Unbelievable....Just Unbelievable !!!

[wannabefreeagain]

Actually I really dont have the words to express everything Im feeling, and especially the mental part of this whole process of getting off the pain pills.   The mental torture,....the weirdness...the depression....the wondering if you are simply just going insane....Im not suicidal..thank god...but I do feel off and on, that I do not want life, if this is what I have to deal with.  This is horrific.  alllllll of it.  Its absolutely insane ! And I can see how people can lose their minds being in this state.  I know its my fault....but I still cannot get over the **** of this whole insane thing of pill abuse and withdrawal.  I had major surgery 8 yrs ago.  I thought nothing of it when I was prescribed pain pills (percocet).  It wasnt until maybe a yr later, that I realized that I liked how they made me feel....thats when it alllll began,  the chase was on.  I have quit and withdrew off and on, longest I went once was 1 yr.   Why isnt there a magic pill to just fix you ???   OMG  my life is not set up for me to just stop and become dumb founded....and just lay around, from the bed to the couch alllllll day, day after day after day.  I have a entire family, grandchildren...etc.  they do not know that I am sick....But it is soooooo hard to keep trying to fake it.  I am totally broken.....Im soooo out of it.  I think its like day 3-4 without pain pills.  I am familiar with the process, I just cant believe ......the *** length of time, and the fact that your brain is mush, and you cant even function mentally like normal.   The killing part is....why does it have to take soooooo *** long to fix.  I dont know if I am going to make it threw this ****.    Its toooo much to bear, waking up every single morning, still in the same *** shape you layed down in....trying to suffer threw another dead & dreary day.  No motivation,,  no energy...nothing giving me hope.  I just feel like a *** walking and breathing corpse !  Its just soooo soooo sad, that we have to suffer because of what a doctor gave us, without warning.  I had 2 other major surgeries in the past, and was given pain pills, they never bothered me.  I used them, and came off of them just fine.  I think I stayed on them toooo long this last surgery.  I dont know, what does that matter now anyhow.  Dear God, please help me....I am really going thru here...plus I believe Im menapausal, so there are some added discomforts as well.  I am just speechless,  I kinda wanna end all of this...I cant take much more.  I am a complete mess.  It is just pitiful, and it surely does not make me want to go on.  Please forgive my ranting.  Im just sooo outdone.  I dont know what is gonna happen with me.  This is too much to bear....its ridiculous.  I hate it....I ******* hate it.

[Soulscapex]

What helped me the most , was knowing this ends, it does get better, when i felt like not moving i would just throw in some upbeat music, dance music, and just go at it. it really helped, i would cry just cause i was so proud of myself for making it to that moment, now im on day 49 and lovin life.
God Speed

[jifmoc]

One of our most favorite (and toughest) members, who is no longer w/ us would say to you now: If you can get to the gym, you can get to a meeting.

[wannabefreeagain]

thankyou for your post.  I think meetings are very good,  I did yrs of aa & na off and on.  I d some yrs back approx.  12 yrs ago to help me kick a different addiction,  so Im super familiar with the rooms.  This time around, I will most definitely seeking help in every area from my church.  They also have programs there to help and support recovering addicts.  I may take in a few meetings along the way.  I also will be looking into some counseling.  I plan on not looking back.  I will be seeking  further help for sobriety.

[jifmoc]

Glad to hear that!!!:)

[jifmoc]

How are you holding up right now? Just to make sure, did you cut all your pill contacts? You can't have access to any. Let us know how you are feeling.

[wannabefreeagain]

well today my body aches and pains are calming down some.  Its just this emotional stuff now.....I still feel like emotionally and mentally numb.  I wish I could get my natural joy, and happiness, and my naturally sharp mind back!!! I did make it to the gym yesterday evening, I walked and slow jogged like 1 & 1/2 miles !    Well today will be a MAJOR test, & MAJOR stress, because it is my youngest grandaughters birthday, my son is giving her a get together.  Yeeeeppp, of course it would have to be here at my house, when Im in the middle of withdrawal !  Pray for me please.  I dont know how Im going to pull this off, like Im okay an all.  I had secluded myself pretty much away from most of my family.....some of them will be here as well.....dear lord, this is going to be challenging to say the least.  Im quite nervous.......Well gotta put my game face on...like the saying goes......fake it...until you make it !  im not looking forward to all this.   It  just feels worst because usually I would be all for family get togethers.  Wow....I sure pray to god my sick brain heals alot more b4 my anniv. and my birthday, which is approx. 10 days !!!  So Im goning to hold on to the saying....."What a difference a day Makes' !  Pray thats true.   God Bless everyone here that is struggling but still fighting for our lives back.   Thankyou all for your support.

[wannabefreeagain]

well today my body aches and pains are calming down some.  Its just this emotional stuff now.....I still feel like emotionally and mentally numb.  I wish I could get my natural joy, and happiness, and my naturally sharp mind back!!! I did make it to the gym yesterday evening, I walked and slow jogged like 1 & 1/2 miles !    Well today will be a MAJOR test, & MAJOR stress, because it is my youngest grandaughters birthday, my son is giving her a get together.  Yeeeeppp, of course it would have to be here at my house, when Im in the middle of withdrawal !  Pray for me please.  I dont know how Im going to pull this off, like Im okay an all.  I had secluded myself pretty much away from most of my family.....some of them will be here as well.....dear lord, this is going to be challenging to say the least.  Im quite nervous.......Well gotta put my game face on...like the saying goes......fake it...until you make it !  im not looking forward to all this.   It  just feels worst because usually I would be all for family get togethers.  Wow....I sure pray to god my sick brain heals alot more b4 my anniv. and my birthday, which is approx. 10 days !!!  So Im goning to hold on to the saying....."What a difference a day Makes' !  Pray thats true.   God Bless everyone here that is struggling but still fighting for our lives back.   Thankyou all for your support.

[motye51]

Just remember....and keep saying to yourself....THIS ISN'T PERMANENT....I'M NOT GOING TO STAY LIKE THIS!!!  I repeated it to myself often when going through w/d...although, honestly, I was scared ********.  Your original post is so full of emotion and really all over the place...which let's me know it's real!   I appreciate real....it's frustrating, debilitating, and unreal what we have to go through to get off....but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  You just have to keep fighting...like a WARRIOR!  
Not being funny...but at some points of my w/d I used anthem type music to help me through. Keeping ear buds in my ears with loud anthem type music. Music to fight by ( just nothing too dark!).  I also watched really good comedy stand ups....Louis CK, etc....laughing brings physical relief...I PROMISE!!!!

[wannabefreeagain]

Even more depressing is the timing of my withdrawal...my birthday is in approx 10 days !!!!    What a way to kick off my summer & my birthday,  also are anniversary is the day before my birthday !!!  uuuuggghhhh  Im sooo sick.  Im praying some kinda light come to my brain before then,  so I can at least help my husband to enjoy our day.  This is soooo awful.  Well no sense in dwelling on it....it is what it is now...but I am speechless just about.  Im going to try to go to track.....before I start crying again and make myself sicker.

[wannabefreeagain]

Even more depressing is the timing of my withdrawal...my birthday is in approx 10 days !!!!    What a way to kick off my summer & my birthday,  also are anniversary is the day before my birthday !!!  uuuuggghhhh  Im sooo sick.  Im praying some kinda light come to my brain before then,  so I can at least help my husband to enjoy our day.  This is soooo awful.  Well no sense in dwelling on it....it is what it is now...but I am speechless just about.  Im going to try to go to track.....before I start crying again and make myself sicker.

[VICourageous]

Oh!! I hear YOU loud and clear! I will send a Prayer out too!!

I really like the feedback you got from our MH Family above (ALL).

Unfortunately these type of meds do so much to our Brain Chemistry and our Body. The Mental is the hardest part, as it does take SO much time for this to balance back. I was just like you in my first couple of yrs, but I also had lost both parents and other family members. I also was told I had a silent heart attack and had 2 stents put in.  I was a mess, still detoxing mentally and this happen!! I asked who was testing me here many times.
One of the BIGGEST things that help me during my whole Recovery, going on 4yrs now in Sept, was this site and all the Angels on here. I got phone numbers from some and they REALLY helped me out. Plus the whole time I was going to meetings too. Both AA/NA and Church. NOW days I go to Bible Study and work with the Church too! This has been my big wake up call and it has really helped.
Just try to keep yourself out of your head the best you can. Remember the Bad Guy will try his best to bring you down and bring you back to using. It does become a Spiritual battle. YOU will WIN!!!! Try your best to get out and reach other ppl who walk this walk. TALK to everybody who knows what going on or who is very spiritual. Eat Healthy and take some good vit/min to replenish what we have lost. Drink Protien drinks and lots of fluids. I think you know the drill to get you past the physical, but the mental will take Support! We have to do the Foot Work!
I will be Praying for YOU..You did make it a Year once, I know you can do it again.
Bless U
Vickie

[clean_in_ks]

My first comment didn't show up.....so I posted to you again and NOW they are both there...hahahaha!!  That's how it goes☺

[clean_in_ks]

You're doin' it, girl  Every single minute you don't use, you are healing.
And you don't EVER have to do this again.  Hang on and keep fighting!

I read this yesterday and thought you might like it:

"When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test."  (Trust in the Lord)

If you can find a Celebrate Recovery group at a church in your area, it would REALLY help to work thru your feelings and have others to share with too.

You must be on day 5?  Is that about right?  Our attitudes play a HUGE role in our recovery.  And our bodies believe everything our brains tell them.  Try to change your "self talk" to POSITIVE thoughts even if you don't believe them yet.

I'm going to try something brand new today for my chronic pain.  I'm having an evaluation and acupuncture treatment.  I'm willing to try ANYTHING that will reduce pain levels.  I'll be thinking of you and praying for you throughout my day♥

[wannabefreeagain]

Thankyou again clean.  I wish you releif and success with your procedure.  I love the inspirational saying too. I think.....I will try to go to the track and at least walk some laps.  Im gonna try.  I guess, if I can mustard up the strength to even get dressedI   Just so I wont be sitting around home just pouting and going crazy. Even tho I do not feel like it at all. I want to just give up....but Im not going to kill myself. so I have no other choice but to try and get some control over my circumstances. Im going to have to quit hiding, and stand up and fight for my life back.  Guess it will count for something.  I am so outta sorts, hard to function, when so disoriented and defeated, but Im gonna pray, and block this mess out, and try hard to focus on healing, which means I have to push...I have no other choice.

[wannabefreeagain]

Thankyou again clean.  I wish you releif and success with your procedure.  I love the inspirational saying too. I think.....I will try to go to the track and at least walk some laps.  Im gonna try.  I guess, if I can mustard up the strength to even get dressedI   Just so I wont be sitting around home just pouting and going crazy. Even tho I do not feel like it at all. I want to just give up....but Im not going to kill myself. so I have no other choice but to try and get some control over my circumstances. Im going to have to quit hiding, and stand up and fight for my life back.  Guess it will count for something.  I am so outta sorts, hard to function, when so disoriented and defeated, but Im gonna pray, and block this mess out, and try hard to focus on healing, which means I have to push...I have no other choice.

[clean_in_ks]

Good for you, girl....!!!!
You should be on day 4 or 5, right?  It WILL get better....PROMISE!
Hold on with all you've got.....you are healing every single minute you don't use....and you will NEVER have to do this again~
Keep talking to us.....we're all with you.....praying for you and rooting for you♥

[dominosarah]

I remember being flat on my back, broken, sick and close to dying.  I opened my eyes and realized at that point i had only one way to go and that was up. You keep talking to us as we do care and understand exactly where you are at.

[wannabefreeagain]

aaawwww you bringing tears to my eys.  Thankyou.  I have no other emotions except the tears, shame...fear....panic....sad...pity for myself.  I am a believer!  I dont know when Christ is going to show up and show out in me.....but I am gonna wait.  I will endure this attack, I have too. Im speaking it into existence, tho I dont feel it yet, I will speak it.  I have to fight, once again.

[clean_in_ks]

When we are broken and come to the end of ourselves is when real changes can occur.  I had to be broken before the words I so needed to hear would actually "go in there", ya know?  And before I would ASK FOR HELP.  I'll keep praying for you girl......

[wannabefreeagain]

thankyou clean  you are absolutely correct.  I am a believer, I am gonna stand on my faith in the lord.  I will survive this.  I will get the help that I need too. I have to make it to the other side. I have always wanted to get this out of my life... I have got to do this.  I have to pick myself up and not die, I have to fight.  

[clean_in_ks]

There have been times in my life where I have felt just as you describe.
What I was told (and did NOT want to hear) was to go do something for someone else; to get my mind OFF myself.
Are you willing to make an appointment with an addiction therapist?  To go get some one on one counseling?  How about just sitting in a meeting and listening?
Keeping your addiction a secret is keeping you feeling sick and crazy.
If you don't want to talk to your family, you can talk to someone who will relate to you.  I preferred all women's meetings just because the level of sharing is different, imo.  Have  you cut off your source for pills yet?
These are important questions to ask yourself......you said you were on day 3 or 4 and those are the VERY HARDEST days.  Please read all your previous posts and the suggestions you were given.  Being open minded about doing something different is the key that will unlock the chains that have you imprisoned.  You will feel SO much better if you would just talk (in person or on the phone) with another female recovering addict.  Most NA and AA hotlines have someone to talk to or can give you phone numbers you can call.
I'll be praying for you to become willing to try something new this go around....otherwise, the cycle will just repeat itself.
Sending you a big hug ((((Connie))))

[wannabefreeagain]

Bless you clean.  I so appreciate your response, and yes I have thought of the things you mentioned.  Its just right now, I can barely mustard up the energy, especially form a reasonable thought, or even courage to face anything.  I am a complete mess.  I will be scraping the pieces of myself together to try to function, and want to live again.  I am normally a pillar of inner strength,but this has broken me, Im so lost.  Its miserable.  My will is broken.  Yes, I understand I cant do this by just my will, but believe me, the will to do this plays a huge part as well, you need the will as well as the courage to even mentally do this process. Well one thing I do know is.  I am not well enough mentally to even think positive about this yet, I also know one thing that I can do....and that is pray.  Im already down on the floor, might as well pray.  Thankyou, and thankyou for your kind words and prayers.  I hope tomorrow brings a lil more will on my part to start to deal and fight for my life, because Im really broken right now.


'

[dominosarah]

You are on day 3 or 4 of no pills and it has been said each time it gets harder.  Holding on to your secret is eating you alive too.  I saw alot of good things in your post especially your grandchildren.  Think how nice it will be to spend real quality time with them once the wd's are over.  There is nothing better than this. They are a gift to us.  You will get thru this but you are going to have to change up your thinking.  Sitting there and always thinking of the negative brings us down.  You have much to be grateful for, look around and you will see all the beauty in front of you~

[wannabefreeagain]

Thankyou so much.  Im having another rough day.  Im just soooo tired of all this.  Your ****** if u use, and your ****** if you dont.  I do know Im sick of chasing them pills, and spending my money.  It is really sick.  The whole entire ride with this...I was always thinking how I wanted to quit....I cant keep enough for daily use anyhow.  Its really sick.  Oh how I hate it.  Im trying to pull thru this.  I dont have No energy to even do the things I need to do to help myself, but I am going to have to.  Im just so defeated. Im just gonna not talk right now, because everything I say is negative.  This is sooo incredibly horrific...im at a lost for words.

[Charlottev2012]

Omg I am so where you are. I'd end this all right now but that's not an option because of my children. No one at all knows about whats going on with me.....i feel so alone

[jifmoc]

I just logged on and saw your post. I recognize your name and know you've been struggling. I know this has been suggested over and over and I'll say it again: go to a meeting. You cannot do this alone. Maybe the fact that you're feeling completely insane will be the motivation for you to get help. I hope so. There is no free pass, we ALL have been there and have come out the other side. It won't get better if you don't get into aftercare. Sorry, it just won't.

[wannabefreeagain]

Thankyou for your response.