no more "One more time" cons or excuses; I need to stop for the sake of my beautiful fiance and babygirl Jazzlyn, but most of all I need to stop for me.