T-3 days

[catlover8]

In three days, I will begin detox. I will begin on Thursday. I have to work Thursday and Friday, but then I have Saturday and Sunday off. I am scared of being so sick at work. I am taking the attitude of busy is better than sitting there. I want to make sure I get out and at least walk. I have a great friend helping me, and I have been telling him everything you all have told me. Like, I told him that exercising helps, so he is ready and watiting for me to exercise with him. He knows I need him to be available this week for whenever I need to get out of the house, so he is. I wish I could tell my husband, but I can't. Best friend is all I have. Who wants to sign up for the flu? I am really glad that I cut all sources off and "friends" that would tempt me because I am feeling scared and weak. That makes me more apt to say forget it. But, I will not! I will post and continue on this road. I keep thinking courage and strength are moving forward even when you're scared. I want to find aftercare. I want to start as early as next week. I hope that is not too early.

[catlover8]

Thank you for your storie. I am just listening to you all and taking it all in. 90 meetings in 90 days. OK. I never heard that before. This is my main priority. Get better. I just wish someone in my world knew this is a sickness and that it takes work to get better. I just wish my mom could understand. Listening and learning from people like you has been what has got me this far. I have cut off sources and I am going ct on Thursday. Never back down. Then my first NA meeting is Sat night.

[ThisIsIt983]

Hey girl,

I read the same book And it was a very good book. I enjoyed it very much. Even though we later found out it was fictional he knew a lot about rehab & d&a. I went to rehab when i was 28 for a cocaine addiction. A long term, 6 months, all women rehab. It was tough. The toughest part was being around woman and women only. One minute we loved each other the next we would be fighting like sisters.The only time we were around guys was when we would have to go to an NA or AA meeting. It was mandatory that we go & it was mandatory that we tell our story before we "graduated". And they did have an actual graduation party for those that completed the whole 6 months.

Anyways like you i was young & had never been to any NA or AA meetings. I was terrified to get up & tell my story in front of a bunch of strangers. It was such a large meeting that we had to use a mike to talk thru when we told our story. After many months of going it was my turn & I told mine. I was so scared my knees were weal. But i got thru it & having the help of my group of rehab girls really helped. Since then I went off & on to meetings thru out the years until so much time had passed & i moved several times i quit going. I have also not touched cocaine in 17 yrs.

The people at these meetings come from all walks of life. I lived in a one of the largest cities in the US at the time. But no one judged you whatsoever. As i said they came from all walks of life. From homeless people to cops , lawyers & even doctors. It didn't matter what drug was you doc. No one cared. Almost all of the people were there just to get clean & sober and stay that way. I was hit on quite a few times by guys at the meetings but guys will usually hit on a girl no matter where she is at. I would just politely turn their invitation down. I certainly wasn't going to pick up a guy. I was going because my life depended on it.

I even had a sponser Turned out that her & i went to hs together. I also made a few male & female friends that i could call anytime of the day or night & i did a few times. They always answered  & even came to my house a few times when i was really struggling. So don't be scared what people will think of you because you don't think your drug is hard enough. Hydros can & will kill you taken at large quantities over a period of time. They wreak havoc on your liver not to mention a possible overdose that could kill you. When you go you will say " Hi my name is Katie & I am an addict" Then if you want to share you can say i am addicted to prescription drugs or opiates.  

You sound like you have a really good friend who has been sober for a long time. I would ask if he would go with you the first time or times you go. Those meetings & the people there do not judge at all. They are like the people on this forum. No one judges anyone. This forum reminds me of an NA or AA meeting except there is more anonymity than a meeting because we are not face to face.

You are already thinking of aftercare and as Sara posted that is a very important, probably the most important, part of recovery. If you don't have some kind of system in place when you are feeling weak & want to use you just may. It helps so much to talk with others & if you go to a meeting & get a sponser they will do everything in their power to keep you from using again. A sponser has to have at least a year of sobriety if i remember correctly.And they will ALWAYS be on call for you whenever you need them. There are so many caring people in those meetings. They kept me clean. They say 90 meetings in 90 days & the people who really worked the program stayed clean & sober. I was one of the many who did. Sounds like you will too.

Good Luck & God Bess         Katie

But about 5 yrs ago i was prescribed oxy & other pain pills for chronic pain & back & neck surgeries. I took everything as prescribed for the first coupe of years then my addictive personality kicked back in. I should have known better but i really never thought in a million years i would have got myself addicted to pills. I know i am looking into NA meetings though i live in a very small town now & they are much harder to find than where i lived most of my life.

[catlover8]

I have told him several times before, tried to quit and told everyone. Confessed and they were really nice. Husband and parents. Now, they have all just had it. If I told my husband, he would know I was getting the money from somewhere. Then, he would know I have been taking out cash adcanves on cards to get the pills. I have put us so far in debt. He knows what I have done before, but he thought I had been clean for a couple of months now. I think if he knew the extent of it, then he would leave me. I just don't want to have to deal with that and getting off the pills at the same time. I love him, and he is a great person. He knows I am startging NA, and he knows I am addicted to pills, he just doesn't know I have to go through the withdrawals again because I have been using so often and so recently. So, for now I will just rely on BF. He is a good amount of support, and my other BF is too. She just lives far away, or I think she would go with me to NA, too. She is really supportive. So long as I can get through WD and not say much but that I have the flu and am not feeling well, my husband will support the going to NA thing.

[Tamethepain]

Hey kiity cat!
Why can't you tell your husband? I fessed up to mine yesterday & I kept it for five years! Secrets come wrapped in shame. Are you worried because your marriage is new? I thought that confessing would end my marriage because of all the lies I was telling. He was on to me however. Your husband may be suspicious of your behavior & girl, lying & keeping more secrets will do you more harm than good. Praying for you! XOXOX

[jlb191]

catlover,

just wanted to say you have come such a long way since your first post.  You are taking all the right steps and i am really proud of you.  I am scared like you about na, but i was just thinkin...if you can do it and i know you are scared then i can do it too.  I am going to make my phone calls right now.  You keep that positive thinking up.  You will do great. Jeri

[catlover8]

I am just scared they will see how young I am (26) or that maybe they were really hard core with something really terrible to withdrawal from and here I am whining about hydro withdrawal. I read that book A Million Little Pieces. I think about his account (although fictional) of a rehab situation and going to group. He said they looked down on people that were not as "hard core" as others. I personally think that if you have a problem with alcholhal, drugs, or whatever, it is all important to address and help. I hope they feel the same way. I want to take my BF with me, but I am afraid or standing up and talking in front of him. Mostly, I am scared I will cry a lot. This whole thing has made be very emotional. I am not sure if I want him to see the major damage this has done on my life. At the same time, I am scared to walk in there without him holding my hand. He has this way about him that just reassures me and calms me. And he is good at the tough love thing, so if I started to chicked out, he would make me do it. I know I talk a lot about my friend, but we have known each other since we were in the third grade. I have never known how selfless one can be until I had him to help me through this. I have a husband and someone who should be there, but I can't tell him in fear of losing the marriage. So, my friend has really stepped up to guide me. He has also had a problem at one time with drinking. He is stronger than me, and just kicked the habbit. It was bad, too. But now he is completely sober. Has been for like five years, so he gets it.

[sweatinit]

You're kidding me right?? Not like you?!? We have never met and I adore you! No worries... Tehy will love you and if they dont it's their loss (but i know they will :)). It's scary but your doing the right thing here. I am super-duper proud of you. Really! Sounds liek you have a great friend by your side. I had one friend and that was it. The problem was that she lives liek an hour away. She did come over one day and I really appreciated it. Hang in there and before you know it, you'll be 2 weeks clean! Keep posting and you know you can PM me anytime.
(My handle should have been "cant~type") haha

[catlover8]

I found the NA dates and times on the internet. I am going next Tuesday at 8:00 PM. I am scared the people will treat me differently or not like me.

[dominosarah]

You have a good plan and getting aftercare right away is a great thing.  The sooner the better........a wise man once told me to "Go with a god given spirit that fears nothing"  Its okay and normal to be scared of wd but you will get thru this and it will be so worth it in the end.         sara