The Cycle Starts Again

[vamom51]

I posted a month or so ago.  I had tapered and then quit.  Couldn't handle the WD's.  Got another script.  Didn't plan it out too well and ran out ON VACATION!  Last two days were absolute h*ll.  Was clean for 7 days.  Relpased again.  So here I am, wanting, needing, any help I can get.  I'm 24 hrs since my last (and final) pill.  The mental part just takes a hold of me and I can't seem to fight it.  I'm just at my wits end.  I want to be rid of this monkey, but at the same time, the monkey seemed to make things better.  UGH!

[vicluvr28]

I am in the same boat as you!  I made it through 6 days c/t w/d and then my mind went beserk...I had to have some.  That was 4 days ago.  Of course I told myself that I would only have one...I'm pretty sure even I didn't believe that lie.  Now I'm right back where I started.  I'm so disgusted with myself but at the same time I am "on" again so I really could care less...if that makes sense?  I'm just not sure that I will ever really be able to kick this habit.  I obviously can't offer much advice except that please, please, please don't do what I did...please don't make it through the worst physical w/d's only to let your mind (or your pain) get the better of you.  Just, be stronger than me!  

[Ha_Cha_Cha]

   I just said " If only they could come up with an anti depressant that made me feel as good as my vics I wouldn't have this problem".  It's not like I walk around wasted all the time, I FEEL GOOD  I have energy, motovation and a sense of well being.  Without them I'm a depressed slug.  But I know the monkey will kill me the first chance he gets, I'm afraid of him now, he's stopped doing his "job".  
  When my usual dose stopped doing "the job" of course I upped and upped and now I'm afraid of an accidental overdose.  I know my tolerance is up there but how much can my heart/body really handle?  I'm scared.    

[oxygirl487]

i know how u feel hun...but when the w/d is over u will feel better and things will look different....wouldnt u like to wake up in the mornings and not have to take a pill b4 u do anything else?....i was so bad i would have my (i snorted oc's) line fixed the night b4 so i could do it firstthing in the morning....if i didnt have it ready i was shaking so bad i couldnt "fix" it.......i dont miss that life and u wont either sweetie.....one day sober is better than a million days high........i know u feel like **** right now but think of it as the "flu" that helped me alot.....treat it like the flu also......u have any valium? anything from the thomas recipe?......u can do this sweetie..u have too.....myself i coudlnt see spending another 32 yrs liek that.......as for the "feel good" feeling as u keep using u dont even get that anymore it becomes more of a "take a pill so i wont be sick" feeling...for the last couple monthsof my addiction i didnt get the high...honestly i didnt ....i just had to have them so i wouldnt be sick and no matter how many i didi i wouldnt getthe feeling like u do when u first start using them...it only gets worse if u continue this pattern..so why not keep w/ding and get it over with?....i promise u will see and feel so much differntly .......ok im done preaching lol

[vamom51]

My DOC.....well, I was an equal opportunity user.  Whatever opiate I could get my hands on (Percocet, Vicodin, Tylenol 3, etc.), I would take.  My preference was Percocet, but that was harder to get from the doctors.

Funny thing, my usage wasn't that high.  4-6 a day (closer to 6 if I'm honest with myself).  These last pills I had, I was really good and only had 3 per day.  Last one yesterday AM.

I try not to beat myself up over this, but it's hard.  I really want to be rid of them - but sometimes I don't really.  It just seems like I could do so much more with them.  And I FELT good.  That is what I miss the most, just FEELING good.

[worried878]

You have not failed...I came close to getting some yesterday as I have the flu...get back on track...get your plan back together....For me I had to do whatever I need to to stay away from my DOC and am only 13 days clean....I hope to stay that way but if i fall i do not want to just give up.....dont

[toxictome]

Welcome...glad you're back.
Getting clean is the easy part...staying clean is the hard part.(this is the mental part)
Have you thought about attending NA mts. or counseling? We need to deal with the underlying issues of why we use to feel better. If we don't deal w/ thes issues, they send us back out there.......
We keep doing the same things over and over... expecting different results.
"Nothing changes, if nothing changes!"
Good luck and keep posting!

[oxygirl487]

what r u taking?... im sorry that happened to u on your vacation that must have been hell.....the mental part is the hardest i have learned that lesson as well.....if it wasnt for this forum i dont know if i could have done it to be honest.....do u have anyone at home for support or thought about na meetings? i dont do the meetings but i have some support here at home and i have this forum that i run to daily...lol.....posting helps alot...no matter how u feel its better to post it or email someone and tell them how u feel that to keep it bottled up inside u also have to learn what ur triggers r...by that i mean things that happen that makes u wanna use...for instance with me its being alone or going to a social thing of any type or being around my mom..pretty much everything is a trigger for me...lol.....u have to learn how to dal with it in other ways....my way is to get on here or read a good book ......hope this helps and im here if u need to talk .....god bless u sweetie.....

[newgirl2708]

Same boat....I keep thinking...one pill, one thousand pills...it doesn't matter. It's never enough..never. My monkey holds my hand, drives me around, makes coffee, does my work for me...He's a wonderful monkey. Why would I get rid of him? Are you kidding!? Look at all I can do with him...!!! Unbelievable! I am not this person, I am not. Oh wait, just past a mirror. Guess I am. I, like you, will have to wait for the script to run out and be done I guess. The mental part-the panic-is the worst. After reading what I wrote, it doesn't do much encouraging, but maybe it helps knowing someone else feels exactly the way you do...maybe. I know it helps me on a daily basis. Be strong, keep posting. Everyone here really does care, they all have very good suggestions. And there monkeys are right there with them. ;)

[Imtired]

I know how hard it is.  I'm almost on day 9.  I was feeling so good, then yesterday...well if there would have been a pill...But this am I feel wonderful again!  I kept telling myself that tomorrow will be better and just get through today for now.  It took me several months of barganing with myself to taper, ct, run out. So it was the later. Ran out, have no more.  Won't be able to get anymore. But I'm so glad I found this life without those pills.  The monkey is still watching me from behind the bushes, I keep facing him because if I turn my back for a second, I know he'll jump right back on.  
I know you quit once, so you know how you're body will react.  Whatever you feel coming on, try to counteract it with knowledge of the previous detox. Take vitamins, otc pain meds, etc.  I'm sure you know the drill.  But if you have any other questions, there's alot of very helpful people that have really good suggestions.  The Kratom powder has helped many.
Take care.