I really need help please..

[NeedingHope4Me]

I am strugging soo bad right now and have nowhere to trun..I know its just an emotion thing but I have yet to want to use since I got clean nearly a month ago till now..I do NOT want to give up my sobriety I earned with so much hard work but I am feeling like ..ugg..

I just got into a HUGE fight with my bf and I know its cause of the holidays and he was drunk..ok I get it But It doesnt make me feel any less..idk..Just lost..I wont use..I threw out everything but I am sitting here and its like why do I try so hard yet end up back feeling like life *****..

Sorry I just need to talk..Please..I cant do this right now alone..I am sooo terrified I will go get some if I dont talk..

[NeedingHope4Me]

Very true..I am sorta in a weird way glad ..sounds odd but Idk ..I needed to see that it isnt something we can do..there are triggers we are learning about together and we avoid them like the plague..didnt know that a few beers was one but now..lol yeah ..This is such a crazy road ..darn drugs I wish I would have known how horrible it would be before I ever took the first meds..js  I hope that down the road I can help warn even one person so they never have to be where I was..and deal with the life of always watching every little thing you know??..

[NeedingHope4Me]

Thankies Teresa its soo true..I swear today feels like Im getting clean all over again..weird huh?? I had nothing last night but wow it was a struggle I am glad I got through..

God did I ever learn from his mistake LMAO..I want nothing to do with that stuff ..I can't even imagine it now blagh..

I love that btw that's crazy story..I can see that happening tbh..scary stuff ..

[Teresa1717]

Well the moral of the story is that you have BOTH learned a lesson from this! And as addicts, thats the most important thing I think we can do. Just learning as we go

[NeedingHope4Me]

I wanted to say that I get that being away from all mood altering substances is a must for ex addicts..He and I both got clean the hard way..CT ..no meetings or friends to help..we are learning as we go..he actually was my inspiration for wanting to be sober ..This was a huge lesson learned. I have heard of some that can drink without an issue..he obviously cant and now I am sure I don't want to ..I am not making excuses he is a grown man ..but truth is he and I both talked for two days ahead of time about this subject..He said he wouldn't if I was worried but his grandma wanted to with him..I was naive but well cant go back ..I just wanted to make sure you guys knew the whole story as Im sure its a bit patchy when reading ramblings as mine go..anyways I hope everyone had a great holiday!!

[Teresa1717]

Good! Im so glad your doing better today! Alot of times just waking up to a new day is all you need to have a different outlook! :)

Im also very happy that YOU learned from HIS mistake! Someone at AA who is 6 years clean, told me that her Heroin needle is in the bottom of a glass of wine! the last time she relapsed, it all started with 2 glasses of wine at dinner! 2 days later, she was shooting heroin again!

Keep doing what your doing! :)

[NeedingHope4Me]

Thank you all for the help and advice..I truly appreciate it all and it was very needed..I made it through clean :)

NoLife yes you recognized your words..that really has helped already more than you know..

I wanted to say that all of you were right alcohol is not something either of us can do and he learned the hard way last night..btw he is an ex heroin addict..we both agreed that just a few beers wasn't a big deal for Christmas eve ..well his tolerance was cr ap after so long away from anything like that..It was a mess and well as weird as it sounds I learned from him that I cant/don't want to even try a glass of wine now also lol

Today was awesome ..I woke to breakfast in bed and kids happy ..I wouldn't be clean and sober and happy if I had not been able to vent here..I am glad that you all were there ..

P.S. we now have a zero alcohol rule in the whole house !! LOL

[Teresa1717]

Hey hun, Just checking on you to see how your doing today! Its been a while since you posted this so I want to see if your feeling better!

NG and DS are so right in that #1 you cant control how your BF treats you and you cant let him have that power of you. and #2 he is really not clean and sober if he is getting drunk! Even if this is his first time in a long time. I know some people disagree that having a glass of wine here and there is any threat to someones sobriety, and maybe in that capacity its not, but getting drunk is certainly a red flag! He needs to look inside himself and figure out how he wants his sobriety to be!

Anyways, Im thinking about you and hope your doing better! Please let us know how your doing when you can!

[dominosarah]

Dont give him the power to hurt you and dont make excuses for him being drunk.  That was his choice to do.  You said he cleaned up before you but it sure does sound like he has way more issues.  Getting clean usually requires staying away from all mood altering drugs.  I learned a long time ago not to participate in conversation with a drunk.  It's pointless and gets you nowhere.  This is about you now.  You have worked hard so dont let HIS ISSUES bring you down.  You are better than that.

[nursegirl6572]

No offense, hon, but he doesn't sound as though he's really "clean" if he's getting drunk.  That's definitely not a healthy environment for your sobriety.

Best to you, Merry Christmas!

[YesLife4Me]

Im so glad my advice helps you sweetie!   I am struggling too...things didn't go yesterday as planned and I was pretty hurt.  Was having the same thoughts as you about why did I go through all this...but it isn't just about today...its about everyday!  And merry christmas!

[NeedingHope4Me]

Thank you Sunnyside..Your right this is a test..I have been thinking how would I get through when/if me and him fought and well....lol here it is..!! I know that I will be able to get though rough patches better after I learn how to do this tonight.. Merry Christmas to you too btw :)

Ballgame I am trying hard..I appreciate the help to just talk though this..My head is trying to make me think stupid stuff..so yeah posting helps to at least distract me ..so thank you!!

[Ballgame]

Hey stay strong. We all know how you feel. You are not alone. Keep posting

[SunnysideUP27]

Hang in there.  Whatever you do do not use.  It will set u back to square one.  This is a test.  Pass it and you have a great learning lesson. It is hard but u can do it.  Merry Christmas ! sunny

[SunnysideUP27]

Hang in there.  Whatever you do do not use.  It will set u back to square one.  This is a test.  Pass it and you have a great learning lesson. It is hard but u can do it.  Merry Christmas ! sunny

[NeedingHope4Me]

LOL yes they are drunk words..I need to keep that in mind thanks Pat!!

I did work sooo hard to be sober for my kids..I just feel like whyyyy..I mean ugg..but yeah I know its not worth it..I have been feeling so much better and I keep thinking in my head what I heard from another on here she said "play the whole tape out to the end"..The end of the tape *****..shame I used and no more meds to make me "feel good" waiting for my own body to feel good on its own and probably feeling like crap even with the drugs..Im sure I would barf after this long off..lol that's a great deterrent..i hate hate getting sick more than anything!!

thanks for talking to me while i get through this..

[Pat1956100]

His words are drunk words.  Don't even allow them into your mind.  Your kids deserve a sober parent tomorrow and it's going to be you.  How badly did we want to be clean for Christmas? Well we are there.  We did it.
You will feel great tomorrow and your kids will too.  

[NeedingHope4Me]

Oh..May I ask how in gods name do you "get through it" when his words are cutting like a knife cause that's what's going on now and I have NO coping skills yet :(

[NeedingHope4Me]

Thank you sikntire..I know logically that its not worth is as Im sure when he sobers up he will feel bad and make it up but right now..Idk Im shaking and threw up..I feel miserable and its freekin christmas eve..

Thank you maria..I apprecitate it..I am not used to this sober stuff but I forget he is too..Hes an ex addict too and he got clean way before me and I am trying soo hard to make sure to not rock the boat and take it all on me so he stays off the stuff..I know drunk yes he is but its the first drink at all in a long time and it was with family for christmas eve..but geeez..I cant deal right now..its not him and I feel like ..ugg LOL I am all mixed up in the head idk what I feel tbh..heartbroken,frustrated,..I wanna sceam and cry but I have kids to tend to and have to be mom..

[maria920]

Hey... I totally understand what ur going thru! Whenever I get into a fight with my husband I feel the exact same way. I try and tell myself this feeling will pass and I've worked way too hard to mess up now! My husband doesn't kno exactly what I'm going thru do its hard for him so I try and cut him some slack but sometimes his words cut like a knife!! Try and hang in there bc u are worth it and u have put sooo much time and effort into ur sobriety to mess it up. :) the holidays are hard to deal with but just like everything else u will get thru it and come out on top!!

[sikntire]

I have been struggling too but you can do it even if it is one hour at a time or one minute at a time. think about the road to hell you have been on. don't do it no one is worth even one second of your sobriety or clean time