The search...

[hydrosnot4thisgirl]

Happy Day 11 to me!! Everything was/is going great today, cleaned the house, did some laundry & football! So I'm feeling good & being pretty productive. I'm doing my hair and decide I want a specific barrett so I start looking for it in my jewlerey boxes... Nope not that one, maybe this one and then it hit me. The anxiety. Looking for that barrett  reminded me of "the search". I felt lightheaded and nauseous... I just started thinking about all the hours I would spend searching for pills. Thinking... I know he must've hid them in the garage or in the kitchen or in his drawers. See the hubs would always have to hide the pills when we got them bcuz I always took more than I should and then of course we'd run out early. Well I enjoyed the search... A scavenger hunt for pills wooo hooo! Thinking of every little, different place he could've or would've hid them. I always found them, I always won the hunt. When we'd come up short I'd say, well you were the one who hid them, are you sure you haven't been taking more, how could we be short? Lies, lies, lies!
Looking for thid barrett today reminded me of how sick I've actually been, the ridiculous time wasting things I've done, the hours and hours and HOURS I wasted on the search.
Mostly it remided me of much and how often I would lie to my husband who I love and adore. I would look right in his eyes and lie... Try to convince him he was crazy or forgetful or thoughtless. Of course he always knew and would rarely say anything. It breaks my heart. I've bared my soul to him in the past week, admitted every lie and deceitful action. Said I was sorry about a TRILLION times. He just looks at me tells me he knows, forgives and loves me. I'm luckyan we're both lucky to come out on the other end of this together. It makes our marriage a stronger one I know. Who would have guessed just looking for that lil barrett would have turned me inside out for a minute. How long will the little things like this last? Will I be looking for something in 10 years and maybe still get this feeling?
Anyways, I'm still on track. This just freaked me out a lil. That Saints game was awesome... I knew I shoulda had $ on it! Hope everyone is doing well today! Stay strong! :) xoxoxo

[JayFive]

I TOTALLY know where you are coming from. I am forty days clean from oxycontin, methadone, hydrocodone, valium, and fentanyl.

I feel wonderful and every day I feel something new. Something real. A way that I haven't felt in years and in way that I have never felt before. Corny words but they are so valid. Recovery is worth it.

Don't beat yourself up too much for lying to your husband. Understand how serious that was. Understand how doing that again can and will jeapordize the trust and honesty that marriage is built upon. Your behavior was purely addict behavior. Most people can't understand this but you are completely normal. Thats so great that you have such a person in your life.
Your question>>>"How long will the little things like this last? Will I be looking for something in 10 years and maybe still get this feeling? "

At first my mind raced and raced. It was a never ending battle and there were many times where I thought I might use. The real key is never let your mind know that you are going to use. Never convince yourself that at one time you will or have to "go search" for that pill. I like to think of it as a really really bad break up. Pretend that your high school sweat heart broke your heart. Just shattered it. At first you can think of nothing else and the thought of never being with that person again is unimaginable. Over time you start to move on a little more and little more. Eventually you have a new healthy love and the thought of being with that old person has no appeal to you.

Much like the pills. At first we think that there is no way we can stop forever. The forever word is HUGE and overwhelms many including myself. The answer is time. Just like that high school sweat heart. At first we are so crushed, scared and lonely. Over enough time we have moved on and thinking of that relationship just makes us laugh.

Hope any of this helped. I can be pretty damn cheesy. lol.

[pharma9]

Sounds like a treasure hunt.Perhaps your husband could hide the money you have saved by quitting in different places and you can look for it.Might satisfy some of those searching urges and keep you on track.Good for you on day 11.Soon it will be 2 weeks and then 1 month and so on and so on.Did you find the barette you wanted?If you are anything like me you will find it next month some time when you are not looking for it.