A rhetorical question and hope.

[Decisions]

I posted this in a previous member's post.  But I thought I could help others to consider the time and effort that goes into a fight to stay clean, and the rewards that come from that fight...

My story is not completely written, but, this is my 3rd time trying to  quit.  First time in 2005, I made it to around day 40, and then took 2 lorcet whilst embarking on a vacation.  ONLY took  the 2, and went several days before, taking another 2.  Then a day or two later, another 2.   FIRST  RULE,  when you have them,  YOU WILL TAKE THEM... eventually.  ( I beleive this to be true for most of us)

Second time I quit in early 2006, I went 2 months.  Again the withdrawals were not bad as I tapered long and slow.
I personally believe a person should try to taper for a month  if they have the supply and strength to stick with it.
In this taper I went from 9-10 Lorcet 10-650 a day, to 7 a day for 5 days, and then 5 a day for another 5, and then 3 a day for another 5, and then 2 a day for another 5, and then 1 a day (broke in thirds) for the duration.  This taper did let me down with minimal 'pain'.  But I am sure everyone is different.  This worked for me.
Unfortunately, I started again under similar circumstances as before.  Again, they were there and available.

REMEMBER before anyone started this, and BEFORE they even had them laying around?  Did you think back then, "I need to have these in the medicine cabinet (just in  case?)  NO.. I didn't.  I had no idea what Lorcet, Vicodin, Norco, and the like even were before 2003, at 43 years old.  Truly, I hadn't heard of these drugs.  Up until then the only other drug I ever took was tylenol 3, after a knee surgery.  I hated taking them and stopped after 2 days.  

POINT.  For most people  we have a very strong ability to endure pain.  Our bodies provide certain chemcals to mitigate pain.  NOW, I know that is not true for chronic pain syndromes, and certain truly painful conditions.   But I have found that  most folks with that kind of pain are "pain managed" AND seem NOT to get addicted, because the body reacts differently when taking medicine for REAL pain.  It's when we get "high" from the meds that we become weak.

Now, here it is, Day 5, on my thrid round...  Pray for me.

This last round has been the hardest, with me losing time with my family and work, but a week or so of tough w/d's is the price I have to pay.  
My family doesn't know what is going on.  I tell them I am sorry I have such a bad "FLU".  My GF, is looking at me, and telling me I am just depressed... No Sex?  What happened, to our sex1,2,3 times a day?,  Ya, I'm a "stud".. Horny but hardly a stud!!!  LOL  I managed to make love to her and my typical 15-30 minutes, went down to UH, never mind, I don't think they count seconds...
     Little does she know.  It is hard when you have to fight this alone.  Only one other person knows about my problem, and she is a long-time friend who does not judge me.  She supports me, and I love and thank her for that.  
The first time I came down, I lasted a month.  W/D's were not bad, because I tapered, and my life was not demanding.  Went back to them just because I liked the feeling.  ALSO, I have to point out, to some folks' dismay, or agreement that I functioned completely normally in life on the medicine, ( NORCO 10/325 , 12-15 a day) for quite a while.  As a matter of fact they gave me "clarity" I didn't always have sometimes.  BUT, I say this not to  promote useage, but that at some point when  the drug "makes" you "normal", there is REALLY  NO  POINT  IN   CONTINUING  TAKING.  Why?, when the original intent is to get high?  For the longest time, I wasn't getting that "ahhhh" feeling from taking. ...  even at the levels I did.  THIS is....  what made me try again to be done with this stuff.  I am taking things a day at a time and certainly it is early for me, at day 5.  But, the reality is I can feel "normal" without  searching...  paying....  wasting time...  looking....  and allowing a drug that essentially is doing NOTHING for me...  take up so much of my life's time.  I feel bad right now.  I am trembling, mis-typing ( I type 60 WPM, (lots of mistakes), but I do it!  ALONG with all the other withdrawal problems of nervousness, anxiety, pain, and the rest...  AND worse  , my family asking me every day,  dad?  Honey?  Is there something really wrong with you?  I mean afterall you "STILL" have the "flu"??????  

Yes family... I am 48 after all, and not SuperMan anymore.  Even my 18-year old knows my "energy" level, and how I usually run circles around him and friends even at 48.  They, still trying to prove "manhood" and taking me down in Arm-Wrestling.  I tell them "it won't be long now, but for now I can still whip you".!!!  

SO, I am forced to tell the family, remember, we do get older, and it takes longer to get over illnesses.   IF   THEY   ONLY  KNEW.  Whilst on  the drugs, they remember me,  SuperMan,  working and coming home and again handling the household stuff, cooking, fixing, beind a dad, lover, and EVERYTHING, usually until 11-12 at night.  Now, I look for bed at 7pm, and they are saying dad, honey, are you ever gonna get better?

.....   I  smile and look them in the eyes,  and say YES, I am and when I do, watch out!!!!

[Decisions]

Guy

I believe I completely understand what you've written.

Enemy,

My problem is as the "guy", I have to still "perform", if you get my meaning LOL.  That has been "interesting", as I am getting my feelings, nerves etc.. back in order.  She is wondering what happened to me.

Korley,

It seems we all kinda remember what life was like before.  It still amazes me that I, just completing day5, that the thought of taking is still there even in the wake  of this misery.  I am not feeling as well as I had hoped today.  Yesterday, was "hump" day both for me and the week.  Yet I am still light headed, sore, weak, and absolutely unmotivated.  My GF is getting impatient, and really starting to think something else is wrong, like I am losing interest.  And she would be right,  I am NOT that "interested" right now.  I am fighting for my life but she doesn't know.

Cathy and Sarah...

Thanks for the support as always!!!  Everyone.

[Florida_Guy737]

Loved your post...I'm 46 and I quit twice before reaching this far...5 months.   I see many similarities in your experiences and my own.  I tell my wife she should be thankful I went through that 'honey do' list while I was on meds because no 40 something would ever get through that list in the time I completed it ... LOL.

Take Care & Good Luck,

Guy

[enemy48]

Wow Man.  I did it alone too!  No one knew & lived w/my boyfriend and he was and is clueless about my 6 year habit.  I think it made me stronger to carry on without having someone to feel sorry for me.

[Decisions]

RIght on..  Korley!  Glad to hear you are doing so well.  Keep it up.
I am still very much in the stuggling mode, even though I do feel better.
I wish I could get back to my normal routine.  I am still jittery and tired, sore, etc..
Time will take care of that I hope.

NOT at all interested in PAWS, I  hope it does not plague me.

Personally I think it sould be Acute Post Withdrawal Syndrome.  MY understanding is that w/d's come back sometime down the road, unexpected?  Thus it would be Acute, and then Post Withdrawal!  But then I am a tweaker and somwhat of a nerdy pain.

[Korley]

Also I remember before I started taking the pills, I was at such a good place in my life. I was really happy. I am a recovering alcoholic and I was doing so good in my recovery. I had some neck pain, and I honestly thought that I could handle the pills. I loved the way that they made me feel and I thought I could quit when I wanted. Little did I know how hard it would be. I really don't want to ever feel like this again, nothing is worth this pain and depression! Life is wonderful, and it is what you make it. I would give anything to go back to where I was before the pills. But I also realize that at some point I would have to go through this. It takes me a while to learn and for some reason when something is bad for me, it takes even longer. I am just happy that I realize this today and am on the road to a life w/ complete sobriety and joy!!!

Korley

[dominosarah]

Sounds like you have the determination to keep going forward.  I wish you all the best.  Stay in touch.              sara

[cathy5841]

great post and so true for all of us.  hang in there your day is coming!!!!  good luck