Shame & Stupidity

[limodan73]

Hello all, well, REALLY no other way to put this.. slipped again. More like dove this time... This is twice in 6 weeks. First time was genuine slip. Due to crappy circumstances. This time was all me... Too ALL that may have been wondering were I was.. I feel stupid for not getting on sooner and talk about it. Maybe I would've found some type of control over myself. But I didn't. And I'm sorry if I worried anyone.  Just can't seem to snap out of the fall, once I trip... or dive as this last time. I would love to blame everything on the immense amount of pain I deal with every day. Or my unbearable home front. But... I can't. Not this time. I made a stupid decision... thinking I was fine. Strong enough to have them in possession for a brief amount of time. But.. nope.  Couple of stress triggers, and spasm in my back.... And I was off to the races.  I feel so Damn stupid to be back on day two....  Just so UN-nerving to know how quickly I can make the wrong call... And find myself drowning in shame... stupidity.. And remorse.  This *****..  Anyways, just wanted to check in.  Gotta drag my a$$ to make dinner for my Family. Hope everyone else is doing better than me. Be back on in a bit...  Hope my friends forgive me and my stupid decision making.
Me

[limodan73]

Yes... Yes it was. And thanks for reminding me. Need to send her a note.
Been so caught up in my own misery, I forgot. And that's not me. Read it earlier, at 100 words per second... And it stopped me cold... for a moment. If that ain't power... would like to know what is?

[VICourageous]

I know I had to leave her a note. I thought Lily's was a Good one.

[dominosarah]

Very powerful last comment, dont join Stacey, join me~

[waterLilly7]

I am 48 years old. When I was 17 my good friend had a friend named Stacey. I always heard him talk of her and her problems with heroine. This was decades before my issues, but anyway, her dad had to keep buying her a staple (some thing implanted in stomach so that she would not feel the high if she were to slip) well her dad spent 5 thousand each time she had it implanted. It was about 5 times when her dad said no more, Her had then became the jerk.
Well, thru the years and all the lifetime stuff I hadn't heard of Stacey for decades, I just bumped into my friend and asked about Stacey. She is not 17 anymore, she is now 48, like me, only she is still hooked. She is still using. After 30 years, she is still using. Her life is a waste.

If you want it to change you have to jump off don't be like Stacey, please.

it's been a year for me. That one WD was enough for me! It has been that year and finally I am free. Please jump off now, don't join Stacey, join me.

hugs,
Lily

[limodan73]

Whew...  alright. Got a date with the youngest to play video games. Hope I don't have any more BS... Thanks again everyone.

[limodan73]

Thanks O SO much for the support guys.. I have probably said this a thousand times, but hey, OCD comes with this "deluxe edition"  I've got myself in... if not for the support of everyone on this site, I would've given up...long ago. I have no idea as to the why... But I find strength and support here. Thanks you, all of you, for the strength to crawl back and NEVER give up.
Me.

[ariley13]

Hang in there. I know how hard it is. Just be the bigger person. It can be rewarding sometimes. I feel sorry for people like that. They obviously are very unhappy with life, and make it their goal to make everyone else unhappy. Misery loves company, right? Just try to be civil, and not get caught up in the BS. No sense stressing and fighting in front of the boys. Just refuse to let her have any power over you. Refuse to let her determine your mood.

[toothfairie]

i'm sorry Dan.....just please hang in there....these "trials" are rough but try to hang tough and don't let your SO take your power....you have that and you need it to stay the course....this too shall pass....don't give in to the feelings that she is provoking....don't let her win.  

[limodan73]

HA!  And here we go again! I have now been told, within less than a 20 min window, of how broke we are, how it's my fault, and then asked to score for her! I wonder if there is a record for being such a ruthless, manipulative ***** in such a small time.... wow.

[limodan73]

Alright, so far so good!  Really Don't any tongue left too bite.. So I'm just smiling through gritten teeth! But I'm doing it.. I'm doing it..

Vic, as I was reading you're post, I was multi-tasking... Had to stop and 're-read.. I heard "Just Kill Them!" In my heard and starting laughing while my son's were telling me "Their" side of a story.  HA! My oldest didn't find this very amusing....But.. Thought you might get a kick out of that.

[VICourageous]

Yes Dan that deserves a Big High Five and a Dancing Party..Ya!!! Lets Dance. And it will not be the Last.
Yes just shake your head and smile. You are so much better then to let anybody bring you down..Chin up my Friend.
If you see someone with out a Smile give them yours or kill them with kindness!!!!
Bless

[dominosarah]

Dont give your power away to her.  Just smile and walk away.......Tough i know but just try it.

[limodan73]

Thanks guys... popping in when I can. REALLY apprehensive about what's going to happen soon when the SD gets home. But gonna do my damndest to ride my "OH HE'LL NO!" Wave. Lol.. Thanks again everyone for the support.

[dominosarah]

You get an extra point for that one so score 2!!  Way to go on the flushing.  We love flushing parties here.

[ariley13]

Oh, am I proud of you buddy! That is awesome! That took some guts to flush your stash, especially in the midst of wds and dealing with all the BS at home. Hooray for you! Rock on my friend!

[limodan73]

Well, on a better note.. stumbled upon a "stash" I forgot about, didn't even hesitate. Took them STRAIGHT to the Toilet, yelling "O HE'LL NO!"  And flushed the whole Damn bottle! Score one for me!

[limodan73]

O my Lord... I swear I MUST be a Psychic.... Just off by a week. I don't know. Seems like everything was just WAITING for me to fall.  So it could jump up and stomp me in the head. Events over the last couple of days would be hard on me if was on top of my game....Makes it really tough when you're crawling on you're knees...Ugh!  Just needed to vent that out...  

[nursegirl6572]

Thanks for the clarification.  I took "sutured" as actual stitching like one would have done in the ER.  LOL.  I thought, geez, how efficient!  ;0)

I'm sorry to hear about your wife...definitely sounds like she needs to be compliant with her meds, that's a shame.  You need to focus on YOU right now.  I'm sure that's hard when you've got the extra challenge of dealing with your wife.  

Thinking of you.

[jifmoc]

Dan, I've missed you. So glad you wrote. This sheeyte is sooo dang hard; you know the saying "it's a miracle if an addict is sober for one day"? Well, we are all a bunch of miracles then. There are ZILLIONS of folks who are in this very problem but are not even attempting to try and fix it. Everyone on here is TRYING their dang best. The fact that you've posted, and are here and are pissed and annoyed and ashamed means you are working it. You fell. We all have fallen and we all may fall again. But YOU got back up. You're getting back up. I am having the worst time of this: unrelenting emptiness and sadness. Still some low energy. And I dont feel positive at all. I don't see or feel any benefits to doing this at all. But I'm still doing this cause everyone of here (including you) tells me over and over and over that it WILL GET BETTER. As ariley calls it, Blind faith. That's all I got.

By the way, how specifically did you acquire these last pills? Maybe if you wrote it out, you can find where you got into the danger zone and how to prevent it. Did you take a bottle's worth over a few days or what? I think being specific would really help. And also help those who read this.

Glad you are okay!

[limodan73]

Hi, thanks for chiming in. Appreciate all the help I can get.  As far as my son's knee, I sutured it. My understanding may be off. But to me, that's cleaning out any debri ad then bringing the tore skin together carefully and attaching them with small pieces of of medical tape. I tried to get him to let me super glue it, but no dice. Lol
As far as the she-demon, absolutely she needs to take the medication that was prescribed for her. During that 3 month time she did, she came to terms with the things she was doing. And we were happy. But that was years and years ago. And I couldn't talk her doc into giving me the meds in projectile form.

[nursegirl6572]

Kind of off topic, but I have to ask...you stitched your son's knee at home?  Are you a medical professional?  Just curious, it just stood out and looked funny.

I don't know all the background, but it sounds as though your wife may be depressed?  Does she often isolate and show little interest in things?  Just throwing that out there, because if that's the case, she needs to get some help.  I deal with depression, and there are days it's HARD for me to function, with everything...even stuff with the kids.  

Hope things get better for you buddy!

[ariley13]

I would imagine for the same reason being bad feels so good sometimes! Seriously though, it's not the being good that stinks, it's the stressful situation. Biting one's tongue for long periods of time is never good. It's hard to constantly be under so much stress, and always having someone pooing on you! Trust me, I know all too well.

[kyle505]

Although you may feel more comfortable here, you really need to keep going to meetings. Find one where you can just sit; the good groups will not pressure you in to talking - you share when ready.
I stress this because you need face to face time with other addicts; you need to see their pain, their conviction, their happiness when they've overcome an obstacle. And you need a sponsor; a person that you can TALK to , 24/7.
The walls need to come down in order for you to recover; other addicts have been through what you're going through, so go to meetings and let them help. I believe that this is very, very important.
K

[limodan73]

And this "Nice Guy" stuff is gonna put me in an early grave. Lol, why is being good so bad some times? F-me!