This addiction is getting old. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

[happynessbythekilowatt]

So I am back, sorry that I pop in and out every good while but when I get clean I just try to stay away from everything that reminds me of pills(opiates).

It's going on 5 years now and I can't stop.
I went to rehab may19th of last year and stayed clean up until november. I did slip up a few times in that period but I never let it get to me and just pushed past it. I guess the depressing winter is a trigger for me.

It is a year later and I fell off harder than ever. I probably ate over a few thousand pills last month.

I am a smart guy, I can make money doing anything and I make good money but yet I am always broke. I make more money than anyone I know yet I find myself bumming ciggs and what not to get by because guess what? I spend all of my money on pills! It's disgusting that I spend 50+$ a day on pills.

I don't even get involved with women anymore because of this, how can I be with someone when I am always broke? Not to mention if I fall for someone and they screw me over I will fall off again. I cut myself off from the world when I binge so no one knows and so they can't judge. I get really skinny and look pretty bad when I fall off and binge for a couple of weeks.

This has grown on me and I am not happy. Waking up everyday with my main priority being getting pills. Pills pills pills are on my mind all day and it is driving me nuts, not to mention how depressed I am.

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this, I've been really suicidal. The thought crosses my mind at least a few times a day. Funny thing is, I'm not a suicidal person nor have I ever been and I've had a rough life. I've always been strong minded. I feel as if I'm ruined.

[more0then0a0virus]

dominosarah has a good point. you need to think about her questions seriously...

Let your priority be to stay clean. And do whatever it takes to stay clean, as long as you aren`t hurting anyone directly. You have to be ready 4 this inside fight. It will be hard, but you can do it if you really want to...

Keep talking to us... Best wishes...

[dominosarah]

How bad do you want to get and stay clean?  What are you willing to do to save yourself?

[more0then0a0virus]

you know you can replace one addiction by other? My cousin was in war (Croatia-Yugoslavia) and his mother replaced the pain 4 shopping.... It`s also not so good... believe me (even if i`m young, I have a ant who spends more money daily than she can afford herself...)

And yes, we will reply...

Take care of yourself... And if you would feel scr*wed up, I`m in that faze, so i guess i will understand

Good luck...

[Eebb26]

Glad u r doing good and having a good day. Just keep posting, we will keep replying. I don't sleep much plus I have kids that dont sleep weil so I'll be in here later if u want to talk.

[GMcp]

that was to many words i dint proof it so sry if its messy

[GMcp]

i hear ya, i too get so depressed if i dont have pills, i went to the hospital the seccond day gettin clean a few weeks ago and told them they had to save me or i was going to take my car and fly off a cliff, ***** cuz i got 3 kids that need me, so they set me up with a theripist that comes to my house and helps me with my addiction and anxiety and all that sh**. i have good days and bad like today i was so depressed to i just got busy in alota ways lol, but after all the shopping and time with my man and more shopping and now watching crazy frog i feel better, its just one of those things like if your like me you know you are gona crave so bad your most likely gona just give in and get some, but whats diff 4 me this time is i want to be clean, and i havnt felt that way in a long time, i think my mood stabilizers are helping me keep a level head, i crave and i crave bad but theres so much more to live for in my opinion, i want to be clean and sober and i normally get what i want so i think i can do it this time, but i know ill have a message like yours im sure in the next few weeks where sh** will just get to hard and ill want to pick up, but thats why i have this therapist i just call her and she talks me outa it, but really like how long is that gona last lol if i wanna use im sure ill do it so i know the ups and downs too babe, u just gotta force yourself, think about a life with a pretty girl and money and how that can make you even more happy than pills :) you can do it just keep your gard up and keep up the good work!

[ImDONENoMore]

There was one thing that came to mind for me from your most recent post and believe me, I totally understand how you don't want to put your family through the pain of your needing more help.....

only how much pain do you think your family will experience if you don't survive your addiction and they lose you for GOOD?  PLEASE give some serious thought to returning to rehab (especially since your insurance covers the best place in the state).  PLEASE!!  :)

[more0then0a0virus]

Firstly, you don`t have to apologize… we know that internet isn`t your whole life…

Fear of living does make sense… I understand. But don`t know how to deal w/ut. Are you afraid of getting exposed? Or to admit your feelings? Maybe that`s one of yours biggest problem while you`re quitting…

Is it so easy to buy a gun in USA?

I can relate to you… Family problem sounds familiar… I don`t really know how to deal with it…

Reminding on the pills is not easy thing 4 you, but probably some of them went trough it. Try to tell them what you are telling us. Maybe someone can relate to your feeling…

I`m not an expert, but I heard subs WD is fuc*ing awful… so… search about in on MedHelp before you try it. There are some good articles…

And you`re welcome (by everyone, I guess)… Enjoy (that`s polite teen expression to say goodbye in Croatian)

[happynessbythekilowatt]

Hey guys sorry on the late reply, I had to go work a 9 hour day moving stuff out of a mansion all day. Haven't taken any pills though!

Anyways, I am a strong person, @dominosara, I guess I am afraid of living if that makes sense?

Honestly rehab helped me a lot because of the fact that I was in for 17 days between there and the mental ward, I forgot to mention that part.

Last may I couldn't take the withdrawling 3-4 days a week then screwing up which I did for about a year straight trying to get off them.  I'd fall off and binge then i'd go back to trying to stop.

One night the withdrawls got so bad I had the urge to do the deed and bought myself a gun. I sat long and hard and thought about it at was like wow I really need help this isn't me.

I left my house and called 911, told them I was suicidal and that I needed an ambulance asap. I threw the gun in a dumpster  and the bullets in another dumpster as I was walking to the gas station for the ambulance to pick me up.

I was in the psych ward for 3 days at the hospital, at the time I didn't know how to get into rehab so I asked them to set me up with one. After I left there I went straight to rehab which is the best one in my state.

It really helped me but I can't go back now. My family thinks I am doing good and I just can't put them through that again. I don't like seeing them suffer over my problems. I am have that good of a soul. I do need to stop putting everyone before myself though which is a huge problem I deal with on the daily.

Anyways with that said, I didn't expect this many comments guys, I am going to try to reply to you all so here goes!

@CATUF
1)I never went to meetings after rehab because they don't help me. They just make me think about my addiction and the pills too much.
2)I am keeping secret that I fell off again, my family thinks I'm still on the straight and narrow.

@Eebb26
You sound just like me, these mood swings are crazy man! You should add me on here if you ever want to talk, I give good advice and support myself =]

@more0then0a0virus
I get them legally and illegally, I don't get them from my primary doctor, I go doctor shopping. Thanks for the support!

@vicki595
I know I remember seeing you around on here almost every time I come around. You always seem to give good support! I did go on a suboxone regiment in the summer of 09 and it worked but the problem was I didn't have enough knowledge about subs and didn't know how addicting they were until I was on them for 2 months. I couldn't get off them so I went back to pills. I was thinking about trying maybe a 1 week sub regiment this time, maybe a week and a half. The hardest part is the first week of withdrawls for me which is why I always make it to day 3 or 4 then slip up. Thanks for the advice, it is greatly appreciated! =]

@shilohpeace
Wow, you have a kind soul to open up your home to addicts in need. That is truly amazing. If I had the money I'd do the same! I do not currently have a safe zone to go to , to detox for 3 weeks. I do have good insurance and can only go to the best rehab in the state but I am still on my dads insurance and he will find out, as I mentioned above, I can't tell them this time around. They think I am doing good and I don't want to put them through the pain like before.

I do have the strength to get through this, I've done it once before. I don't know why it is hard like before I went to rehab all the sudden, this is craziness. When I withdrawl I don't mope around anymore and be a zombie, I force myself to do chores around the house, to go to work, to go out with friends. Hell in day 2 of withdrawls I go and play hockey for a good few hours because excersize makes me feel good and I love the sport. Before rehab, I could of never done that. It's strange.

@jimmbosan
I feel you on that all the way!

@BlueOpiate
Before rehab, the most I ever made it was 12 days cold turkey. Day 12 was christmas day and I was lonely because I moved 45 mins away. I ended up buying 20 pills and went to eat christmas dinner by myself at a big boys because it was the only place open. Rehab really helped me before, maybe you should look into it man, you sound just like me.
As I mentioned above I did try sub before and I am thinking of doing a short regiment again. Feel free to add me man, I'm always down to chat. Thanks for the support bud. =]


And I'd like to thank everyone who decided to give a da.mn about me and show me some support. You are all wonderful and I wish the best to every one of you.

You guys can add me and chat me up whenever you want, I am a good listener and I give awesome advice and support.

[BlueOpiate]

Reading your post sent a cold chill down my spine.  I am new here but it sounded like something I could have wrote.  We are very similar, been on the pills 5 years, a lot of the same feelings, etc.  Only difference is I have never been to rehab and I have never been off the pills for the amount of time you had been.  I never lasted through acute WD which is about 10 days for me, except maybe 1-2 times and that was before I switched from hydro to oxycodone.  I have had thoughts of ending it because I felt like a waste.  I thought, what kind of man in his 30's can't be strong enough to put these things away?  Well, I came to the cold hard fact that this thing is stronger then me.  I just couldn't stop on my own.  I am currently on day 3 of suboxone which is something I never would have thought I would be taking.  I am not a pro suboxone person and don't think everyone with a habit should be using it.  But it has allowed me to take a step back from the madness and think clear about what I have been doing to myself and others.  It has also made me realize I need to get help with some sort of aftercare because I was headed down a road of either killing myself outright or slowly with the pills or doing something to wind up in prison to get more.  I feel for you and really hope you get the right help you need and find peace in your soul to deal with this beast.

[jimmbosan]

Don't give up hope. If you feel like throwing your life away just stop living for your desires (i think thats similar to being dead because one is no longer pursuing ones fleshly wants). Abandon everything that gives you pleasure, fast long and when you feel like you are truly broken then you will come to the conclusion that you do not need anything in life to feel happy. Im going through mad withdrawal from Percocet right now... i mean i feel like death. I gotta go to work and put up with other peoples s**ty altitudes... sigh. But what can we do about it but bare through the pain because its a worthy investment? A good healthy life is very important because in the long run it will being you happiness and contentment.

[dominosarah]

What are you so afraid of?  Until you are willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay clean this cycle will continue.  You dont have to live like this.  Put your energy that use into finding pills into getting and staying clean.....You have it in you so come out fighting for you~~sara

[shilohpeace]

You are not ruined!  You are a beautiful human spirit born with an amazing gift, i.e. a brain.  Life is difficult but there are ways to learn to deal with life that have nothing to do with escaping through pills that just make it worse.  

Here's the thing. You need to make a change within your spirit and soul and you need to accept that taking these pills is making your life a living hell.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It is your destiny in life to fight as hard as you can to find that light. This will be the fight of your life, but it is up to you to find whatever pinhole of light you can find right now and travel towards it.

To me, getting off of the pills was the worst thought. I knew that once I could get clean and feel sober and feel normal and still find the power within my own mind and heart and soul, that I could survive. The worst part for me has been going through withdrawals.  I tapered off and have been flat on my *** for about a month.  But I am on my way. I am still taking moderate amounts of pain killers but at least 80 mgs. less than I was about a month ago.

I am thinking about opening up my house to help people who want off of drugs to have some place to come to withdraw.  Because the price of mainstream detox and rehab is just abyssmal.  Who can afford 50K a month to go to a rehab facility?  It is a big crock of crap and they are exploiting Americans (many of which don't even admit their addiction) for profit.  

Do you have some place you can go? Do you have some place where you can shut down the world around you for at least 3 weeks?  Do you have the strength to plow through what may seem like torture to get to the other side and to join the human race, and the way we were created to be.  Believe me, I think that people who turn to drugs are probably the most sensitive, creative, loving people on earth.. and it is these types of people who are hyper sensitive to the world.. The world needs people like you to be whole and to be present.  I wish you every ounce of strength I can send through cyberspace.

[more0then0a0virus]

To: happynessbythekilowatt
Feel free to post a comment on our opinions about your situation. You could discuss this w/us. Answer our questions. Maybe talking will help you. Maybe some of us has an idea or can relate to you and share his experience w/u. You`re not the only one here who has a problem...

And it is ok to pop in and out. That shows you did think about it; you did not deny facts. And that`s something, even though it might not seem that way. Stay here and talk, that`s my advise to you. I`m sure someone can help you. At least: to clear up your thoughts and see them realistically. Maybe it`ll help you not to feel so trapped...

To: vicki595
Thank you so much, but I`ve already posted "Have I got a problem with alcohol" a month ago... And I learned it`s really all up to me. And I can`t fight it by myself. I would like to be ready, I would like to have a will power, but I really don`t... If i had, I could succeed in this. And I complicate things, and when I talk about it, I bother ppl too much w/that.

[vicki595]

more0than0--I'd like you to make your own post on the forum. We'd like to help you.

[more0then0a0virus]

To: ImDONENoMore
OK, thanks... I`ve already talked about it and I came to conclusion it all depends on me, and I complicate it all, so it`s hard 4 me to rely on me...

To:happynessbythekilowatt
I`ve just found some article about will power. Haven`t read it, though, but it may help you:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/will-power-/show/1512705#post_6872684

[ImDONENoMore]

That's okay and totally up to you - we're here if you ever want to talk about it and I agree - it should be on a separate post.  :)

[more0then0a0virus]

stealing is just sometimes (for 2L of beer or something)... usually is not stealing, it`s just lying to my parents I spend money on food and coffees... I’m not getting any help... I know I have some problems, but can we focus on happynessbythekilowatt? It`s his discussion...

[ImDONENoMore]

Hi morethan - you do sound like you're in some trouble here - you say you're not addicted to anything yet you're stealing to buy alcohol?  Tha'ts a HUGE red flag and I think something you need to address.  What kind of help are you getting?

[vicki595]

more0then0a0virus: You are 17 years old and you have a huge problem it seems. You really do sound addicted to me. Are you getting any help with your substance abuse issues and related behaviors?

[more0then0a0virus]

Sorry, I don`t know your story. What do you mean by "amateur"? You wanted to say you have never had a relapse or? If so, it doesn`t necessarily mean you don`t have a problem. It may mean you are strong... And that`s really something...

[vicki595]

Hey!!   You and I have been members here for the same amount of time!   So, when I tell you: "It's time to get healthy", you know I know what I'm saying...

I'm glad you posted today...you need to get yourself some help very soon...tomorrow actually!  I don't often suggest Suboxone right off the bat, but it's an option you should look at and shop around for.  You're a repeater and you know you need to stop that cycle
and I believe you can!!

Do you have a doctor?  You should get a good check up, blood work,etc...talk to him/her
about what's going on with you.  You sound depressed and "stuck" to me...and if you went to AA or NA before,you need to go back and start over. Did you participate in any kind of recovery care?

Good luck!

[medicos]

Relapse seems to me strange. May be i am still amaeture.?

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, i`m not really addicted to anything but i can relate to this feeling of thinking about substance... I`m also in some screwed up faze.

I actually don`t know how to stop. Because when I got alcohol, I feel safe, but guilty, and when I don`t I do really ****** up things to get it. I lie, sneak out, take money 4 some things and end up spending it on alcohol... and I justify it w/the fact that this is my life and I can do what I want(drink), and if someone doesn`t let me do that, if someone takes away my rights, I have a right to defend them by hurting their rights(by not being honest).  ("eye for an eye" theory)

But, ppl on this forum said some things to me that are true. It all depends on us. If we want to stop, we can. We just have to have a will power 4 that. We have to try, live day by day. It`s not easy and all, but it is possible. There are many ppl here who went through it. I hope someone of them will answer you soon.

How do you get opiates? Legally or illegally? If legally, tell your doctor the truth, then he won`t give you opiates anymore. Maybe you should visit NA. I don`t know have you gone there... That may sound stupid, but it`s easier not to use when you have some support, when someone understands you.  

I also think of suicide, but won`t do it. Have u got some friends/family? I bet they would be devastated, if you killed yourself. If your life is miserable, are you ready to ruin others people`s lives?

Tell your friends about your problem; ask them to help you stay clean. Maybe some of them could help you with your finances by taking care of it. Like, you give them right to be in charge of your payment and give you average amount of money daily so you can`t spend it on opiates...

It`s all hard. And if you are not ready of if you afraid to change, you won`t succeed. You can do it. But the most disturbing things is that it`s mostly up to you. No one can babysit you all the time.

And if you have some ups and downs, it`s normal. But important thing is to have more ups. If you relapsed on one day, and felt like nothing, like all this was waste of time because you had screwed it up, you should not be giving up, because you can go up again and count it as a small “down” in a see of “ups”.

I wish you good luck... Hope it ends well...