How can I help?

[jmh83]

I am very concerned about my son who is 26 years old. I am fairly certain he has an addiction to oxocodon or percecet...maybe both. He has not yet confessed this addiction to his father or me, but we feel confident he is definitely addicted. I am just looking for advice about how to effectively approach him with our concerns.

[jmh83]

Thanks for all the feedback. I feel like we are in a good situation to help him get through this. Our son is a hard worker and level headed. He works for his dad who owns his own business and despite the possible addiction, continues to show up every day and work hard. The one thing that made us suspicious was the amount of money he is spending with nothing to show for it. He is behind on his bills, and as of lately, has resorted to stealing....totally not his style. He has basically quit taking care of his responsibiliities. His father and I have been divorced since he was very young but did the best we could to make sure we had equal input into his upbringing. Until he reached adulthood, we maintained very good communication because we realized early on that he would "play" us. Over the past several years, we have not communicated as much...I suppose we figured it was time for him to grow up and accept responsibilites on his own. We recently reestablished the lines of communication and made a surprise visit to our son to confront him with our concerns. He now realizes that we are keeping each other informed about his daily activities. Since his dad writes his paycheck and he lives in a home owned by me, we can be in control of the situation and help him overcome the slump he is in. We have sent the message that we are here for him....not pissed at him. At the same time, we are demanding things change. I told him last night that regardless of the mistakes he has made, in my eyes, he still walks on water....and I mean that! As for the enabling...I feel quilty as charged. If he needed money, I bailed him out without questioning all the while suspecting that something wasn't quite right. That will stop now as we have put him on a budget. He is no longer being handed a paycheck on Fridays. He is being made to put so much back for bills and so much in a savings account and still has around 150.00 per week for expenses. He seems to be receptive to this...I think. He still denies that there is a problem...just that he does take percocet occassionally to help him sleep. My response to that is that if he is putting in a hard day's work, he shouldn't need help sleeping. Well, that is our situation in a nut shell. I guess what I am needing now is where do we go from here and what signs should we be watching for?

[wannabefree330]

I agree w/the above comments.  Try to approach the situation with understanding and love.  Once He realizes he has a problem it will be easier for him to come to you for support.  There are things you can do for yourselves that will not enable him anymore.  If you can give us more info about your suspicions it will help us give you more suggestions.  Does he live w/you?  If so, does he pay rent?  How is he getting his pills, and how much does he use?  How does it affect his life, and how does it affect YOURS?  If he is addicted, it will only get worse, unfortunately he has to realize this and WANT to quit.  There is a difference between being physically dependent and being an addict so having the above questions answered will clue you in on which one you're dealing with.  I commend you for reaching out for help.  Alot of family get disgusted w/their loved one and that just makes matters worse.  We'll look forward to your reply.

[joann1975]

Brit is right....don't confront or approach it with anger. What is it that makes you think he is addicted? Does he live with you guys? As an addict in recovery I will tell you it has to be his decision and he will have to hit his personal rock bottom. I see he has great parents by the fact that you are concerned enough to find this forum... you may show him this forum as well...and if he does want help NA or AA would be good.

Best of luck!

[britney1663]

It depends on where he is at in his addiction. I can only share that when my parents confronted me the first time around I was in total denial so their concerns had little affect on me. It wasnt until I came to realize that I was completly out of control that I was receptive to their help. It may be somewhat of an eye opener to him to let him know that you are aware of the problem, but dont expect him to be honest or willing. He has to come to that place on his own. On the other hand he may be ready to quit and your help may be welcome...its hard to say. Either way I would find a way to confront him without anger. If nothing else, it will help you get it out into the open. Then he will know that he can come to you when he wants help. This is just my opinion based on my own experience...hope it helps some!

[twolve]

The one thing I can tell you is that the only thing that is truly his fault or that he could have controlled was ever taking it in the first place..I am 10 days off of pain killers and i was beginning to get dependent on them before i had any idea and when you become dependent there is not much you can do other than just quit..try and understand how it happened and where he is at mentally right now. Hope that helps!