What is wrong with me?

[IfLooksCouldKill13]

I just recently posted a something similar, but I just can't manage to get out of my own head. I'm over this! I'm so over feeling absolutely awful all day and night. I can't even start falling asleep until 3-4 in the morning, and I sleep straight through my alarms. Due to my inability to wake up, I've missed so many classes that I'm going to fail this semester of college and this was my last chance to prove to my dad that I'm not totally worthless...he's never going to forgive me. I'm feeling like the biggest disappointing failure ever right now. I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like my lungs just aren't concerned with taking in air anymore. I'm sick of feeling like I'll never be good enough. I'm sick of feeling like the only way I'll ever be happy is if I get high and stay there. I just don't understand how to cope with everyday life. I don't understand what happiness is or how to be happy. I've forgotten what it's like to genuinely smile. I can't manage reality. I can't manage any stresses, I can't even manage to motivate myself enough to hang out with friends. I feel awkward and unwelcome in my own house, so I tend to just hide out in my room. Why can't I figure this life thing out? Why can't I stop thinking about destroying everything I've worked so hard to build? Maybe I should talk to my parents about going back to rehab? I'm not breaking my sobriety, but I'm definitely still showing addict behaviors. I still live, think, act, and speak like an addict. Does anyone agree with my idea? I think I should go back to rehab and this time, work on my mental self, rather than my physical addiction self. I can't see any anything in my life getting better where I am. I'm going to have to talk to my parents, because I'm really starting to lose this battle.

[BelleFemme]

Please do not give up...you will be happy again. I think it is a good idea to take some time  to focus on just your mental and emotional well being. You are not a disappointment, you are an accomplished, caring person. You conquered the beast, now you need time to heal the other parts of you....praying for you and sending love your way...

[IfLooksCouldKill13]

Maybe I should've explained, I'm actually 2 years and 7 months clean from opiates. I wouldn't be going back to rehab for the drugs, I just can't kick this manic depressive b.s., I can't stop losing confidence or self esteem. I feel like I'm a huge burden and a disappointment. I need some serious time away from everyone to be able to just work on me,myself, and I ya know?  I tried N.A. & A.A. and where I live, it's just terrible. I attended N.A. & A.A. for well over 6 months, but the people there are all the same. They're all over into the program and preach and preach, and get like 3-4 months clean, then they screw up and relapse and then come back all humbled. It's a cycle and that's what grossed me out about it. I can't find anything to grab onto to stop me from falling. And I haven't hit rock bottom again, yet. If  I had, this would be a very, very different post about a relapse rather than just venting my frustrations and fears. But I appreciate the help.

[Bubulous]

Well getting high is a false sense of happiness.  It doesn't make you happy it just numbs the pain so that you do not have to deal with it.
Don't beat yourself up.  Just because you cannot figure this life out doesn't make you a loser.  Even clean a lot of us cannot figure this life out.  The addiction causes it's own set of problems and recovery causes it's own set of problems.
When you are in the cycle of addiction you don't have to question anything you just stay high and the drug hides most of the values that you once had.  The depression that comes along with the addiction is also crippling.  The addiction is hard to fight because of the pain and because of the depression symptoms.  Depression symptoms are things like memory issues, mental activity-like concentration.  A lot of the process of being able to conquer the addiction is cognitive (coping skills, journaling, and having a support group)  Without the ability to concentrate ow in the wworld can you expect to be able to figure out what is going on?   That is why it usually takes a lot of relapses to get it right.  You learn a little everytime you have a little clean time but more often than not, you didn't learn enough and you fall back into the addiction.
Recovery has it's own set of problems.  When you start your recovery, make it through the w/ds, and the depression starts to go away you are overwelmed with all of this regret and shame and obsessive thoughts that start showing themselves and how do you decide where to begin?
I have made a few theories that I have wrote about figthing depression if you would like to look at them.  You will get other advice on here about dealing with the physical w/ds but I like to focus on the emotional ones....check out these if you want to read a lot:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/Fighting-depression/show/1883533
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-depression-part-2/show/1883537
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Depression-part-3/show/1884569
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Depression-part-4-simplicity/show/1887081
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Impatience--Stress--and-Fear/show/1885110

[Andie015]

There's only one person in this world who can make this all go away.....you. You sound to me like your at or very close to rock bottom....and you should be glad for that. I say this because my rock bottom was on my list of what I'm grateful for...it literally saved my life when I thought I had none left. Embrace what's happening as your motivation to turn it around...and it absolutely can be done. I am speaking from so much experience it's scary....I can tell you are considerably younger than I am...it took me 13 years to hit that point. The best thing for you to do is speak with your parents, lay it ALL down and start anew. Rehab was the best decision I have ever made...don't be afraid it it's there for just this reason..to get back on track. Please know life does not have to be and should not be as it is for you....make the decision to give yourself up to the process...no matter how tough it is and you won't be sorry....good luck.

[gnarly_1]

HI   you really need to give N/A a try and get a program of recovery going  it will help you with all of the above  its free readlly avalable google a meeting in your area get to it tonight addiction dont go away just because your not using it lays in waiting ready to bring you down again and again please use my life and 35yrs an an addict as living proff you can change  please message me if you just want to talk   I will help you all I can  you cant keep it unless you give it away.....Gnarly